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Topics - sanmagic7

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1
Checking Out / overloaded and stressed
« on: Today at 05:46:36 AM »
3 days to the move, can barely hang on.  won't have internet for a bit.  i've just got to not be here for a bit.  need to settle.  i'm wiped.

2
Therapy / EMDR Flash Technique
« on: May 29, 2021, 07:29:12 PM »
as an emdr therapist, i stay connected with the goings on in this field, and have heard about the Flash Technique nearly 2 years ago.  it was designed to help traumatized people in therapy who become overwhelmed by their memories and experiences be able to get to the other side without the pain that often coincides with reliving the past.

this is just a heads up for anyone using emdr as a trauma reprocessing technique. The Flash Technique is rather new, but i've now experienced it and i give it a big thumb's up   :thumbup:  any questions, feel free.  :hug:

3
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / triggered and scared
« on: May 26, 2021, 06:58:41 PM »
lately i've been working on some difficult stuff about my ex.  unfortunately, my D1 and my icky therapist were also involved in the same time frame - approximately 20 years.  this means there are no end of triggers in sight, and each one hits me anew. 


***** TW******    supernatural references from a tv show

yesterday, during my session, altho focused on my ex, the other 2 came into the picture inadvertantly. i was ready to let them go for next session, but while watching a tv series (supernatural) an episode appeared that contained children possessed by demons.  while that can be disturbing in itself, what triggered me extremely badly, so much so that i had to leave the room, were the eyes of 2 young girls glaringly angrily at their mother. i immediately flashed back to seeing those eyes on D1 when she was 4 yrs. old (her baby sister had only recently come onto the scene 6 mos. before.)

the other part that struck me was that these children were demanding all of their mother's time, and actually sucked on the mom's neck for sustenance, literally sucking the life out of her so they could continue living.  many times i've said that about my 3 worst offenders - they were sucking me dry, wouldn't stop until i was insane or dead (all are narcs). 


******end TW ********

afterwards, as i was sitting w/ my coffee and cig, the image of her eyes on me, so judgmental at such a young age, and all the demands she constantly put on me for my time and attention came full blown into my mind and wouldn't let go.  i was already fragile from the session in the morning, and this completely overwhelmed me.  i discovered hate for her (first time for that) and the idea of how much pain (unrealized) i must be carrying around.  i couldn't actually feel the pain, but i know it's there.

i did some eye movements to dispel that image of her glaring at me, and that helped, but the other part of her and the other 2 adults sucking the life out of me, draining me of whatever they demanded, needed, or wanted from me has kept me worse than fragile today.  i've put a call in to my t, asking her to call me if she has time today.  i went to quite a dark place yesterday, and it frightened me.

it seems that the deeper i go into this, the less my survival and protective devices are present.  i understand they've kept me alive for so many years, and having broken thru them is a sign of healing, but this overwhelmed me in an instant.  dang, sometimes i wish i could go back, have that concrete surrounding me.  i can still feel the anger and hate from her, and i know she still carries it with her, still puts those vibes towards me out into the world.  just a couple years ago she told D2 (the one i live with) that if D2 was going to continue to have  a relationship w/ me, D1 would not be friends with her.

i have been so hurt by this and i'm not realizing it till now.  i can feel the pain coming, and it's going to hit me like a tornado, and i'm so very afraid . . .

4
Poetry & Creative Writing / the mime
« on: March 30, 2021, 07:18:09 AM »
the mime
trapped in a glass box
seeing all but unable to act
until the anger overtakes
and with fists of steel
he pounds the glass
wanting to get out.

what he didn't realize,
glass shatters
and the shards of independence
shred his skin and muscles and bone

crying out in pain
blood spilling at his feet
we had to begin anew
too frightened of the image that freedom chose.

5
Frustrated? Set Backs? / overloaded and stressed
« on: January 25, 2021, 05:24:23 AM »
my d and i are both closing in on breaking points.  she's sleeping in the family room cuz they found rot and mold in the floorboards and ceiling.  we've had numerous people out over the past 2 1/2 yrs. tell us the roof needs to be fixed, but the owner only allowed band-aid work done.  the last roofer who was supposed to fix the problem cleaned the gutters and put toppers on them. ideally, a large portion of the roof needs to be redone, the wall on that side re-walled, and the floorboards removed and replaced. that's the most pressing problem at this point.

we've also discovered the foundation is cracked and the plywood over it is probably rotted - we'd been told the carpet needed to be pulled up so someone could see what exactly is going on beneath it.  we wanted to buy this house so badly, and with so much fundamentally wrong, we just don't know.  we certainly won't pay the asking price - and my t called the owner a slumlord.  this house has been so mentally and emotionally healing for the both of us, the best neighbors ever, the forest as our backyard, and we could walk to the places we need the most - pharmacy, drugstore, e.r., doc, while the food bank has generously delivered boxes of food to us every month since we don't have a car.

the owner wants to sell it, but the mgt. agent said the place is unsellable after she walked around the house with us while we showed her what we've been putting up with.  we were even threatened more than a year ago by someone else from the old mgt. company that if we kept complaining about what's wrong, the owner might just decide to tear the house down and put up condos - so we lived in fear of that happening to the point where my d couldn't use her clogged sink for 2 weeks out of fear of complaining, then because a different kind of plumber had to come in because it wasn't just a clog but the pipes were full of rust and need to be replaced.

the list of this goes on and on.  we want to get an inspector in, which we'd have to pay for, to find out their thoughts, and know exactly what else might be wrong, if this is fixable, if we could take the cost of repairs off the asking price, etc.  we decided we want to fight for this house cuz we just can't imagine living anywhere else.  it's done more for our peace of mind (besides all the landlord crapola) than anywhere we've lived.  it's big enough that we can have our own parts of the house to retreat to if we need privacy or a break from each other, and the location is all we could ask for.

all of this is happening in the aftermath of the past few political weeks in the u.s., my continuing work on my past traumas, a lot of drams in my d's life from an old flame, and the anxiety of being told that another someone wants to come look at the house - that's been since sept.  amid the pandemic, my anxiety and fears are ramped up sky high.  the stress we are now experiencing is affecting us physically and mentally.  there was a point about a month ago when i had serious thoughts of retreating from the world.  my chest has been hurting me badly for 2 or 3 days now, my legs are wobbly, the past few weeks i've been up all night several times, or waking up after 3-4 hrs. i'm beginning to feel unwell, my d is feeling the same - headaches, fatigue, low energy. 

i know this kind of thing is bothering a lot of people cuz of the pandemic, but, quite honestly, that hasn't affected us very much.  mostly, we miss being able to go to the library or out to eat for celebrations.  no, we're able to walk safely near the forest, see the ocean every day - i'm hearing it right now - and sitting in our backyard w/ coffee and a cig is such a spiritual feeling for me.  i call it my chapel of the forest.   but, that's how i'm coping now - xanax, cigs, and food.  just trying to stay sane.  it is so frustrating because all i want to do is work on my issues, get myself healthier, and all these avalanches continue to fall on my head, so my therapy time is mostly spent talking about how i'm trying to cope from day to day.  issues are being cast aside cuz i don't have any mind energy to look at them, let alone deal with them.

and, today is the 6th anniversary of when i decided to go nc with D1, and this is the most punishing day of my year.  i don't know what else to do anymore.  i'm feeling as bad stress-wise as i did when i first left the states and moved to mexico.  my sanity feels on the edge, and that scares the grit outta me!

the topping on this cake was that i sliced my finger today while preparing food.  blood and more blood.  i haven't cut myself in so long, i can't even remember when.  i know i went on autopilot just trying to get it cleaned and covered, but it was the last straw.  it almost broke me.

6
Recovery Journals / digging out of the muck
« on: January 18, 2021, 05:32:01 AM »
it's 2021 now, a new year, a new journal.  it's been a terrible year for me in many ways, and i'm still plowing thru the gritty crapola that has tried to conquer me.  it hasn't yet, but it's sure given its best shot.  i've got so much yet to go, i really can't see me fully healing from it all, mainly cuz of my age - there just isn't enough time!  still, i haven't given up yet, altho there have been a few times when it's been a close call, and i'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other, shovel in hand, hoping it all doesn't suck me under before i can get a strong foothold again.

my worst anniversary is coming up this week, the day when i went nc with D1.  absolutely the hardest thing i've ever done, and i think of her every day even tho i don't really want to know anything about her.  like i told my t last fri., i left the door open for her to have a respectful, adult relationship with me if she wants, and all she has to do is let me know.  this will be 6 yrs. that she has chosen, every day, not to do so.  6 yrs. of torture to a mother's heart.  my heart hurts just writing about it.  when i told her these conditions, she wrote me 3 emails, beginning 'i love you'. i was excited for a moment until i read the rest of the first one.  she called me the vilest names i've ever heard one person call another. 

i shouldn't have written this now - it's night, i've got to try to go to sleep.  i've just asked the powers that be to take care of her.  it's all i can do for her.  in the meantime, i am absolutely so very glad that my darling D2 is with me, and loves me, showing me patience and kindness every day.  i couldn't ask for more from her, and she keeps me alive and laughing.  that's about as good as my life can get at this point.  she is a jewel in my crown of life. 

7
Other / thanksgiving
« on: November 25, 2020, 11:33:28 PM »
i celebrate this holiday now differently than what i was originally taught about it. i celebrate it to give thanks for the people in my life who have shown me a different way to live and think, for everyone here on this forum, and for the help i've received this year in moving forward out of the swamp of despair and into a stronger faith that i will continue to heal.  thank you all - you're the best! :grouphug:

8
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / stress has turned into distress
« on: September 06, 2020, 03:15:25 PM »
i've been scrambling day to day to keep it together lately, but today the stress of it all turned to physical distress.  this house thing, waiting to hear if we even qualify for a loan to try to buy it, simply took over this morning.  tears, nerves, vibes of forlorn and depression are pounding at the door to my brain, and i'm overloaded. my body is vibrating with the distress since so many things have happened just since may that suddenly i can't contain it.

i'm going to be 73 next month, and the idea of having to pack up this household knocked my socks off this morning as i walked thru the house.  sitting in the back, smoking and drinking coffee, i listened to the birds, heard the ocean, watched the sunlight shafting thru the forest turning the trees a beautiful gold, the branches waving at me in the slight breeze - this is a mental health house for both my d and me, and the idea of eventually having to leave this place - i am coping badly. one hour at a time is seeming to be too much for me today.

and, we still have to wait at least till tues. to find out if we have even a chance to possibly buying it - a real outside chance cuz financially we've been making it from month to month and who would want to loan us a large sum of money?  we've no assets, not even a car, so location is crucial, and this house has been perfect.  the hills have been manageable, we've got what we need w/in walking distance, and the food pantry has even been delivering to us every month to make sure we have enough to eat cuz we can't take public transportation to get in line while they hand out boxes of food.

honestly, this may seem petty - we still do have a house to live in at the moment, but our lease is up next june (still, they can't kick us out while our lease is in effect.)  that's our only saving grace.  the uncertainty is a killer.  this past month i helped my hub in mexico get thru covid, before that i had to deal w/ my horrible ex while he sold our other house from under me (he'd gotten power of attorney from me while i was very sick and in mexico), so when he ended up bankrupt from mismanaging his funds, the house no longer suited him.

the problem was my name was still on the lease, and he had no thought about that, that i might be held liable for any money due, so i had to have contact w/ him which exacerbated my anxiety and carried me over into waves of depression seeing how he betrayed me once again and i had to fight to get him to do the right thing.  it was horrible.

the month before that, 4 family members died, most from covid, including my estranged sister, but...ack.  can't go on.  this is agitating me just writing it down.  needless to say, nicotine, caffeine, and xanax are what's keeping me slightly sane, but today it became too much.  i'm staying alive because of my d.  otherwise, it just wouldn't matter.

9
Other / 4th of july
« on: July 04, 2020, 04:02:38 PM »
today is the celebration of the birth of the u.s.  with the state this country is in right now, i honestly don't feel very much like celebrating.  my heart is heavy - it feels so much like going back to the unrest and turbulence that started the civil war, the women's movement, the vietnam demonstrations, the civil rights movement.  i remember what it was like in the midst of most of these.  i can only hope and pray for healing, but am not in a party mood. 

10
Recovery Journals / #8 - starting over
« on: July 02, 2020, 05:12:07 PM »
i'm sticking a toe in here again, new journal - i want to leave everything that i've just gone thru behind and begin from here.

i got caught up in a discussion with my D about the difference betw. a sociopath and psychopath yesterday, my ex definitely being a sociopath,  it hit me like a sledghammer before i realized how badly triggered i'd gotten.  since she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her father, i felt trapped.  it happened so quickly, i didn't discover the extent of my distress until the conversation was over. needless to say, i didn't get to sleep until nearly 5 this morning, and only with the help of my chemical friends.

her author friend stayed w/ us nearly a week, and she's in the middle of a divorce.  she discovered that her hub is a narc, and she and i had a lovely chat, but she used the words 'covert narcissist' so many times, my head began spinning.  i mentioned to my D that one day of that was all i could take.  i'm sure my D doesn't fully understand why it had such an impact on me.

so, i'm finally out of the house, so to speak, and hope i never have to interact w/ him again.  i really do want to start over from this point, begin healing from this new traumatization.  funny how this stuff can come up to bite us in the butt when we're least expecting it.  i remember reading other's posts about some unexpected encounter w/ a former abuser, and how violent their reactions were.  many questioned their own sense of self, resilience, strength, etc. in a neg. way, but i know that it isn't us who are at fault, or are weak, or anything like that.

these traumas we've experienced, until they're firmly healed and calloused, are tender to the touch.  i've been thinking about w/ me and my reactions lately, and that's the conclusion i've come to - i am raw.  conversing about sociopaths was like rubbing sandpaper across an open wound.  too soon.  i want to slowly come back here and be involved w/ everyone, but i'm not sure yet how much i'll be able to do.  for now, one response elsewhere and this, and it's enough for today.  glad to be back, tho, if only w/ baby steps to start.  love and hugs to everyone who has helped me w/ your support, blankets, hot beverages, and grabbing my hand - your caring is remarkable, you are remarkable.  please, don't ever forget that.  thanks for everything.


11
Checking Out / taking a break
« on: June 15, 2020, 05:52:35 PM »
hey,

unfortunately, w/ everything that's gone down in the past 6 weeks, i've just gotta back away from here for a bit.  even writing about it has been triggering, and i'm just working on keeping my brain strung together.  i'll be thinking of you all, you're in my prayers every nite, and i'll miss you.  hopefully, i'll be able to get back here soon.  much love to you all  :grouphug:

12
Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / fractured
« on: June 12, 2020, 07:33:22 PM »
this stuff w/ my ex simply continues. i've had to talk to him twice in the past few days, he sold our house w/o telling me, says he went bankrupt and owes the bank nothing, but since my name is still on the deed, and he took so many mortgages out on the house to appease my money-grubbing D1 while she was living there w/ him, and otherwise, (altho he told me this face to face years ago, on the phone last week he simply said it was becuz of fixing it up, all of which was unnecessary work, not like the electrical problems or basement wreckage.), so i know he got himself into this mess and i feel no sympathy for him - it's been going on for years.

now i heard from my d i live w/ that he's selling the house, the house where i had to leave, where i raised my family, fought for my family, gardened, all my flowers, veggies, fruit trees i planted, and he never told me he was even thinking about selling it!  no thoughts, consultation, asking me what i thought, told me what's going on.  he used my d to relay sparse info to me, that there were 2 sets of papers coming, one that would say i'd get any extra money after the house sold (there won't be any, he admitted that) and the other to relinquish my name off the deed so that if the sale doesn't cover the cost of the home, and he doesn't owe anything to the bank, it would protect me from them coming after me for any additional money owed that wasn't covered by the sale.

this has traumatized me severely, and i only really realized it today.  when i talked to him, i turned into stone woman - my entire body felt like a gravestone, my eyes were hard, my voice was hard, just trying to get thru a conversation w/ him to find out what my d was talking about.  that's when most of the rest of this news came out - i don't know why i expected any courtesy from him, any thought from him that this may affect me.  through my tears i asked him how he could not think this would rattle me!!!

so, one envelope came 2 days ago, maybe 3, and all there was was a paper about getting extra money, but no sign of signing off on the deed.  i called him again, asking what's going on, he calmly said the other papers would be coming from his lawyer!  i know how slow lawyers can be, and i've heard nothing, and now i'm worried that the sale might go thru before i've signed off on it, and they might come after me.  all i have is soc. sec. and a small pension coming in, no nothing else.  i'm at my wit's end, talked to my t this morning, cried thru it, i'm so shattered, so fragmented, i've just been hiding out in my room since the call.

i could barely walk to the bathroom to get some xanax, my legs were wobbling all over, i was tilting, nearly losing my balance.  i thought i was going to get a chance to heal, but i'm getting re-traumatized instead!  last month was *, but i went numb.  this broke me open.  i decided to write cuz i just want some friendly faces from here - everyone crappy in my life i've gotten rid of, but they keep haunting me, coming back to re-traumatize me again - my ex-bff last month, now him).

i'm so confused, don't understand why these people continue to hurt me, to treat me like crapola, to ignore me, like i'm worthless.  i know i'm not, but they treat me like i am, and i don't understand it at all!!!  i've set boundaries, told them what i want, what i need, yet they keep coming at me, one more brick in the face.  how can i heal when i continually am traumatized in the present by the people who did so much of the trauma in the past?  i've spent most of my life confused and anxious, and i'm getting too old for this.  i can feel myself breaking - my entire body, especially my legs, is vibrating , and this is the lowest i've been in years.  i don't know why this is happening! 

i want to delete this.  i don't know what to do.............................and i can't talk to my d about it altho she knows this has upset me, but she doesn't want to hear anything bad about him cuz she wants to continue a relationship w/ him.  doesn't want to be put in the middle of her parents, altlho that's exactly what he did last week, and i had to confront him about even that.  he has no sense of anything human. 

13
Recovery Journals / #7 - breaking though
« on: April 16, 2020, 10:42:38 PM »
being able to break thru the feelings of helplessness at what's going on in the world felt good today.  i can now accept that people are going to do what they are going to do, and it's something important for me to realize that i can't fix it.  always had that pressure on to fix things for people or situations.  don't have to do that now.

it's quite freeing, actually.  didn't think it could be, but if feels as if some of the shackles have been shrugged off.  this is the best i've felt, for the longest time running, since sept.  i've been able to resolve my anxiety before bed and acquire this knowledge that i can and do accept people will act in ways that i don't agree w/ or that i view as dangerous, disrespectful, or dishonorable.  3 d's, for sure - i've witnessed it and experienced it too many times.  glad to get that out of the way.

so, a new journal with a new perspective. i don't feel stuck anymore, which is such a relief.  what, 7 months or so of that?  way too long. 

will be getting into some of my childhood stuff, especially my dad stuff next week.  that should prove interesting.

14
Medication / anyone else on remoron?
« on: April 10, 2020, 06:53:10 PM »
hey, all,

just started remoron last nite for anxiety.  this particular doc wouldn't prescribe xanax for me, which has been working well.  she told me that this anti-depressant was a first-line treatment for anxiety, and one of the side effects is sleepiness (i've been on xanax for restless legs syndrome for about 20 yrs. to help me sleep - either that or klonopin, which are in the same family).

the pharmacist told me to take a half dose of the remoron, half dose of the xanax for a few days to wean me off the xanax, which i did last nite.  this morning, altho i slept nearly 8 hrs., i didn't feel rested, like i had a 'good' sleep, and my back was in severe pain, as if i slept extremely tensely and all my back muscles, including my neck and the back of my shoulders were hurting when i woke up.  had to take ibuprofen, which helped, but i normally take that at night and then my back isn't a problem for me (at least, not more than usual).

i also felt very tired behind my eyes.  it's nearly 6 hrs. since i've been awake, and my eyes still feel tired.  i know this stuff needs to be in our system for a bit, and our brains and bodies need to adjust to something new, and it can take some time, so i checked in w/ my t, she agreed w/ me that i should give it a couple weeks, see how it goes.

that's my first day experience w/ this remoron.  just wondering if anyone else has been or is on this med, and how it's worked for you.  thanks.

15
Depression / afraid i'm sliding back down
« on: February 15, 2020, 07:17:14 AM »
all these months of battling these triggers, intrusive thoughts, horribly negative feelings toward others is wearing me down to the point where i'm afraid that my brain is literally changing back to the depression, the bad one, dark one that i once knew and was taking anti-deps for.  haven't had it for a long time.

don't know why i'm writing this, i just felt like i needed to put it someplace.  i don't like feeling scared like this, and my t won't be back for another month.  every day seems like a month, tho. 

this is the third place i've written tonite.  i'm just rambling all over the forum, and that's what my mind feels like.  everything is just rambling around in there, i don't know what to do with or for it.  am hoping writing it out will help, i guess.

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