Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Topics - Larry

#1
i recently found myself at the bottom of a swimming pool.  it was late,  after midnight,  in a pool at a hotel next door.  i didn't know how i got there.   i don't know what i was trying to do,  but it really scared me.  i think i was walking home from the bar.   i really don't want to hurt myself,  but when i get dissociated,  what am i supposed to do ? 
#2
Physical Abuse / is it wrong?
December 20, 2021, 04:57:47 AM
is it wrong to want to hunt down my abusive f,  and return the abuse?  i can't stop thinking about what i want to do.  i have tries to find him,  he might have died,  how do i get closure ?  i want to confront him,  i want to let him know how much of my youth he took from me,  how many things i didn't get to experience.    how much * he put me through,   i am in so much pain everyday.     i want to make him feel that pain,  i am not a bad person,   i try to help everyone and make everyone's day a little brighter,  but that guy.    i am so angry, scared and confused.   i don't want christmas to ever happen again
#3
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / calling a hotline
December 05, 2021, 03:13:39 AM
i am so scared,  calling a hotline,  but they never answer,  * ?  i don't know what to do
#4
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / scared
October 21, 2021, 01:55:26 AM
I am really pissed off,  drinking heavy,   so scared i might hurt myself tonight.  i have lost hope,  i don't want to let everyone down.  i have found a lot of support here.  i don't think i am suicidal,  just feel the need to do harm.  i don't know why,  i know it won't help.  i don't know what else to do
#5
Recovery Journals / Learning to heal, Larry's journey
October 20, 2021, 06:48:12 PM
I had no idea how messed up i am.  i thought it was normal.  i thought everyone had anxiety, depression, hypervigilance,  trust issues,  emotional flashbacks, dissociation, addiction.   It helps knowing i am not alone,  but also knowing this is not normal.  things should not be this way.  i am just now learning about recovery.  first therapy session is this friday.   it is what i am hoping to be the first step in recovery. 
#6
Depression / mood swings
October 12, 2021, 12:34:42 AM
i have been having mood swings,  going from depressed,  to hapy,  to not wanting to go on.  it changes so fast,  with no reason,  i don't know why i can't just be happy,  i live on an island,  work on the water,  people vacation here and say i am living the life.  they have no idea what kind of pain i am in most of the time.  i feel guilty when they say that.  i want to be happy.  i have been happy before and it was nice.  i need to try to level things out  i just don't know how
#7
i really need to get some theraoy or something.  i have some good days,   but the bad days are getting worse.  i do not want to live in pain all the time.  i feel like maybe  help is out there.  but it seems so far away.  i drink to cope,  but i don't think i can cope anymore.  i really want to hurt my abuser,  but he might already be dead.  now what?  how do i get closure.  i really hope he is dead,  but i really wanted to confront him. 
#8
Physical Abuse / really struggling to understand why
September 23, 2021, 06:07:52 AM
why did my dad abuse me,  why did he abandon me.  he remarried,  had 2 more kids,  i haven't seen him since i was 7.  why did he forget about me?  i am sure he was a good dad to his new kids,  why not me?  what did i do?  how do i get beyond this?  i really wanted to talk to him recently,  i found out he night have died,  how do i get closure?  i don't want an appology.  just want to know why ?   why did he not love me?  what did i do wrong ?
#9
Physical Abuse / how do i become normal?
September 16, 2021, 02:21:49 AM
I have been struggling since age 6,  things were bad until 18,  i really thought i would grow out of this,  my fatether,  : abuser" might be dead.  i really wanted to confront him,  but have not seen him since i was 7.  i really wanted to get some closure, maybe talk to him,  let him know how bad things have been.  he remarried and had 2 more kids,  I have never net the kids or new wife,   now i hear he might have died,  how do i get closure ?  how do i deal with this?  he abandoned me and had a new fanily.  deprived me of so many things.  i do not think i will ever heal
#10
Sleep Issues / struggling to sleep
September 13, 2021, 03:41:21 PM
I have always had a hard time sleeping.  It takes so long to fall asleep,  then i wake up between 2 and 3 am every night.  I usually fall asleep again around  6 am.  then the alarm goes off at 7.  I like to sleep with 2 heavy blankets,  gets hot but i can not sleep with anything less.  I sometimes moan very loud and kick my legs violently when sleeping.  If i drink alot,  i go to sleep faster,  but still wake up in the middle of the night,  and the moaning and leg kicking is worse.  I really do not want to take meds,  but i might have to try something. 
#11
My wife doesnt get it.  She knows I was abused and abandoned.  I do not want to constantly remind her.  I can not keep doing this ,  it is just too painful.  I am lost and don't know if I can go on.  She gets pissed if i can not be functional ,  maybe it is time
#12
I don't consider myself an alcoholic,  but most would disagree.  I feel like I am not addicted,  but someitmes I need it to make it through the day.  I stopped doing drugs 3 years ago,  trying not to go back to that.   When I did drugs ,  I drank less.  not really sure which is better.  I really do not want to go on prescription meds,  but I don't think i can do this sober.  I am not in therapy,  although I would like to be.  Really not much available where I live.  I don't want to be high or drunk all the time,  but it does seem to help me escape.  I really feel lost and hopeless.  Not sure where to go from here. 
#13
Please Introduce Yourself Here / New Member
August 11, 2021, 11:02:14 PM
I am really thankful I found OOTS.  I am in the keys and looking for a support group.  Not having much luck being in a small island community.