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Topics - LanaBanana

#1
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Not feeling well
June 17, 2016, 06:00:02 PM
Hey all,

I'm sorry for not posting on here these past couple of days, there are a lot of topics that I haven't read. I haven't been feeling very well and I don't know what to do.  I haven't been able to eat, any food I eat tastes bland and I feel nauseous. I'm really tired and worn down right now and I don't trust anyone to help me through it. My T is currently off for the summer, and I've scheduled a meeting for next week with another T, but I'm pretty ambivalent about it. I don't know how to get through the week, let alone a day, and I'm really frustrated with this whole recovery process. If anyone has any thoughts, it would be very much appreciated.  :thumbup:

Thank you for reading, I'm sorry for the rant.
#2
The Cafe / Favorite Things
June 14, 2016, 06:41:41 AM
Hey all!

Sometimes this forum can get pretty heavy, so I wanted to post a topic that's a bit lighter. What are some of your favorite things to do?


Thanks!  :)
#3
General Discussion / Friday Night Whiskey Blues
June 11, 2016, 01:31:29 AM
Tonight I feel lonely. It's one of those nights when I wish I was out having fun with friends.
I live alone and I have no friends. I've only been in this city for 1 year and a half, and I know no one. On the nights when I feel lonely, I drink whiskey because it reminds me of good times when I felt safe. I miss those times very much, even if they were few and far between in my life.

I like how quiet my apartment is, but on some nights, the silence can feel deafening. On some nights, I'd like to hear some noise, I'd like to feel connected to the world around me, to have fun with people and let go of my anxiety, my fears and worries. But when I'm around people, it's hard not to feel that hollow silence inside of me, that empty feeling that I try so hard to fill.

Tonight,  I'm wearing a green dress and heels, I've got lipstick on, and I've sitting alone drinking whiskey. Tonight, I'm wondering how my life ended up like this and why I seem to always be alone. Tonight, I feel hollow and empty, and I'm trying to fill that void with whiskey.

I'm sorry for the depressing post. Thanks for reading!
#4
Having C-PTSD can get pretty dark at times, and the abuse, neglect, and abandonment we've suffered can take up a huge part of our lives. I wanted to write this to remind myself that there are still kind people out there. This is a letter to some of the people who've helped me and had a positive impact in my life.


  • To my best friend,

You are gone now, but you will not be forgotten. Thank you for being there for me when I was trying to leave my broken home. Thank you for taking me in, that one night when I was 16 and had no place to go. I was soaking-wet, it was freezing rain outside, and you offered me a safe place to stay and some whiskey. Thank you for the endless talks we had, for listening to me rant about my pain, for the deep conversations about everything and nothing. Thank you for the laughs, for the silliness, the drunk fun we had playing Twister and signing karaoke. Thank you for the amazing times we had together, whether it was going on a cheap trip to New York or talking in bed until 2 am. We both ended up in abusive relationships, and we ended up parting ways over this, but you will always be a part of me. You were the only person in my life who saw me for who I really was and accepted me, and for that, I am truly grateful.


  • To my Therapist,

I am so glad I have found a therapist who has been able to understand my situation and provide me with much needed help. You have been amazing to work with and have listened to my story with empathy and compassion. Thank you for validating my feelings and experiences, and for believing in me. Thank you for working with me on my recovery and trusting in my abilities. Thank you for providing me with all the tools necessary for my recovery. Thank you for being there for me in time of need. You may be on vacation right now, but knowing that you'll be back in a couple of months and available to start up therapy again with me is a huge help. Having a trusted person in time of need is an amazing gift, thank you for being there for me.


  • To the guys in my MMA class,

You provided a safe environment for me when I didn't feel safe in my own body, and you were there for me during a really tough time in my life. I was overeating, oversleeping, having flashbacks and sleep paralysis nightmares, sobbing uncontrollably and dealing with anxiety and panic attacks, and having mind-numbing headaches and migraines and chest pains. But through all of that, going to this class every week always managed to make me feel a little better and put a smile on my face. To my teacher, thank you for believing in my abilities and providing alternative moves for me to practice when my light weight posed a clear disadvantage. It really built my confidence in my own skills. To my colleagues who have drilled and sparred with me, thank you for understanding my triggers and being patient with me when I had panic attacks. Thank you for asking me what I needed and for taking your time with me. Thank you for treating me as an equal even if I lacked experience. This class has made me feel like a human being again and has allowed me to be more in-touch with my body, and I look forward to it every week.


  • Lastly, to the people on this forum,

I am so happy that I found this place. The support I am receiving has been overwhelmingly positive and I thank all of you for it. I have been reading some of the stories on here, and have been so touched by them. The pain, loneliness, and abuse that all of you have gone through is hard to read at times, but it resonates with me so much. It helps knowing that I am not alone for having gone through years of trauma and trying to recover from it. I think everyone on this forum is incredibly strong for having gone through this and trying to find ways to deal with it and break the cycle of abuse. Thank you for taking the time to read and answer these posts, for validating the feelings expressed here in writing, and for providing online resources and sharing healing tips. This is the first online forum I have ever joined, and I am so grateful to be here.

Thank you for reading!  :)

#5
General Discussion / Need advice?
June 09, 2016, 06:25:58 AM
I don't know where I should post this or if this matters at all, but I'm facing a dilemma and I don't know what I should do. I am taking some summer classes at my university and it's been rather hard to deal with my panic attacks and follow my courses. This one particular course, although really interesting, demands a lot of work (a lot of papers, etc.) I've had problems and anxiety with writing academic papers due to some of my FOO's abuse (I come from a strict family of academics) and have talked about it a bit with my T. I feel that I took on too much of a work load by signing up to this class, and I don't know if I should drop out or not (there can be no refund at this point, but I have no academic penalties if I withdraw from the class). It also seems that the professor triggers me, and I've had to leave the class a couple of times because of panic attacks.

I don't know if this is a stupid subject, but what should I do? Should I withdraw from the class or should I continue it? 
Feeling a bit overwhelmed... I'm sorry if this post seems whiny  :stars:
#6
General Discussion / Freeze-Fawn Type
June 07, 2016, 09:29:06 PM
Hey all!  :)

So I've just discovered that I am a freeze-fawn combination and I was wondering if anyone else shares this as well? I've read Walker's descriptions for both the Fawn and the Freeze type, but I'm interested in the interaction between the two. Is there any information specifically on the freeze-fawn type? Also, if anyone relates to this type and would like to share their story, that would be great!

Thanks!  :thumbup:
#7
Hi,
I'm pretty anxious about sharing parts of my story online and it's my first time posting a recovery journal, so I don't really know what to expect and I'm a bit nervous. So here it goes:

What I'm recovering from:
*Years of living with a narcissistic Father who was physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive, and emotionally neglectful towards both my Mother and I, but especially me.
*An overall very cold environment with very little room to express my identity and grow as a person.
*Being the scapegoat of my FOO, where my F's abuse got blamed solely on me.
*Being a parent to my M who enabled my F's behavior and relied on me for support.
*Being in a subsequent 2 year relationship with an emotionally abusive guy (called X here in this post).
*Being sexually assaulted by X. I only remember certain things, but it is mostly blank.
*The pregnancy as a result of the sexual abuse, and abortion that I had to go through.
*Current Panic Attacks that are triggered by people and noise.
*Isolation as a result of the abusive relationship, but also self-imposed.

Steps towards my recovery:
1. I have been seeing a Therapist who has been amazing. T is taking the summer off and I do not trust any other T (a bit paranoid) to handle my recovery. I have only been seeing this T for a couple of months, so I've just started this recovery process.
2. I have been following a self-care routine and taking care of myself and my apartment to feel safe.
3. I have been trying to allow myself to feel my panic attacks. It's harder than I thought. From living in an abusive environment, I have spent years repressing how I felt and not allowing myself to feel things. When I have a panic attack and repress it, it causes me very strong headaches and migraines.
4. I have been developing new interests and discovering who I am and what I like, as I could not previously do this. I have been talking a mixed martial arts class that has helped me with my recovery process as well, and allowed me to explore talking to people too (baby-steps).

I think that's about all so far, I'd be open to suggestions on ways to improve my recovery.  :thumbup:
It's only been a couple of months of therapy, and it's also only been a couple of months since my abusive relationship ended, so I am still dealing with a lot of emotional flashbacks and anxiety as well. I am trying to take it one day at a time, and I'm doing things slowly, so please bear with me, these past couple of months have been hard.

Thank you for reading!  :)
I hope this journal entry wasn't too depressing  ???
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi, I'm new here
June 06, 2016, 12:45:11 AM
Hi,

I'm new here and I thought I'd introduce myself. I'm LanaBanana, I'm 21 years old and I am pretty sure I have C-PTSD from years of abuse. I am currently in therapy and healing. Reading through some of the posts on this forum has been really eye-opening for me and I'm glad I found this website.
Thank you so much for this!  :disappear: