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I wasn't quite sure where to put this, but I thought it would be helpful to have a resource of validating/compassionate/empathetic statements for times when you want support but don't feel like you can reach out. What have you heard, said (to yourself or others), or wanted someone to say to you when you were having a difficult time?

I've added some to start. Most of them are excerpts from journal entries, so they might be context-specific in a way I might not recognize. If something does not apply to you or feel right then please disregard. I also want to give credit to the parts of me that helped facilitate these conversations.


General:

"What can I do to help you in this moment?"

"That must be so hard to carry all of that all by yourself."

"I don't know what I could say that would capture what you must be feeling right now."

"It must be so hard to try to make sense of the pain."


For guilt/shame:

"Something deep inside you is hurting. You can't always do the things you want when you're hurting."

"Feeling like something is wrong with you is how your brain makes sense of the pain you are in and the things that you've been through. It's no more complicated than that. It is an injured conclusion born of an injuring situation."


For self-doubt:

"Please let yourself accept help from your own mind. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to be 'right'."

"Trying to tell yourself that you do not feel what you feel, think what you think, hear what you hear, and see what you see is making your spirit sick. You can know that you feel it because you keep trying to tell yourself you don't. People rarely have to tell themselves not to feel things that they're already not feeling."

"No-one else was in that body, at that time, at that place, feeling what I was feeling. No-one else will ever know, so I can't pretend that they do. I just have to trust myself."


I invite people to add their own helpful phrases.

So I have been processing this for a while but I am wondering what thoughts the community has.

You may be familiar with Internal Family Systems, which stipulates that everyone has parts (https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-ifs-therapy-internal-family-systems-therapy-5195336). There is also the structural theory of dissociation, which proposes that there are different degrees of dissociation among parts of the personality depending on the timing, nature, and number of traumas and maps different diagnoses onto these levels (https://did-research.org/origin/structural_dissociation/). For example, PTSD is a form of primary structural dissociation (i.e. one apparently normal part and one emotional part), C-PTSD, BPD, and OSDD are forms of secondary structural dissociation (i.e. one apparently normal part and several emotional parts), and DID is tertiary structural dissociation (i.e. multiple apparently normal parts and emotional parts).

Okay, great. Being a multi-faceted human being is normal. If you have trauma, you might have some dissociative barriers between you and your parts. And, at least looking from the outside, the criteria for DID seem rather unambiguous -- you have multiple parts and they front and you have amnesia about it (https://icd.who.int/browse/2024-01/mms/en#1829103493). (I also validate that realizing it from the inside is extremely complicated -- but since I don't have it I can easily see I don't have it). But how do you know if your "parts" are C-PTSD related or if you have OSDD/PDID as well?

The ICD-11 tries to clear this up, and I'm wondering if this resonates with those who have C-PTSD with or without OSDD/PDID. This is from the section on Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder (which is comparable to OSDD in the DSM-V):

"Boundary with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder involves pervasive alterations in identity and sense of agency. In Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, such alterations can occur but are limited to episodes of re-experiencing traumatic events (e.g., during flashbacks). If symptoms consistent with dissociative intrusions occur exclusively during such episodes in the context of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, an additional diagnosis of Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder is not warranted." (https://icd.who.int/browse/2024-01/mms/en#988400777)

So I have "intrusions" but I hear/see/feel them on a daily basis, not just during flashbacks. They have their own thoughts and feelings and ways of seeing the world and themselves. They have begun asking me to "treat us like real people". It's getting very difficult to deny because now when I try they are very quick to remind me that "we're here and we're real". Of course sometimes I still deny it. At first I didn't think there was switching but now I'm becoming aware of subtle shifts in how I speak and hold my body and sometimes when I see a trigger coming it's like "the space inside my head changes" and then I have a completely different attitude about it.

I have a friend with DID who has given me information and support as I explore this part of my experience. It's been extremely helpful, but I still have trouble rationalizing that I could have gone through something significant enough to warrant the C-PTSD/OSDD symptoms I seem to be experiencing. Even now, whichever version of me I am is more connected to the feelings and thus, believes that the feelings are real and is willing to speculate that something might have happened that I/we don't remember. But then, later, I will be very not connected to the feelings and then it's all, well, I have no good reasons to feel this way and if I just tried harder I would be okay...

I've been exploring this for over a year and so at this point I can more readily say this is an enduring phenomenon and not just "mood swings".

I'm wondering if this resonates with anyone else's experience, and, if so, where you fall in this continuum of dissociation. What do "parts" look like for you? Are they self-aware? Do they want to be seen? Can you converse with them? What do they do? Do they feel like "real people"?

I haven't seen a thread about this anywhere else so I thought I would start one -- but if it already exists please refer me 


Abbreviation key:
BPD = Borderline personality disorder
DID = Dissociative identity disorder
DSM-V = Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th revision
ICD-11 = International classification of diseases 11th revision
OSDD = Other specified dissociative disorder
PDID = Partial dissociative identity disorder

Hi.

I don't have plans or anything, they're just thoughts. And at this point I can kind of tell the difference between, Oh, that was just a random intrusive thought, shoo fly, no biggie, versus, Oh, hang on, I think I'm starting to perseverate on this. Oh hang on, I think I'm starting to seek relief by thinking about these things. That's not good, is it.

Anyway, I was looking at what kinds of thoughts made those feelings worse, and I came across a couple of themes. One was when I invalidate myself, (saying I'm not feeling what I think I'm feeling, or it's not as bad as I think, or other people go through worse, or it has to get worse before other people would care), and another was when I start forecasting an imaginary future in which I just continue on as I am, not talking about these things, not getting close to people because it's "safer". My brain just sort of goes, "How much longer do you think you can go on like this?" And I'm just like, "I don't know."

I know I need to stay alive for my cat and my sister, and I also know that the problems I want to escape wouldn't be "solved" by my leaving, I would just be relieving myself of having to deal with them. As much as I feel ineffectual about my circumstances, I know staying is the best outcome for everybody. It at least presents the possibility that I will figure out what I am trying to figure out and become who I am trying to be. I wonder if maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. But then, I am in this place now where I understand that certain things about my upbringing have caused problems for me, but I don't understand it well enough to be able to explain it properly. So it's hard to articulate why I'm concerned about how my family is raising my little sister when everything I'm seeing would be considered by others as normal and unproblematic. I'm torn between feeling responsible for her and fighting with myself about my perceptions. The longer this goes on, the more I worry about the time I'm losing and whether I'll ever be strong enough to speak up.

So I guess I'm writing this to prove to myself that I can take steps, and it won't always be the same. I know these feelings are temporary, but I get a little existential about how they recurr, and what is the truth then? Am I just perpetually distracting myself from the abyss?

I suppose I am looking for a little bit of compassion as well because I want to give it to myself but I am worried about the emotions that would unlock and so I am sort of stuck and continuing to use denial as a form of emotional regulation, to some extent. But no need to feel obliged. Only if you find it helpful to respond or are in an okay place mentally for doing so.

I've read over this a few times and I think I have explained things accurately. I hope so. I hope I don't regret sharing all this either, lol. It's been in my head for a while.

Okay seriously I'm done now, thank you for listening 

Hi.

There were some great conversations in this thread and I'm really sorry for deleting it.

I've come to feel that some of the details that I wrote about my situation were potentially identifiable/specific to me. Theoretically nothing bad would happen if people in my life were to figure out that this account belonged to me and read some of my posts, but I'd much rather be in control of when and how such conversations are approached.

For a while I didn't want to edit any of my posts because I felt like I'd be gaslighting people (the words were there, now they're not, were they ever to begin with?). But leaving my posts as they were seemed to be hindering my ability to share on the forum (i.e. I had shared too much already, how could I dig deeper into my feelings when someone might find them?). I contemplated just deleting my own posts, but the information I was looking to remove was also threaded through others' responses. I also considered putting up a transcript of just the parts I was comfortable leaving, so people could still access what they had written, but then I would be taking away peoples' ability to modify their own content.

So instead, I have saved a copy of the transcript for myself to remember your lovely supportive words (please let me know if this is not allowed – I checked the member guidelines). If there is something you wrote that you want access to, please message me and I can pass it along.

I can see that this thread had a lot of views and I hope to start something equally useful in the future.

All the best,
OwnSide

Hi.

It's been about a year since I last engaged with the forum, for a variety of reasons. Objective data would suggest that my mental health has gotten worse since then. I started reading some of my old posts, and after I got over the cringe factor of how open I used to be, I thought it might be helpful for me to revisit the forums. I keep trying to figure out why I am having difficulties disproportionate to my circumstances, and one answer I keep getting internally is that I already "figured it out" but refuse to accept the reasons. It's hard to say what the truth is. Certainly I cannot go back and retrieve a comprehensive, unbiased dataset for analysis. Another option is to trust in my feelings, which sometimes happens and sometimes doesn't.

As I recall, I somewhat intentionally stopped processing because I was going to be out of school, and the prospect of having no distractions was daunting. I have since begun a high calibre academic program, a positive step that will prepare me for a career aligned with my values, but also presents the opposite problem (i.e. little time for processing). I still find myself drawn to the process of sorting out my mind, and I know that this work is important for my wellbeing, career, and loved ones. Yet I seem unable to make meaningful progress, caught between remembering when I could admit to trauma and distancing myself from the word now.

I spend an appreciable amount of time engaged in coping strategies that I logically know to be unhelpful and yet continue to indulge. For example, I think to myself that I do not have good enough reasons to feel the way I do. Sometimes I can trick myself into not having the feelings I think I have. It usually catches up with me in the form of symptoms. These symptoms prompt me to attribute some fault to myself or my behaviour for bringing them on in the first place, which is a bit of a funny paradox if you think about it. How can it be my fault I "feel bad" if I deny feeling bad in the first place?

It's all rather silly and I keep thinking that if I could just figure out what's going on with me, I would be able to chart a path forward. And yet, I know that if that were the case, it would have happened by now. Instead I continue to sort of feed my symptoms as a way of proving to myself that I meet some arbitrary standard of experiencing unpleasantness, which is rather irresponsible of me and I should probably try seek out some other forms of validation 

Apologies for the vague description. Hard to validate that.

Another complicating factor is that I (and others) have increasingly suspected that I am on the spectrum, which would perhaps explain why I have difficulty rationalizing contradictory symptoms (ex. some forms of self-care come naturally to me whereas others are a challenge; having both self-compassionate and self-deprecating thoughts) and feel I must present both sides to avoid "lying". I also suspect neurodivergence could help explain why the events I recall as being "traumatic" lack a certain "wow" factor; I genuinely mean this as a statement of fact regarding my lower threshold for being affected and not as a negative comment on the neurodivergent community (you're all super valid).

I think my intention in posting is to cultivate some motivation to be on my own side again. Sometimes I wonder, if feelings don't impact functioning, how significant can they be? I know better, but I continue to choose not to talk about certain things (even though I have supportive people in my life) which allows me to continue getting away with not trying. I do have a therapist, though, which has been helpful.

I am aware it might sound like I'm fishing. Please don't feel pressured to respond or to respond in a certain way. Anyone who replies to me may have to deal with my inability to reciprocate.


All the best,
Ownside

I've decided to restart my journal for a number of reasons.

For a while now I've been wondering about the purpose of sharing. How would it help me to have other people know how I'm feeling? I seem to be bottling up and then posting a lot at once, not always in rational terms, and ending up with a cringe/vulnerability hangover. Which discourages me from posting again, and then things build up.

Recently I've experienced some feelings of belonging in a peer group. It helped me realize that if you want to belong somewhere, you have to show up. I tend to isolate. And when I do meet someone and like them, I will hang out with them a bit and then distance myself to test their interest. It's how I build trust, but it peters out a lot of friendships before they even really get going. I think I do this with the forum too. Despite all the support I've been getting I have ambiguous feelings about my sense of belonging and I think part of that has to do with my patchy engagement.

I've also been doing some songwriting and this theme of wanting to share keeps coming up. Despite my surface values that say it's more considerate to limit emotional reveal, I think there's a part of me that really does want to be seen. I've talked to people in real life who tell me about themselves and their past in depth, and it's not a burden to listen. I feel honoured to be invited into their world. I've begun imagining that someone might someday feel similarly about me.

Some activism feelings have also been coming up for me. Particularly when I see things happening to my sister that remind me of my trauma. It might not be trauma yet for her, but I know where that road leads over the years. At this point I don't yet feel like I can influence the situation significantly. But it is a mission for me. I also think about someday leveraging my experience to help others, maybe through art or work.

For all these reasons -- cringing over my previous journal, wanting to feel more integrated on the site, satisfying the part that does want to share, and healing for someone other than myself -- I'm making a commitment. I would like to post here in the journal at least once a week. It can be about anything. That's the trust part. I'm not pushing myself to share things before I'm ready. I'm pushing myself to show up. I've seen myself make habits and it's amazing how something peripheral can become a part of you through repeated exposure. I think that could happen with this.

[My apologies for editing]

I hope I'm ready for this because I'm a bit terrified of being seen but at the same time tired of hiding so much.

It's the middle of the night where I am. I'm thinking again how its been a while since I've been to T. It plays out like a conversation, where I try to explain myself in a way that makes sense -- a lot of my thoughts trend that way. And for context, I was seeing a T at my university but when I graduated I decided to try this organization that offers free services for youth, including drop-in counselling sessions.

That was working for me for a while. And while my FOO knows I go to therapy, I've been a bit more secretive about it lately because, well, I'm no longer discussing "just" anxiety. So I've been calling them "appointments". I have them on the computer. And I guess referring to them that way made them indistinguishable from the other appointments I have on the computer, meetings with people for school and such.

My M made a couple of little comments about these appointments. Like how one of them seemed long, or that it was "annoying" that I had to go to so many. There are multiple ways to interpret that statement but the way I interpreted it was "It annoys me that you're going to so many appointments." They were counselling appointments! And she couldn't have known that because I didn't tell her, but good grief, that was not what I needed to hear.

So now... now, every time I go to book a session, my brain kicks into overdrive. Trying to calculate how I can do this without "annoying" her. Trying to figure out if I really "need" it right now, or if I can hold out. There's this CBT group that started shortly after that, that I had signed up for a while ago, and I thought maybe I could get by on that (because one appointment a week is annoying enough, right?) but it's more like a class than a therapy session. And while my M hasn't complained about it, I still have to navigate this fear when I think of adding more. It's sort of easier to just tell myself I'm fine. But I'm not fine.

I've just about got a session booked now. It's with my T from university (she also does private practice) and I haven't seen her since the summer so I've got a lot to catch her up on. I need someone familiar. And so I was explaining all this to her, in my head, and thinking, Wow. My M's annoyance has a lot of power over me. And I realized that many of the times I've been hurt, it's because she got annoyed and said something to me. And how much sense it would make for my body to develop such a high sensitivity to this emotion, in her, as sort of an early warning system. Appease, before things get worse! Avoid further trauma.

It sounds basic when I write it like that but what came over me emotionally was a sense of understanding and acceptance for my own sensitivity, a trait that's brought me a lot of shame over the years. My body is just trying to protect me. That's what I wanted to share.

[My apologies for removing part of this post...]

Hi all!

I'm a young adult on a years-long identity questioning tour (including sexuality, gender, neurodivergence, and mental illness) in which C-PTSD is my latest place of exploration. I decided to join OOTS after reading a few threads (particularly The Healing Porch) and noticing a strong emotional reaction come over me. It seemed like the people here would understand the parts of me that didn't make sense and that I didn't have to be alone anymore.

I have a hard time rationalizing my experiences as abuse or neglect per se (the harm was not intentional), but I've slowly been recognizing that I have trauma and that it arose in a relational context. I am hoping that's enough for me to be here. Everything I remember seems so small, but the Big T Little T Trauma thread has assured me that it still counts. I am learning how to validate myself.