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Topics - PureJoy

#1
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello
September 05, 2014, 01:12:41 PM
First, please understand that my username does not reflect my current status.  It is a state of being that I truly would like to reach, though.  Ironically, my parents gave me a name that means "Pure Joy".  But my life with them was anything but joy.  My mother recently passed away and was diagnosed with BPD (and other PDs) only two weeks  before her death.  My sister and I had already known in our hearts and minds that she had severe problems.  I was the scapegoat in my family all my life (almost 60 years old).  My older brother and sister have alternated being the golden child.  My dad was the enabler and mostly just ignored us kids and tried to stay out of my mother's wrath.  He passed away 3 years ago, and had in more recent years  tried very hard to connect with us kids.  It made a huge difference in how I viewed him and related with him, and now I miss him so much. 

My heart goes out to each of you suffering CPTSD and I pray we all can recover.  As the definition of CPTSD indicates, my problems are the build up of a lifetime of traumas.  Most of the time I am so overwhelmed by which fire to put out that I retreat and basically cover my head. 

I was caregiver to my parents for the last 6 years and it has taken a toll on me that I never dreamed would happen.  I have mostly shut down, only going to the grocery store and post office (with terrible dread) when I absolutely have to.  It takes me days to get the courage to get ready and get out the door.  If my husband is home to go with me, it is much easier, but still a dreaded chore.  I am pretty terrified of most people, including my oldest daughter and my sister.

Well, I didn't mean to ramble on.  I am so grateful for this site and again I thank you Kizzie.  I hope everyone has a good day and a victorious one making progress toward healing.