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Finally feeling like I am in the space to begin a journal. For the longest of times, I didn't want to journal. It felt that it was making it too real.

I may come back and delete this all at some point. Not out of fear but for catharsis. Like writing words down and then burning them to let them go.

It feels strange to try to go back and reconstruct everything from the beginning. So I'll begin in the middle and let chronology work its own way out.

This article does not call out cptsd but is right on the money in many ways.


Sarah, 27, who is about to finish graduate school with a PhD in engineering, hates to call her mother...and does so, dutifully, and with dread, every week. Saturday mornings come with a call that her father always picks up. "Hi Dad, how are you?" She's not close with her father, who has never seemed that interested in her. "Well," he says, "Retirement is better than not. Doing some golf. Things are going ok," this being a version of what he always says before, "Oh, here's your mother. Be well." She wishes him well as her stomach knots and her mother gets on the phone. "Hi, honey." "Hi, Mom, how are you?" "Well, you know, it's not easy getting older and your father is watching too much TV, and your brother never calls. I just can't believe how he can treat his mother that way. His mother! I'm glad you're such a good daughter..." Sarah goes silent as her mother complains and gossips about her life, until Sarah, after an hour of little speaking (and not being asked about herself), reaches that dreadful moment: "Mom, I have to get going," and then the silence, the pause, and the, "Oh, really? So soon?" Sigh. "Well, I guess you have your own life." This plays out each week, and the few times when Sarah couldn't call were met with the basic message of, "What, are you like your brother, selfish and cruel?" And the other time or two when Sarah has challenged her mother to be more positive, or to recognize her own needs, have been met with, "You need to just listen to me and stop being so selfish, critical and judgmental!" Feeling no win is possible, Sarah has sunk into resignation.

Human relations are, to say the least, complex, and one dimension that often is submerged under the more obvious features (e.g., typical arguments, desires, boundaries) is that of "energy." We usually think of energy in terms of physical systems: gas in our car, electricity for our appliances, food for our bodies. But there is also the energy of human relations: does someone induce stress in us by being abrasive? Does a loved one give us a hug or a criticism? Do we feel unsafe with a certain person, and not with another? Does a certain belief system, as enacted in a group, support love and growth, or fear and frozenness? All of these have energy aspects and consequences, which, if we ignore or miss them, can have dire consequences, especially when it comes to depression (see the last two articles: here and here).

So in this article I'll focus not on the healthy version of energy relations among humans-where there's a give and take, a mutuality, and respect of and for each others life energy, and a basic trust that there's enough energy to go around-but on the much more problematic way in which energy can be taken, or stolen, from each other. Two primary ways in which individuals and groups do this is through manipulating guilt and shame.

Shame and Guilt

As short definitions:  shame is that experience of "I am bad" that tells us we are on the margin of what is acceptable to our tribe (here is a past article on shame). Guilt is that experience that "I've done bad," that tells us that we have broken codes (ours/our groups').

Basically, every emotion and emotional state are there to tell us something, and orient us to something. Sadness lets us know we feel we've lost something; anger tells us we are registering our boundary being violated. So too with guilt and shame: they serve to signal us about when we are out of alignment with our group, and to repair relations. Given that we "grew up" as a species in small hominid bands, we had to be tightly wired to each other to survive, both outside threats and intra-tribal conflicts. How our tribe saw us, what they thought of us, and our relative status (determined by the mores of the group) was literally a survival issue. Get tossed out of your tribe for bad behavior and you had hostile tribes and predators to get snapped up by.

However, emotions, as with all communications systems, can break, can go haywire and send too many, or the wrong, messages. And they can be hijacked by others who want to manipulate us towards their own ends. There's nothing wrong with guilt and shame per se, since they give us valuable information about something very important: how am I misaligned with my group, and what do I need to do to repair those relations (restoring safety)? But their problem is that they are very hard to hold as neutral information, because their power in aligning us with our group is in their ability to reach in to our sense of self, our identity, and scorch it. I analogize shame to one of those electric dog collars: when we get too close to the perimeter of what's acceptable, we get shocked (our self is threatened with "badness" and abandonment), and thus we learn to not go there.

Healthy and Toxic Shame and Guilt

That powerful access of shame and guilt to our core sense of self is what makes it such a powerful sculptor of behavior, both for the positive and the negative, for social cohesion and self-growth, as well as for exploitation and predation.

For instance, if guilt is authentic, meaning that the rules we are breaking are actually our own, our core ethics, then to feel guilty is to actually tell us we're out of alignment with our own integrity. Which is pretty useful to know (similar to a chiropractic problem, when we are not aligned with our core, it throws our whole system off). Or with shame, as the philosopher Ken Wilber points out, if we don't have it early in our development (regardless of our age), then we don't have the information we need to be a functioning member of our group, knowing the rules and able to integrate, and can get stuck at a "pre-moral" stage of development. Which is miserable for everyone involved.

However, these same useful (if painful) mechanisms can be turned against us by others who know (usually unconsciously) how to exploit them, and serve to drain off our own energy for their use. Guilt can be, then, inauthentic, like a computer virus, which hijacks our own circuitry for its purposes. Or shame becomes triggered not when we are doing something inherently anti-social, but rather when we are doing something that runs against the particular needs of an individual/group/family to have us hew to its rules, in order to have us accessible as an energy resource. In other words, the shame is not signaling that our behavior is anti-social (against social connectedness and cohesiveness), but rather is a chain that's being yanked to keep us in line with another's needs.

Sarah and Mom:  A Case of Energy Theft

Take the vignette with Sarah-how is this "energy theft" happening? Well, Sarah, as evidenced by her dread in calling each week, does not get much out of the calls to her mother. Her mother, on the other hand, gets to monopolize her attention (attention is a form of energy for our nervous systems), and download her complaints and discontents into Sarah, which frees up energy, like offloading heavy packages to someone else. Which is not a problem per se, except that it has not been negotiated on the basis of respect for Sarah's energy (which would sound like, "Sarah, do you mind if I vent for a while?" and then Sarah gets accepted whether she says yes or no). I.e., it's not consensual. Instead, the access to Sarah's attention and energy is maintained by threats to her sense of self. Basically, Mom has learned to hold a dart gun to Sarah's self, filled with the toxic versions of shame and guilt; if Sarah moves in a way that Mom doesn't like-meaning that makes Sarah less available as a source of energy-then Mom pulls the trigger, leaving Sarah writhing in guilt and shame.

Now, admittedly, this is a fairly stark and ugly way of breaking down the exchange that happens between Sarah and her Mom, but if you use this as a template to do an "energy audit" (like the electric company might do of your house) of your own relations, you are more than likely to find instances of this kind of "energy theft." Maybe not as severe, but there. As part of what we humans do, we look for "free energy" and finding a way to secure it, and when we're living under a sense of threat (external or internal), we become less and less ethical in grabbing it. Sarah's mother, for whatever historical reasons, apparently doesn't feel she has enough energy, in herself or in the world, and so justifies herself stealing it from her daughter, through manipulating the behaviorally modifying mechanisms of shame and guilt, and then blaming her daughter.

Ugly as this mode of human relations is (especially among those who are supposed to have our best interests in mind), it has to be seen and assessed if we are to live full, authentic lives.

Energy Theft and Depression

This is especially true when it comes to depression, which (as I described in the last newsletter, here) has an essential function of monitoring our energy levels and, if it sees us not responding to diminishing/excessive energy, will shut us down. If our relationships are perpetually draining, in which there is a theft going on, a taking without giving, then depression will likely come in to balance the equation. Ironically, depression, if actually listened to and studied, will point us (like some kind of gas-leak detection device) to where energy is leaking out of our systems.

Sarah, who has settled into a resigned, and at times depressed, position in relation to her parents and mother, has to learn to protect her own energy if she is to avoid depression. Given how we're built, and the "energy regulating" function of depression, it's simply not possible to keep bleeding energy, or allow others to steal our energy, without triggering depression. Depression is trying to tell us where our energy balance is untenable, and if we don't listen, we will suffer.

As usual, if we don't manage ourselves consciously, depression will do it unconsciously.

(As a final note: this focus on energy and social bonds, and theft, is very complex and multifaceted, with huge issues around culture, developmental maturity, ignorance vs. sociopathy, etc. Who owns an individual's energy is going to be answered differently in different cultures and families. So, not denying this complexity, nonetheless, in relation to depression, we can hold a belief that our family is owed our energy, but if that energy is not balanced by a sense of social belonging, or duty fulfilled, i.e., if there is a net loss of energy, depression usually comes calling. At this level, it's much more an issue of physics than culture.)

http://www.psychedinsanfrancisco.com/energy-theft/

My T asked me to make a list of negative judgements I hold on myself because of my mom's inability to love/pove herself and therefore placing judgements on others instead. I thought I would share them here, as I see them popping up for others.

As I said to my T, I didn't think the list would be so long. And yet, I still don't think it's even halfway done.

Apparently, I have a lot of things to put on the list. Started writing things out by hand & it got a little long. But I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot and at the same time feel like I'm not even halfway done.

Please feel free to share your list. This is part of the work I'm doing to be able to love my IC without reservations.

List:
-Your body is unacceptable and embarrasses/makes me feel ashamed
-You shouldn't ask for anything other than what you're given b/c you're not worth it or special enough to get it; only your sister is
-Being smart is the only way to make me like you, but still not enough to make me love you
-You should be grateful to me & my religion that you're alive
-You don't have a special place in the family. You're not the first or the best at anything.
-You look like your dad's family, whom I dislike, therefore I dislike you
-I will take so much from you and make you believe that you are willingly giving it to me
-Your passions & feelings don't matter if they don't match my beliefs. I will show this by laughing at them and making them sound trivial and full of error.
-You can't do the same things as your brothers because you're a girl. But there's nothing special you can do as a girl because it's either not religiously acceptable or you're not pretty enough to do it.
-I will make a show of you standing up for something you want to do that I don't want you to do by demonstrating how hurtful and selfish you are to want it
-I will expect you to be perfect, but even if you are perfect I won't love you
-I will tell you to go the barn to help your dad but never recognize the work you are doing there
-I will only touch you to correct how you are dressed, unless touching you makes me look good to other people
-I will control what & when you eat, drink & sleep, and expect you to be grateful for the choices I make. And if you disagree, I will show you how ridiculous you are being and/or how much you've hurt me.
-I will not care or acknowledge if you have a favourite colour, style or anything that might be about you. If I like it, you should like it too or you will hurt my feelings.
-I will keep score of the number of times you've failed
-You will do the chores I don't want to do (clean bathrooms, baking, bringing in wood)
-You will not cry or acknowledge pain because it irritates me
-You will not get angry at me or I will hit you

Has anyone hear had challenges at work when dissociating and/or freezing? I'm really struggling with this right now. 

When I can "rise above" it, things are great. My job comes (relatively) easily to me, I'm productive, enjoy the atmosphere, etc. But I've been spending at least half the day frozen and it's catching up to me.

Background: I did take 3 months off (Oct-Jan), came back part-time and am now at full-time. The trigger for this was my ex's infidelity and other antics, but of course everything else surfaced. Some colleagues know that I am now separated. Most colleagues do not know about the rest of the stuff.

Help? Any sharing or strategies for managing through this would be appreciated. 

Sharing this website / author I discovered recently: http://soulshaping.com/

He's incredible, has sections on Inner Child, multiple books and online courses to help with all of these things. I follow him on Facebook and find his words very soothing and freeing.

Today marks 1 year since I discovered my now-ex was cheating on me. It's been a whirlwind and agonizingly long at the same time.

How do you deal with anniversaries like this? I want to call it a "bad" anniversary, but perhaps if I look at it as a freeing one it will help. Freeing, as in kicking off a long process of self-discovery.

Hi, my name is Sandals and I'm stuck at crying. Anyone else in the boat with me?

It's not that I don't want to...I do. I'm well aware that I need to in order to get through this. But the tears won't come. 

I sense that this is going to be my biggest hill to climb in this process - and likely the most rewarding. But I'm struggling to get to the top.

Hi everyone - just popping in to say hello. 

It's been a while. I hope that everyone has been taking care. I needed to take a little break, and apologize for not calling that out.

Happy to be back. 

Sandals

I am struggling with connecting with my IC. It's on my list of things to talk to my T about but thought I would also ask here.

In a nutshell, the only things I feel I can say to her that really resonate are "I love you" and "you're good" - both of which are powerful, but I would like to expand beyond that.

I have been feeling lately like I've been losing my identity because I'm losing my reference points. My T validated today that yes, that is likely happening, because I am breaking out of a very strong family system. I think that the breakdown of my marriage is also impacting it in some ways, too.

So I've been working on defining my own likes and self-expression. It feels so hard after spending almost half my life with someone else and admittedly choosing to adopt his likes as my own. It's hard to sort out what do I really like for me or if I should just reject all of it and find my own new likes. I'm starting more with the latter as it feels easier to discern.

Anyways, I had the epiphany today that this likely ties deeply to my inner child and the need to get to know her. There are a few obvious things that I can say I know (reading, animals, music) but asides from that, the list is practically non-existent, likely because she never had the opportunity to develop that side of herself.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you move forward?

Well, this post is considerably harder than the last one. 

This is the part that I usually hold back from the story of me because the shame is so immense. As is the fear of disbelief and contamination.

When I was 11 or 12, I was play-fighting with my second-oldest brother (6 years older than me). I remember him grabbing my arms and touching in between my legs, asking, "Is this why little girls keep their legs crossed?" I didn't know what to do. Then he stopped and things went back to normal.

I haven't told my T about this next one because I'm too scared of what it could mean. My sister asked if I remembered this and the sensations came flooding back. I don't know what age I was, can't place it at all. One of my brothers, asking me to close my eyes and feel this and tell him what it is. An elephant's trunk? I don't know....

And then there's this that happened during the breathing exercise from the workshop I did. And I have a fear of what it could be, I have told my T. But she wants to be very careful not create a false memory (as do I)... So right now, it's just there. I'm just copying and pasting from my review thread, just to get it done with.

The cathartic breathing exercise, I am also still processing and it was extremely powerful this time. I think this was due to me being so opened up. I accessed the emotions of my mom's physical abuse and other abuses, and was vocalizing a lot. I believe I dissociated for a bit, right in the middle. By the time I returned to my body, the music had turned to more soothing stuff, but my body was ramping up again, accessing even more deeply. First it was a return to the physical abuse, and then it went deeper, and I remember my body jerking. My T saw that it and she she encouraged me to let it out. What came out of my mouth was "Get off of me" several times and then I think I screamed, loudly, but I don't remember this completely.  I had told my T about a time when one of my brothers touched me when we were play-fighting, but this felt different, like someone holding me down by my collarbones. I'm not sure what it means, but it was powerful. Afterward, I laid still and cried a bit and the rolled onto my side and curled up in a ball. Lucky for me, that was the side my partner was on, so we connected and it helped ground me and gently bring me back.

Breathe. Post. Now.

Wanted to share an awesome experience from yesterday. 

I've been talking to my T for a while about this pain & hurt I feel that compels my SI. The hurt actually felt physical (not derived from any particular source, but very "in my body") and the pain felt emotional. One of the most amazing things about the cathartic breathing exercise at The Awakening workshop was that I felt it dispelled the hurt. But the pain was still there.

So at my session yesterday, we tried a few different processes. The first one had some minor impact but didn't feel complete. But the second one was just so amazing & miraculous. The process was similar to the anxiety process I posted earlier here but it took it a level deeper.

My T guided me and I did this process with my eyes closed. We took this pain entity & I gave it (or rather, it gave me) a shape (shapeless, like a shadow), colour (black), sound (no sound), size (enormous, up to the ceiling) & age (60-70 years). Then I asked it what it wanted of me (my words, the actual script was more precise) - just one word, whether it was an actual word or an image that came to mind. Together, we would create the goal and then the process would repeat. It started in a very deep, ugly place and went deeper for a while and then started reversing to more light stuff. Some of the early stuff was "growth" (sounds positive, but didn't feel positive: it wanted me to be bigger, as big as it was, and it was enormous) "destruction", "grief", "rebuilding", "sadness" and then later turned to "harmony", "happiness", etc.

I came to a spot where I felt that it was asking me to trust it and be friends with, so I did that. The image "children" came up, which I took to mean innocence. "Love" also came up, but funny enough, didn't feel as big as some of the others. The last word I came to was "Warmth". After that, it had no other higher purpose.

My T asked me if there were any images associated with it - and there were beautiful, gorgeous images; a kaleidoscope of nature: trees, rivers, lakes, sand, oceans, dragonflies, butterflies & birds, all bathed in this gorgeous orange & yellow warm light, moving in harmony and flowing over & around me. My T said this is the core essence of me. And you know what? I believe her. It felt so right, so in harmony with various things I've felt all through my life.

We then walked back through all of the goals (words) I had created with the pain entity and I said how this core word, "Warmth" impacted them (increased, decreased, etc.). I then thanked it and we did a few more things and it was done.

I cannot explain how amazing I felt at the end of this. My T said I was glowing and I believe her. I still feel like I am. This will help serve as my anchor, as other things come up.

I know that this stuff is very different from the more academic links and discussions we have on here; and it's so different from anything I've ever thought I would do or believe in. But it's the most healing for me. The academic understanding helps, too, don't get me wrong. But this is such a powerful balm to the emotional pain, & I am so grateful for it.

Just curious

Pulling this out of the other thread, as it's a long one.    The Awakening

Please feel free to ask me any questions that may pop into your head, always up for some good conversation.

My overall take: I cannot believe how far I was taken over the course of 3 days. I have learned so much about myself, the stuff from the unconscious is incredibly powerful. I am still digesting a lot - this will likely take a few days to a week to write out, and still be evolving after that. This is very intense work. It may not be for everyone, but it was definitely what I was looking for (even though I didn't have a roadmap on how I would get there).

Workshop Overview

Overall, the workshop serves as a 3-day group therapy session - everyone defines their purpose on why they are there (approx 16 participants, equal number of assistants + 4 facilitators). Reasons for coming can vary a lot, but that adds to the richness of the work. Note that there is a lot of opportunity for talking, but I would not define this as CBT.

Here is an example of some of the reasons given by participants. Note that some of the core reasons evolved as we were further into the workshop.

-Wanting to find own voice, due to forced into peacekeeper role between parents as child
-Trauma from early-years doctor appointment, being forced to open legs due to infection; wanting to resolve for sexual reasons
-Suffered divorce, job loss, cancer diagnosis; wanted to reorient life
-Relationship fractured, wanting to heal; issues on both sides of relationship, including abandonment and no father figure
-Wanting to be able to feel emotions, repressed due to immigration and childhood bullying

Day 1 (starts in afternoon)
-Intro to workshop
-Your personal headline
-A check-in with a word on how you're feeling
-An elaboration on word and why you're there

My experience
My headline: "Shadow envelops the earth; look for patches of light to play in" - much more metaphorical than others' headlines, likely due to my avoidance

My check-in word: reflective (note - staying in my head here, avoiding feelings)

This was a good warmup for me in terms of getting to know everyone. My avoidant style showed true to nature and I didn't check in on this night; waited to go last on the next day. People were incredibly open, which blew me away. The facilitators were very warm and even though I am adverse to large groups of people I don't know, I was feeling relatively comfortable by the end of the night. Good food!

Day 2
-Cathartic breathwork
-Further check-ins and some work around them in group using but not limited to experiential therapy, mostly psychodrama (The art of psychodrama includes the recognition of a person's private and metaphorical language and the use of multiple perspectives to elicit the subjective experiences of the protagonist, the director and the group members.)
-Participant pair into groups of 2. They are also paired with 2 assistants (1 assistant per person). The pairing lasts for the entire weekend as is important for assimilation, bonding and going back into the "outside world."
-The small group works on individual goal setting, defining defenses that will come up, defining ways to help keep on track
-Final check-ins occur to ensure everyone in the group is heard
-In the evening, groups break out into a set of 4 participants + 4 assistants + 1 facilitator work on re-enactment. There is 1 re-enactment per person and the entire process per participant takes 1 hour. This includes time for setup, re-enactment, discussion, etc. NB: This is a very supportive environment, the participant is empowered to stop or change action at any time, and is also closely watched by assistants and facilitator for any interventions or changes needed. (Note: this is not exposure therapy. I found it to be similar to this article by vanderkolk.)

My experience
My goal for the weekend was Self love and Self acceptance. I knew these two things were key to healing, and as the weekend progressed it illustrated how essential they were.

My defenses: humour; logic/rationalization/emotional detachment; lying; diversion of attention onto others; disappearing

As I mentioned above, I was the last one to check-in. And it had become conspicuous by this point that I was going to be the last one to check in.    I was avoiding, due to the work that was being done during the check-ins; it was incredibly powerful stuff and very emotional and I was afraid of it. For example, one person talked about how she missed her father, who had passed away 20 years ago. They had her talk to someone who role-played her father, just in terms of having a figure there that she could say what she wanted to, and he would respond "I hear you." Then they switched roles and she became her father and told herself (the other person) the things that she thought he would say. Everyone was crying by the time that ended, as was she. But you could tell, too, that she felt incredibly peaceful. That's just one example, some were even more powerful.

The breathing exercise was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. If you haven't looked at the link, please have a look. I found after that in scientific terms, it stimulates the amygdala, which has a large capacity for fear-based memories, even those which we are not conscious of, which the pre-frontal cortex suppresses. Intense breathing, then, brings up more feelings of those things which you may be peripherally but not fully aware of. If you are doing this, it is also important to have a period of integration at the end so you are not just re-traumatized.

Some people had done this sort of breathwork before; I had not. It was strange to hear some people start to cry or shout as we went further into the session. Even though I was doing the work and felt slightly light-headed, I didn't experience the fear that everyone else seemed to. (Note: this came for me in the second session, I think I was just way too repressed for it to fully surface in the first one.) Near the end of the session, where the breathing slows, I did get some of the "high" that others did...and I thought I saw the sun and it was just glorious. And then I stopped and turned around and saw my mom - and saw hundreds and hundreds of pieces of me by her. I know that sounds very abstract, and it was, but it's the best that I can describe it as. This immediately pulled me off the high, but I was still calm. Near the very end, they ask you to turn over and look your partner in the eyes - this is part of the reconnecting/integration process.

I can't stress enough how much stuff like this needs to be done with experienced people. We had a minimum of 1 assistant per person, plus the facilitators. I couldn't imagine trying this on my own, especially after my experience in the second session.

When I checked in, I told my story (I won't repeat, it's in the intro section). I felt that the room was so quiet, although that was likely because I was speaking quietly. I stayed calm (repressed) through all of it, and the facilitators asked me a couple of gentle questions at the end, but didn't move into any sort of work in front of the group. I think they could tell I was pretty fragile, even though I was trying to appear calm and strong.

We did a few more small things and then moved into the re-enactment exercise I described above. This was even more powerful than the work done with the full group. It allowed participants to experience the point of trauma that they identified from multiple perspectives. After the role play was done, there would be an opportunity for people in the group to say what they saw - things like "you were brave" or "powerful," etc. The participant it was focused on would listen, breathe it in and then say, "thank you." There was also a journalling exercise at the end where your partner would take the notes for you.

My experience was very emotional, which is partly why it's taken me a while to write about it. We took a break before it was my turn and my T came to get me (I was in my room, slightly panicking - of course, I was last again  ). I assumed that my T would be the director, but instead one of the facilitators said he was going to direct; in the initial introductions, he had said the reason he had come there originally was because of a challenged family environment (my words, not his). He was extremely gentle with me and asked what I wanted to focus on...as I mentioned, I gave the full story at my check-in, so there were multiple events to go with.

I'm the sort of person that goes quiet and takes a while to come to a decision. I was really hesitant, too, because I didn't want my mom to be there - even if it was just a re-enactment. I told him that and I can't remember what he said back, but it was reassuring. So I decided to go all-in and do a familiar scene from my childhood. If my sister and I would fight, my mom would get angry and grab a yardstick from the laundry room; we would run up to our bedrooms to hide and she would come up to punish us. I remembered her loud steps and yelling and just fear in general preceding the hitting.

I chose who would play my mom, who would play my sister and who would be my guardian angel. I chose my T to be my guardian angel - their role is to be with you when you leave the room (the room might get changed around a bit and the director discusses sequencing of events, etc.). I was nervous - partially because of the re-enactment, but I also told her I was nervous that it would not work with me. When other people did their check-ins, they cried, were emotional, etc. I was not, I usually am not, just calm, due to emotional repressing. Then the director came and got us.

I went into the room and the scene began with me and my sister fighting over the TV. This felt forced to me, but I think that's pretty normal. Then my mom came in and started yelling, went to get the stick (they had pool noodles as props). The director showed me where my bedroom was and I promptly went on the bed and hid under the covers. My mom's loud footsteps came towards me and there were some loud thwacks from the pool noodle. Because I was under the covers and couldn't see, it was all auditory-based for me and my whole body jumped at every single one of them. But I was frozen emotionally, as I thought I would be.

The director then paused the scene and gently pulled the covers off of me. He asked me to stand up and I was shaking in my arms and my legs. I had a sweater on that I kept pulling on the ends with my hands. This next part is a little blurry, but here's what I remember. He asked me if I had anything I wanted to say to my mom. I said no, I didn't want to get angry. He said that anger doesn't always have to be associated with violence. I told him I wanted to disappear. He said, "Yes, you got very good at that, but you don't have to disappear anymore." (something like that, anyways, it was better when he said it. He asked if there was anything more I wanted to say to my mom and I looked at her and started crying, and told him I just wanted her to go away. So he said to tell her.

And then I yelled. I screamed at her to go away and to leave now. I went right up to her and screamed at her. And she stood there and said "I hear you." And I was so angry that she wouldn't go when I said that. I started slowly walking backward. He put his arm behind me so I wouldn't trip over the bed and asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. And the words that came out of my mouth were nothing I had articulated or even consciously thought before.

I started crying again, harder, and said I tried so hard to be good, but was never good enough. I asked her why she never loved me for who I was. And cried and cried. She said "I hear you." I screamed at her again to go away. And she said "I hear you." and she left.

One feeling that I observed & articulated was shame. It was so very overwhelming. When I said, "I feel so ashamed," I hung my head, my body was folding in on itself, I couldn't look at anyone.

Then they had someone stand in for my dad. I was very close to my dad, he was the opposite of my mom, and was devastated when he passed away 14 years ago. I still miss him enormously.

My dad said, "I love you" and even though I had stopped crying, I started crying again, even more. I looked at him and asked him why he didn't protect me. Again, another thing that I had never consciously thought. I can't remember the rest and the director ended the scene shortly after that.

The rest of the exercise, going around and hearing affirmations from other people was very healing. I was exhausted by this time (and it was late, around 11 pm) and we all went to bed after. I went to sleep thinking that this was going to be the biggest experience of my time there, not realizing it was the foundation for even more development.

I mentioned to Rain in another post that I'm coming to terms with the magnitude of abuse, something I'd never seen properly before. I knew of things (some repressed) but compartmentalized things tightly to minimize them.

This is still hard for me to say all together, so big breath.

I mentioned in my intro that my mom physically abused me and my siblings. Terrorized is more like it. Here are some of the things she did.

-lots of hitting, with hands and other things. A yard stick was one of her favourites and she would get angry if it broke. I'd like to believe they were all hits to the bottom, but I don't think they were. And does it really matter?

-If we came downstairs after bedtime and it was winter, we were made to sit in the front hallway. It was not insulated and snow would drift in under the door. We would stay there for around 20 minutes and then be sent back upstairs.

-In the summertime, if she got mad at us, we would try to run away. I grew up on a farm and so we would run down the gravel road (if she missed grabbing us) and then hide in the corn field. She would get in the car and drive after us, yelling, at turns angry and at turns crying hysterically. Being children, we would feel compelled to go to her if she was crying and, well, then the rest would happen.

-If I argued with my sister, she would grab the scissors out of the drawer in the kitchen, come grab my hair and threaten to cut it

-If we didn't eat our food or drink our milk, she would hold our noises until we opened our mouths to breathe and force it in.

-I'll never forget the terror the sound of her footsteps on the stairs would bring. In the winter, it was always cold in my bedroom and she refused to give an extra blanket. I would sneak out to sit on the rad in the hallway. But if I heard her coming would run back to bed as quickly and quietly as I could.

I know there's more I'm repressing. I don't really want to remember more, but it keeps coming out in waves.

So my mom got into another "get ahold of Sandals" frenzy yesterday. 6 calls in 1 day, followed by texts/message from one of my brothers and my sister. I had last talked to her on 11/3, so a few weeks ago, but not that long.

I have not yet decided if I should go NC with her (mostly hesitant because of the kids), so am trying to be LC. But yesterday just ramped my anxiety up to unbearable levels, each call making it more and more hard to call her back.

So I called her this morning and told her to stop it. Of course she denied that she had asked my brother and sister to message me - very typical of her. I told her I would call her when I call her...that I was busy otherwise (somewhat true, I'm busy rebuilding my life). THEN she said I should I call her once every 10 days. For f* sakes, I'm 40 years old, I don't need a f*ing check-in with her every 10 days. So I told her no again.

Then she informed me that my sister would be hosting our family Christmas this year on Boxing Day. Every other year, we have done our family Christmas the weekend before. This was mostly to accommodate me and my family, as I did not want to spend all of Christmas travelling to them (a 3.5 hour drive) and then to my ex's parents (a 2.5 hour drive). Now since I'm single, it seems like they just decided to dispose of this, like I no longer matter in decision making. *.

So I messaged my sister and told her I couldn't make that date. No response as of yet. And why did I message my sister? Because my mom told me to, as if she is not the one responsible for making these decisions (she very much is the one in charge, due to her personality).

She makes me feel so controlled and uncared for. But I know if I tell her that, she will turn it around on me, and I'm not ready yet to have that conversation.

/rant

Anyone else frustrated with forgetfulness/memory issues? I'm feel that this symptom is actually getting worse for me. Which then leads to increased anxiety, self-hate, etc. 

I try to manage with lists, etc., but was wondering if anyone has a time line on when they've seen memory start to improve.

Thought I would share this classic narc-mother birthday card I received last week. I look at it and laugh now because it's so ridic.

Background: My mother is highly narc (my sister is the golden child) & ultimately the source of my CPA & CEBN. I called her when I was going home to kick my ex out (I discovered his infidelity) and she told me I should pray to God.

She makes me go like this for so many things. Has spent many phone calls telling me that I can't do this on my own and honestly I think is more personally insulted about the infidelity than caring about how I feel.

Work was super-busy in Sept/Oct and I wasn't getting a chance to call her back...oh, if only I could play you guys a recording of her voice mail. "Hi Sandals, it's your mom. Call me." Eventually this morphed into me just not wanting to call her back. And to give background, I had driven up to seen her for Cdn txgiving in Oct, less than 3 weeks prior.

Anyhow, I had planned to keep my b-day low-key this year b/c before I discovered the infidelity, my ex had the other woman in the house and they were both discussing how they were going to plan such an awesome birthday, etc.  So I knew that it was going to be not a great day for me. Then my mom sent me this card. Like my T says, this is something that would display well on the mantel if someone didn't know my mom...but given who she is, it reads completely different. And then funny thing is that I know she went looking for it specifically as it's a Carlton card and usually she buys dollar store cards. 

Without further ado - here's the card. Front cover only, the rest is equally heinous.



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Another one from my T. This is more focused on *accepting* the feelings that you have. Especially with anxiety, we often try to work against these feelings, which ends up exacerbating them. Focusing on accepting the feelings and really *feeling* them within us can help to raise our emotional awareness and keep them manageable.

ANXIETY PROCESS from this Youtube link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_jtsCgwcp4
***I added a few more questions etc, as you will see below...

How about print these steps out so you have them. Just five minutes of your time and you will be building knew neural pathways (habits) towards not only managing anxiety but ending/healing it! 

    Close eyes
    Bring your focus to the inside of your body and identify the sensations within you
    Choose the one sensation u identify and/or connect the most with your anxiety to focus on
    Take some time to focus fully on this one sensation and note where it resides within you
    Give this sensation some characteristics:  What shape is it? What color is it? How big is it?  How old is it? Does it make a sound? How heavy is it? On a scale from one 1_______10 how strong is it right now?
    In your mind and in your body say to it:


    "Sensation I see you"
    "Sensation I feel you"
    "Sensation I can handle you"
    "Feeling, you are ok to be where you are"
    "Energy, I let you be as you are" 

Now, ask yourself again: On a scale from 1____10, how strong is the anxiety now?

***If still high/unmanageable do it again...

I received the below from my T. I thought this was the weirdest thing when I first tried it...but now I really find connection with it. From everything I've read, it's gaining rapid acceptance in many channels. I think of it as a cross between self-acupuncture and positive self-talk.

EFT - Emotional Freedom Techniques is a relatively new discovery and a fast-evolving treatment within the field of Energy Psychology which is catching the attention of healers, scientists, spiritualists and lay people.

Often referred to as "Psychological acupressure", the technique works by releasing blockages within the energy system which are the source of emotional intensity and discomfort. These blockages in our energy system, in addition to challenging us emotionally, often lead to limiting beliefs and behaviours and an inability to live life harmoniously. Resulting symptoms are either emotional and/ or physical and include lack of confidence and self esteem, feeling stuck anxious or depressed, or the emergence of compulsive and addictive behaviours. It is also now finally widely accepted that emotional disharmony is a key factor in physical symptoms and dis-ease and for this reason these techniques are being extensively used on physical issues, including chronic illness with often astounding results. As such these techniques are being accepted more and more in medical and psychiatric circles as well as in the range of psychotherapies and healing disciplines.

An EFT treatment involves the use of fingertips rather than needles to tap on the end points of energy meridians that are situated just beneath the surface of the skin. The treatment is non-invasive and works on the ethos of making change as simple and as pain free as possible.

EFT is a common sense approach that draws its power from Eastern discoveries that have been around for over 5,000 years. In fact Albert Einstein also told us back in the 1920's that everything (including our bodies) is composed of energy. These ideas have been largely ignored by Western Healing Practices and as they are unveiled in our current times, human process is reopening itself to the forgotten truth that everything is Energy and the potential that this offers us

TAPPING (EFT-Emotional Freedom Technique)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4EDgTc0AyQ

And here's a website with great resources and info: http://www.tapping.com/

"Even though I feel _______________________________ I wholly and completely love and accept myself, my mind, my body, my soul and my personality, even though ____________________________________"

*gulp* I am attending The Awakening workshop this weekend.

This workshop is so *not* something I would have ever done before. But I've come to the realization that I need to do something different and something big, so I'm taking a leap of faith on my T's recommendation that this could be helpful to recovery.

The link gets into a lot of details, but she has framed it for me as an opportunity to remove fear and therefore to see love. Self-acceptance is, of course, a big part of it too.

Please, any pixie dust or prayers, what-have-you, would be most welcome. I've told my T that my biggest fear is not being able to open up to be able to this and therefore not receiving any benefit...and also disappointing her. She has been great and said that there is no disappointing and everything will move at my own pace. And she will also be there for me, which is wonderful.