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I took care of my terminal mother earlier this year until she passed away a couple of months ago, it has been a major loss in my life. I am also bipolar with autoimmune disease so all of this has taken a lot out of me. Her illness and passing created an opportunity for my mother and me to see my older brother again after many years of not seeing him in part due to his terrible actions surrounding my outing my father as my abuser. My mother was the only one in my family who stood by me.

So I'm in the throes of grief, flashbacks, depression and severe anxiety. Each day I try to restart only to feel myself fall back into that hole again. It's too physically painful to do my walks, I'm exhausted so my art is out, reading is limited, I'm attempting to reboot my meditations but I keep finding myself sobbing and wanting to escape. My phone therapy sessions are adding up so I really need to find additional means of support, so I am here, one of a few stops to address this stuff that is eating me up.

For the last 9 years, my next door neighbor (male, large, about my age, semi-retired) has been bullying me. I am not a cowering flower but this guy strikes a cord in me that sets off flashbacks for me. The first time he ran up on me yelling and getting in my space I was triggered. I have since adjusted my actions and life around trying to avoid him, not always successfully. I have gone to therapy, set up security cameras, put up a fence, called police, filed for a protection order (denied, no threats of violence)), seen an attorney (no help despite having video of harassment - "he's a neighbor, not a stranger") did manage a court mediation which states he cannot speak to me but he keeps breaking it and nobody will enforce it!.

The other day this guy was on a ladder out front trimming a tree when I saw him fall. I ran out to see if he was okay. It was scary because I knew he had been using a chainsaw and there was nobody else out there with him. After he was able to get back up, he told me he was okay and thanked me for checking on him. Then in a very quiet voice offered a meek apology. I immediately turned around and went back inside. I was furious! I am angry now..1. because he knows I have cameras with sound and he knew he could not be heard apologizing to me 2. nobody else could hear him apologize and 3. because he chose a cheap easy way to spit out an apology to me simply because he was shamed into it!   

Does anyone else understand my reaction??

I'm new here and I have been looking for a support group that finally addresses this area. Actually, I have waited YEARS! I've been in and out of therapy since I was 9 yrs old dealing with various aspects of my abuses and the symptoms they have caused. Only in recent years have the medical and psyche fields finally gotten it together enough to pool resources and begin to really help me the way I have needed help for a very long time.

Admittedly, I have lost faith and respect for both but never my hope, which has finally begun to pay off. I also live with some other mental and physical health issues which are complicated by my symptoms.  I am grateful to have found this site.

I have been very vigilant about taking care of myself and did so all during her care while in my home but it has caught up with me this past week or more. I have turned into an emotionally unpredictable anxious and depressed nightmare. I cannot seem to get a sufficient grip on myself and my poor partner is getting the full frontal attack.

I had a grief counselor but before I could see her she informed me that her friend had just passed away...I could not see her without catering to her needs ahead of mine so I have since relied on my trauma therapist and an online group for people whose parents have passed away.  All helpful and yet I am still falling apart. Here's where I note that I am also bipolar 1 and currently unable to take psyche meds due to other health meds and my mother is part of my CPTSD story, not mention at my mother's service my 2 brothers were there and it was the first time all 3 of us were together in almost 40 years.

It's a lot to deal with, especially since my brothers both turned their backs on me and my mother all those years ago when we confronted my father and exposed him to the rest of our family for the pedophile he was. But my brothers chose the money and fantasy as opposed to the cold hard facts. Despite all of that, I have forgiven them, as my mother had, and everything has smoother than we had a right to expect. Still, I am experiencing the severe loss, she was my Alpha, my tether and now I feel so lost. Sure we fought a lot, I had residual anger at her having stayed with my father after all he had done while we grew up but the truth is that when I spoke up she didn't hesitate to believe me or stand by myself. She was fearless, my Mom.

I've got to find a way to live with this without feeling so raw. 

Rudi

Actually, I have a couple of autoimmune disorders but moving on; some of the symptoms such as insomnia, mood swings, irritability, pain, etc. can come into play which leaves me vulnerable in my relationship when it comes to trust. My body is attacking itself and I HAVE to rely on someone other than myself   

I have been lashing out during this last flare brought on by a brush with my traumatic past. I wish I was handling this better.