Hi everyone,
I thank everyone who sent support and guidance to my post in the intros. I took your advice and have been reading a whole lot, including information from OOTF. I just feel more comfortable posting here, so I hope it's ok.
I was blaming substance abuse for my H's behaviour. I thought that the "better times" were due to his decreasing his use for short periods. He has everyone else convinced that he is the long suffering, superhero husband and dad, and that the problem is me and the kids, that we are a disappointment and don't meet the standards of his siblings' families.
There is something wrong with me and the kids, but now I suspect that he caused a lot of the damage.
Since I started reading and posting here, he knows something is different, and has toned down his behaviour again. Normally, it would make me happier and I would try harder to please him. Now, it just makes me sad because I recognize that he is continuing the coersion and gaslighting, but he is just being a lot more subtle.
The guilt of not protecting my children is awful. I feel physically ill when I think of how long this has gone on. The self doubt is ever present, though, and it keeps me here, afraid to take any concrete steps. Part of me actually wishes I never looked into this. I wish I was a stronger person.
I thank everyone who sent support and guidance to my post in the intros. I took your advice and have been reading a whole lot, including information from OOTF. I just feel more comfortable posting here, so I hope it's ok.
I was blaming substance abuse for my H's behaviour. I thought that the "better times" were due to his decreasing his use for short periods. He has everyone else convinced that he is the long suffering, superhero husband and dad, and that the problem is me and the kids, that we are a disappointment and don't meet the standards of his siblings' families.
There is something wrong with me and the kids, but now I suspect that he caused a lot of the damage.
Since I started reading and posting here, he knows something is different, and has toned down his behaviour again. Normally, it would make me happier and I would try harder to please him. Now, it just makes me sad because I recognize that he is continuing the coersion and gaslighting, but he is just being a lot more subtle.
The guilt of not protecting my children is awful. I feel physically ill when I think of how long this has gone on. The self doubt is ever present, though, and it keeps me here, afraid to take any concrete steps. Part of me actually wishes I never looked into this. I wish I was a stronger person.