i recently found myself at the bottom of a swimming pool. it was late, after midnight, in a pool at a hotel next door. i didn't know how i got there. i don't know what i was trying to do, but it really scared me. i think i was walking home from the bar. i really don't want to hurt myself, but when i get dissociated, what am i supposed to do ?
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#2
Physical Abuse / is it wrong?
December 20, 2021, 04:57:47 AM
is it wrong to want to hunt down my abusive f, and return the abuse? i can't stop thinking about what i want to do. i have tries to find him, he might have died, how do i get closure ? i want to confront him, i want to let him know how much of my youth he took from me, how many things i didn't get to experience. how much * he put me through, i am in so much pain everyday. i want to make him feel that pain, i am not a bad person, i try to help everyone and make everyone's day a little brighter, but that guy. i am so angry, scared and confused. i don't want christmas to ever happen again
#3
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / calling a hotline
December 05, 2021, 03:13:39 AM
i am so scared, calling a hotline, but they never answer, * ? i don't know what to do
#4
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / scared
October 21, 2021, 01:55:26 AM
I am really pissed off, drinking heavy, so scared i might hurt myself tonight. i have lost hope, i don't want to let everyone down. i have found a lot of support here. i don't think i am suicidal, just feel the need to do harm. i don't know why, i know it won't help. i don't know what else to do
#5
Recovery Journals / Learning to heal, Larry's journey
October 20, 2021, 06:48:12 PM
I had no idea how messed up i am. i thought it was normal. i thought everyone had anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, trust issues, emotional flashbacks, dissociation, addiction. It helps knowing i am not alone, but also knowing this is not normal. things should not be this way. i am just now learning about recovery. first therapy session is this friday. it is what i am hoping to be the first step in recovery.
#6
Depression / mood swings
October 12, 2021, 12:34:42 AM
i have been having mood swings, going from depressed, to hapy, to not wanting to go on. it changes so fast, with no reason, i don't know why i can't just be happy, i live on an island, work on the water, people vacation here and say i am living the life. they have no idea what kind of pain i am in most of the time. i feel guilty when they say that. i want to be happy. i have been happy before and it was nice. i need to try to level things out i just don't know how
#7
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / why do the bad days out wieght the good days.
September 25, 2021, 02:52:53 AM
i really need to get some theraoy or something. i have some good days, but the bad days are getting worse. i do not want to live in pain all the time. i feel like maybe help is out there. but it seems so far away. i drink to cope, but i don't think i can cope anymore. i really want to hurt my abuser, but he might already be dead. now what? how do i get closure. i really hope he is dead, but i really wanted to confront him.
#8
Physical Abuse / really struggling to understand why
September 23, 2021, 06:07:52 AM
why did my dad abuse me, why did he abandon me. he remarried, had 2 more kids, i haven't seen him since i was 7. why did he forget about me? i am sure he was a good dad to his new kids, why not me? what did i do? how do i get beyond this? i really wanted to talk to him recently, i found out he night have died, how do i get closure? i don't want an appology. just want to know why ? why did he not love me? what did i do wrong ?
#9
Physical Abuse / how do i become normal?
September 16, 2021, 02:21:49 AM
I have been struggling since age 6, things were bad until 18, i really thought i would grow out of this, my fatether, : abuser" might be dead. i really wanted to confront him, but have not seen him since i was 7. i really wanted to get some closure, maybe talk to him, let him know how bad things have been. he remarried and had 2 more kids, I have never net the kids or new wife, now i hear he might have died, how do i get closure ? how do i deal with this? he abandoned me and had a new fanily. deprived me of so many things. i do not think i will ever heal
#10
Sleep Issues / struggling to sleep
September 13, 2021, 03:41:21 PM
I have always had a hard time sleeping. It takes so long to fall asleep, then i wake up between 2 and 3 am every night. I usually fall asleep again around 6 am. then the alarm goes off at 7. I like to sleep with 2 heavy blankets, gets hot but i can not sleep with anything less. I sometimes moan very loud and kick my legs violently when sleeping. If i drink alot, i go to sleep faster, but still wake up in the middle of the night, and the moaning and leg kicking is worse. I really do not want to take meds, but i might have to try something.
#11
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / I really need someone to talk to
August 22, 2021, 06:06:48 AM
My wife doesnt get it. She knows I was abused and abandoned. I do not want to constantly remind her. I can not keep doing this , it is just too painful. I am lost and don't know if I can go on. She gets pissed if i can not be functional , maybe it is time
#12
Addiction/Self-Medicating / trying not to use alcohol or drugs
August 20, 2021, 02:56:04 AM
I don't consider myself an alcoholic, but most would disagree. I feel like I am not addicted, but someitmes I need it to make it through the day. I stopped doing drugs 3 years ago, trying not to go back to that. When I did drugs , I drank less. not really sure which is better. I really do not want to go on prescription meds, but I don't think i can do this sober. I am not in therapy, although I would like to be. Really not much available where I live. I don't want to be high or drunk all the time, but it does seem to help me escape. I really feel lost and hopeless. Not sure where to go from here.
#13
Please Introduce Yourself Here / New Member
August 11, 2021, 11:02:14 PM
I am really thankful I found OOTS. I am in the keys and looking for a support group. Not having much luck being in a small island community.
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