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Since I have been in recovery and working on my CPTSD, I am going through something that I have never felt so strongly.  Could be because I am not numbing anymore but man is it rough.

Here's the story.  I met a lady about a month ago and we have been on 3 dates. We really it it off well and truly enjoyed each other's company.  We are about the same age and have both been separated from our spouses for about a year and neither one of us have been in a meaningful relationship since then.  My fears of rejection right now are almost debilitating.  I send her a text and if she doesn't reply within a given period of time, the negative thoughts begin.  See proof she doesn't want to see me, as I expected she's seeing someone else etc etc based on...absolutely nothing.  Then she replies and my feelings subside and then I reply and here we go again.  It is just awful.  I asked her to go out on Wed and she said she would love to but she may have friends coming in from out of town.  Logically, I think ok makes sense, she has only known me for a month and she does actually have a life.  But then the negative self talker kicks in and it says, well if she really cared she would make time in her life for me, or figures probably another guy and on it goes.  A year ago I would have numbed by acting out and all would have been well.  Now though the power of these emotions is overwhelming.  It s not even like I have a relationship to destroy but I would certainly like to explore it to see where it goes and I am fearful that I will ruin it before it even begins.  Sigh - any ideas would be helpful.  Thanks for listening.

Here we go with my first journal entry.

I have an addiction. No not the usual substance abuse, rather one that comes from the deepest part of my soul that has been eroded to such a degree that I hurt those that I love the most. I won't get into the details as they can be found in another thread. More importantly though, my addiction has been driven by fear, resentment, self pity, self loathing, guilt and shame. With the help of 12 step, my higher power and my counsellor I am moving forward. I am in month 5 of sobriety and feel much better about myself and everything in my life. I am still saddled with feelings of resentment, fear (of the future) and self pity but at least I can identify them now and work on the CPTSD aspects.

My latest resentments have been towards my father for not being there for me when I needed him the most. Intellectually I know he was working to bring up 5 kids as a widower but as a 7 year old I needed someone to love me. So when he talks about how proud he is of me and how good our life is I can't help but feel resentful because in my heart I keep thinking how tough it was with that longing I had to be loved and how afraid I was of being alone.

Next up is my wife (soon to be ex- her choice not mine). So when she had cancer, I was 100% with her, supporting her, being with her and doing whatever it was that she needed. Now I am in a situation where a bit of support would go a long way and she wants a divorce. Now I understand that it sounds like self pity and it is. I also know that my addiction is a bit different than having cancer. I am also very aware that by her asking me to leave the house is actually the right thing for her to have done. Had I stayed in the house I would never have embarked on this journey of healing. So rather than be resentful I should be thankful.... and I am but but I am also resentful. I need to get past that.

Hello,

So my wife of 14 years and I separated last December - more correctly she asked me to leave the house.

I have been diagnosed with CPTSD following the discovery of my Mom passed away in her bed from natural (but premature) causes when I was 7.  I also underwent a number of surgeries to correct a birth defect from age 3-15 and then when I was in my thirties I found out I was infertile.

My whole life has been spent seeking approval from others and then pushing them away because of fear of rejection.  I would also try and control those around me especially those that  loved.  As the years passed I developed an addiction to internet pornography which morphed into seeking solace from escorts and massage parlours - in other words an addiction to sex and lust. 

In December, my wife confronted me with my stash of internet pornography movies that I had downloaded onto an external hard drive.  She said that she could not have me in the same house as her and our son (11) and that I had to leave until she figured out what she wanted to do.  She said as of that date she considered us separated.  I did as she asked.  In the meantime I have joined a 12 step program for the addiction, sought spiritual guidance and was actually honest with my counsellor.  Things are actually going quite well right now.  I have been sober since the day I left and my son stays with me every second week.  Now that I have been sober, many of the other symptoms that drove the addiction are surfacing, low self esteem, resentment, fear, guilt, shame and self pity are all pretty regular companions of mine and I am learning how to cope with them when they surface.

In the meantime, my wife has started formal separation proceedings so we are headed down that path.  I would desperately love to reconcile and get back together because I really do love her.  As I explained to her the addiction was not about her.  That said, I fully appreciate how devastating and traumatic this was for her.  For me it was a relief to get caught, for her it was horrible.  Thankfully she is seeing a counsellor as well.

I would welcome any thoughts or experience in similar situations as to what I might do (or not do) to see if we can reconcile. 

Thanks in advance

Oreo

There are 3 major life events that I recall so far starting at age 3, that I had no control over. As I am reflecting on the rest of my life I realize that I had significant control issues. In my professional life it served me well so reinforced the behaviours. Personally I was a mess even though I couldn't show it. I had to be the strong man that I thought everyone expected, I had to be flawless in whatever I did and if there was a risk I might fail, I just didn't do it. I must have missed out on so much.
I am in the midst of recovery and when things are going well, I can give up control but in a stressful situation, I do my best to try and control everything to get what I think I need. It never works.

I need to work on having more faith that things will work out. I need to work on letting go of the past and the resentment of things I could not control. Looking forward to moving forward.

Oreo..

Thanks all for the kind welcome.  Here is my story...or at least most of it.

I am a 58 yr old male currently separated from my wife of 14 years.  We have an 11 yr old son that stays with me (thankfully) every second week. I have recently been diagnosed by my counsellor as having CPTSD.  It was uncovered as we engaged in a series of dialogues over the last 3 years culminating in Dec 2015 by a major life event brought about by CPTSD.

When I was 3 I underwent a number of significant surgeries to correct a birth defect.  These surgeries went on every 3 or 4 years until I was about 12 or so and I had a "tune up" when I was in my mid thirties.  My parents never really talked about what my defect was and when I asked, it was deflected.  So really all I knew was that I wasn't "normal" even though they kept telling me i was...except for that!

When I was 7 I found my mother passed away in her bed from a brain aneurysm so I was left to tend to the needs of my 2 younger siblings while my father grieved through the bottom of a bottle.  For some reason, I was not allowed to attend her funeral. 

Then in my early thirties it was discovered that I was infertile likely connected to the surgeries. 

I went into counselling for a bit and figured I had the problems aced.  It was about abandonment so I just had to get over it was the solution provided to me.

I think overall my life was relatively normal until the last 8 years or so when it all came to a head in the form of an addiction.  My wife came aware of it in a rather shocking way in Dec and asked me to leave the house as she needed some space to figure out what to do.

Now that I am starting to stabilize a bit, I think her asking me to leave the house was the greatest gift she could have offered.  It forced me to come to terms with what I now know as CPTSD.  I am in a 12 step to help with the addiction but I am finding, at least for now, that it seems to be secondary to me.  Now that I am aware of CPTSD and this forum and my counsellor, I feel that for the first time in my life I belong somewhere. 

I have been looking through the various boards and can identify with many of the topics being discussed.  Not that i wish this on anyone but I am thankful that there are others like me!

Thanks for being here.

Oreo

Hello all,

This is my first post so I don't know if I am doing this right.  I am happy to share more and will do so once I know I am on the right track.

Thanks

oreo