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Topics - Otillie

#1
This isn't my first post here; I've posted a little bit before, here and there.

But I wanted to introduce myself because I'm aching to have more time with folks like you in my life.

I posted in a different support group for years, and it was wonderful, and I met people I cared about, still do. Other trauma survivors. But the group changed -- I mean, groups do that, members come and go, it happens -- and I don't feel at home there in the current iteration.

And I've felt the loss. I didn't even realize how much it meant to me to know people whose brains worked like mine does. To not be the weirdest one in the room. Until it was gone.

I've posted here and there on other boards, looking for community. Mistake. It's made me remember why I felt alone until I first met other trauma people.

So here I am, because when I read everyone's posts here, that restless achy flailing "but-there-must-be-someone-who-doesn't-stare-at-me-like-a-space-alien" feeling . . . calms down a little, and I breathe a little, and I don't feel so alone.

So hi! I survived the world's weirdest childhood. My dad abused me sexually, my mom abused me emotionally, both of them neglected me -- Dad was drinking all the time, and Mom had her own apartment where she stayed six days a week. (They couldn't get divorced because neither wanted custody.) Mom's probably an undiagnosed N. She remains in my life, at a distance. Dad died two years ago.

Of the two, I think Mom left more damage.

I'm 59. I've had 30 years of therapy (this July, it will be my 30th anniversary with T! She is "my other mother, the good one," I am unspeakably lucky in her). In the big picture -- well, I'm proud of my life. I love my career. I live alone and work at home. My house is the last one on a dead-end dirt road surrounded by woods. I have (this is sooooo weird, I cannot tell you) a wonderful long-distance relationship of 14 years. (I have never met anyone in a relationship that lasted this long, at least not one where the two people still liked each other.)

In the small picture, the day-to-day: My trauma remains my constant companion. I struggle with moods, with EFs, with misophonia, with anxiety -- with want to belong and being so scared to.

So, um, yeah. Hi.