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Topics - Trees

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Hi folks, this site was recommended to me by someone whose judgment I trust.  I have read around the site a little bit, have read so much that I utterly identify with.  But I noticed I was getting too nervous about introducing myself to be able to concentrate on the words of others.  So I need to start writing to get past this internal barrier.

Though I always knew my childhood was difficult, it was not until my late 30s that the memories of early childhood sexual abuse began to surface in my brain.  I had never been stable - lots of depression, anxiety, social problems - but when the really ugly stuff resurfaced in my brain, I was pretty much wiped out.  A lot of the "memories" were just endless sensations of raw terror.  Soon I was unable to work.  That was 25 years ago, and I have never succeeded in returning to work.  Not too long afterwards I started remembering how my mother had always loathed the tiny child I was back then.  Perhaps she was not even conscious that she had turned the molested toddler into "the other woman", but she always treated me as "other" forever after.  Plus, as I was the oldest, I was always her designated helper servant.

I know now that my father was extremely cptsd, very angry.  My mother was extremely depressed and bitter.  My family moved constantly.  By the time I was 19, I had lived in 21 different places.  The family was usually extremely isolated because of my father's personality.  My mother, knowing no one in the vicinity, would take us to local libraries to feel less alone.  I learned to live completely inside of books.  To open a book and dissociate into it, that was where I found safety and companionship.   

These were the circumstances that shaped me.  I have spent all of my adult life trying to emerge from the fear, the brainwashing, the dissociation, the shame, the isolation.  There were 3 stays at psych wards, a long period of homelessness, many therapists and groups, but mostly clueless about ptsd.  Out among people, I am nervous, frightened, dysfunctional, so I am a hermit.  Finding Pete Walker's site and articles and books has really helped me feel less alone in the world.
So hello to everyone here. I hope to tag along with you folks.

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