1

Recovery Journals / no returns

« on: March 09, 2023, 04:18:55 PM »

i was looking for something pos. to label this journal, and at the moment i couldn't find anything.  so, here it is.

at my last session, i found it difficult to talk to my T about what's going on w/ me cuz it felt like i was ripping a bandage off a wound that hadn't healed yet and everything ended up raw and oozing all over again.  i think that's why i've stayed away from writing here - it brings it all up again, everything i'm trying to pack down so it doesn't overwhelm me.

feeling fear is still so new, and so very awful.  i truly don't know how people have lived w/ it all their lives.  don't know how they've lived w/ any of their emotions, to be honest.  it still feels very new, extremely painful, and the hurt i've accumulated over the yearscan now slam me like a sledge hammer.  i know i couldn't have made it thru my life if i'd had them, tho. 

that's a tough realization for me as well.  but at the same time i can look back at everything and see how being unemotional saved me, even tho it took its toll on me and others in different ways.  ugh, that hurts to admit it.

i'll leave it there.  i don't want to go to mexico to live - that would be a very last resort.  too hot, too dirty (i lived in the desert), culture of poverty w/ its own unique perspective.  no, i really don't want to return to that.  and that sentence gave me the title for this journal.  i really don't want to return to where or what i was, so i'll keep pushing forward as best i can, thru the hurt and pain.

   i'm working on getting my faith in myself back.  it's gotten buried under everything.  knowing i can manage or deal with whatever comes my way has gotten me to where i've wanted to go in life.  didn't really have hope, but i had that faith in me.  it was a good thing to have and i want to feel it, know it, again. 

2

Poetry & Creative Writing / Trapped

« on: January 26, 2023, 06:01:53 AM »

i am trapped in a glass box, curled up against what i cannot bear to bear,
     leave the past in the past,
     let go and let god,
     try to think of the good things in your life,
     don't keep dragging forward those memories . . .

they mean well, but to me their platitudes mean nothing

does no one think that if i could do any of that
relieve myself of this ongoing pain
cleanse my being of what i know
that i wouldn't do it in a moment?

do they really think i want to be this way?
that i haven't tried everything in everyone's book
that i haven't tried stilling my mind, making myself blind to the past?

i'm scared to emerge from that glass box.
it feels like the only thing protecting me
from the shards of reality
that would rain down upon me
if it were smashed.

there's nothing else i can do now but watch my world unfold
nothing left to be told
no one left to scold
until someday either the glass melts
or i do.

for now, it is clear as glass
i can wish for, hope for, pray for strength
to remain curled, unfurled,
until answers are swirled around me
and i can grab onto the tale of a kite
which will lift me with the gift of relief.

3

Checking Out / signing out for now

« on: October 24, 2022, 03:30:44 PM »

i'm in the middle of stress flu, have an editing job to finish, and am getting double vaccinated on thurs., which always sits me down for a week or so.  with all this, i've got to gather myself to myself for a while, cuz i need my energy elsewhere for the nonce (love that phrase!).  see you all later.  love and hugs to everyone!

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Poetry & Creative Writing / Unlikely As It May Beam, We Glow

« on: October 10, 2022, 10:16:06 PM »

i wrote a lot of poems when i lived in mexico, in the midst of confusion, illness, and depths of despair.  i think that's why my wordplay came out the way it did.  at any rate, here's one of them:

Unlikely As It May Beam, We Glow

     There is a bright shining within
   and surround us, although it's not
       always squeezy to peel.
     Sometimes it rides a wave of
  forlorn, or drives the pavement of
    unlikely.  Nonetheless, in the
   starkest of towers, our light will
   grow the way.  We only need to
       trust and swallow it.

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Birthday / 3/4 of a century!

« on: October 06, 2022, 03:18:24 PM »

oh my heart - tomorrow is a milestone birthday for me - 75!!!  i can't believe i've come this far, altho i have this dreadful concern that until it's actually the date, i'm tempting fate by talking about it.  it's very exciting to me, tho, because i know there have been several times in my life when i came too close to not seeing another day.  yet, i, for some reason, saw each of those next days and more next days until here i am.  it's been a lot of next days, for sure.

i'm overexcited about it, over stimulated.  we're actually having a friend of my D's over to celebrate w/ us, i'm getting gyros, one of my all-time favorite foods, and we're going to watch 2 of my all-time favorite movies ('streets of fire'  and the original 'magnificent 7', w/ yul brynner, my all-time sexiest man ever!)  it's become a tradition w/ my D and i that we each pick 2 movies to watch, and the other has to watch them no matter what!  her taste runs to sci-fi and fantasy and indie movies, so i've been able to broaden my horizons in the movie world.

anyway, babbling off this nervous energy.  i once remember a man on a book forum who felt a sympathy for women after their kids had grown up and left home, cuz, in his eyes, they had nothing else to do with their lives.  i just laughed, answered w/ things i'd accomplished each decade of my life regardless of children or not, and he responded w/ some humility and astonishment, said his perspective had been broadened.  i guess i've always been a grab the tiger by the tail and lets see where it takes me kind of gal,  pluses and minuses, maybe, but i keep living. (my 70's have begun my authoring and editing career!)

my D once worked at a condo building where all these seniors would tell her 'never get old'.  i tell her (no matter how much i rant, rave, and complain here) that it's a lot of fun getting old.  we laugh at me every day, whether it's memory stuff, bathroom stuff, gas leaks, lack of cooking skills - doesn't matter.  it's fun and funny.

i feel better for writing all this.  and a chorus of the song 'the end of the line' (traveling wilburys, composed of bob dylan, tom petty, george harrison, jeff lynne - ELO - and roy orbison)  has brightened my day since i've begun getting older.  dylan wrote the lyrics, and one stanza always stood out for me - 'well, it's all right, even if you're old and gray, well it's all right, you still got somethin' to say'.  it's true - we oldsters have a lot of experience and wisdom to spread around like precious flower petals to anyone who will listen.  by the by, i only have about 20 gray hairs on my head, which my D is so thankful for!

so, happy birthday to me.  it's been a wild and wonderful ride, all told.

6

General Discussion / a new level of trauma

« on: September 20, 2022, 06:56:07 PM »

as i'm learning more about the relationship i had w/ my ex, i'm discovering how HUGE the trauma-fallout is.  altho i experienced emotional neglect during childhood, what i faced in adult relationships amped up the wounds to levels i'm only beginning to appreciate.

maybe appreciate is the wrong word.  understand? see? believe?

i have 2 ex hubs, and while hub #1 was bad enough (drugs, alc, sex addictions, leaving me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant) hub #2, who i refer to as my ex, has done damage to me the magnitude of which i'm only beginning to comprehend.  today in session, as badly as i was working to diminish his influence over me, my mind conjured up instance after instance of repeated trying to push him out, only to have him multiply, surround me, grow larger and larger as a presence blocking any escape.

i finally felt like i was drowning in him.  i was able to summon a life buoy from both my T and my D, enabling me to keep my head above water, but i could feel the jaws of underwater creatures swimming around my legs and feet.  i ended up with continued fear of one of them someday biting off a foot. 

altho we're going to work more on this later this week, the reality of what happened to me because of him, and how i'm continually connected to to him because of my D (who continues a relationship w/ him) showed me some dark waters surrounding me.  my T named it torture, what he did to me for over 20 yrs - playing w/ my head, deceit, life-threatening addiction on his part that he finally told me after about 15 yrs., the confusion, the fear of his rage that i didn't/wouldn't/couldn't acknowledge at the time - it's all sitting on my head at this moment.

kizzie once said adult c-ptsd is different than the childhood version, and i fully agree.  as i've worked on my childhood trauma, it seemed so straightforward.  difficult, yes, yet in some ways it seemed clean compared to the trauma i've encountered because of adult relationships.  the reality of what i've endured is nearly overwhelming me now in a way it hasn't in the past, mainly, i suspect, i now have emotions attached that simply weren't there before.  i can't see how this could possibly end.

just had to let this out. 

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Recovery Journals / looking for relief

« on: August 11, 2022, 02:19:41 PM »

i picked this title because that's exactly what i feel like in this phase of my recovery. 

i talked to my T about how i can't make any real progress on healing from the people in my life cuz nearly every time i speak w/ her we're putting out little side fires, so to speak, from triggers or new events that have disturbed and distressed me.  really, at times, it's felt like i'm getting worse instead of better cuz i'm so full to overflowing w/ this crapola i'm now sensitive to the slightest anything.

she offered me a theory, which i found something of a relief: maybe these little side fires, etc., which are all related to my major issues, traumas, and the like, are my brain's way of breaking up the big issues into smaller pieces which i can tolerate better.  it's known by both of us that i absolutely cannot tolerate facing anything bigger than a breadbox w/o some severe reaction, be it mental, emotional, or physical.  that theory made sense to me on some level, so i'm going with it.  it made me feel better, too.

i've also had an ongoing issue about my D and her father (my ex).  knowing that she's still communicating w/ him and what kind of person he is makes my skin absolutely crawl. my T and i also talked about that - it just hurts my mother heart that he can manipulate her and is most likely feeling good about it, making her his friend as he struggles w/ D1 now (who my D2 has already gone NC with, and he knows about the problems, knows it upsets my D2, but doesn't care), discussing his issues w/ her sister cuz he knows he can and she won't say anything.  ugh!  these are the thoughts that run thru my head about the 2 of them, and i hate it, hate him, can't see this ending until he no longer exists.

my T has listened to me about this many times, but this time she came up w/ one of those little nuggets which are difficult to digest and accept, but which i grudgingly know is true -- my D has her own path to follow, and right now it includes him.  dang, i hated hearing that, but it does give me an ounce of relief about the situation, so i'll go w/ it.  that doesn't mean i like it.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / on the edge

« on: July 07, 2022, 07:27:23 PM »

i'm working hard right now to stay sane. have been dissociated since tues., feeling numb, scared, fragile.  was triggered by a pregnancy scene where the hub went to great lengths to be w/ his wife while she had her baby. for both my pregnancies, my hubs weren't there for me. #1 hub was living w/ another woman after leaving me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant.  #2 hub was in the delivery room but completely absent otherwise - he was somewhere behind me, no touch, no words, hadn't been supportive throughout the pregnancy, refusing to support me in any way even when i asked him specifically for what i wanted. 

my D has asked me not to talk about her father (#2) so when this scene came on and she said 'isn't that nice how much effort her husband made to be with her?' i froze.  the trigger was bad enough, but the idea that i couldn't answer her or relate to what was happening in the show froze me immediately. i felt trapped, unable to speak and my brain shut down.  i'm existing but nothing else.  and i went into total past  doing and saying things, forcing myself to be somewhat present, but i saw myself completely transformed into who i'd been for most of my life - not really caring what she was talking about, just going thru the motions.

my mind is swirling at the same time standing still.  my T gave this the name of dissociation, told me i'm safe now (after we did some grounding techniques) and i said 'am i? am i safe? this was a trigger and a question and i've spiraled to the brink.  i'm so afraid that since this broke thru this time, the taking away of myself in an instant, that it's like the dam has burst and i'm losing all the life-giving water behind it.  and now my mind is so broken, even after i recall myself, it already knows the way to make this happen again.

maybe i'm not making sense, but i didn't know what else to do except write it down here.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / frustrated and so very tired

« on: February 13, 2022, 08:29:38 AM »

it's so hard to wrap my head around the idea that this crapola keeps on coming up, over and over and over and over again.  different triggers from too many sources of abuse and trauma throughout my lifetime.  sometimes i feel so needy, just wanting to lay down and rest or run run run from all this.  i'm unsettled, distressed, and disturbed.  seemingly some new issue to target for processing rears its ugly head each session - 2x/week for over 2 yrs.- and, while there is some progress made on each one, some tangent appears and demands to be dealt with, leaving the original target in the dust and mostly unresolved. 

just having a hard time settling, feeling any kind of stillness inside.  i had it for about 1/2 of a day last week for the first time, so i know things are progressing, but this whack-a-mole crapola is driving me bonkers, and not in a fun way.  also dealing with my D's burnout right now isn't helping.  too many triggers to manage on a daily basis, and right now they seem to be getting the better of me.

10

Recovery Journals / still digging

« on: November 26, 2021, 03:29:25 PM »

therapy today.  i don't know how much processing i can take - yesterday was very busy and i'm tired this morning.  on the other hand, now that one piece of my ex has been taken care of, i've noticed another piece that came up which needs to be dealt with.  it contains an incident with my ex and D1, something he said to her in a store that convinced me about the misogynistic part of him.  before that, i don't think i gave misogyny too much credence.

**********TW - inappropriate language - *******************

however, 'who's your daddy' at the checkout when he's paying for several items of hers is not ok.  she was livid, he was meh.  he told me he brought it up with his T, said she kind of laughed and told him she'd been working with him for over a year and she thought she'd know if that was one of his problems.  then he told me, as if he were bragging about it 'I'm a great liar.' that sealed the deal for me.

*************end TW *****************

after this prideful admission to me, i don't trust a word he says or an action he does.  it's part of what is so painful when i know my D2 is interacting with him.  i know now that he has his own agenda for everything he says and does.  and i guess it's appropriate now that i have a big chunk of a dynamic between he and i resolved, my mind would turn to interactions between he and my D's.

lurking in the background, of course, are still issues w/ icky L, my D1, and my first hub - we haven't really touched on those yet.  well, yes, i did get some resolution about icky L, but we hadn't really addressed the dynamic with her, my ex, and me in therapy.  awful.  i want to get all that cleaned out, but quite honestly, it is scary.  the major adjustment i could feel in my brain last week was unnerving, even tho it turned out ok.  i'd just never experienced it before.

so, ever onward.  no way past this crapola but thru it.  but, ugh - it's exhausting at times.

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RE - Re-experiencing the Past (eg Flashbacks, Triggers) / too many triggers too many times

« on: August 13, 2021, 08:37:53 PM »

in therapy this morning, as i was processing an issue about my mex. hub that came up because of a trigger i saw on a tv show, both my previous hubs intruded on the processing.  i quickly became overwhelmed, and we had to do a containment dynamic to separate them, keep them caged up, until i am able to go thru the particular issue with them one at a time.

altho it's very common for me to be triggered into a neg. memory by a word, song, tv or movie scene (i rarely go thru a day without, and often have several in a day), this was a new phenomenon for me - being triggered while doing therapeutic processing to the point where i had to stop what i was doing and put each of them into compartments in order for me to feel safe and comfortable enough to look at this issue another day.

this wasn't the same as instances where i've been processing and something comes up that leads me back to a childhood issue.  this was the same issue with 3 hubs, all in adulthood at an adult level.   i don't know what will happen next time i speak to my t, nor if my containment strategy will work until i'm able to begin again.  anyone else with similar experience?  how did it play out?  anything for me to look for or expect? any opinions welcome.  thanks.

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Checking Out / overloaded and stressed

« on: June 20, 2021, 05:46:36 AM »

3 days to the move, can barely hang on.  won't have internet for a bit.  i've just got to not be here for a bit.  need to settle.  i'm wiped.

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Therapy / EMDR Flash Technique

« on: May 29, 2021, 07:29:12 PM »

as an emdr therapist, i stay connected with the goings on in this field, and have heard about the Flash Technique nearly 2 years ago.  it was designed to help traumatized people in therapy who become overwhelmed by their memories and experiences be able to get to the other side without the pain that often coincides with reliving the past.

this is just a heads up for anyone using emdr as a trauma reprocessing technique. The Flash Technique is rather new, but i've now experienced it and i give it a big thumb's up     any questions, feel free. 

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / triggered and scared

« on: May 26, 2021, 06:58:41 PM »

lately i've been working on some difficult stuff about my ex.  unfortunately, my D1 and my icky therapist were also involved in the same time frame - approximately 20 years.  this means there are no end of triggers in sight, and each one hits me anew. 


***** TW******    supernatural references from a tv show

yesterday, during my session, altho focused on my ex, the other 2 came into the picture inadvertantly. i was ready to let them go for next session, but while watching a tv series (supernatural) an episode appeared that contained children possessed by demons.  while that can be disturbing in itself, what triggered me extremely badly, so much so that i had to leave the room, were the eyes of 2 young girls glaringly angrily at their mother. i immediately flashed back to seeing those eyes on D1 when she was 4 yrs. old (her baby sister had only recently come onto the scene 6 mos. before.)

the other part that struck me was that these children were demanding all of their mother's time, and actually sucked on the mom's neck for sustenance, literally sucking the life out of her so they could continue living.  many times i've said that about my 3 worst offenders - they were sucking me dry, wouldn't stop until i was insane or dead (all are narcs). 


******end TW ********

afterwards, as i was sitting w/ my coffee and cig, the image of her eyes on me, so judgmental at such a young age, and all the demands she constantly put on me for my time and attention came full blown into my mind and wouldn't let go.  i was already fragile from the session in the morning, and this completely overwhelmed me.  i discovered hate for her (first time for that) and the idea of how much pain (unrealized) i must be carrying around.  i couldn't actually feel the pain, but i know it's there.

i did some eye movements to dispel that image of her glaring at me, and that helped, but the other part of her and the other 2 adults sucking the life out of me, draining me of whatever they demanded, needed, or wanted from me has kept me worse than fragile today.  i've put a call in to my t, asking her to call me if she has time today.  i went to quite a dark place yesterday, and it frightened me.

it seems that the deeper i go into this, the less my survival and protective devices are present.  i understand they've kept me alive for so many years, and having broken thru them is a sign of healing, but this overwhelmed me in an instant.  dang, sometimes i wish i could go back, have that concrete surrounding me.  i can still feel the anger and hate from her, and i know she still carries it with her, still puts those vibes towards me out into the world.  just a couple years ago she told D2 (the one i live with) that if D2 was going to continue to have  a relationship w/ me, D1 would not be friends with her.

i have been so hurt by this and i'm not realizing it till now.  i can feel the pain coming, and it's going to hit me like a tornado, and i'm so very afraid . . .

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Poetry & Creative Writing / the mime

« on: March 30, 2021, 07:18:09 AM »

the mime
trapped in a glass box
seeing all but unable to act
until the anger overtakes
and with fists of steel
he pounds the glass
wanting to get out.

what he didn't realize,
glass shatters
and the shards of independence
shred his skin and muscles and bone

crying out in pain
blood spilling at his feet
we had to begin anew
too frightened of the image that freedom chose.