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Topics - caroline

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Sexual Abuse / Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA
« on: February 13, 2019, 11:36:00 PM »
I have found out terrible things, part of me thinks nononononono, but part of me thinks it makes more sense than anything i ever could have made up.

my mother and (in a very complicated way) half sister (but an adult at the time) sold me when i was little. My sister has told me that i was on the contraceptive pill from at least 9 years old. I didn't start my period till I was at least13, i remember it!

Can this be possible? How can i not remeber any of it, i am scared because i don't think my sister would make this up.

I know there was a lot of abuse and neglect, all through the family/friends of family, but to here it said like it was like, organised, * *.


Sexual Abuse / Why do I feel guilt/shame? Logic versus emotion
« on: October 15, 2018, 11:45:43 PM »
Why do I feel so ashamed about/guilty about the abuse?

Trying to work through some stuff and am wondering how I managed to take the 'blame' when I would never think that way about someone else who had had those sorts of experiences.

I am supposed to be being more compassionate for/to myself but I am really struggling with how to do that.

Thank you for listening x

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / The police called today
« on: August 10, 2018, 11:33:22 PM »
The police got back to me after i put in a report (which can't come back to me) that raised concerns. Turns out he (main childhood abuser) is alive, turning 70 and has a young family.  They said they wouldn't be able to tell me much cos of data protection. Then the phone call telling me all that. I should have been asleep hours ago but am feeling so, i don't even know. Hyper aware??

I feel like i am getting pressured into doing an actual report.  My life is on;y just being held together.  I am honestly a mess right now.  I am in touch with the local crisis centre charity place. My T is on holiday for 2 weeks so I need to reach out. Even just to say it out loud.

My mum is being really difficult about it, the fact i may get the police involved. It makes her look bad so I am getting all the horrible messages.

Everything I am doing for fun is on holiday and i am such a bore as can't drink on the meds i'm taking.. Am i only good enough if i can join in drinking?  More triggering memories.

I really don't know if this is 'enough' to post in this thread. Guess I will find out. Thank you for listening.

Sexual Abuse / new memories (not graphic in anyway)
« on: March 21, 2018, 12:22:53 AM »
I have been working really hard in therapy to look at and try and process some of whats happened in my life so far.  Things seem to be unlocking in my brain/mind.

Had new memories start to appear.  I feel terrified.  Are they just going to keep coming like this?  I am spending most of my time in bed. I am hiding i guess.  There is just too much.

The Cafe / Got a new penpal!
« on: January 05, 2018, 10:39:18 PM »
Hi!  Not sure if this is the place to put this but i know it'll be moved if i've got it wrong!

Over xmas and new year my partner and i visited his family.  as we usually do.  This time my neice (8yr old) and i decided to be pen pals!! We live about 250 miles apart.  I got my first letter yesterday and i am really excited to write back!!  Do you have a pen pal? 

My T was trying to work out where a feeling of shame was coming from and i had this new thing (although i have had it before but never in a therapy setting).  As my anxiety got higher it was like the room was changing in size and shape.  i said out loud the the walls were closing in, but it felt more like the whole shape of the room was changing.

The only other time i know/remember this happening was when i was at the vet getting our lovely cat pts. 

Any thoughts much appreciated  :)

General Discussion / Prolonged exposure therapy
« on: November 17, 2017, 12:49:30 AM »
This is really hard and upsetting work. But i feel a small shift in the confidence I have for my T. I've said much more than i even knew i remembered. 

Found out there is such a thing as body memories or somatic flashbacks. I am starting to feel like the picture is clearing up but it leaves a terrifying truth behind it.  I have disconnected from my self by spacing out for almost 30 years. This is where it started and the picture is becoming clearer. :fallingbricks:

Sexual Abuse / Does it ever just seem like too many things have happened?
« on: October 31, 2017, 11:47:42 PM »
I have 3 main abusers, some of it was in childhood, one in teens and one from 17 to 24.

I also remember 3 other people who have touched me when/when they shouldn't to actual sex.  All those 3 were before i was 12.

It just seems like too much.  How can people believe me?  If anything ever happened again i would be made to look like a liar.

IDK, just feeling overwhelmed and vulnerable.  Sorry.

Therapy / Prolonged exposure therapy
« on: October 31, 2017, 11:33:11 PM »
I have recently started prolonged exposure therapy.  we have done alot of prep work and next Monday i am going to be talking about one of my more persistent flashbacks.

The session is going to be 90 mins and recorded.  I'll be expected to listen to it  between sessions.

I don't know how i'm going to get actual words out.

Have any of you ever done this type of therapy?  The aim seems to be to desensitise me to what happened to process the memory.

Any input very welcome!!

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Work and questions about being off.
« on: February 07, 2017, 10:42:07 PM »
So today was the first day the the term PTSD was used with my manager.  I have been signed off work with depression for the last 5 months.

I told her it was also related to ptsd (didn't even bother to try and explain cptsd).  Her first question was "What happened to you for you to have that?"

I think i reacted well, just saying i'd rather not talk about that.

Seriously, who askes that as their first question? Ugh, struggling to find the energy to get out of bed just now, never mind deal with other people!

Thanks for listening x

General Discussion / Everything happening at once!
« on: October 06, 2016, 10:39:00 PM »
Hi, not been around for a while.

I had an assessment for help a while ago, i got referred to a trauma clinic.  I start on their group on the 18th October.  Not long now.  It's called Surviving  to Thriving and last 10 weeks.  Got all the info 2 days ago.

I have gone down hill quite quickly since that appointment.  Even though i felt really understood and validated.

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist next week to challenge some of the stuff that has ended up in my records and as a diagnosis.  I am starting a course called Healthy Active Minds, appointment is the same day as the psychiatrist.  I had an initial appointment with a R*p* crisis centre as old stuff has been coming up really badly.  I started back at work after nearly 9 months off. My mum has been ill, my brother is possibly mentally unwell and has assaulted my SIL.  It's a mess.  I am trying to be a support, but things are so difficult.

Oh, and i haven't slept properly for months now.  :fallingbricks:

Got to keep pushing forwards though.  Anyway, just wanted to get that out there.  I hope things don't feel this intense for too much longer.  It seems to have all kicked off after talking about this out loud!! 

Hope you are all doing as ok as possible xx

Family of Origin (FOO) / talking with siblings
« on: August 11, 2016, 10:47:57 PM »
I have been talking with a sibling and feel really overwhelmed by how much was going on for them as well.  Very different stuff, plus some of the same.  I feel awful that i walked away and tried to save myself and just left. 

I know my older  sibling did the same and how i felt when they left.  I did the exact same thing.  I'm so glad to be able to talk to one of them about this, and we are hoping to get the other involved by going out for a meal or something, which has never happened in our whole lives together, and we are all between 30's and 40's now.  So much time lost just hiding from each other and feeling bad and all the while living in the same area and just feeling so odd that we don't know how to connect.  I'm not even sure how i am managing to type this. I don't feel like i am connected to my hands.  I hope this gets easier. 

Other / Cold sores + Raynaud's
« on: August 04, 2016, 10:51:37 PM »
So the more I look into all this, the more i have been wondering about physical stuff.  I get loads of cold sores - not the normal "i get loads of cold sores" chat that several friends come out with.  Like, a serious amount.  I have been taking medication for them (zovirax in tablet form (UK name)) for many years, which has reduced the number, but not stopped them like it's supposed too. 

I did a DBT group thing several years ago (for eating disorder) and used to get a cold sore every tuesday after group.  If my cats are at the vet, i get one, if i get late to an appointment, i get one.  Some times two or three.  If i spend time with certain people, i can get more (5 is the most so far at once).  Everyone is always asking if i'm run down - whatever that actually means - this has happened since being a small child.

While i'm here, the other one i was wondering about is Raynauds disease/syndrome/whatever.  Where i lose all blood supply to my fingers and toes. It's usually caused by a change in temperature - like getting out of a warm bed into a cold room, or getting something out of the freezer.  But i mostly get it when stressed out, going to be late, worried.  Has anyone ever had this? 

Hope none of you get this btw! Thanks for reading though!

General Discussion / Telling people what's going on
« on: August 02, 2016, 06:50:23 PM »
How do you decide who you can trust with this kind of stuff?  I am feeling really strong urges to tell everyone whats happening just now (since assessment on Friday) but know that this goes totally against my usual way of thinking.  For 1, it would be potentially dangerous i think, being vulnerable like that.  Also might make me feel ashamed later/after, and could also be met with a bad/unwanted reactions.

So why would i be wanting to tell everyone? What's this all about?  The really mean bit of my mind is saying it's because I'm an attention seeker who just wants people to feel sorry for me etc.  Is that true?  I don't know.  It's very different from my normal way of just wanting to keep things quiet.

Hope I'm not posting too much, just feel a there is more of a chance to be understood here and not feel too ashamed about all the questions.

General Discussion / is this a 'normal' response?
« on: August 01, 2016, 10:19:16 PM »
So i had had a first official assessment for ptsd/cptsd on Friday. It went really well, got a referral to specialist treatment place for further assessment/treatment (hopefully).  I was actually feeling pretty happy and like for once i was taken seriously. Posted on here later that evening and was still feeling good.

That night, a few hours later I crashed.  Binge/purged (not used bulimia for about 5 or 6 years, so very disappointed about that).   Was really close to self- harming.  Felt kinda out of control and just, not safe.  I did get in touch with two friends ( a couple) who both took turns talking to me on the phone till i stopped shaking and felt able to go to bed.  My partner was already asleep as we were going away the next morning and he was driving.  I was then really slow about getting ready and just felt overwhelmed about seeing all his family etc.  Then felt guilty for not being my normal organised self and making us late etc. 

Ok, this is just a ramble.  We got home today after a nice time - but worried i might crash like that when on my own this week, my partner is back at work tomorrow and I am off sick just now.

SDorry, this got a bit confused and jumbled, gonna post anyway, sorry x

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