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Topics - betamax524

#1
Hello, it's me, Max, again :D I haven't been able to post recently because I've been a bit busy. I've recently switched to a therapist closer to my home (my old one was close to my college--but 3 hours away from home), and I'm waiting for an appointment with a neurologist under her advice.

Right now, I'm on medication for my Bipolar disorder, and I think in a few months time, I'll be ready for some talking therapy-- opening up about my past experiences and such.

On another note, an animal shelter near me is opening up free cat adoptions on Sunday, and well, I really want a pet cat... We have strays that stay outside our house, but they're not that affectionate :( I guess I'm a little starved for attention, since my mom is at work for most of the day. She's concerned that we might not have space inside the house for a cat, but she says she'll consider it! And I guess no matter what her choice is, I'll still have my lovely strays and virtual cats, heh :')
#2
Art / Some of my own drawings!
February 13, 2016, 05:24:17 PM
I hope it's okay that I share my own art here! Drawing has always been a way for me to relax and distance myself from the stress around me... It's one of the few times that I can actually get my brain to agree with me and enjoy something wholeheartedly.

I've always been a fan of X-Men, since my mother and uncle were big fans and I pretty much grew up around the movies and comics, but I've only started drawing stuff inspired by it recently. These pictures are just a sample of my work, and they're from oldest to latest :~)





#3
Other / Is it migraines or headaches?
February 12, 2016, 06:48:41 PM
Recently I've noticed that my head aches a lot, and at most it's a few hours each day... The thing is, I'm not sure if it's migraines or simple headaches, because the one thing everyone asks me is "Is the pain unbearable?" which is a struggle in itself to answer thanks to my skewed sense of pain.

What I have noticed is that the aching in my head tends to be either "dull" yet I feel it equally around my temples, forehead, and sometimes even scalp and sinuses, or the pain "throbs" and I end up hearing my own heartbeat. (Which is quite unsettling.) The pain also seems to be aggravated by loud noises and bright lights. Sometimes I also start to feel nauseous as well.

I drink paracetamol to combat it, but it feels like the pain never really goes away, just becoming more manageable/easier to ignore... Following this chart of pain http://40.media.tumblr.com/ba2b35c756ef24ab26dacafd192d1914/tumblr_nozfr0vmUc1rok2dro1_500.jpg, I'd say my headaches range from a level 2 to 5. While typing this up, I'd say I feel like... a 3.5? 4.25? Like I said, pain is confusing for me to gauge effectively...

Anyone have any suggestions? Ideally I'd get this checked out by a doctor as soon as possible, but getting out of the house seems like a big challenge on some days, or I just plain forget.
#4
Hello all! As a preamble, Catholic schools are considered probably the only way to get a passable education here, so my mother didn't really have much of a choice... My mother herself isn't religious, and while my grandparents are, they prefer to do things by themselves. The brunt of religious abuse I experienced was thanks to school...

Technically though, my school wasn't run by a religious organization, since most schools run by those have a "rule" that only children whose parents are married can attend (what??). Only in my last two years or so did we even get in-school nuns and the like. But still, there's a large focus on traditional Catholic values, and being raised in a fairly non-traditional household let to culture shock, inevitably.

In the beginning it was small things, like endlessly being reminded that a "real family" consists of a narrow definition, and rampant ableism and anti-queerness that would guilt me as I grew older. There's also how I felt specifically targeted by the dress code (even though we rarely got to wear anything other than our uniforms) due to my body "developing" earlier and more obviously as a teenager. I was shamed, in indirect but very hurtful ways, for being many things. I felt ashamed for being an "illegitimate child," I felt ashamed of my own body, I felt ashamed of my own emotions, and I felt ashamed of myself as a whole. Toxic stuff!

This only worsened when my facade of "perfection" started cracking, and I also started to question my gender and sexuality. Seeking advice from teachers led to being shot down with "You're too young to worry about things like that," "It's all in God's plan," "You just have to pray and believe." Imagine being 13 years old, suicidal, and being told that your entire wellbeing depended on the opinion of a concept you barely trusted as a child? As a result I clammed up, holding everything inside, afraid that if I told anyone at school, they would tell my family a fabricated version of the suffering I was going through. (The only school-related person I trusted at that point was the man in charge of one of the extracurricular clubs I was a member of. He was a short, jolly man, and despite being religious, he never tried to force his beliefs upon me, and instead listened and empathized with me and tried to make me laugh. I'm extremely thankful to him.)

I did have friends, but being with them was largely exhausting, since I had to pretend to be a whole other person entirely. Until now, I still feel largely uncomfortable around them since it;s very hard to slip back into the role that I played with them...

It's largely because of this that I chose to apply to the only high-quality, non-religious university in the country. Getting accepted there, and being able to attend, even for just one semester, was so undeniably freeing. I was also able to make friends who accepted and loved me for who I was, and not who I was pretending to be.

I'm still working to deal with and get past this, especially since I've been left with a phobia of churches, religious statues, and basically anything to do with Catholicism in general. The main struggle is that religion is a Big Part of the culture here in general (I live in the Philippines), so there are few places where I feel truly safe...
#5
Hey ho, it's me again, Max. Sorry for the possibly confusing title... The thing is, I've been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 2 with a tendency for mixed episodes), and when I think about it, a significant amount of the emotional abuse and neglect I've experienced was because of me being "too emotional" or other similar terms. There's this whole culture of "conceal, don't feel" within my immediate family, so they would tend to look at my "outbursts" with frustration and disappointment.

I went to the same school from 1st grade until senior year high school, which meant that there were important faculty members who pressured me to keep up my grades and stay "perfect." Even until now, I still find it hard to remind myself that it's okay for me to make mistakes, because there's always that voice in the back of my head that thinks I'll be abandoned after making a mistake.

(As an aside, my father left shortly after I was born, and he's never really been that much of a presence in my life. When I was around 10 or 11, I learned that he would be marrying someone else. He has two children now, and I think it's possible a lot of my anxiety about being perfect and never disappointing anyone could come from this, in a way... What's interesting is I never really saw this as a "problem" until I entered [Catholic] school, and many people made me feel bad about my family, gah.)
#6
Hello, I'm Max. I'm currently 18 years old, and I've been struggling with the symptoms of C-PTSD for quite a while now. My memory is quite inconsistent, but I do remember a sense of isolation, fear of abandonment, shame, and the idea that I should "keep it all inside." In school, I was considered a model student, and my teachers had many expectations for me and would get disappointed (and tell me so) if I made a mistake. I distinctly remember being 16 years old and crying in front of my homeroom teacher because of extreme stress, to which she simply said (this is mainly paraphrased): "That's silly, just concentrate on your studies for now." When I entered college at 17, I admitted to my mother that I wanted to see a therapist, and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (mostly mixed episodes), but I've been doing some research and the symptoms of C-PTSD apply very strongly to me.

Through discussion with close friends, I've realized that my childhood (what I can remember) was mostly built on emotional neglect/abuse, gaslighting, pressure to be perfect, and an overwhelming unspoken rule that I should never bother people with my problems. Most of this came from my grandparents and teachers in school, because my mother is a single mom who works long hours...

I do have love and support from my mother and close friends, but other family members and acquaintances stubbornly insist that I'm "too good" to feel like this. I guess it's just disheartening, in a way? So many people I know see me as "delusional" and are more interested to know when I'll be able to function "properly." :/