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Topics - sanmagic7

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Neglect/Abandonment / results of my neglect
« on: January 26, 2020, 01:24:22 PM »
i'm digging into this deeper than i have by writing here.  when i've written about this in my journal, it seemed like i was more distant from it.  here, i'm putting it in my face, looking at it hard and true.  already i can feel my gut roiling up inside me.

i always had food and a roof over my head, 2 parents, so i wasn't neglected that way.  but we weren't taught very much about basic hygiene - baths once a week (and when my sis and i were young, we shared the bathwater, first one, then the other to save money, i guess), and my college roommate taught me about brushing my teeth in the morning to get rid of morning breath.  it was an aunt who bought me my first bra.  i wasn't allowed to shave my legs till i got to high school - until then, i wore knee socks so that i wouldn't be called 'gorilla legs' anymore.

emotionally, my parents didn't know what to do w/ emotions, and i was very sensitive so i had a lot.  but, by the age of 2, from what i understand, my F was very strict w/ me and i can't quite imagine how he must have restricted my spirit, but my M told me before she died that she'd told him to let up on the next baby (my S was born when i was 22 mos. old) and for her to say anything must've meant it was quite bad.  i do know that i lost the capability to feel, recognize, and verbalize what i was feeling until just the past few years.  before that i went into all kinds of situations feeling only curiosity and confusion.

not having access to my feelings (it's called alexithymia, and it was someone on the forum who recognized it for me) meant a life without fear, pain, empathy or compassion (i couldn't relate to how others felt).  someone told me once that i had no compassion, and i hadn't a clue as to what that meant.  my t recently told me to have compassion for my little me, but quite honestly, i don't know exactly what that looks like.  i can feel sorry for myself, but i don't know if that's the same as compassion.  my D2 just told me last week that what my mex. H had said to me was insensitive (which set off all kinds of new triggers, and i'm not talking to him right now, but after she named that, i was able to get mad about it)/  except for her naming that, i would've never thought it or known that's what it was.  nuances escape me.

so, i'm struggling now, desperately.  i can count on one hand how many times i've gotten mad in my life before the age of 65, and those times were only because i'd tolerated so much abuse that the anger exploded out of me like a pressure cooker blowing sky high.  the only emotion i've felt on a regular basis was sadness.  and i'm very sad for what i'm going thru right now.

but throughout my life, confusion reigned, and love.  i know how to love, i feel love all the time, but as for the rest of it, i've been confused.  i floated thru most of my adult life, really not having any idea of what was going on around me.  a friend pointed this out to me once, that i was noticed for how i looked (in a good way) by everyone else, but that i hadn't a clue.  she was right - i never saw myself the way others have.  i just went where the wind took me, like a leaf moving on air currents from here to there to somewhere else.

lately, since i moved in w/ my D#2, who has been kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, and i've eliminated most everyone who has caused me stress in my life, the pain of what i've gone thru, just from this type of neglect and restriction, has made itself known.  i could feel hurt at what people did, but i didn't feel the pain until now, and it's overwhelming me at times.  i'm also scared of feeling more.

my t set an assignment for me to have a funeral for my family (i chose the fam i had w/ my ex and 2 D's) and as i was writing, i felt pain like i've never felt in my life.  it overwhelmed me to the point where i had to stop, move away from it, and come back to it at a later time.  no, emotional pain is brand new to me, and i believe it's been trapped in my body all these years - diagnosed as fibromyalgia.  i truly believe, tho, that all that muscle pain is a result of pushing it into me, absorbing it, instead of allowing it, feeling it, and crying it out.

my gut is balled up right now, and i know this is painful stuff, but i don't feel it like i believe it would be natural to feel.  i may be holding back because of the fear of feeling it now.  i'm not crying, either, so all those toxic tears are staying inside me, too.  i pushed myself to write this here today - honestly, i just want some quality of life, and the way i've been living is not that.  the choices i've made, the abuse i've taken, tolerated, absorbed throughout my life, partners and friends i've allowed, addictions - well, they numbed the pain, didn't they! - all of it is due to emotional neglect.  i'm hating my parents right now (at least that's a feeling).

Anniversaries / 5th anniversary of nc w/ my d
« on: January 22, 2020, 05:00:15 PM »
my heart can never heal from this.  i have no words.

Christmas & New Years / a new year on the horizon
« on: December 31, 2019, 04:38:45 PM »
i just want to congratulate all of us for making it to another year, no matter how much of a struggle it's been, no matter how messy or weak-feeling or out of sorts we've felt on the way to being here.  i know that such is not always the case, and my heart is sad for everyone suffering.

here's hoping that the new year brings some peace, calm, and strength to all of us, less ICr, and more self-love.  i love you all, respect your journeys, and admire the continuing determination you show.   :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / stuck stuck stuck
« on: November 05, 2019, 05:28:57 PM »
new journal.

i was so optimistic in my previous journal, that i was going beyond all this and was making so much progress.  instead, it feels like i've been thrown back into the ring, punching all the old nemeses i've been battling over and over. 

i called the possibly new t this morning, she called in, so i didn't get a chance to speak w/ her.  left a message, now have to play the waiting game.  this is taking too much out of me, i don't know what to do w/ it.  i'm not able to get a handle on any of this crapola anymore.  can't even enjoy fun tv shows for distraction.  i'm i don't know what anymore. :fallingbricks:

Checking Out / stepping away
« on: October 31, 2019, 09:45:40 AM »
as much as i need your support, and i'll be checking in for that, i just can't respond to anyone else right now.  i don't know how long this is going to take but i've collapsed.   :hug:

Frustrated? Set Backs? / they just keep ;coming
« on: October 30, 2019, 05:37:26 PM »
i have caved today.  the triggers, flashbacks just keep coming.  i can't get ahead of them for more than a day, when i'm hit afresh. 

 TW  **************************** TW  SI

2 mos. ago, hub $1 died.  i grieved, mourned, all sorts of feelings came up, i was overwhelmed.  this man left me when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, was verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our relationship.  he was moving in w/ another woman when i was living at a friend's house a month later. i nearly ended it a few days later, except my baby kicked, and i couldn't go thru w/ it knowing i would be killing her, too.  i moved back to live w/ my mother.

end TW

2 yrs. ago this same man who had shown me kindness and generosity, out of guilt i'm sure, for a few years before, was also integral in helping me get out of mexico because i was dying.  i wouldn't be here today except for him.  needless to say, my feelings about/for him were all over the place. 
gratitude, warmth, healing all took place on that road trip spanning more than 2 days.

a few days ago, ex hub #2 contacted my d to tell me that hub #1 had died, and there were lawyers who were trying to contact me, that there was money coming to me.  again, a number of feelings came up, including more warmth toward #1 and revulsion/gratitude toward #2.  my nc D also came up by association, and all the feelings around her.

during all this, my book was finished, and my d is editing it.  i knew there would be some issues, but she suggested several changes that i didn't expect.  this is a program that i'd created and presented many times in the past w/ nothing but praise for it, yet, i guess that transferring it from personal presentation to the written word is more difficult than i'd imagined.  she raised good points, but i felt blindsided for some reason. 

more feelings came up about not only that, but the fact that this book is finally finished after more than 25 yrs., something that my d is telling me (as she's reading thru it) that it's really good.  the triggers here came from ex hub #2, who, at the time, assured me he would edit it for me, pushed me off for months about getting started, then finally told me, when i confronted him, that he wouldn't do it after all, cuz he didn't want to have his name associated w/ something that was going to fail.

and now, i've been able to contact the d of hub #1, who told me that he'd told her that there are no lawyers involved, and that her dad had told her that i'd gotten half his pension in our divorce.  this was a shock to me as i'd not only not gotten any money from him, no alimony or child support as decreed by the judge, but that i remember nothing about pension money.  ex #2 was w/ me at the divorce proceedings, and he never mentioned it to me afterwards, either, so i believe it was never there.  as it is, i'd not received a penny of anything from him or his pension.

bringing this up now saw a glimmer of hope for my financial status, and i was able to contact his d who is executor of his estate!?? which is virtually non-existent.  however, she has found me to be someone who she could vent to (she and i have communicated ever so slightly in the past) about the lies of his current estranged wife, telling lies to and about her, which triggered me again re: the lies told to and about me by my nc D. 

this morning, his d wrote again, venting, but ended her email by saying she hopes he's in a better place with lots of sailing (he was an avid sailor) and lots of women.  blam!  lots of women was part of the reason our marriage didn't last, and i went into a tailspin, which i'm not dealing well with today. 

these blasts from the past are doing me in.  i just want all these people to go away!  leave me alone!  i can't turn around, do something pos. for myself that a trigger doesn't raise its ugly head and make something exciting and enjoyable for me turn to crapola.  and, due to my alexithymia, i can't put my finger on all the emotions i'm feeling, but i found myself simply weeping at tv shows last nite for no reason i could distinguish.

i looked for t's in my area, couldn't find any that dealt w/ trauma, so i'm hesitant to go to someone else - burned too many times on that front.

maybe i should've put this in the area of having an exceptionally difficult day, but i put it here.  this feels like major setbacks on so many fronts, and i'm having a hard time functioning.  i was hoping i could write it out here, get a little relief at getting it out of me.  a xanax day for sure, which is helping to take the edge off, but honestly, i feel like crapola.  can't get my feet under me, can't identify how i'm feeling, just want it all to go away and leave me alone.  tears are forming right now, and i don't know exactly why, cuz i can't feel a specific emotion, except maybe sad.  that seems so small, tho.

Birthday / i'm getting old
« on: October 06, 2019, 06:22:06 PM »
my birthday is tomorrow, the 7th, and i'll be 72, which is the inverse of the age of my spirit, 27.  suddenly, i'm feeling old as i wrestle w/ not being able to do as much as i want to do, as much as i used to do, and seeing a completely different face in the mirror.  that's been going on for a while, but it's still upsetting not to be able to recognize myself.  i guess this is one of the downer birthdays for me.  i think the last one was when i was 35 or so. 

i'm just sad.   :'(  as much as i've accomplished, when i look back at how clueless i was about myself, floating thru life, not really having opinions or concrete thoughts and realizations, things could've been so different.  i just hope i don't feel this same way next year.  i don't want the rest of my life to be 'what if's'.  i know i still have work to do here, and i'm doing it, and that's satisfying, but i just got into this melancholy.  i feel like this inverse birthday is significant, for some reason, but i don't know why. 

so, yeah.  don't quite know what this is all about.  maybe it's because i feel like it's a miracle i've lived this long, and that scares me.  maybe this should've been in my journal instead of here.   it's a confusing age - there are still things i do, i can't relate to all these white-haired people around me, i'd never fit in a senior center, but there are definite signs that remind me every day i'm no spring chicken anymore.  so, happy birthday to me.

Recovery Journals / ch. 6 - beyond the past
« on: July 15, 2019, 03:59:36 PM »
first, thank you, tee, for your continued support.  so very appreciated.  hope your vacation goes really well.   :hug:

just a note - new path here.  i realized i was beginning to repeat and repeat what went on in my past, and i'm now ready to accept what it was, how it was, what it did to me, how i responded, how i was, what i did, what i believed, what i denied, and i'm done.  it's time to let that go, i've worn it out, i've got new planets to discover, now universes to explore, and present-day symptoms to work on.  i don't want to stay what i was in many respects, but will also give myself credit for all i am, all i have accomplished, and for leading a wonderfully diverse and interesting life, that i'm not finished with yet.  here's to moving beyond the past into the present, enjoying who i am now, what i have now, my struggles and joys, and praying for the strength to keep finding new ways to rid myself of what was so that i can just be.  wow, that sounds incredible to me.  we'll see!  i have only been able to do this w/ your help, and i look forward to more of that as well.  yay, us!

Successes, Progress? / I am safe now
« on: June 23, 2019, 08:50:42 PM »
i've been doing an adulterated version of a new-ish therapeutic technique on myself lately, and the other day the words 'i am safe now' floated up into my consciousness.  this is the first time i can remember actually 'feeling' this safe-ness since i was about 2 yrs. old, being rocked to sleep by my dad.  i could feel it then (i have a lovely memory of that), and have never felt it since, until 2 days ago.

i've heard from therapists, and others, the phrase 'you're safe now', but it never touched me.  i've never felt it even tho i could logically understand what was being said.  still, 'safe', to me, means that i don't have to do everything myself, don't have to figure everything out all the time on my own, don't have to be hyper-vigilant because i'm the only one who will take care of and protect me.  i think it also meant to me that i'm not completely shackled by thoughts, feelings, and emotions that don't help me.

what i don't think i've realized before, either, was just how much fear i've been carrying around most all my life.  i didn't really feel it, couldn't access or acknowledge it, but i'm thinking it must have been there w/o my knowing it, as a constant companion.   wow - that's trippy to think of.

maybe now i can begin to unwind my tensed-up muscles and learn what it feels like to relax on a regular basis.  i don't know, but i'm thinking this may be a start.  it's a warm feeling way deep inside.

Therapy / Brainspotting
« on: June 13, 2019, 04:03:36 PM »
hi, all,

i've recently been hearing of a new modality for trauma treatment called Brainspotting.  from what i've read, it seems to be a gentle, non-intrusive means to help people pinpoint a traumatic experience w/o having to relive it in its original intensity, and release physical and emotional toxins and impact.  its premise is that trauma is stored not only in the brain, but in the body as well.

from what i could garner on the internet, i tried a version of it on myself, and did have some positive results (i usually use myself as a guinea pig w/ these kinds of things if possible).

it's supposed to be helpful for trauma, anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and somatic issues.  therapists can be trained in this, and i just read there are more than 8,000 t's who have gone thru the training in the U.S.  don't know if it's available in other countries.  has anyone else heard of this or tried it? 

love and hugs to you.

Christmas & New Years / merry christmas/season's greetings
« on: December 24, 2018, 01:29:43 PM »
to all of you here, i'm sending out the best of wishes for a wonderful holiday season, whether you celebrate or not.  i love you all.   :grouphug:   :grouphug:   :grouphug:

Other / happy st. nick's
« on: December 06, 2018, 07:49:08 PM »
i don't know how many of you celebrate st. nick's day, but it was celebrated in my foo, and i kept the tradition alive with my own girls.  it comes from several european countries, two from which my grandparents immigrated.  it's based on the belief that on dec. 5, children would put their shoes outside the door, and during the night st. nicholas would bring candy and fruits (usually) to fill their shoes.  in the morning, the children would discover their treats.

we used socks pinned to the sides of our beds when i was growing up, and i made stockings for my daughters to use.  in my hometown, there were a lot of families who originated from those european countries, so most all the children were able to share about what goodies st. nick left for them the night before.  it was a fun event.

to share this with all of you, i'm bringing oranges, apples, and those colorful red, white, and green hard christmas candies.  hope you all enjoy - it's for the child inside all of you.

Poetry & Creative Writing / Live
« on: November 22, 2018, 02:41:27 PM »

To move beyond the sore
   and soar
Is to live.

Turn the vile veil
   of evil
To the light,
And finally

Other / thanksgiving
« on: November 21, 2018, 03:15:59 PM »
i know thanksgiving has gotten a cloud over it in the states the past few years as the true story of what happened has been made known.  still, i enjoy the tradition of being thankful for the people and things that have helped me in my life.

this forum has been a biggie that i'm thankful for - all you lovely people, many of whom have become wonderful friends, showing me care and concern the likes of which i've rarely experienced in my life.

i'm also thankful for kizzie, who has done such a wonderful job here of keeping this place viable and safe for all of us.

i'm thankful for the people in my life who have helped me along the way - without them, i couldn't be where i am right now.

and, of course, i'm thankful for my dear daughter who is so very kind and patient with me, who really does take good care of me, and who has forgiven me for my part in what has gone down in her own childhood.  she has helped heal the wounds on so many levels.

on a personal note, i'm thankful for my mind.  quirks and all, i have achieved greatness on many levels during my life.  a personal greatness that allows me to know that above and beyond the neg., i can still see a lot of pos. both in myself and others.  i'm truly thankful for that.

thank you, everyone.

Poetry & Creative Writing / tame
« on: October 26, 2018, 09:41:58 AM »


all the same, tame

yet a spirit soars within

take it on the chin
my head begins to spin
there is no more room within

if i can just tend
to the glory of my story
until my free becomes my friend

tame will come to an end

and i will be me once again.

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