At the height of my CPTSD I would twitch a lot whenever I had certain thoughts. Most of these twitches were full body spasmic convulsions and some were just a sudden and very quick shake of the head or arm(s). Since the worst of it where it might happen over a couple of dozen times a day I have had periods of weeks where nothing happens and I feel like I am on top of it. currently, my situation is more difficult than it has been over the last several months and the twitching/spasms are remerging a couple of times a day. These occurrences are usually when I have a shame based thought about something I cannot fulfill or something I should have done. Has anyone had a similar experience and if so were you able to reach into the cause and ameliorate the response?
This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.
Pages1
#2
General Discussion / Remembering recovery milestones
June 20, 2016, 04:49:50 AM
In my most recent relationship with a CPTSD/BPD girl something became clear to me - she could not quite grasp how things were getting better for her and that she was not nearly as depressed as she was in the past - over many periods of time. What I didn't realize while observing this is that it would become fully applicable to my own recovery. Thinking I was going to be the 'rock' of leading her out of depression and completely oblivious to my own depression provided for me a new learning. For sure I was completely oblivious to my own trauma at the time (not that long ago) but it started to occur to me how she couldn't see how she was getting better, even though she was. This observation ends up being quite important for me down the road as I figure out I have CPSTD and there is a little bit of work (A CRAP LOAD TON OF IT) that needs some paying attention to. I found myself ever grateful for the observation that she couldn't see that she was progressing through a difficult issue/time because I have since applied it to myself on numerous occasions. The importance of journaling/ writing anything is paramount here for me. I think the experts on CPTSD and recovery/healing from trauma speak to this when they talk about two steps forward and one back or three forward and two back (which resonates more for me) but simply being aware of 'how bad it was' compared to 'how bad it is now' is an important concept to me. In my research I haven't seen this concept articulated quite so well even though it is much discussed in a circumnavigatory (sorry - not a word) way. Does anyone of have thoughts on this?
#3
General Discussion / Sharing recovery successes and experiences
June 20, 2016, 02:58:26 AM
What's written below is something I wrote 4-5 months ago with the intention of posting it here but I got too shy. I expect that there are other threads in this forum where this belongs and if so I apologise to the moderators for this duplication but I am hoping this reignites some sharing of 'what has worked for me' in peoples recovery journeys. Please note that this will likely be more beneficial to those fairly early on in their recovery journey but I am hoping that no matter where you are that you can share some things that worked for you:
Here is an account of my recovery so far, in the hopes that some of it may be useful for others struggling through some of the obstacles, concepts and experiences in their CPTSD recovery journey.
These are the key concepts that were important for me:
- Stifling the Inner Critic and gaining a grip on the negative thought patterns ingrained in my psyche
- Understanding and working with the Inner Child
- Emotional Flashback understanding
- Self Compassion
For those of you familiar with Pete Walker's CPTSD book you can already guess that this has been the corner stone for me in recovery successes. I've read the book at least twice to completion and have read several sections four or more times in order to find more 'nuggets' of gold or to further ingrain and understand a concept. In addition to Mr. Walker's book I researched many more websites and watched tons of YouTube videos related to CPTSD. I found all of it helpful and sometimes it might be just one simple concept from a resource that resonated with me or reinforced the concepts that Mr Walker writes about. It seems to me that most of the methods of treating CPTSD share the concept of getting to the Inner Child, grieving and being self Compassionate.
Inner Critic
Simply understanding that I had an inner critic was new to me and when I told myself how bad I sucked fifteen times a day (sometimes whenever I passed a mirror) this was my inner critic. Wow! And you can change how this inner critic speaks - Double Wow!! I quickly began to notice how it was speaking to me and either changed the narrative of the critic to something more compassionate (like instead of, ' you suck', to 'you have gone through a lot and we need to work on some things'). Instant relief - halleluiah. At this point I was thinking I had most of it figured out - Wrong. This was just the start. I've come to realize how many ways the critic attacks and works with Emotional Flashbacks to spiral me down into the despair of depression. The term 'mindfulness' was difficult for me to understand in the beginning and I think I would prefer another term or simply, 'paying attention to how you are thinking and what you are saying to yourself'. Anyway, I understand it now and being mindful of my critic in addition to what I am feeling is a necessary too for me to work on all of these concepts.
Another thing I have noticed with the Inner Critic is that I am far more adept at nullifying the inner critic attacks when I have proper rest. If I start the day tired, it's far more difficult for me to use my energy in a mindful way and my mind can become a playground for the inner critic. This one can be difficult to deal with because good rest comes very hard for many of us. Keep plowing as best you can on days like this.
Inner Child
Over the last year I have had numerous breakdowns. Some of them so ripe with anguish that the pain and noises that came out of me would scare the crap out of everyone and probably scare away an attacking great white shark. What I didn't realize for many of these in the beginning is that it was my Inner Child crying out for attention. I had a couple of more breakdowns early in my recovery and after I had some knowledge that going through this process was possibly necessary to make contact with the inner child and release the bottled up emotional pain. What a surprise I got when what I thought was the end of another breakdown my sadness morphed into immense anger and rage. It came out so fiercely that it amazed me. It wasn't words, it was a primal yell, over and over again from the depths of my soul. This yell was fully directed at my Narcissistic mother and then on to my Narcissistic separated wife. When it ended there was such relief and the most amazing feeling of peace and contentedness washed over me. I was starting to get My Voice back and I realized I was standing up for myself (My Inner Child was being protected by me! - the start of an ever growing relationship. That night I had a dream (tearing up as a write this) where I was standing up for myself in a very grounded and articulated way (no fear) to my father about something trivial and got to the point where he understood me and agreed with me. I knew he now looked at me as an equal adult and I could see some remorse on his face. I woke up to a day of full joy. Tears of joy flowed out of me for a full half hour as I drove to my favourite spot in the world and I had the most amazing hour of just saying thank you to everyone and everything around me. An unbelievable day. I have it all figured out now. Wrong. Only a couple of days later I would find myself depressed doing my nightly psychotherapy walk around the town in which I live trying to figure out what was still angering me. At the next opportunity when I was alone and starting to feel sad (like tears might be coming) I go to my bed to see if I can do it again. Yup, the sadness comes easily and as soon as the anguish subsides a bit more rage comes out and this time it's fully directed at the Inner Critic. My wordless rage demanding that he leave. (As a note to the reader, it's been my experience that this needs to be done all alone in a comfortable space. I know I wouldn't get to this raging anger if I thought someone could hear me. And I'm sure if someone heard me they would run to the local authorities and have me expedited to the Looney Bin or find some religious authority to perform an exorcism.) Again there was much relief. I remain as constantly mindful as possible to the inner critic attacks and try and snuff him out at the earliest sign I catch of him doing his dirty deeds.
One last note on the sadness and angering is that for me sadness and tears always came easily to me and I did not ever know why. Now I Know it's the unloved inner child screaming out and I think the sadness was blocking my anger. It seems to me that this could be related to the four F's (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn) model that Mr Walker teaches. I am a Freeze/Fawn type and therefore more in touch with my sadness than my anger. It might be that if you are more of a Fight/Flight type you are more in touch with your anger and less in touch with your sadness. Perhaps your anger defence is blocking you from your sadness. I haven't seen it anywhere yet but maybe if there was a way to anger out until sadness finally came you could get to the tears that I read quite often people have difficulty summoning up. Please take what I say as an uneducated opinion here and elsewhere, as I do not have experience or education outside of my own to rely on with this stuff.
Emotional Flashbacks (EF)
I found this concept really difficult in the beginning but I think I have a better grasp of it now. There seems to be a wide range in size and severity of EF's. It seems to me when you are in a depressed and despairing state of mind that can last for hours, days, weeks, months or years you are in an EF that is flashing back to the abandonment of the Inner Child. There simply isn't any hope and survival is hardly worth fighting for. That's a large scale EF that to me isn't just about the past. There is also a present day reality about how hard is to function and get through a day that it's improbable that we can get to the point where we can say, I'm in an EF and things aren't so bad. It's my experience that my current reality is not great and there are practical limitations to expecting things to work out positively for me. Chiseling away at a large scale flashback is hard work and when they are big I focus on the inner critic and try and identify the negative programs and subterfuge he's running. Chipping away at this can be hard work, but I can bring myself some satisfaction identifying and beating down the inner critic which automatically makes me feel a little better and at the same time reminds me that the road is hard and these setbacks are difficult to deal with but even small successes can kick-start more positive thinking and I might find myself out of a deeply depressive state in a couple of hours rather than a day or two.
A smaller scale EF that I have always dealt with is simple emoting. This can be speaking to someone I am not perfectly comfortable with or even writing an email. I start to shake and worry about what I am going to write or say. What I've realized is that this is definitely an EF that goes back to my childhood where my schoolwork was always criticized and never good enough, and when most of my non-family-conforming thinking was quickly dismissed as wrong thinking - end of story.
Self Compassion
Unwavering self compassion is proving to be an essential piece of my recovery progress. It wasn't something I worked on in the beginning at all but as I started to gain some traction (and get some results) with the concepts mentioned above I would go back to Mr. Walkers book or search other websites for other things to work on and I started to work on it. When you are an unemployed father of three (shared custody) with very limited financial resources and no motivation to look for work because it's all too frightening to deal with and you know you are not healthy enough to go at it - It's GODDAMN HARD to be self compassionate. And true to the nature of my 'Freeze' response, I self medicate frequently when I need to take a break from all the thinking and pain. All grounds for the Inner Critic to bomb away with the Toxic Shame incorporated into my psyche from my childhood. At first I started to be self compassionate about my situation and give myself affirmations where I thought they could actually apply. For instance it might be, 'It's OK that I didn't get the garbage out this week. It's not the end of the world and things like this happen to people in my condition.' This started to help and I began using self compassion in lots of similar small ways and the more I used it the more opportunities to use it came into my awareness. This was providing even more relief. I kept up this work and went back to the 'book' and it said 'Unconditionally Self Compassionate', and I'm thinking, 'yeah, but I'm blameworthy here too.'. Well, I decided that I would give it a try and what I realized is that it was my now supportive inner voice (not the critic) guiding me and did that ever help. I forgave myself for my situation and my shortcomings and fully put the blame back on the rightful owners (abusers). I'm happy to say that this has provided even more relief and when used fully and unconditionally with the other tools noted above I am experiencing moments, hours and days of contentedness I have never known. I have moments and days in a row now where I can see that I am getting through this and I get glimpses of who I am going to be. They are adding up and I am excited to get there.
It's definitely two steps forward and one step back for me but the strides of my steps forward are getting bigger and I hope sharing this might help someone with their recovery.
Here is an account of my recovery so far, in the hopes that some of it may be useful for others struggling through some of the obstacles, concepts and experiences in their CPTSD recovery journey.
These are the key concepts that were important for me:
- Stifling the Inner Critic and gaining a grip on the negative thought patterns ingrained in my psyche
- Understanding and working with the Inner Child
- Emotional Flashback understanding
- Self Compassion
For those of you familiar with Pete Walker's CPTSD book you can already guess that this has been the corner stone for me in recovery successes. I've read the book at least twice to completion and have read several sections four or more times in order to find more 'nuggets' of gold or to further ingrain and understand a concept. In addition to Mr. Walker's book I researched many more websites and watched tons of YouTube videos related to CPTSD. I found all of it helpful and sometimes it might be just one simple concept from a resource that resonated with me or reinforced the concepts that Mr Walker writes about. It seems to me that most of the methods of treating CPTSD share the concept of getting to the Inner Child, grieving and being self Compassionate.
Inner Critic
Simply understanding that I had an inner critic was new to me and when I told myself how bad I sucked fifteen times a day (sometimes whenever I passed a mirror) this was my inner critic. Wow! And you can change how this inner critic speaks - Double Wow!! I quickly began to notice how it was speaking to me and either changed the narrative of the critic to something more compassionate (like instead of, ' you suck', to 'you have gone through a lot and we need to work on some things'). Instant relief - halleluiah. At this point I was thinking I had most of it figured out - Wrong. This was just the start. I've come to realize how many ways the critic attacks and works with Emotional Flashbacks to spiral me down into the despair of depression. The term 'mindfulness' was difficult for me to understand in the beginning and I think I would prefer another term or simply, 'paying attention to how you are thinking and what you are saying to yourself'. Anyway, I understand it now and being mindful of my critic in addition to what I am feeling is a necessary too for me to work on all of these concepts.
Another thing I have noticed with the Inner Critic is that I am far more adept at nullifying the inner critic attacks when I have proper rest. If I start the day tired, it's far more difficult for me to use my energy in a mindful way and my mind can become a playground for the inner critic. This one can be difficult to deal with because good rest comes very hard for many of us. Keep plowing as best you can on days like this.
Inner Child
Over the last year I have had numerous breakdowns. Some of them so ripe with anguish that the pain and noises that came out of me would scare the crap out of everyone and probably scare away an attacking great white shark. What I didn't realize for many of these in the beginning is that it was my Inner Child crying out for attention. I had a couple of more breakdowns early in my recovery and after I had some knowledge that going through this process was possibly necessary to make contact with the inner child and release the bottled up emotional pain. What a surprise I got when what I thought was the end of another breakdown my sadness morphed into immense anger and rage. It came out so fiercely that it amazed me. It wasn't words, it was a primal yell, over and over again from the depths of my soul. This yell was fully directed at my Narcissistic mother and then on to my Narcissistic separated wife. When it ended there was such relief and the most amazing feeling of peace and contentedness washed over me. I was starting to get My Voice back and I realized I was standing up for myself (My Inner Child was being protected by me! - the start of an ever growing relationship. That night I had a dream (tearing up as a write this) where I was standing up for myself in a very grounded and articulated way (no fear) to my father about something trivial and got to the point where he understood me and agreed with me. I knew he now looked at me as an equal adult and I could see some remorse on his face. I woke up to a day of full joy. Tears of joy flowed out of me for a full half hour as I drove to my favourite spot in the world and I had the most amazing hour of just saying thank you to everyone and everything around me. An unbelievable day. I have it all figured out now. Wrong. Only a couple of days later I would find myself depressed doing my nightly psychotherapy walk around the town in which I live trying to figure out what was still angering me. At the next opportunity when I was alone and starting to feel sad (like tears might be coming) I go to my bed to see if I can do it again. Yup, the sadness comes easily and as soon as the anguish subsides a bit more rage comes out and this time it's fully directed at the Inner Critic. My wordless rage demanding that he leave. (As a note to the reader, it's been my experience that this needs to be done all alone in a comfortable space. I know I wouldn't get to this raging anger if I thought someone could hear me. And I'm sure if someone heard me they would run to the local authorities and have me expedited to the Looney Bin or find some religious authority to perform an exorcism.) Again there was much relief. I remain as constantly mindful as possible to the inner critic attacks and try and snuff him out at the earliest sign I catch of him doing his dirty deeds.
One last note on the sadness and angering is that for me sadness and tears always came easily to me and I did not ever know why. Now I Know it's the unloved inner child screaming out and I think the sadness was blocking my anger. It seems to me that this could be related to the four F's (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn) model that Mr Walker teaches. I am a Freeze/Fawn type and therefore more in touch with my sadness than my anger. It might be that if you are more of a Fight/Flight type you are more in touch with your anger and less in touch with your sadness. Perhaps your anger defence is blocking you from your sadness. I haven't seen it anywhere yet but maybe if there was a way to anger out until sadness finally came you could get to the tears that I read quite often people have difficulty summoning up. Please take what I say as an uneducated opinion here and elsewhere, as I do not have experience or education outside of my own to rely on with this stuff.
Emotional Flashbacks (EF)
I found this concept really difficult in the beginning but I think I have a better grasp of it now. There seems to be a wide range in size and severity of EF's. It seems to me when you are in a depressed and despairing state of mind that can last for hours, days, weeks, months or years you are in an EF that is flashing back to the abandonment of the Inner Child. There simply isn't any hope and survival is hardly worth fighting for. That's a large scale EF that to me isn't just about the past. There is also a present day reality about how hard is to function and get through a day that it's improbable that we can get to the point where we can say, I'm in an EF and things aren't so bad. It's my experience that my current reality is not great and there are practical limitations to expecting things to work out positively for me. Chiseling away at a large scale flashback is hard work and when they are big I focus on the inner critic and try and identify the negative programs and subterfuge he's running. Chipping away at this can be hard work, but I can bring myself some satisfaction identifying and beating down the inner critic which automatically makes me feel a little better and at the same time reminds me that the road is hard and these setbacks are difficult to deal with but even small successes can kick-start more positive thinking and I might find myself out of a deeply depressive state in a couple of hours rather than a day or two.
A smaller scale EF that I have always dealt with is simple emoting. This can be speaking to someone I am not perfectly comfortable with or even writing an email. I start to shake and worry about what I am going to write or say. What I've realized is that this is definitely an EF that goes back to my childhood where my schoolwork was always criticized and never good enough, and when most of my non-family-conforming thinking was quickly dismissed as wrong thinking - end of story.
Self Compassion
Unwavering self compassion is proving to be an essential piece of my recovery progress. It wasn't something I worked on in the beginning at all but as I started to gain some traction (and get some results) with the concepts mentioned above I would go back to Mr. Walkers book or search other websites for other things to work on and I started to work on it. When you are an unemployed father of three (shared custody) with very limited financial resources and no motivation to look for work because it's all too frightening to deal with and you know you are not healthy enough to go at it - It's GODDAMN HARD to be self compassionate. And true to the nature of my 'Freeze' response, I self medicate frequently when I need to take a break from all the thinking and pain. All grounds for the Inner Critic to bomb away with the Toxic Shame incorporated into my psyche from my childhood. At first I started to be self compassionate about my situation and give myself affirmations where I thought they could actually apply. For instance it might be, 'It's OK that I didn't get the garbage out this week. It's not the end of the world and things like this happen to people in my condition.' This started to help and I began using self compassion in lots of similar small ways and the more I used it the more opportunities to use it came into my awareness. This was providing even more relief. I kept up this work and went back to the 'book' and it said 'Unconditionally Self Compassionate', and I'm thinking, 'yeah, but I'm blameworthy here too.'. Well, I decided that I would give it a try and what I realized is that it was my now supportive inner voice (not the critic) guiding me and did that ever help. I forgave myself for my situation and my shortcomings and fully put the blame back on the rightful owners (abusers). I'm happy to say that this has provided even more relief and when used fully and unconditionally with the other tools noted above I am experiencing moments, hours and days of contentedness I have never known. I have moments and days in a row now where I can see that I am getting through this and I get glimpses of who I am going to be. They are adding up and I am excited to get there.
It's definitely two steps forward and one step back for me but the strides of my steps forward are getting bigger and I hope sharing this might help someone with their recovery.
#4
Letters of Recovery / Letter to 'The Queen'
June 19, 2016, 01:46:50 AM
Shirley,
Another tear filled episode has passed tonight and it has become clear to me that I need to write you. The tears have been common for me over the last year and when I reflect back on my life I see how often I have cried all alone with no one to turn to with hopes of appeasing my pain. It's the lifelong pain only someone that has never been loved can relate to. As I continue to battle trough my CPTSD and try to recover to a point where I can function well enough in the world for the benefit of my children I am constantly plagued by the hurt of emotional abuse and abandonment from the past.
I've become quite good now at tapping into my memory from my childhood and reflecting back on the way things were in the house/environment I grew up in and it's so clear to me why I bring up my kids the way I do - it's so very different from the way I was brought up and there is no way I would ever willfully cause emotional hurt/pain/distress on my children. They are the world to me, way beyond anything else. Some of these memories I will detail in this letter, and others I will just let go.
So often I went to bed every night with Mike when we shared a bedroom and I would ask him, 'Do you hate me Mike?', thinking that there was a chance someone might show me some love in any one day, week or more. How often I remember us wanting to run away from home and making plans to do so. How often did I hide in the closet for hours when my other siblings weren't there cause it was the only safe refuge. How often do I reflect back on that now and smile to think how I have reversed the whole thing for my kids.
Those are just a few examples from my childhood that I want to share at this point. Here are a few more that have stuck with me forever:
- Do you remember when I playfully scared you downstairs one day (perhaps I was 10ish) and you chased me around downstairs with the look of the devil on you face and I was truly scared for my life and managed to escape outside and only came back several hours later?
- Do you remember how often you spanked me? Do you remember how often you spanked Mike and John? Do you remember spanking us in your bedroom with a closed door but knowing everyone in the house could hear? Do you remember how small and fragile we were? Do you remember getting my Father to do it so you would be absolved of the blame? Do you know that we all wanted him to do the spankings because he didn't hit us half as hard or as long as you did? Do you think you can own the shame and guilt of this abuse on your own children?
- Do you remember giving everyone in the house 'chores'? The chore I was assigned when I was 11/12 was to clean all the bathrooms weekly (scrubbing toilets, sinks and bath tubs). I think Mike had vacuuming and not really sure what John and Maria had but it sure leaves a lot to wonder about what a stay at home Mother was doing.
-Do you remember when you arrived home from Nicaragua? Uncle Frank and Aunt Betty were there on their way back from New Brunswick and when you arrived home from the airport Aunt Betty went out to the driveway to great you and when she went to hug you, you blew up her arms and completely rejected her. I knew for sure at that point that we were different. The lack of human compassion was wholly evident.
- Do you remember when my Father took you to Hilton Head Island for a week's vacation and while he was gone had arranged to have the kitchen redone as a surprise? We were all thinking, what a great dad/husband - this might actually finally make her happy. Do you remember your reaction? I do - crystal clear - complete astonishment (which we hoped for) but not for what he had done, but because it wasn't to your standards. I never looked at the Lent box on the dinner table the same again. We ended up redoing the kitchen over at a cost of thousands of dollars extra so you can have control over it your way. Meanwhile the Lent boxes and other charitable ideas remained ever present in the hypocrisy of your being. (Not unlike your last trip to Africa to help out the needy, but were so distraught about one of the legs of your trip being not in first class)
- Do you realise how many times Dad rolled his eyes at us after something you said or did at the dinner table or elsewhere? Do you understand how important this was for us, even though it was a little too late for us? Do you realise how much your behaviour has had a negative effect on your own children?
Here's a few more recent memories:
- I went to you after I left Kim and told you what went down and you tried to shame me for smelling like alcohol. No *, I just ended a marriage, it was an extremely hard time and the 20 yrs I put in for the sake of the kids and you had zero sympathy/empathy for me.
- I met you outside of the grocery store one day not too long after that and you asked me about my visit to the lawyers and I told you how tough it was going and you just brushed it off. You were not there, didn't care and I was not perplexed.
- You gave Kim money (several times) after I had left, even though I had explained how awful she was to me.
- I told you about her cheating on me with my friends and other people and it did not resonate with you a bit. 17 people that I was concerned about and they are the only ones I know! You had complete indifference.... Your misandry is reflected in your false feminism.
- The day after I told you outside of the screen porch at the cottage that the constant criticism you were giving the kids at the cottage was wrong you showed up the next morning at 11am and butted your way into the monopoly game I was having with my kids. You didn't talk directly to me at all, all day. Later I learned from brother John than you had lied in your rendition of our talk on the porch. You lied to make yourself look in the right against your own kid!?
- When we went to Miller's for supper and I was excited to tell you that I figured out that Kim was a Narcissist, you spoke for the next 45 mins straight and never acknowledged what I had said. I sat back and fully realized you didn't give a care for me at all. When we parted after dinner that night you did the same thing you always do/did - get me to say 'I love you too'. I said yup.
- You thought it was a good idea to invite Kim to dinner at your place with Jessica and me. This type of behaviour is inconceivable to me. No matter what I am always going to be siding with my kids.
- There are many more things I could add here but hopefully you get the meaning of what I am writing. The way you are not there for one of your kids is exactly why I am there for mine.
There is a recent study available now called ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study). It's a 17 year study that provides a lot of good insight into what affect people in an negative way as they get older. There's also a plethora of other literature on such matters on the internet. I only mention it because it's clear no matter what I say you will not accept. This is unfortunate because what I say is right and has been researched and proven. I know you will dismiss this and even try to work it against me. Imagine that - your own child. My Father would be disgusted and repulsed beyond what is thinkable.
Your shame is yours. I will never own it again, I will never accept it through your blame and guilt strategies. Your shame is yours.
Chris
Another tear filled episode has passed tonight and it has become clear to me that I need to write you. The tears have been common for me over the last year and when I reflect back on my life I see how often I have cried all alone with no one to turn to with hopes of appeasing my pain. It's the lifelong pain only someone that has never been loved can relate to. As I continue to battle trough my CPTSD and try to recover to a point where I can function well enough in the world for the benefit of my children I am constantly plagued by the hurt of emotional abuse and abandonment from the past.
I've become quite good now at tapping into my memory from my childhood and reflecting back on the way things were in the house/environment I grew up in and it's so clear to me why I bring up my kids the way I do - it's so very different from the way I was brought up and there is no way I would ever willfully cause emotional hurt/pain/distress on my children. They are the world to me, way beyond anything else. Some of these memories I will detail in this letter, and others I will just let go.
So often I went to bed every night with Mike when we shared a bedroom and I would ask him, 'Do you hate me Mike?', thinking that there was a chance someone might show me some love in any one day, week or more. How often I remember us wanting to run away from home and making plans to do so. How often did I hide in the closet for hours when my other siblings weren't there cause it was the only safe refuge. How often do I reflect back on that now and smile to think how I have reversed the whole thing for my kids.
Those are just a few examples from my childhood that I want to share at this point. Here are a few more that have stuck with me forever:
- Do you remember when I playfully scared you downstairs one day (perhaps I was 10ish) and you chased me around downstairs with the look of the devil on you face and I was truly scared for my life and managed to escape outside and only came back several hours later?
- Do you remember how often you spanked me? Do you remember how often you spanked Mike and John? Do you remember spanking us in your bedroom with a closed door but knowing everyone in the house could hear? Do you remember how small and fragile we were? Do you remember getting my Father to do it so you would be absolved of the blame? Do you know that we all wanted him to do the spankings because he didn't hit us half as hard or as long as you did? Do you think you can own the shame and guilt of this abuse on your own children?
- Do you remember giving everyone in the house 'chores'? The chore I was assigned when I was 11/12 was to clean all the bathrooms weekly (scrubbing toilets, sinks and bath tubs). I think Mike had vacuuming and not really sure what John and Maria had but it sure leaves a lot to wonder about what a stay at home Mother was doing.
-Do you remember when you arrived home from Nicaragua? Uncle Frank and Aunt Betty were there on their way back from New Brunswick and when you arrived home from the airport Aunt Betty went out to the driveway to great you and when she went to hug you, you blew up her arms and completely rejected her. I knew for sure at that point that we were different. The lack of human compassion was wholly evident.
- Do you remember when my Father took you to Hilton Head Island for a week's vacation and while he was gone had arranged to have the kitchen redone as a surprise? We were all thinking, what a great dad/husband - this might actually finally make her happy. Do you remember your reaction? I do - crystal clear - complete astonishment (which we hoped for) but not for what he had done, but because it wasn't to your standards. I never looked at the Lent box on the dinner table the same again. We ended up redoing the kitchen over at a cost of thousands of dollars extra so you can have control over it your way. Meanwhile the Lent boxes and other charitable ideas remained ever present in the hypocrisy of your being. (Not unlike your last trip to Africa to help out the needy, but were so distraught about one of the legs of your trip being not in first class)
- Do you realise how many times Dad rolled his eyes at us after something you said or did at the dinner table or elsewhere? Do you understand how important this was for us, even though it was a little too late for us? Do you realise how much your behaviour has had a negative effect on your own children?
Here's a few more recent memories:
- I went to you after I left Kim and told you what went down and you tried to shame me for smelling like alcohol. No *, I just ended a marriage, it was an extremely hard time and the 20 yrs I put in for the sake of the kids and you had zero sympathy/empathy for me.
- I met you outside of the grocery store one day not too long after that and you asked me about my visit to the lawyers and I told you how tough it was going and you just brushed it off. You were not there, didn't care and I was not perplexed.
- You gave Kim money (several times) after I had left, even though I had explained how awful she was to me.
- I told you about her cheating on me with my friends and other people and it did not resonate with you a bit. 17 people that I was concerned about and they are the only ones I know! You had complete indifference.... Your misandry is reflected in your false feminism.
- The day after I told you outside of the screen porch at the cottage that the constant criticism you were giving the kids at the cottage was wrong you showed up the next morning at 11am and butted your way into the monopoly game I was having with my kids. You didn't talk directly to me at all, all day. Later I learned from brother John than you had lied in your rendition of our talk on the porch. You lied to make yourself look in the right against your own kid!?
- When we went to Miller's for supper and I was excited to tell you that I figured out that Kim was a Narcissist, you spoke for the next 45 mins straight and never acknowledged what I had said. I sat back and fully realized you didn't give a care for me at all. When we parted after dinner that night you did the same thing you always do/did - get me to say 'I love you too'. I said yup.
- You thought it was a good idea to invite Kim to dinner at your place with Jessica and me. This type of behaviour is inconceivable to me. No matter what I am always going to be siding with my kids.
- There are many more things I could add here but hopefully you get the meaning of what I am writing. The way you are not there for one of your kids is exactly why I am there for mine.
There is a recent study available now called ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study). It's a 17 year study that provides a lot of good insight into what affect people in an negative way as they get older. There's also a plethora of other literature on such matters on the internet. I only mention it because it's clear no matter what I say you will not accept. This is unfortunate because what I say is right and has been researched and proven. I know you will dismiss this and even try to work it against me. Imagine that - your own child. My Father would be disgusted and repulsed beyond what is thinkable.
Your shame is yours. I will never own it again, I will never accept it through your blame and guilt strategies. Your shame is yours.
Chris
#5
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Letter to Mother
June 18, 2016, 07:30:26 AM
Hi folks,
I've been lurking here for a while and love the site and now I am looking for some quick feedback - sorry to be demanding.... I will share more with you soon but want I am looking fir is some feedback on something I just completed. A letter to my mother. It would seem harsh to a Normie, but for us it's just normal. To give you some perspective, I've been no contact for 14 moths and LC for a while before that but my life circumstance has not been great to say the least. I'm big on Pete Walker and have been studying tons of stuff on Narcs and recovery from them for 5 years (the recovery part only 1+). Anyway, the more I establish boundaries the better I feel all the time and I love that. I kind of feel live McFly in ack to the Future (which if you knew me would seem odd - 6'3, 230 lbs (ish) and very athletic, albeit beaten down to the bone in many respects and really struggling with life in general. Anyway, I am hoping for some feedback on this; I wrote a letter to my N Mom and I know I need to send it but I want to make sure I am not just going back into the game. There's a lot of anger here that has been repressed for a long time and even though I am pretty sure it is the right thing to do (send it) I am looking for another option or someone that has been in a similar circumstance perhaps.
I've been lurking here for a while and love the site and now I am looking for some quick feedback - sorry to be demanding.... I will share more with you soon but want I am looking fir is some feedback on something I just completed. A letter to my mother. It would seem harsh to a Normie, but for us it's just normal. To give you some perspective, I've been no contact for 14 moths and LC for a while before that but my life circumstance has not been great to say the least. I'm big on Pete Walker and have been studying tons of stuff on Narcs and recovery from them for 5 years (the recovery part only 1+). Anyway, the more I establish boundaries the better I feel all the time and I love that. I kind of feel live McFly in ack to the Future (which if you knew me would seem odd - 6'3, 230 lbs (ish) and very athletic, albeit beaten down to the bone in many respects and really struggling with life in general. Anyway, I am hoping for some feedback on this; I wrote a letter to my N Mom and I know I need to send it but I want to make sure I am not just going back into the game. There's a lot of anger here that has been repressed for a long time and even though I am pretty sure it is the right thing to do (send it) I am looking for another option or someone that has been in a similar circumstance perhaps.
Pages1