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Topics - marycontrary

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General Discussion / OK, another one about being triggered by sex
« on: March 16, 2015, 06:43:24 PM »
On other thread, we had a really good discussion on sex, and it was deeply enlightening on a personal level.

Well, I had sex all this weekend with a really nice guy. It was a totally positive and seemingly healthy experience.  I really needed to get laid, and so did he.

Well, he left to go back home this weekend and I was ready to have some quiet time. A few minutes later, I started getting really depressed. I was watching my inner state very closely. I suddenly remembered that after I had fun casual sex about 8 years ago in the past, I felt the same way.

This is not abandonment feelings. This is not a moralistic self loathing or regret. No shame. It was a totally wonderful time. This is some sort of triggering of some script in my head that made me incredibly depressed inside of a few minutes.

The thoughts that have been going through my head are unrelated sadness events about how problematic my attachment mechanisms are. But this depressive thing, which is the worst than I have had in months and came on like a tsunami, is mostly a mystery.

Again, I deeply appreciate Ya'll and would welcome thoughts oh this. It is perplexing.   

On my other thread, we started talking about attaching too much and not attaching enough with people during sex. I think this attachment issue in general is an important thing to talk about. Maybe we can learn from each other.

Like other people here, I have had too much and too little bonding with various things, situations, and people in life. Inappropriate bonding strategies. Inappropriate Oxytocin release patterns. I am working my tail off try to correct this in myself. I am working to try to re-calibrate my pattern of bonding.

You can see that problems with bonding result in a lot of crazy, seeming illogical behaviors---by us and others. It is like having a beautiful, wild pony inside of us, gotta find a way to tame it---or a lot of destruction will result.

I used to grasp too much to things and people. Now I am suprised how I turned the switch to the other side, and not grasp at all.

My beloved therapist said the other day that he thought I was a feral person. I appreciated his honesty and candor. I am a feral person. I was not insulted.

So now, I am in a detachment phase.  I don't think it will last forever, it is more of a neural remodeling process, methinks.


General Discussion / OK, here is a sensitive topic---sex drive
« on: February 11, 2015, 12:56:04 PM »
Ok, as some of you have commented and supported, I have broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. It just was not a healthy dynamic at all, and I am actually very happy to have stayed true to my values. I have gotten a lot of stuff done, and am going a lot of productive things. That part is healthy and I am really proud of it.



I have come to some pretty deep realizations that really bother me.  Please try to bear with me.

I have a really high sex drive. The last several relationships, I was really broken, and needed to heal, but I just wanted a casual, nice, and polite * buddy arrangement. No. The men ALWAYS get attached and want something more. ALWAYS. And this is after a very honest discussion and agreement about the situation. I have never misled anybody.

I was always perplexed about this. As a person with attachment difficulties, I totally realized that I do not get the same "bonding chemical" release than many people do, including men, when having sex. This chemical is called oxytocin, and have been the subject of many scientific studies over 50 years.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy sex like I would a fine meal or a trip to the museum. I am very greatful to have a person to share this with, and I do not treat the experience cheaply. The experience, like going to the forest on a walk, is very special to me.  I would like to have a grown up casual arrangement, but I do not think other people are wired for it.  I do not bond in the same way with sex that many other people do.  I can bond in love, and have sex with it, but not bond with sex alone.

What I realized is that I used my last relationship to keep me from being promiscuous. And the one before that. When I am not attached, much of the  time, my mind is preoccupied with sex and I look at guys as if I was a horny 16 year old boy.  When I am attached, it damps down to more manageable levels.

Please do not get me wrong. I am not a love addict. I am not constantly falling in love. I just like to get laid like I enjoy fine art or a fine meal, or a walk through nature. Not cheap or sleazy, but a true appreciation like it was an art form. But I realize most men are not wired this way, and it causes a LOT of trouble.

For God's sake, I am 43 and this problem is just getting worse. And of course, being in a country with so many polite, sexy, and willing men it is really driving me nuts.

I am exercising and meditating, and these things are of limited use.

Please advise. This is a REALLY big deal. And thank you.


Hey amigos. :hug:

In the last several weeks, I think I have experienced a quantum leap in my recovery. When I say this, I mean that I feel my brain function has changed for the better. I wanted to document this, as maybe you guys might experience similar phenomenon.

1. Frontal lobe---dorsal lateral better functioning

For about 3 years, my concentration totally went to the toilet. Really, it was an off and on issue  a big part of my life. But 3 years ago, it was like I had a head injury or a stroke in that region, functioning was so bad.  Still did a lot of stuff, but it took 3-4x as long. To clean my RV in Texas out, and to go through modest paperwork----there was not that much stuff----it took about a month of excruciating hard work. Guys, there was hardly anything...should have not been much more than an afternoon. Maybe 2 days. Taxes for my modest income took 3 weeks---should not have been more than an afternoon. Planning to go to the store, take care of bill, wash clothes...took monumental planning. Taking a shower took a lot of planning. Did not go forward with plans with my business because the execution of simple actions was too much.

It took everything I had to just basically function.

Well several weeks ago, I started realizing that TIME was passing more slowly, and that hard crappy stuff that took a lot of concentration got done in a jiffy. I rebuilt a large website in a week and completely planned the SEO (a marketing plan), and have executed it. I fixed a lot of boring-to-fix errors on the website that took years to get to.

The gawd awful ADD like symptoms seem to be abating. Oh, let's keep our fingers crossed.
2. More dorsal lateral frontal lobe

Clarity. I found myself not dissociating as much, so I am able to pay better attention to details

3. Easier time with emotional regulation.---Ventral lateral frontal lobe, amygdala, and sympathetic nervous system (SNS)coordination
AKA, EFs. Oh God, my heart goes out to all of you guys with this one. Though they were getting a lot better, they were still debilitating.
I started having these dreams about people that should have spun into nightmares. But they did not. So what happen was that the SNS did not reflexively kick in and start causing the awful EFs.

When my now ex boyfriend would start acting up, I found that it was much less uncomfortable than before. Again, my SNS fight or flight response trigger seems to be much less sensitive. Again, this is the gut clenching physical agony part most of us have.

4.  Grieving
I had to put down my little feral kitty, break up with my boyfriend, and move suddenly in one month. Plus, be exposed to his (my exe's) dysregulation. Normally the grieving is so bad and so god awful painful, that I would rather be dead at that moment. With better frontal lobe function, and less painful SNS response, it feels like a regular grieving.  Sure, I bust out into crying a lot of times these last few days. Sure, I have lost everything and have no anchor. But the little reminders of the small good things keep popping up, again reminding me that my physical brain is functioning better.

5. Declarative (or verbal) memory.
The hippocampus, responsible for bring memories to words and narratives is definitely coming back on line. I have been able to better articulate myself at all levels. I can form narratives much better, and have the feeling component layered cohesively without it going blank or into an emotional flashback as often.

I wanted to share this with you, as I was really beginning to wonder after 3years if the damage was not permenant. I
 really felt like a disabled person.

This is what I has to do
Curing the thyroid disease was probably the straw that made all the pieces finally start coming together. I had to cut dairy and coffee out cold turkey. Drank 6-8 cups a day.

No gluten (6 years)
Very few movies
No gaming system
Minimal processed food
Walk 4-9 miles a day (give or take)
Minimal makeup...realized I have big reactions to a lot of it
care with soaps and exposure to cleaning agents
No artificial fragrances.
Get up at 5 or earlier in the morning to work
Very few late nights.
No frivolous shopping.
No frivolous, manipulating people or situations.

Abiding by these 4 boundaries.
Distance from
1. People with lying issues
2. People with addiction issues
3. People he have problems processing empathy (BIGGGG ONE)
4. People (including the elderly) that have issues with reckless behavior.

We will see if this keeps working....I hope to god it is not a blip.

All of you I DEEPLY WANT TO THANK. :applause: :hug:



General Discussion / Must, must See---4 stages of codependency recovery.
« on: February 03, 2015, 04:55:34 PM »
Ross Rosenberg has this awesome, very helpful paradigm that describes the very concrete, tough stages of recovery. I find this really helpful and fascinating. Let me know what you think.

Short version

Long version

General Discussion / Empathy for my father (not like it seems)
« on: January 22, 2015, 12:32:53 PM »
Today is my Father's 70 birthday. I have been NC for almost 2 years. This is a very troubled person that has the relational skills of a 3 year old, though he tries to conceal this handicap it by being a Narcissist.

Well he has had some close calls to death (health wise), and he would be dead if I not had stepped in and intervened. He and I do have a very deep agreement about end of life issues, including DNR, medical directives. Before I was forced into NC, I told him that I would do everything I could to no have him suffer lingering agony. He was very open to moving to an assisted suicide state (should disability become terminal) and by declaring himself to be a Christian Scientist (not true) to avoid life prolonging medication. The thing is, he does not want to linger in a hopeless, human shell state, when the time comes. I totally got that.

The problem is, he gave my sociopath brother full power of attorney. And he finally broke the straw in a severe way with me. I have empathy, because my brother will permit neglect and profound suffering---letting humanitarian crisis ensue as my Father's health declines. My brother totally did this with our grandmother, and my father is well aware of it, cause he did it too.

I have empathy in that it must be terribly frightening to be vulnerable to prolonged suffering, with the prospect of neglect from your son. The only person who cared, me, has been chased off. But I had no choice. The abuse he put me through, even as an adult, forced me to fend for myself in order to not fall into psychosis. I totally have zero guilt, as it is survival for me. But it is probably terrifying for him. That is empathy.

General Discussion / What type of abuse is this? Physical, neglect, or?
« on: January 21, 2015, 01:27:07 AM »
When I was a little kid, my father used to work me in the family landscape business in the hot Texas sun, going off to drink or "whatever", leaving me with no food or water. Most of the time I was mowing, too small to pull the cord to start the mower. In 7th grade, I suffered from heat related seizures where my hands and feet would curl up. My parents told the people in the ER that it was PE in middle school--it was from being the the August son, doing labor men for grown men.

When I was 5-9, I would get up every morning to do farm work before school wile my parents went off. Often this was is ice and school (this was in the Ozarks). I was made to walk a mile to the bus stop, again many times in deep ice and snow. I was left alone after school many times from ages 5-big kid. Many times, at ages 5-9, I made my own lunches---many times there was nothing. Many times, my mom would not give me lunch money, or acted like it would break her. Many times, I had no clothes that fit.

Also, apparently, I accidentally ingested valium at 3, large quantities of beer at 4, smoke a pot pipe at 4 or 5.

But hey there were loads of books in the I wasn't not well educated.

What type of abuse is this?

General Discussion / Let's talk about psychosis and how to recover
« on: January 16, 2015, 02:12:08 PM »
I have had a number of psychotic breakdowns. I am not schizophrenic, nor bipolar, but do possess a very sensitive constitution to stress and grief. I have studied this via academic journal papers and other expert channels, and I think I have a grip on this.

1. Psychosis is an extreme dissociative state induced by intense grief or stress
2. The parts of your cortex, frontal, temporal, parietal, and occipital---that join up with one another or with deeper structures  (association areas or junctions) becomes scrambled. With all of the areas EXCEPT the frontal, this is how various auditory or visual hallucinations occur.
3. One does sustain brain damage with each cycle, the more cycles, the more damage, thus leading to more psychosis
4. Therefore, it is extremely important to self monitor and nip symptoms in the bud
5. It takes a LONG time to recover. Motivation and memory are most stubborn. Almost impossible to function in everyday life.

This was a deep source of shame for a long time. I have tried to talk about this multiple people, only to be cut off or to be stared at like a deer with the headlights. Shame on THEM. When I allow psychosis to break in---and this is by having poor boundaries, exposure to toxic people or situations, etc., then I cease functioning as a regular person, and settle in this total dreamlike dissociative state. When I stop functioning, I become extremely suicidal, because essentially this is a walking dead state.

Again, I have said before that life has to be worth living. Since I do not have family to rely on, I have to be very, very careful so I do not fall destitute or homeless, because of the nonfunctioning---essentially staring at a wall all day in psychotic flashbacks.

Of course, this "propensity" serves me greatly when I keep healthy. I am creative, very intelligent, and can solve complex problems (in science, business, or in life) that nobody else can. For instance, I cured life long genetically based hypothyroidism---ran through the females on my grandma's side like wildfire, including thyroid cancer. It was a caffeine and dairy allergy. Totally cured. I have created a very small self employment business so that I could emigrate, as my environment greatly affect my mental state. I have award winning art that is been in museums and TV. I am a good functioning human being. The world needs this badly. But I have to really watch the stress and grief so that I don't slip into nonfunctioning psychosis and substance abuse to cope with the agony.

Your thought or experiences?


Hey guys, I want to thank you in advance for everything you have offered. It is much appreciated.

I am in this awful cycle where I keep losing things, pets, and people, over and over and over.

I posted the other days how I have lived in 15 places in 10 years. And I hate moving. It seems like godda_med Tsunami makes the situation impossible to live or negotiate.
I am writing a breakup letter to my boyfriend of 2.5 years because his bad temper is stunting my growth. Good, good man---but has a lot of work to do on himself.  God, don't even ask how many I have been through.
I have had to let go of countless relationships, including all of my nuclear FOO and many "friends", because of the boundary crashing, scapegoating, and relentless toxicity. I did everything I could to negotiate, but over, and over, it was like talking to walls.
Total lack of respect.

I got "hit and run" over by a car 6 weeks ago while walking. Again, totally reckless driver...I was in the complete right of way. Ugly concussion and really beat up. What did I do to ask for this?

I will have to give up my Kitty, a stray who followed me home 9 months ago...she was only a month old, full of parasites, and was running on empty. However, because of this trauma, she has been aggressive from day one, and no amount of working with her can keep her from attacking and injuring me. My "NEW"  15th-place-in-10-years- apartment...she is getting the roof and tearing up the ceiling. I have to let her go.

But this is the 4th cat I have lost 5 years. 2 got eaten by wildlife. The other one, my abusive ex made me get rid of for no reason. 

Everything is slipping through my fingers. I cannot keep lovers, a home, or beloved pets. It is like this tsunami is on my a** nonstop.

I hate this instability. I consciously work very hard to keep things stable. I am healthy, eat right, few vices, pay my bills, nose in the grindstone. I don't go "hunting" for Duck Dynasty drama. I am really trying to keep things stable so I can complete the healing process so that life is worth living.

What  the * is going on? It seems like nothing I do is stopping this---it is like forces that are bigger than me  are running the show.

I have this boyfriend of two and a half years. He has a lot of great qualities---loyal, honest, reliable, caring, clean...but he has a *, bitchy temper a lot of the time. He just ruined a backpack trip that was supposed to be for two weeks. It was nonstop bitching and complaining....even when we were do what he wanted. This is the 3rd trip he has acted out on, and I will never go on another trip with him again.

I have confronted and set boundaries many times. I have asked that we or he do(es) therapy---but it just does not seem important to him. He tells me he is aware of sabotaging things, but that he just can't help it.

There are a lot of things I admire about him, but the low level mal contented, bitchy attitude is very triggering for me. I have a really big thing about men who yell and get pissed off, as the men in my life up until recently, including family, were very abusive.

But looking at myself---I think a lot of my growing has caused me to outgrow our relationship. I have successfully controlled much of my dysregulation, gotten into shape, and have improved a lot of areas of my life. Men, in many ways, have just brought me down. If I could find a partner that was a serious about having a clean, disciplined life as me, that would be great.

Understand, I have had to make a LOT of sacrifice that most people would find too extreme. No gluten, caffeine, or dairy....allergic to all of them. No TV or netflex. Few possessions. No high heels, credit cards, or contact lenses. No hair products, little makeup...again sensitive to a lot of things being an rehabbed person with aspergers. I will say that I look really damn good and I am in the best shape in my life. Responsible, but very austere.

But let me tell you...after 30, when habits become entrenched, I am finding that most men have behaviors too unhealthy to be around. When you work hard at becoming healthy, you realize what a small club you are in. 

Life in the US was just too stressful. With the really bad (toxic) food, terrible access to health care, the fact that I could not find steady work as a professor or scientist despite applying to over a 1000 places and having a stellar recommendations and a huge set of skills, the fact of being mentally ill and nearly homeless, despite desperately trying to get out of the sh!t hole I found myself. The crappy, crappy family. Care taking for years and setting up end of life care for 4 people. Worthless exes with zero empathy. And then the politics. I wanted OUT 10 years ago. I made it happen almost a year ago.

I am so disgusted that I will never move back. I almost starved to death in the US. I did everything right, nose in grindstone, took care of family, stayed out of debt (except for student loans, the bastards, 8 scholarships could not cover racing tuition), and the system completely failed me.

It seems like everything was set up for me to fail there.

I come down here, where there are tons of poor people who have been though endless coups, currency deaths, boundary name it, and I relate with these people here far more than with my own culture. Imagine being told "good morning"a dozen times a day.  Imagine people, in almost every town or city, making eye contact and wishing you a happy new year. Or making sure you get to where you need to be. Or having a huge preponderance of well adjusted families with well adjusted little kids.  Men who are respectful.

Guys, you just don't have the amount of dysfunction and abuse down here. People MUST be reliable and trustworthy, because this accounts for great social wealth here. The government may fail, but the social structure never will, and it is a very secure safety net. The narcissists and sociopaths get weeded out real quick. The family system monitors child progress like a hawk compared to many westernized countries. Many people dote over one child.

I was so lonely in the US. Here, I have a zillion friends. A zillion strong mommy figures---great, strong older women looking out for me and others. I can walk the streets in most places, no matter how rich or poor, and not be bothered by anybody.

The police and helpful and walk the beat, making relationships with the people in the neighborhood. The military does public works, sets up festivals, and plays in bands. I have not seen one shakedown.

I think I am developing object constancy here.


General Discussion / I have moved 15 times in exactly 10 years
« on: January 06, 2015, 02:29:38 PM »
Hey guys. I have moved one again this week to a new apartment here in South America. I had lost count, so I took a tally of how  many times I moved. 15 times in 10 years.

Most of the time, the sh!t hits the fan, like bad neighbors move in, etc., and the situation becomes unbearable. Other times were temporary venues for a transition to what I always think is permanent housing---which never is.

I know that moving so many times is a reflection of something going on inside of me.

Can anybody offer insights?  I honestly hate moving. 

I live in South America in a pedestrian European like city. I was struck walking by a hit and run car last Wednesday and got a bleeding concussion and was really beat up.

The beautiful Ecuadorian emergency responders were so nurturing and professional, they probably saved my life. I did a lot of post nursing care myself, and it appears that this minor traumatic brain injury on my frontal region will have minor, if any effects, because of all the care (including my own). I am recovering.

I have zero trauma from being hit. In fact, I remember grinning when I came to because the police, paramedics, and surgeon were all incredibly handsome gentlemen. It was just like a movie...waking up, and having these Brad Pitt level hot dudes asking me what they could do. So my humor and reframing, and the hot men, saved and trauma.

I have had an outpouring of love and support. However, my incredibly insensitive father and my brother haven't given a crap to contact me.   Aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, but not my own father. This is what hurts. What worthless scum.

General Discussion / My list of boundaries
« on: December 02, 2014, 12:52:36 PM »
Ever since I learned what a boundary was 3 years ago, I have cultivated a list of 4 that I want to share. More may be added, but this is what I have come up with so far.

1. Issues with lying
-----That is, compulsively misrepresenting oneself and/or circumstances.
------Why? Because you have to know whom you are dealing with to make informed choices. When somebody lies, they have taken that choice away from you
2. Issues with addiction
----That is, involvement with a compulsive activity that affects one's job, home, finances, or relationships. Not just substances.
------Why? Because addictions always involve narcissistic, selfish behavior. This is always lying (boundary #1), a lack of empathy for those affected (boundary #3) and recklessness (boundary #4).

3. Problems processing empathy.
-----Why? If  a person has issues "getting you" and seeing your point of view, there is a loose screw and I need to distance myself. If you have to explain repeatedly your point of view, cause that just ain't getting it, time to RUN. You will always be at the short end of the stick, because people who are empathetic make efforts to understand your perspective.

4. Problems with reckless behavior.
-----Part of this is typical anti social destructive behavior like DWI, wild spending, taking dangerous risks, etc. That is always a liability.

However,  as a caregiver for elderly or infirm family in the past, a lot of these people revert to childlike behavior and become reckless. Examples are driving when under medication or mental impairment, not eating, letting an infection or illness escalate from something minor to something life threatening, leaving the stove on, etc. These people have needs far greater than what any one person can offer, and need to be in an assisted care facility. I personally cannot handle this behavior any more. I did it many times to great damage to myself, and somebody else needs to handle it.


As a result of sticking to my guns, I have had to let many, many toxic people go, including  all of my FOO. Understand, I am the devil incarnate to these people, but I could give a rat's * at this point. They had their chance, and blew it.

But as a result, much stress has been lifted off and I am recovering in major ways every day. And I have healthier relationships.

 How about you? What are your boundaries?

Therapy / Boy, this Tapping EFT stuff WORKS!!!
« on: December 01, 2014, 02:35:45 PM »
About a week ago, somebody shared a link from

I watch and followed all of the videos, some several times, from start to end, carefully following instructions.

Man, this stuff works. Yesterday, I was having this nasty batch of EFs. Well, when one started, I did the routine. There is a nasty constricted pit in the stomach feeling associated. Well, after the first batch I got the constriction down to a "niggling" small burning point in my gut.

GET THIS...a few minutes later, another EF #2, which was "linked" to EF #1 came raging. Did the same thing, and the constriction feeling moved up, like when my esophagus or upper stomach would be. And tapped that away.

Well, them EF#3 and EF#4 came up in a few minutes succession after the prior EFs had been tapped away. I discovered something that I think might be important for ya'll.

The 4 EFs were linked together, each having a nasty feeling point in different areas of my gut. So they would activate in tandem, like a chorus, and shut me down  with the intensity of the 4 sets flashbacks themselves, as well as agonizing multifaceted pain in my gut (which I perceived as one big crappy pain unit before untangling them out).

So 4 agonizing EFs, chained together, make for a nasty, resistant, exhausting episode. And I tapped them away.

It came back last night when sleeping. woke me up. I tapped it away.

I am a scientist and I read up what few journal article there were on it. It is effective, but for unclear reasons.

I think that it has to do with having strong mindfulness facilitated with tactile stimulation, for which you keep remind yourself of the emotion you are having. I honestly do not think that it is related to acupuncture meridians (I have studied acupuncture).

Try it! Be sure to stick with it and do it over and over. Let us know how it works for you.

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