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My mother physically abused me as a baby and as an infant (early 1960's)
My parent's marriage, following her pregnancy, was strained and very unhappy. My mother explained to me (in my thirties) that she had to hit me to make me cry so that I'd go to sleep

Several years ago I tackled her on this shortly before she died. I asked her why she'd hit me and she said, 'it seemed to work.'

She said (by way of compensation) that I didn't go without my cuddles; she used to hold me, once she'd hit me, 'until I went limp'.

Cut to 58 years later and I can't find the root cause for my ptsd, which is triggered by noise. Until this morning, when I had my third session of EDMR.

I realised that my terror of noise was because it was the pre-cursor to getting hit, or the sound of actually being hit. After I was hit I was restrained, trapped, held, smothered, until I stopped struggling. I learnt I could not avoid hurt and that only surrender worked

The psychological damage she did was appalling.

She remained a child for the rest of her life. I was her parent right up until she died.

After many years of hard work my life might finally be getting to a good place......which is a good thing, but it feels as if my body has totally collapsed. I am experiencing the loss of tension; the easing up of anxiety, the acceptance past traumas as a total body collapse. It feels almost luxurious, to waste time numbing out over how relaxed I feel. I am very, very tired and move around like a zombie but there is little medically wrong with me.
I just feel as though I'm experiencing absence of tension for the first time and there's nothing else  holding me up....almost exactly like the joke about how nice it feels when you stop hitting your head on a brick wall.
Has anyone else felt this? Am I somehow disassociating? Am I connecting with how lovely and heavy my body feels instead of fighting it?

Weird. If I were a ship I'd be becalmed.....

Hi there,
I haven't posted for a while but I've being constantly trying  (like all of us) to manage fear, anxiety, memory and recovery. Noise is my chief trigger, and fear of triggering controls my life.

Last night I watched Jaws and thoroughly enjoyed it. I went to bed unrelaxed and on the alert. The noise of the traffic outside frightened me, it sounded aggressive. And then all of a sudden I was back in bed as a child, terrified of my father's anger.

I saw it, clear as day - the connection, long obscured, between my fear of noise and my father's anger. Everything finally fell into place.

I've circled the same problem for years and years but the final insight never came - until last night, when I saw myself in bed, in my bedroom, terrified of my father's anger. THIS is why I'm afraid, this is why it happened, this is how it happens. These are real and true memories and I've made the connections and come up with a reason that FITS TOGETHER.

I know I'll still trigger but I have the final piece of the puzzle and that is a great comfort, and a great achievement

I've finally pieced together troubling memories by getting my mother to talk about the time when she was ill. She told me she had to hit me to make me cry so that I'd go to sleep.
I was two years old, she used to bash my head. I remember blood once.
I asked her about why she hit me and she said 'it seemed to work'
She used to hit me. I would cry then she cuddled me until, in her words, 'You went limp'.

I can't think of anything more likely to crush a mother-daughter bond than to be hit and then held until you give up struggling.

It might account for the strong feelings of emotional suffocation I've always felt around my mother.

I've written here on other threads about my sickening fear of noise, how it triggers my emotional flashbacks. I have a great deal more understanding now, than I had before. I'd just like to share something I did which was so positive, it really built me up!
I live over the road from a pub. It is fair and reasonable for an 'adult' to expect a certain amount of noise from a pub, even a local country pub, like this one. It's recently changed hands and they celebrated one night with a raucous karaoke party. I was triggered and terrified but knew to react when I was calmer and not in the heat of a flashback.
The next day, although feeling sick, I eventually rang the pub....I'd already worked out how to let them know I'd been kept awake without being unfriendly.
"Bloody *,' I said, 'you guys know how to party!"
He apologised profusely, explained and we got chatting and laughing. Thinking how I could better manage my phobia I suggested that the pub hold a "meet the neighbours' social and he thought it
was a great idea. It was a great success and the pub now has them monthly. I've met my neighbours and made new friends at the pub.
I haven't cured my fear of noise but last month I slept through the karaoke! Albeit wit double glazing ear plugs and a fan BUT it's a massive, massive success!

Anyone else find great weather triggers them? I've just had the most massive EF to being 17 and feeling so bereft I starved myself. I don't think I consciously wanted to die but I knew I couldnt  live. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't live and nobody noticed. Nobody noticed I was starving myself. How can you be so alone in your family that no one notices you'd rather waste away than live? I had to hide my shameful self away
Good weather meant being young and carefree and out there and social and sexual. It meant being in love with life and opportunity. I couldn't do that because my dad terrified me and my mum was pathetic and weak. They barely tolerated me being 'perfect' and quiet. Dad was hostile, angry and bitter. Mum was defeated and childish.
I am now, at 55, hiding in my bedroom with the curtains drawn and the electric fan on high, hiding because I don't want to trigger again
I have so much sorrow and fear for that poor unreachable girl who was too good to know she was suicidal. She's finally talking to me after all these years silence. She's telling me she can't go out because she can't go with the others. She's not allowed to grow up. She's not allowed to leave home. Dad would be too angry, mum would be too needy and she doesn't know how to do it.
Hide away, and hide the shame that comes with hiding. Not only is she hiding she's ashamed of needing to hide. No one cares, no one in the world cares

This sounds so simplistic I'm almost afraid to post it. I love good strong coffee and usually brew it fresh from the bean every morning. I noticed it made my heart race but, hey...you need a kick start in the morning.........until I noticed it was actually helping to trigger flashbacks. Or, at least, the racing heart was telling my body it was in its threat zone....so a flashback was more that likely.
I've stopped drinking early morning coffee and that, combined with plenty of breathing exercises, REALLY helps.
Not saying it's a cure ...but not starting the day with a galloping heart seems to lessen the threat and help with anxiety/fear.

I had an interesting reaction from my sulky 26 year old stepdaughter. My good friends have been supportive, undramatic, interested, pragmatic and have faith in me that I am doing my best and will progress. My sulky stepdaughter listened to a conversation (with friends) where I gently mentioned I'd been receiving treatment for PTSD and completely ignored it.
Now I would have thought it was a fairly major family announcement. But no, she was in a mood with me about her dismal boyfriend and decided to pay me back by sitting staring ahead, arms folded and bottom lip jutting out.
I don't expect flowers but some sense of concern would have been nice. I was extremely hurt. She should know better. Even if she is annoyed with me she should get over herself.
Was that invalidation I just experienced? 😉

Is anybody else triggered by noise? I don't mean general noise but certain types of specific noise?

Hi, I'm new to this forum as I've only recently found out the 'phobia' I had about noise was actually an emotional flashback to infancy when my trauma happened.
Despite this realisation I'm still terrified of noise...we've recently moved into a beautiful new house and every noise terrifies me. I'm trying to self soothe but feel overwhelmed and frightened all the time. Any advice, words of comfort greatly needed and appreciated!
I'm on a course for PTSD stabilisation.