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Topics - Contessa

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Hi, I haven't been here for a very long time. I check in and read occasionally, and respond very occasionally to a post or two.

But I have managed to trigger myself and am feeling very strange and unsettled. My thoughts and feelings are not lining up and am feeling control and certainty beginning to slip.

I think I am strong enough to hold on and not spiral out, but also, after everything can never be certain.

I don't know what else to say but thank you for reading. You're the only people I know who truly get this.


Parenting (Children, Teens & Adult Children) / I will never be a parent
« on: January 24, 2020, 05:04:57 AM »
*TW - loss of pregnancy*

Just got triggered and am struggling.

Head not clear to go into any comprehensible detail, but my quest for motherhood has been dealt yet another blow.

Long story short, after a long journey of survival to return to a good place... And then pursue my dream of motherhood... Well

My years of trauma began when I lost a baby. A suprise but much wanted and much loved baby that was never to be. After about 8 years of fighting for my survival I finally got to a place where I could pursue motherhood again on my own.

Too late, I am now infertile. Spent a lot of time and money on treatment which needed to be done to gain some sort of closure.

Best alternative is to pursue being a foster mum, and I was looking forward to that. There is a massive shortage of foster parents for children in need.

I have been knocked back because I have suffered too much trauma, and it is considered a huge risk to my mental health. I have been triggered by this and am utterly devastated.

I am too damaged. We've come full circle with the fight to get back to where I wanted to be, and because of that fight i'm now too damaged to do what I ultimately fought to live for.

That's my little emotional crutch now, and I have to sit with that latest blow.

General Discussion / Lonely
« on: January 11, 2020, 02:50:14 AM »
Just lonely.

10 years of being alone. Still going backwards.

I just don't know.

Employment / Unhelpful management
« on: June 21, 2019, 04:25:00 AM »
Am hoping this story can serve as a form of affirmation around just how far we can go in our recovery.

I had an interesting day at work (school) yesterday. I was placed in a position to look after a group of youngsters who have such immense behavioural issues, that the day was impossibly ruined before we even walked in the door to start the day.

Nothing to do with me, and despite years of experience, I had no control to begin with. It was imperative to call in support from higher up to intervene and remove the main instigator/s, as the situation was getting quite dangerous.

The first intervention was needed immediately (insane). Another one was needed later. The first person to come in dealt with those involved in the situation, and it helped. The second person (the big boss) decided to immediately put me on trial instead, gave me a dressing down in front of the class, and set me a task of reading a policy booklet right then and there.

It was a cataclysmic moment designed purely to put me under the thumb rather than to deal with the real problem. Instead of feeling humiliated, I felt such joy knowing that what I was told to do was not going to happen (by sheer impracticality), and that I do not have to put up with any targeted power plays from anyone.

Making it this far in my recovery... it's a positive feeling  :bigwink:

Anybody else experience wins like this?

Tw: SA

I look around sometimes and see what I've always wanted in my life happening for others. No matter how much I tried and fought for myself, I still missed the boat. And I am also an outcast in my family. They chose my abusers over me.

So today I cannot shake the thought that the only worth I have in this world is for someone else to rape.

Other / Trauma and Infertility
« on: March 01, 2019, 06:52:21 AM »

I don't think it is the stress now that I have worked on building up my resilience. I think it is the long time it has taken to recover while enduring and recovering from DV, combined with the recurring infections associated with previous pregnancy loss and SA.

I am now infertile. I am again angry with everyone who contributed/enabled/ignored/abandoned me with abuse.

General Discussion / You're Abandoned because you help
« on: February 03, 2019, 11:36:48 AM »
Hi I'm not sure how to express this. Has anyone had this happen to them?

If a close family member is in trouble, you literally drop everything to help them. Even take leave from your job and fly interstate at a moments notice when you have a fear of flying. Nobody else does anything. Ever. But you make sure you do what you can. And you've done this several times throughout your life. And they have even come to you seeking that help.

And of all people, they abuse you, and stop talking to you while getting along with the others who did a big fat nothing to help them. You're given the silent treatment, you are told off and you are outcast.

I don't get it

Christmas & New Years / Christmas Confidence Downer
« on: December 15, 2018, 02:24:21 AM »
Having a crisis of confidence today. I don't get invited to any parties at Christmas. It's been the general trend for the last 18 years.

I've got a 'half invite' to one in a few hours. Don't want to go into it, just want to hide in a hole.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Return to Pre-trauma Industry
« on: November 15, 2018, 12:36:49 AM »
The beginning of my life with serious trauma coincided with the change of my professional industry. Looking back, just about all people involved with the trauma (family, friends, colleagues...) are connected with that industry in some shape or form, small and large.

This year I returned to work in the industry that I was employed in before the traumas. Not just the industry, but the same old workplaces and colleagues as well as new. Over the last several weeks, one colleague has mentioned several times that I am always cool, calm and in control whenever crisis hits. She pointed out that on the surface I do not flinch, so I thought about it and realised that there is no flinching below the surface either. Then I thought, "Hang on!? I'm the one with cptsd!" (nobody knows I have it there, it is not in any way necessary to disclose... yet)

Completely the opposite to the last six years. It's like I took a knife, and sliced everything and everyone to do with that time out. I feel no stress in what really is quite a stressful industry, and I do not think about anything or anyone in the other.

That's a weird observation I noticed in the last week. Does anybody relate? Or have any thoughts about this? I'm still just dumbfounded at how pervasively toxic the other industry was/is, and how 'normal' it must seem to those in it.


Trying not to say the words.
I slipped out "his" name to a cousin, recalling an invalidating comment by my mother to her.
My cousin immediately replied with "I know that name. He's really good friends with (my brother's name goes here)"
I broke down. "He's my ..."

Just... help me please

General Discussion / Am I already 'dead'?
« on: August 17, 2018, 10:12:10 AM »
I feel dead.
Everybody else is living but I feel... nothing.
Nobody is answering their phones. Nobody is responding to anything.
Nobody is talking to me.
I was evicted from a home by one sibling one week ago. A sibling who asked me to move in with them.
A two line text told me a baby was born to another sibling yesterday. That's it.
Nobody else is returning texts.
For more than a few months i've come home, watched terrible tv, and have spoken to nobody about anything. All plans to see friends have fallen through over and over and over.
I'm never asked to do things.
I can't talk to anybody about what I want/need to talk to them about.
I was in this same spot eight years ago. Nothing has changed.
Am I breathing when I shouldn't be.
I am that person at work who shows up, barely showered most days, slaps on a mask. Is in complete isolation when the work day ends and the weekend rolls around.

Things were done to me. I didn't violate anyone, they violated me. Why am I alone.
Why am i the outcast and they're not.

A note to say that I removed a thread  in this sub-forum with *TW* at the header of the topic.
I feel it was too intense, even with the trigger warning.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Finally Cracked
« on: August 11, 2018, 06:21:10 AM »
It's happened.
Splitting headache, need to vomit.
I can't work with the pain, all efforts to rise above have failed.
I don't want to fight for my life any more, I see no hope and no future.
Have dragged myself out of bed for months just to drag myself out. No benefit came of it.
I feel like what little I can give is being taken advantage of. I hurt a lot.

Friends / The Pity Invitation
« on: August 10, 2018, 11:41:01 PM »
Anybody feel that?

I'm well and truly over that form of invite: the after thought when everything else and everyone else has already been confirmed, when you're the superfluous participant, when you're the one filling in because someone elses plans fell through. When you're there not understanding the in jokes, listening to everyone elses exploits. You are not actually one of the group. You never will be.

Just not interested any more. I'd rather be alone on my own.

General Discussion / *TW* I wished my trauma on my ex
« on: July 24, 2018, 04:37:15 PM »
Was in a horrid, deep EF.

My last relationship, I disclosed my trauma along with my feelings for him at the point of whether we decide to stop or move forward. I made it clear what my fragilities were, and what I was and was not not able to handle.

With that knowledge in hand, we/he went forward in progressing our relationship to the next level, where I felt safe and feel deep. I felt like I had not experienced any bad things at all, they well and truly felt like they were in the distant past. I was well and truly in love when he decided to tell me he was leading me on, and after breaking up with me he was not long into another relationship. This was exactly what I expressed that I couldn't handle.

I have of course been struggling since. My heart still broken, and have had the worst worst EF i've experienced.

All dignity aside I had to speak to him, and beg him for help. I needed him and by god I still missed that SOB. I hate that he did that. Reaching out of course got me some less than satisfying responses.

So my self hatred and begging to him turned to anger at him. It did not take long to write, but I told him he deserved to experience every traumatic event I went through. And I mean, I listed them off in graphic detail. I have never disclosed the details to anyone besides the names of the abuses, and the descriptions were nowhere near as graphic in words as they are in memories. But specifics were described.

I told him he deserved the abuse and desertion I exprienced at the fallout. He deserved to feel what it feels like having the people that did it to me being treated like gods by the masses, including by my family. I described every type of trigger, large and small, every invalidation... everything I could pour out

The pain I have been feeling, daily, for a decade, I passed on to him. I delegated the memories and agony to him. He deserved to rot in agony as I have.

Then he deserved to have someone do to him what he did to me.

He had enough knowledge at my disclosure to not move forward. So because of that, what he did with me was reprehensible. I never deserved any of my traumas, and certainly not what he did. So he deserved to feel all of it.

I can never again enter into a romantic relationship after him. I cannot date, I cannot talk to men, I cannot dream or hope, or trust that I will be safe with anyone ever. Because of him.

I do not feel guilty saying what I said. It lifted me out of the EF. The relief was immediate. I do not regret passing on the raw emotion. This was pure anger.

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