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Topics - morph

#1
Hello everyone.   Haven't been here for a week or so because I had to take my family to the beach.  (Hard life)

I took the opportunity to get into Peter Walker's book which in many respects is extremely insightful.   He seems to cover all aspects of CPTSD which is good but in some ways its tricky to know where to start.  Its 'difficult to see the wood for the trees' and I find that quite terrifying.   I was so happy to have come to roost when I found out about complex PTSD but now I feel or can see so more clearly what is wrong in my life that it all looks a bit daunting - almost impossible.

Years and years of compounding the problems caused by my childhood are not going to get a quick fix if ever they will be at all.  I think that 1/2 understanding what happens to me with EFs and negative thinking are causing me to spend more time in self contemplation than before.  This is very tiresome and frankly I feel like I need a holiday!

Mr Walker also has an answer for everything.  This is part of the 2 steps forward, 1 back process I guess.  I just hope that I'm on the right road at last because it looks like a long one starting off with a long tunnel.  Its all a bit emotionally draining and I've only just started scratching the surface.

Well, there enough metaphors for a while!  Hope someone can relate to what I'm trying to say.

#2
A couple of nights ago my wife became annoyed ostensibly because our maid had locked the bedroom door and we didn't have a key to get in.  She became more and more worked up including shouting at me and my eldest daughter, slamming things around. hitting herself (with frustration),  I found it quite unsettling but my daughter said she thought it was quite amusing.  Eventually she went into the younger kids bedroom and continued to rant, therefore waking them up.

At this point I kicked our bedroom door in and felt justified puling my wife physically out of the kids room.  Whilst I was doing this I realised that I wanted to shake some sense into her, punish her maybe and had I been drinking may have physically hit her. I didn't, thank god, although to my chagrin I have done so in the past.  After that we all settled down and went to bed peaceably.

The next morning I spoke to my wife quietly about trying to control her moods when this happens.  She said she can't do anything about it but I asked her again, to just try.   Now 36 hours after the event I still feel strange.  I feel unable to communicate with my wife (maybe for fear that it will end up in another fight).  I'm not really sure what I feel to be honest.  I don't want to go out of the house, although I will later.   I don't have energy, I feel empty and alone.

Everyone else has put this incidence behind them but for me it's still at the forefront of my mind.  I guess I feel wronged and want some justice or something.  Maybe I'm feeling shame for wanting to harm her.

Does this feeling I'm having fall into the category of EF?
I can't easily recall incidences from my childhood that are reminiscent of this.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hello. I've landed
December 05, 2014, 04:02:00 AM
I joined the outofthefog forum as 'morphingjail' some time ago and on my 'welcome thread' someone suggested that maybe I should be looking at cPTSD.   Not being accustomed to taking things at face value, I then started to look into it.  2 months later, and here I am.  Thank you Rosie.   This so accurately defines my predicament.   I'm hoping that I can find some good advice here and that I may be able to help some people on the way.   At least we are "on the same page" so to speak.

I'm in my 50's and have recently come to the realization that there is probably a cause for my dysphoria:  'per se' my mother.  It would have been embarrassing 35 years ago to admit this and be crying about my mother and therefore I never did.   But after several decades I haven't been able to "get over it", so I'm going to start now!   If that's OK with you!?   

One of the reasons I haven't addressed this before in my life is that it was hidden and covered up with a chronic all pervading zeal.   No stone was left unturned to show the world what a perfect matriarch our family had.   I wish I could say that I was beaten, starved, sexually abused but I cannot fire those arrows of blame.   The least pathetic thing I can say at this point; is that one of the main impetus for me seeking help is that I don't want my children to grow up with the same dysfunctionalities that I have.

For the last few weeks I have been getting free weekly online counseling from a 'non profit' org.   Got to say that if I was paying, I would be very pissed off!   But free is quite important to me as I tend to stress rather a lot about financial security and something is better than nothing!

It appears cPTSD has had very little air time especially when I consider how well it encompasses my feelings and experiences.   Its obvious link with 'battle trauma' steered me away  from even considering it.   Having now found it I have high hopes that I can begin to get some serenity in life.

Thanks for starting this forum.