Topics

I was thinking today about how far I've come in my recovery from CPTSD, and remembered that this website was a huge part in my recovery journey. I wanted to share how I overcame my symptoms and changes that were helpful for me. I know there were so many people on here who had suggestions and kind words that helped me on my journey, and I hope my experience can help others.

I was raised by two NPD parents, who were also both drug addicts. I learned about NPD on here. I was also recommended The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists (MUST READ) and Will I Ever Be Good Enough? When I was previously active on this website, I was also in an abusive relationship with another NPD, and didn't realize it till after I left the relationship. All I knew was I was going crazy, and that my symptoms were being exacerbated.

I learned that it was their life or my life, and I left. Many days I spent lying in bed crying grieving my feelings of loneliness and feeling lost. I had little support, but knew that eventually if I worked on myself things would get better. I also went NC with my NPD mother. I'm sure she still sends me her daily drunken e-mails and texts, but she's blocked. I also realized many of my friends were also NPD, and had to slowly let those relationships go.

I spent much of the past year swimming through the waves of depression, grief, anxiety, and the countless triggers of PTSD. I stopped self-medicating. I started going to a Buddhist temple, started meditating daily, I saw a therapist who specialized in co-dependency and NPD, I returned to my love of yoga, and found new friends. I also attended some CoDA meetings and met other people who were recovering.

A year later, I have the occasional flashback or night terror, but the waves of CPTSD no longer drown me. When I struggle, I have people who I can reach out to, and my dissociation lasts 5 minutes instead of 5 hours, days or months. I am able to sleep at night and avoid panic without having to smoke. I can feel depressed and notice that it is part of healing, and that it is a normal emotion that everyone experiences.

I also was able to meet a new partner who also had NPD parents, and is in their own path of recovery. My new partner and best friend always allows me to feel seen, heard, and is empathetic about my past and my own recovery.

Although I'm still on my recovery journey, I no longer meet the criteria for CPTSD (my therapist and I have been pretty excited about this). However, I am still a co-dependent person who struggles. It takes one small step at a time to learn to take care of yourself. I just want to everyone out there who suffers to know that there is hope and healing when you put yourself first.

Hope the OOTF family is doing well! I'm working two jobs right now so I don't know how often I'll be back on here. Sending hugs and peace.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has been clinically shown to have short term and long term success (as opposed to CBT, which doesn't have the same long term success).

It's an open source therapy, so anyone can look on their website: http://contextualscience.org/act

I'm reading "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life." The book is pretty incredible and looks at problems completely different than any other approach I've read about.

ACT is based on Relational Frame Theory (RFT). RFT recognizes that the way humans think and feel make us completely different than other species, and has lead to our advancement above other animals. However, these same psychological tools that help us problem-solve and survive cause all of our suffering because we try to look at our uncomfortable thoughts and feelings as something to be solved. You definitely have to take a leap of faith reading the book, but I have found it insanely helpful and had many moments of realization (especially in regards to coping mechanisms). Don't know if many others have read about it or done any work, but it works from stress to anxiety, to depression, to substance abuse, trauma, etc. It's very versatile for dealing with many different problems.

I have been thinking about this for months. Maybe even years. I go through periods where I'm happy, in love, and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this person; then I think, what the * am I doing with this person? In the past, I think that when these negative feelings came up, I felt guilty about them and then tried to be overly loving. How could I think this way about my bf? He does so many great things for me.

Lately though, I feel like I'm growing out of him. I think I have been for years. I'm trying to become an emotionally healthy, positive, and happy individual. Bf went out of town for work for 4 days, and they were great. The house was clean. I was happy to be alone and do things at my leisure. I spent time with friends. I had a good routine. I didn't really miss him all that much. In fact when he came back I felt some dread. Within 24 hours the house was a mess, and everything just felt overwhelming.

There are superficial things I'm irritated by, the cleaning, the way he uses the living room as his changing room, his ADD behaviors. Forgetting things, losing things, etc. I feel like I always say to myself, "I understand this is something he struggles with, and it's not a huge deal, just irritating to me." I know that I can only control my behavior and actions when it comes to things that irritate me.  I have in the past expressed these irritations so he is aware. I feel like I try to be a good partner.

There are a lot of deep things that bother me and I feel I am starting to accept them. That I deserve better. He always interrupts me when I'm talking because he thinks he knows what I'm going to say. Lately when he starts doing this I literally yell, "CAN I PLEASE JUST FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING?"

When I try to talk to connect with him, even if it is silly like about my day, he seems irritated. He starts looking at his computer, gives eye rolls, seems generally disinterested in what I'm saying. He did this this morning while I was explaining why I didn't have to work today. I noticed his irritation and I said, "Are you okay?" To which he responded, "I'm trying to figure out why this is important." To which I said, "Fine, then I'll stop." I seriously felt like having a crying break down and telling him to leave. Whenever I try to talk about anything that interests me, something I'm struggling with, or pretty much anything he's not interested in discussing he acts this way. I used to think it was me. That I was just an annoying person, but now I see it's him. It's not me. I have plenty of other friends who like the way I am. I can't control his behavior or reactions to me. Whenever he talks about stupid * I don't care about, I actively listen and at least pretend to be interested, because , I don't know, that's what you do for someone you love? You notice that they feel the need to connect with you and want to talk, so you listen. Or maybe as my IC has previously tried to convince me, I'm an idiot.

I feel I cannot be my authentic self in my relationship. I've been avoiding him. I met a couple girls offline who are interested in yoga/meditation and we have been practicing together. I've been going to yoga, meditating daily, and started going to Buddhist services at a local temple. I started going to a yoga class. I'm studying for a test I have to take and nailing my studying. I feel so good about every area of my life except for my relationship. I feel like I've worked really hard to stop being afraid and am starting to make positive changes--no matter how scary they are. Because no matter how much anxiety I have about meeting new people, or looking stupid at yoga, or fear that the people at temple will not think I'm as serious---I'm not letting it get in the way of doing what I enjoy and loving myself. Other than my relationship, I can't remember the last time I felt so good and positive about my choices.

I'm sure it seems obvious and clear where I stand on this break up. We've been together almost 9 years. I'm terrified to break up. I'm terrified of his response. I'm terrified of what to say, because I feel like the reason why I am unhappy is because he just doesn't like or respect me. It makes me think of every time he looks at me and says, "You know I love you, right?" I don't. I've never allowed myself to feel that because I think he loves the idea of me--not me. I'm afraid about breaking our lease. I'm afraid about where I'm going to live. I'm afraid of all the big changes. It's really scary. What if I regret my decision? What if I can't meet anyone else I like?

I feel like at this point I'm just ranting. I know other people on here have posted about their thoughts on breaking up with their partner. This feels so weird because I feel like my boyfriend saved me from my abusive family. We started dating when I was 18 (I'm now 26). I don't know what my life is without anyone. I'm excited to be single and really get to know myself, but I'm scared.

I posted this on OOTF also, but know you guys are loving and supportive and also could provide some advice/guidance.

I just found out from my Dad (my step-Dad, but really more my father, and only real parent) and uNPDM are getting divorced. My Dad said he wanted my Mom to tell me, but they are going to mediation soon and he felt that she was being selfish by not telling any of her children.

My Dad and I are very close. We always have been. Even when he was just a family friend, whenever there was chaos, drama, or I was scared I always asked him for help. When my parents got married, he made the wedding about us being a family, and not him marrying my Mom. He came in, stepped up to the plate, and really hit a grand slam. He was my "good enough" parent. I was really blessed to have him come into our lives.

As a typical narc, my Mom has always been incredibly jealous of our relationship. My Mom has implied to us both that she thinks we have a sexual relationship. First, we don't. That's sick. Secondly, she would think this of her daughter? Of her husband? My Mom was such a master manipulator, my Dad never saw the abuse. He didn't always believe me when I was still living in their home as a child, but when I moved out and he became the target of her abuse he not only believed me, but felt incredibly guilty about not believing me. He is the only person in my family who has wanted me to educate him on CPTSD and my healing process so he can help me become the person I strive to be.

For years he has been dealing with emotional and physical abuse. I've told him for years to get divorced because he deserved to be happy, healthy, and treated with respect. He tried to get my Mom to go to counseling with him. He really tried. He said when he filed the divorce papers my Mom didn't even try to fight him. Not surprising. She's getting money for a lawyer from some other man that she will probably make her new target. She also hasn't told my siblings, which I find incredibly unfair... but I don't want to tell them because I don't want to get involved in the upcoming whirlwind of chaos.

I'm afraid. My Dad will always be my Dad. I will never not have a relationship with him. I'm afraid that my Mom is going to start taking her abuse out on me again. I live far enough away right now, but this man friend of hers lives only about 10 minutes away from me. I'm going to start going LC now because she doesn't know that I know about the divorce. My boyfriend said he's not going to let her do anything. He's always been extremely supportive and always stands up to my Mom and calls her out on her abuse.

I'm also afraid that this is going to effect my relationship with my siblings. My master manipulator Mom (new acronym? MMM) will probably turn them against me since I am going to continue to have a relationship with my Dad. She has already convinced them that he abuses her (oh, projection...) and that he is selfish and has never kept any of his promises in their marriage. Last time extreme drama happened my Mom convinced my siblings not to talk to me for months. It was heartbreaking. I don't understand how they can't see how sick she truly is. They enable her behavior.

It's weird being an adult and in this situation. My biological Dad and Mom got divorced when I was 5. I was definitely parentalized and cared for my younger sister mostly. I'm sure this situation is triggering the 5-year-old me. This was the time I started having panic attacks. It feels like I'm in a boat on the ocean waiting for a storm that I know is coming. I don't know how to prepare for it.

I don't know if anyone has had any experience with a similar situation. If anyone has advice I would surely take it. It feels like a confusing and unpredictable time. I want to make sure that I continue to put my health first. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

They have links to clinicians who focus on complex PTSD. http://www.istss.org/

Has anyone had trouble finding therapists who specialize in CPSTD? The therapist who diagnosed me with it showed her true colors and appeared to have NPD, so I can't see her anymore. I'm finding it incredibly difficult and frustrating to not find the help.

http://www.medicinegarden.com/2011/02/20/high-cortisol-part-3/

This is the last part of the article with the doctor, testing, and supplemental treatments. However, if you start at the first page they will go through all the other symptoms that high cortisol levels cause.

Here's the interview: https://hereandnow.wbur.org/2015/01/12/treating-trauma-yoga

Apparently yoga is a very successful treatment for PTSD! I did yoga for 5 years then stopped. Now regretting that decision.

And here's a website with TONS of free yoga videos at all levels, lengths, etc.

http://www.doyogawithme.com/

http://www.whatcanyoudocampaign.org

I saw an advertisement for this organization on TV. They actually talked about PTSD. Thought it was nice that someone does consider it a disability, but also that people are NOT just their disability.

Little crazy with the holidays! I will also be taking an exam for my job in a few months so I will be studying. I'll be here on and off. Just wanted to say something incase I get busy

I felt it would be a good thing for me to express anger at an old T I had who originally diagnosed me with CPTSD. Things ended badly. This felt like a safe place to express my anger. Please excuse my colorful language. I don't know if I'll send this or not. I want to, but I have anxiety about doing so also. I almost feel like this could be practice for writing a letter to my uNPD (possibly undiagnosed CPTSD) Mom. I have been wanting to get mad at her so much lately, but I don't feel like I'm ready to say anything to her yet.

-----------------------------------------------------------------


T,

   Over the past few years, I have wanted to write you angry emails about how I felt betrayed by you.  I never did because I didn't want to open a door I had closed.

   During some of our last sessions together, it had to do with my relationship with my partner, and I didn't want to talk about it or explore it. Yet, it was something you were pushing me to explore. I felt tired of saying (in whatever way I did at the time, from my memory) that I didn't want to talk about it, and wanted a break from it. So, I thought the best thing for me to do was leave therapy for a while and cool off.

   However, I felt lambasted about my actions from you. I received countless voicemails and emails about our next session. At the time, I felt completely victimized. I was like, "Is my therapist a complete psycho? This is my time and she is supposed to be my ally, not my mother." I really did feel like I was trapped. I felt like you were being my Mom. Like, not matter how much I told you, "Leave me alone," you didn't and weren't planning on it.

   I don't know if this is how you wanted me to feel. I don't know if you wanted me to get angry with you. I think back to that time in your office when you were trying to get me to yell, "* you," and I just couldn't. I really couldn't. I really just wasn't ready.  At the same time, I felt I couldn't stand up to you or challenge you. I did feel domineered in our relationship. I felt like between you, my partner, and my Mom that I was trapped by people who just wanted to control me. Everyone just wanted me to live my life on their terms and not mine.

   I really felt betrayed by you. I still do. I think to myself, "Yes, I understand that point in my life where I was at and I probably needed to be angry, but I wasn't ready. Why was someone trying to force me through the grief process?" I mean, being able to be angry is part of grief and in therapy I understand the importance of it, but I wasn't ready. I didn't feel like you really understood me. I don't know if there was some weird countertransference going on or what. I don't know if I triggered something in you. It really just didn't feel right.

   I just couldn't believe after that our relationship was healthy or therapeutic in any way. I thought, maybe she wants to help me, and just can't. Maybe she thinks she's helping, but she's not. Does she really understand trauma? If she did, why would she be treating me this way?

   I thought maybe I had got what I needed from you, an answer, a diagnosis. Did you know that when you told me you thought I experienced trauma that totally changed my life? At the time I felt like, "Duh, my Mom's a completely psychopath." Since I stopped therapy, I have read tons about CPTSD. Reading about CPTSD and connecting with others in an online support group has completely changed my life. I don't know where I'd be today without that simple validation of a trauma diagnosis. Or, I guess I would be on all sorts of mood stabilizers with a diagnosis of rapid cycling bi-polar from the therapist a saw after you. I would be labeled just as crazy as I really thought I was, or as my Mom wanted me to think I was. The therapy world can be very ineffective and problematic for survivors.

   The reason why I decided to write you this e-mail now is because I'm finally ready to practice "angering." I have developed some wonderful and amazing friendships, and have at least one friend I can go to about anything. I have people in my life who really accept me and love me for who I am. I have friendships where I never experience shame. I am in safe place to be angry.

   I have also wanted to ask you many questions. What the * were we doing when I was in therapy? What were you thinking? What were you trying to get me to do? What did you think I needed? Why didn't you provide me any psychoeducation on trauma? Do you even understand how to treat it, or were you just getting supervision? Was I some sort of practice? Did you think you were helping me? How come you were acting as my therapist (in an authoritative sense) and not my ally? 

   I have read lots about all the "wonderful" 12-step therapy programs (CBT, DBT, ACT, and other therapies insurance will pay for) for the treatment of just about everything from trauma to depression to personality disorders. It doesn't make any sense. I don't care what studies have been done, all that * has caused some sort of short-term awareness, but hasn't helped in the long term. Every talk therapist I've been to just thinks that I'm a wackadoodle who refuses to take medication for everything from anxiety, to depression, to bi-polar disorder. I mean, these are all misdiagnosed as trauma quite frequently.

   I see now why it was important for me to be angry. I wish I had had the courage to ask you what the * was going on. What the * we were doing. I wish I had felt the safety to ask those questions then instead of now.

   Before writing this, I would think, "What do I want to get out of sending this to T?" It was a hard question to ask. Did I want to open up communication with you again potentially? Yes and no. I know how much fear rules my life, and I feel like I have the right to break that fear and tell others how I have felt wronged by them. I mean, that's what a healthy adult would do: start a conversation (at least in my fantasy world of well adjusted adults). Or at least attempt to get some answers.

Sincerely,

Alovelycreature.

I think I'm having more issues with this than the inner critic! Although I would say that it fluctuates between both.  Anyone else? Noticing how much it causes my social anxiety

http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/ShrinkingOuterCritic.pdf

Rain and I were discussing starting a collage to see the positive things about ourselves. We thought it might be fun to see what others come up with. Do some "art healing."

How to start:
-This can be done on a piece of paper, cardboard, whatever you have laying around
-college magazines, newspapers, pictures you like, words that inspire you. You can really use anything
-use either tape or glue to design your collage

What are your thoughts about making this collage?
Was it difficult thinking of positive qualities?
What are positive things you recognized in yourself?
What inspired you about this project? How did you feel afterward?

I have been reading Walker's book, and had a realization.

I am always beating myself up about not making artwork. I went to art school, and now I have a "real" job and with adult responsibilities I don't have a lot of time to work on my art, or can't afford it. I always feel like I'm making up excuses. I think this is because I am afraid that my artwork will be bad.

I had some success in the art world. This success was the only time I think I felt that I was truly accepted for who I am. That I felt broken, and that was okay. That terrible things happened and they changed who I am, and others found beauty and curiosity. It was the only time I really didn't feel judged, or put down. Even though at this time, my M was telling my family if they liked my artwork they must be incestuous (there are a lot of nudes of myself in my work). It was like her poison words couldn't touch all the compassion I was receiving from others.

I think I haven't been making artwork because I fear rejection. I fear that the attention I might not get stops me. I feel like this sounds a bit narcissistic. I know I have thought this before and have thought, "You should just be doing this for yourself, not others." However, I realized I wanted this attention because I want someone to just nonjudgmentally accept me for who I am.

I think this has also stopped me from seeing people who are close to me do accept me for who I am. I think: "hey can't really like me. They have just known me for so long that they feel they have to be my partner/friend/whatever." I didn't realize how fear of rejection is really running my life and I'm the co-pilot just letting things run on auto control.

I'm sure I'll learn more in the Walker book, but anyone have any suggestions on working through this? Or their experience with it?

*excuse my curse words*

Whenever I feel attacked I go into panic mode.

My heart starts to beat so loud in my chest that I can physically feel it. I start feeling shake in my chest and arms, and legs. I start to feel nauseous. I am in fear mode. I'm trying to deeply breath right now.

When I don't feel validated. When my feelings or opinions aren't validated, I go into panic mode. It's like questioning my reality. Its my reality real? Am I making it up? Am I crazy?

Panic.

I feel vulnerable. It's not being believed again. It's just another need ignored. It's just something that is going to happen over and over again. And it is going to happen over and over again. People are *.

Breath. Breath. Breath.

Shame. It's like when someone doesn't believe you, you feel shame. "I'm wrong." Not only am, "I'm wrong," but I better never speak again or tell the truth because that fear and shame are just waiting on the other side to attack.

Remember, people are *. People are broken. There are people who want to make others feel bad. Other's that want you to feel as bad as they feel. Don't let them control your feelings. They win when they control your feelings.

Breath. Deep breaths. Breath. Breath.

My chest aches. My shoulders ache. Breathing deeply.

I was talking with a friend yesterday, and realized we both have EF triggers when our feelings/experience are validated. For example, someone calling you a liar when you are telling the truth.

I was wondering if other's have experienced this? What are some ways you've grounded yourself in these experiences? It seems like that can happen anywhere at anytime. At work, in a relationship, really just anywhere.

I have been trying to figure out what is triggering my EFs in certain situations. For some reason when when I hear running bath water I go into panic mode. I have no idea why. It seems so strange and I can't figure out why. I feel I get so high strung that I have trouble checking in with myself.

Also when I am at home alone, whether night or day, I find myself getting superstitious. I always have this irrational fear that there is someone in my house. I can't figure out what is triggering this. I know it is a general feeling of being unsafe. I try to reality check myself, but find myself being superstitious. "What if there is something there and now I'm ignoring it?" Usually when my partner is home I feel safer, but he is going out of town a few times next month and I'm worried about being able to sleep.

On another thread I learned that someone else was having EFs in their home and they felt it was because they never felt safe at home. I don't know if that is what is happening. Or if my home life was so chaotic that I'm always waiting for a surprise attack. I'm wondering if anyone else has struggled with this or has any insight. 

To preface my letter, I want to read this to my partner. I am afraid of sharing it with him. First because I don't like asking for help. Ever. I've very much adopted the attitude that I can do everything on my own without help. Secondly, because I think he may be uCPTSD. He very much hates psychiatry due to a traumatic experience growing up (his Mom and grandmother were abusive and he was diagnosed with ADD). I feel that he was misdiagnosed, and that this diagnosis ruled most of his life. He spent much of his life thinking this destroyed many opportunities for him and developed a drinking problem. He's been clean for 10+ years now though. I'm worried that this letter might give him EFs he's not aware of. Ok here it is! 

--------------------
Partner,

I know that I am a handful. I really want this relationship to work, but in order for it to work I think we need to both practice being more vulnerable with each other. I have noticed when either of us feel vulnerable, we tend to lash out. Whether it be at ourselves, each other, others, whatever. Although I have noticed this. I want to use this opportunity to talk about my part of our relationship specifically.

I am tired of my breakdowns and lashing out. It harms me and others around me. I have been on a CPTSD support forum talking to others about my experience, my symptoms, and asking for help. I'm finding this incredibly helpful for understanding myself. I am learning so much from other people who have not only experienced what I have experienced, but are at different parts of their journey so I learn things that help them.

I'm learning that I can't do this alone—managing and coping with my CPTSD. I am proud of myself for how far I've come. I'm able to sleep. I think I've only had one panic attack in the past couple years. My nightmares are less, and my dreams are different. I go longer and longer periods without picking my scabs. I find one kind thing to do for myself every day. When I feel like s***, lonely, or isolated, I get out of the house (some of the time, I never used to). I'm practicing slowing down and being more mindful. I've gotten back into yoga. However, my emotional flashbacks still seem to be just as strong as ever.

All of these things I've overcome regard me managing myself. The other part of my journey I need to focus on is relationships with others. I know I've told you I feel like I'm very unfair to you when I have breakdowns, or when I blow up at you about stupid things like the dishes. I know you don't regard yourself as innocent, and take responsibility when it's due. And sometimes you take responsibility when it's not due to make me feel like I'm not crazy. That's not good for us.

I want to propose something that I think might be very difficult for both of us, but I'm hoping it will make our relationship better. I need you to partner with me on this so I can stop being fearful in my relationships. I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, so I really can't think of a better person to ask for this kind of help. I hope not only that it helps me, but it might make our relationship stronger.

1.) I want to be able to tell you when I'm feeling vulnerable. This means I want to tell you when I'm scared, no matter what it is. I sometimes wonder if I say my fears aloud to someone else if they would go away or make them less intense. I know that might require hearing things that are incredibly bizarre or silly. However, I feel many of my anxieties and fears are bizarre and silly. I know they might not go away even after expressing them, but I'm learning sharing stories is important to healing.

2.) Whenever I have thought about why I flip out around my period, I usually think it's because of my CPTSD and a combination of something that is bothering me. I think because you are so immediate, I think my sadness, irritation, etc. has to do with our relationship. However, when I started learning about PMDD, doors opened.

I'm starting to think it's a combination of different things, but mostly my feelings of being vulnerable. Whether it's my unhealthy mindset of perfectionism, societal pressures, or bad values I learned or developed. I feel vulnerable all the time. We all do. I'm not special in this regard. However, my fear of vulnerability runs my life. The inability to accept myself and really plainly "what is" is makings me depressed, anxious, and just plain unhappy. This has been seen in my breakdowns about my artwork, my job, my friends, the cleanliness of the house, my relationship with you, and pretty much every aspect of my life.

Most of the month I can manage this and work hard to try and self sooth or work on other parts of myself. It seems easier to notice, accept, and let go. However, when I am PMSing I naturally feel depressed, anxious, exhausted, irritable because of my hormones. When I can't self sooth the demons away I explode. I've only recently noticed this about myself. I think when I feel this vulnerable my whole world crashes down around me. My strive for perfection makes me feel like a failure. If I'm not perfect who's going to love me? If I'm not perfect who's going to like me? If I'm not perfect, I certainly cannot like me. If I'm not perfect people at work are going to notice. If I'm not perfect I can't be a good friend or partner. I'm not making artwork so I'm a failure. During PMS I can't pull myself out of the rut. I have emotional flashbacks and can't self sooth. I hope this is making sense to you. If not please understand how important this realization is for me. I'm sure I'll discover better ways to describe it.

When I feel horrible and like s*** from PMS. I wish the house were clean. Not only does the house being clean make me feel relaxed, but my PMS symptoms make me so exhausted that I don't have the energy to do it. The house gets dirtier and dirtier and it just makes me anxious knowing I'm going to have to clean up more and more and I'm falling further and further behind. I get completely overwhelmed.

I feel so terrible and exhausted that I want someone to do nice things for me like make me dinner. I'm not asking you to make dinner every night for two weeks. I just feel too exhausted to make healthy food and it makes me feel even worse to eat crap.

I'm hoping if we can make small changes, I can step back and more clearly look at my feelings, emotions, and emotional flashbacks and start to lessen their power or let them go. Since I track my cycle and keep a mood log, I thought when my hormones start dropping I can say something to you so you are aware. I would like if maybe we can clean the house together when I'm feeling * so it doesn't seem so overwhelming. Or as I said before, at least tell you how vulnerable it makes me feel. I also think getting prepackaged meals or a rotisserie chicken that week from the store will make things seem easier. Or maybe we can cook dinner together. I'm sure there are many possibilities and I'm open to them.

3.) I want you to better understand what I'm going through. I have a hard time explaining it because it is so complex. It honestly feels surreal to me. It is my truth and reality—my good qualities and my flaws. I don't really feel connected with who I am sometimes. I think sometimes it is hard for you to understand my experience because you have had similar painful experiences that have not effected you in the same way they have effected me. That's okay. We are different people. Us being different has been good for me. I learn from you as I hope you learn from me. As I have said though, being able to share my experience and tell my story is what is going to be part of my healing.

I've noticed about myself that I tend to be too open. I've also noticed my need to express my vulnerability has made me someone who just talks incessantly in hopes of connection with someone else. I want to be more mindful in my speech, but I don't want to be told what I should express or not express. This is something I want to find out with my own mindfulness practice. I just want you to know I am aware of this. The reason I am aware of this is because of you and others around me.

It would mean a great deal to me if you would take the time to learn more about CPTSD. It is incredibly different from the standard PTSD diagnosis. CPTSD is a lot of poorly developed coping mechanisms from childhood stress, neglect, abuse, or trauma. CPTSD treatment is not treated with drugs, but with noticing, accepting, and transforming these poor coping techniques and developing self-awareness. That's why a lot of treatment involves meditation/mindfulness. Simply noticing, accepting, and asking questions does much of the work.

This is really hard. For myself or anyone. Especially with my perfectionist tendencies to divide and conquer my poor qualities, which only leads me to feelings of inadequacy. How come I can't do this? What's wrong with me? Can you see the cycle? In trauma work the perfectionist is called the "inner critic." We all have them. Some people are just more mindful of it and give it less power.

I think the most important thing for you to understand is that this is never going to go away. I will have CPTSD for my entire life. I spent years living with it as silent victim. I spent years being angry about it. I really had to grieve that this is like a chronic illness. Even though this is something that is chronic, it doesn't mean I'm incapable of change. Earlier I mentioned all the obstacles I've overcome. I'm still overcoming obstacles, and new obstacles will appear with each part of my life. As an ongoing thread, everyone experiences this and I am not special, but the symptoms I suffer are different than those who do not have CPTSD. It is the blessing and curse of diagnosis. To me, when I was diagnosed I was relieved to know I wasn't "crazy." That my symptoms were not my fault. That my symptoms were my poor coping mechanisms from traumatic circumstances and never being taught emotional regulation.

I know that understanding the root of symptoms has helped me change. I think if you understand the symptoms and the root of them, not only will you better understand me but you will better react to me in times when I am feeling vulnerable. Instead of, "ALovelyCreature is just flipping about the dishes and how incompetent I am regarding chores," I want you to see, "ALovelyCreature is feeling vulnerable," and potentially, "ALovelyCreature is feeling vulnerable. This is a symptom. It has nothing to do with who I am. However, I can help her by validating her feelings and asking how I can help her." When I see your "inner critic" come out during these fights it causes me to feel suicidal. "I am such a horrible person and partner that I'm causing Partner to hate himself and feel like he isn't good enough. I would be better off dead than making people feel this way." I'm not good enough and I'm not perfect occupies much of my self talk to the point of destruction.

I'm hoping that I can start saying, "I am feeling vulnerable. I feel horrible, the house is a mess, and it is making me anxious."

I don't expect this to happen over night. I don't expect to do everything at once. I'm hoping that this is just opening the door to a conversation and a change. Writing this and the thought of sharing it makes me feel vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable is okay with the right person. I want to know if this person is you.

Love always,

ALovelyCreature

So I'm reading Dr. Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. It's fantastic. She has been a huge insight into my CPTSD and I wanted to share one of her videos. She has tons of info online, however the book definitely goes into much more detail.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXSjc-pbXk4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

I've been tracking my moods for the past few months because I've noticed around my menstrual period I've been having severe depression and anxiety. I have been reading about PMDD and have tried every natural thing under the sun. I've tried vitamins, diet changes, staying active, yoga, meditating, everything. I can't handle it anymore and feel like I'm going crazy.

I reached out to my old t and asked if she thought I should go to my PCP (who I largely dislike) or my OBGYN. She suggested I see a psychiatrist and gave me a referral. She's the only t who really respected the fact I didn't want to take any medication while I was in therapy, and really let me guide the way for treatment. I was expecting this response from her, but I'm so scared.

I'm scared because I feel like I have no control over my emotions or my body. That's terrifying to begin with. I'm afraid of taking medication. In the past I tried taking Celexa and Prozac. Both made me feel like sh*t. They gave me sexual dysfunction. I felt when I was taking the anti-depressants that I was just "blah" all the time. Very apathetic. That was about 6 years ago now though, and I don't know if my body has changed.

How have people in the past talked to their doctors about this stuff? I want to bring in my mood tracker. I have a family hx of bi-polar disorder and I'm afraid that may come up.

Like I said before, my biggest fear is just feeling like no matter what I do, I don't have control over myself. No matter what I do I can't make myself feel better when I am out of control depressed/anxious. I don't know if anyone else has felt this way about potentially starting medication. I know I'm living in the future and making myself anxious about this. I feel like I'm having to grieve my efforts, and try something scary and new at the same time.

I see a lot of people on here like reading. Does anyone have any books that have helped them on their journey? I thought it would be fun to share/talk about.

Here are some of mine:
The Glass Castle
Stitches (graphic novel)
The Tricky Part