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Well after this weekend and my bf being drunk and abusive again, i lay awake all Saturday night and realised he has been controlling and manipulating me all along. 18 months in fact.
So while i got onto this path of 'fixing' me in order to have a fulfilling relationship at last, it seems that while iv been identifying the other pds in my life past and present, he got through the net.

Im heartbroken. I chose to ignore the warning signs so its my own fault i know.
He love bombed me so much that i thought id found my soulmate. Classic story apparently duh!

Then he picks and chooses when to give me affection etc as long as im being a good girl sigh 

If iv learned anything its that i will now trust my gut more. I feel like an idiot.

Iv packed his clothes and hes out when he finishes work tonight.
I would have given him more time to find a place but he raised his hand and threatened me yesterday so now he doesnt deserve my sympathy.

Gonna have a damn good cry when the kids are in bed. Glad iv got therapy tomorrow.

I can link the manipulation starting with npdd through to most of my bfs. I no longer trust my judgement regarding partners so will stay on my own until i have worked on it.

I was reading a post here the other day and it made me curious.
How many, if any, other people irl do you know with cptsd?

Iv often looked at others and their behaviours etc and wonder what their childhoods were like.

I do feel im different from a lot of others around me. I cant manage to do the things they can (socialising etc)

Are we few and far between or are there lots just undiagnosed i wonder.
Id say my ubpdm and unpdd probably have it and my brother.

I hope im making sense cos i never seem to be able to post what i mean in my head properly

Well my assertive and self esteem group therapy has come to an end and i learned lots from it. The lovely lady who ran it has arranged for me to go for an assessment on Monday with an edmr therapist. Im very excited and very nervous.  Is there any questions i should be asking at the assessment?  I have a feeling she only deals with one incident and not complex traumas, which would be an 18 month wait (which id be prepared to wait for)  but i will know more on Monday.  Any advice etc would be appreciated.

Im heartbroken that BOTH my parents have forgotten my sons birthday today. I know i am LC with them but surely im not expecting too much?  Its not my job to remind them is it? Hes 10 they should remember by now.

Well iv finally realised what iv been dealing with all my life. You are a classic BPD. i never thought i could find all the words to describe what you did and who u are but wow iv found some info that has u down to a tee. There is a God.

Im really angry!
Iv often wondered if u were ever angry with your mum for not protecting you, not sticking up for you. I understand that u felt u couldn't be angry with her she was ur mum and it wasnt acceptable to have those feelings.  So u buried the anger add to that physical abuse from ur dad and loss of a younger brother in ur care then i can understand where your BDP stems from.
But....
Iv made these excuses for you for many years. You'd had a hard life etc. My childhood wasnt particularly easy either but the difference between us is i put my kids first.

You NEVER put me first. When i find myself trying to find excuses for u now, i tell myself that you have had many many opportunities to become a better person. To start over. But every time you chose misery and destruction.  You have always chose the negative path. You have absolutely no morals whatsoever.  Even now its only cos ur ill and unable to get around as much but you would still be the same bitter twisted woman you always were.

Im embarrassed when i think of the states you've been in and the low life things you have done. You didnt deserve kids. You always played the matyr tho didnt you. Taking in other kids and messing them up too. You may look at me and my brother and shake your head, so many head problems tut tut. Well you and dad can take a bow because you are the cause of them!

You can be so cruel (wishing ur husband would have a heart attack and die) nasty, vindictive person iv ever known.

You never cared about how i felt, what i thought as a child. It was always about your dramas, your problems which you would tell me all about in great detail.
As long as i was being a good sensible girl, entertaining when u wanted to show me off to ur drunk crowd, or i was ur amusement when id do something wrong and youd have a good laugh about it and tell all ur friends and family what an idiot i am. As long as i didn't bother u with my problems or worries then i was ok.

You never made sure i was safe growing up, left me alone or with anyone as long as u got to the pub.

Iv lost count of the many 'uncles' i had. And how many times id see u in bed with them.
You used me as a weapon/shield when u were fighting with dad. You didn't once think how it all affected me.

Kids lose their appeal after a certain age dont they mum? Usually when they get a voice and can see things arnt right. Thats when you had my brother and then remarried a guy who you recently confessed that the day before u married him, the police came to visit u apparently because something had gone on with his last gfs daughter aged 15. I was 13.  Anyway still married him. Told me yrs later u was jealous of me and him when we got along. That was ironic cos i  hated the man. Another man who came before me. You used to ignore me when he was home and talk to me when he was at work.
As punishment you put me in a tiny room that just fit my bed and put my baby brother (still in cot) into my big bedroom. I wasnt allowed to play music cos it used too much electric.

You chucked me out when i became rebellious. Wouldn't go to school. I went to live with ur mum, she chucked me out, then my aunty same thing then a school friends mum and chucked out again cos i wouldn't go to school.
Apparently if this happened now my background would be looked into. But at the time i was just an unruly kid.

God knows what my brother put up with growing up but much the same i suspect but id left home long ago. Thing is u let him down too. I  told you the man he was visiting is not good news and the fact a grown man was havin ten yr old boys in his house and giving them lots of money etc. I TOLD YOU!  you said no he seems like a nice man and helped my brother with his homework!   Fast forward 20 yrs and the man is now serving 14yrs in prison for *** offences and my brother is a full blown alcoholic with not much life left if im honest.

I dont like you and my gut has always been right about u and im not  making any more excuses for you. I dont want anything to do with you and i will make that clear in my own time. Unfortunately my bro dotes on u and theres a sick enmeshment with u two so i cant help that.

Id love to say all this to you but you wud start shouting and close the door cos uv never been able to listen to the truth.  I may write it in a letter. You like letters.

You are a liar, cheat and a thief with no moral compass nor conscience.  Fortunately im the opposite and u hate that and call me names because of it. You once called me a s*** because i sat with my legs apart in my own home with my bf and i was 8 months pregnant!

Anyway i could go on and on but the upshot is i trust no one because of you but im determined to heal and get better because i know that will be the best revenge. I am not and will not become you.

Im struggling at the moment with feeling bad for having minimal contact with my FOO. We usually see each other once twice a week as well as texts and calls. We all leave near each other.

For the last couple of months iv not bothered keeping in touch and only when i really have to. They know something is wrong. My uBPDm knows about my therapy and i have spoken to her about some issues so she probably has an idea why.  As for my uNPDd im thinking of telling him some things as to where i am at the moment.

I feel like everyone  (kids, bf) think I'm over reacting by keeping my distance. They are my parents after all.
Its just i struggle as im either p****d off with  them or i just get on with it. Feels like they are my only options.

It feels like im trying to punish them by being this way. Thats not what im trying to do. If i believe that the damage they have caused
me is bad parenting then i want to stay away from them cos im angry at them.

Then another part of me says surely it wasnt that bad and im being over dramatic as usual. Why after all these years of putting up with them would i change now?

It feels like they are just waiting for me to stop sulking and we can go back to normal

My dad has helped me out so much financially as an adult and i feel ungrateful for not being in contact like i used to be.

Has anyone else felt this way and how did you handle it?

I just wanted to say thank you for this place and you guys.
To Kizzie for starting it and the rest of the crew who help run it and everyone who comes here.

Not sure where id be emotionally or mentally right now if it weren't for finding you 

I know others are feeling more positive lately and i have too. Yesterday i actually felt calm and at peace and even a bit secure would you believe. Its a nice feeling and gives me an insight into how 'normal' people must feel. I liked it.

Anyway i hope it stays around but im aware its gonna ebb and flow and thats ok. It was nice to even feel that way for a day.

Its given me faith that healing can be achieved and for that im grateful.

Hi i was just wondering,
Are all CPTSD sufferers addicts (of some kind)?
And are all addicts CPTSD sufferers?

Sorry if it seems lile a dumb question and feel free to remove if not appropriate

Im on a waiting list for emdr but I have concerns that it may be no good for me.  See when I think of any memory I dont feel a particular way about them. As far as im aware you need to remember a specific instance  andfeel the feeling and rate it. My worry is that none of the memories have a specifically high score for me.  Iv thought about these memories for most of my life so am probably already desensitised.  Yet I still obviously suffer from the symptoms of trauma. Can I be helped by emdr or will it be a waste of time?

Not sure of its ok to post this here but i read this book a while ago and its just popped into my head again.
Theres an in depth list of ailments and what she reckons the causes are as well as positive affirmations.
Abdominal cramps, )probable cause)-Fear, stopping the process. Positive affirmation - I trust the process of life, i am safe.

Addiction - (probable cause) Running from self. Fear.Not knowing how to love the self. Positive affirmation I now discover how wonderful i am. I choose to love and enjoy myself.
I found it interesting going through the ailments and what they represent.
One i definitely found of interest was Bronchitis, i was in hospital as a baby with bronchitis.  The probabe cause? Inflamed family environment,  arguments and yelling. Sometimes silent. Ha pretty spot on with that.

My last partner who has severe cptsd with no help, used to throw my depression in my face. Id open up and try explain the way i felt and hed end up saying i was using it as an excuse.  That really hurt.
Now my curren bf has just said pretty much the same thing. Even tho i havnt been able to explain to him the vastness of the whole thing. He may have googled cptsd i dunno but thats only an outline, he doesnt have a clue about the depth of it and he doesnt want to know.
Now he says hes leaving cos im always negative and take it out on him. He says im critical which yeah i probably am.
I am still involved in my highly dysfunctional family trying to work things out in my head since iv been diagnosed only 4 months ago as well as trying to juggle a moody teenage girl and a hyper 10 yr old boy as well as trying to keep house and im really f*ing struggling. I have no one to talk to about it all either. Yet again im alone.
I told my boyfriend last week that his drinking is a problem for me. It has for a while but this time i told him. Not sure if this has anything to do with him wanting his own place or not.
Perhaps im expecting too much from him? I know he cant fill the void i have.
Any advice please?

I have wanted to journal for a while but just couldn't muster the energy. Didnt really know what to write or my mind will just go blank etc.
I half started another post here with a bit of an outline to things and will finish it later.
Then i had all these thoughts in my head again of past memories.  Made some connection then told myself i should really write this stuff down. Had a bit of a battle with myself as i couldnt be bothered im tired lol.

Anyway long story short-ish    i was noticing recurrent patterns and images around the specific times i remember as a kid. Sooo then i wanted to write it down or id forget it (again)

Wow iv just filled 3 big pages with words haha didnt even realise how long i took (not long) and writing it out has had a powerful impact on me! I used to love writing when i was younger. I used to journal little bits here and there funnily enough.
Seeing the words on paper really does bring it home to you what crap went on. Just pputs a different perspective or even just a perspective on things that have been so jumbled in my head for years 

Its made my heart beat faster while writing and i got a few chest tightening pains which i noted 

So glad iv made a start. Lots more writing to do i just hope i can be bothered to finish it another time. I know what im like lol 

Anyway thank you for listening. First people/place i think of to come to cos i know you guys actually understand

since meeting my bf and feeling loved for the first time but still being extremely insecure lack of trust fear of abandonment etc well u know how it goes...
Anyway i knew i needed help seriously for it this time or it would go just like every other of my relationships.
Hence i was told i had multiple trauma and have read and learnt so much since.
Thing is i really want my bf to know and understand about it all and why im like i am. Unfortunately theres so much to learn about it i dont want to overwhelm him.

I tried last week to let him read something easy about stress but his first response was he was too tired. I didnt react very well to that tbh and i know he felt bad and tried to get me to show him again bit i wouldn't.
Today i tried reading something to him but he just said he didnt understand any of what i was saying.
I really want him to understand about me but it just doesn't look like its gonna happen and i cant help feeling disappointed.
Am i being unreasonable?  How did anyone else approach this with their partners?

So all these years iv been angry with mum and with good reason as she was neglectful and made lots of poor decisions. But a few days ago i actually opened my eyes and saw for the first time how abusive emotionally my dad has been all my life. What is shocking is that i seem to have been brainwashed all these years. I suppose it was deemed as normal to me.

I have realised i have always tried to please him but always fall short. Iv never been good enough. Nothing iv done has been right. He never has a nice thing to say about any of us and is always sarcastic and condescending. Iv walked on eggshells ally life. If i ever bumped into him i always felt like id done something wrong.

I cant believe i have protected him and stuck up for him all this time. I am the closest thing to my dad and the only person he trusts. Probably because he has moulded me for so long.

He has always bailed me out with money etc and theres always something i need from him it seems. Its all about control.  He talks to me/mum/brother like crap absolutely no respect.

No wonder i have zero self esteem. I blamed mum ehich of course she had a part in but never saw it from my dad! How blind was i?
He gaslights, he stays quiet, goes in moods, drinks heavily then kicks off.  Doesnt matter how many times you tell him it affects you he still does it.

Im now starting to make all the connections and i am no longer going to be comtrolled by him. I know its not going to be easy but now im aware i feel a bit stronger.
No wonder i have attitude with men and authority figures. I take it out on everyone but the person responsible 

I havnt had any anger really since i was diagnosed but u know what, i can feel a little bit starting to come through. How dare he treat me this way!

Anyway i just wanted to share with you my light bulb moment while i start to process what it all means.
Thank you for listening. Xx

I have just been reading about object constancy which is really new to me. Could it be likened to when im out somewhere i see someone i recognise but i dont always say hi as i think they wont remember me? Iv done this loads of times over the years and probably come across very ignorant. I just find it hard to believe they know who i am.

Also on the flip side what concerns me is when someone is there in person i can engage with them but when they have gone its like they have gone from my mind.
My dad once said its like out of sight out of mind with me and its true.

It makes me feel very selfish and unfeeling that i do it,  but genuinely they rarely pop back into my mind until they contact me again. Most people have proper friendships that they can continue but i just dont seem to be able to.

Its caused me a lot of anxiety in the past as i give myself a hard time for being such a bad friend.
Dont get me wrong if anyone came to my door needing my help then im there 100%. But its the other bits i struggle with, the maintaining. Not sure if im getting across what i mean properly.

Does anyone relate? Is it another form of object constancy? Or am i just a selfish person who only cares about me.

Hi i really need some opinions please. When i was 7 my mum and a fella were sat in front of me kissing and he took her breasts out and fondled them in front of me. Another time she had sex with a man while i was laid in bed at the side of her, she even held my hand? And i 'walked' in on her having sex with yet another man. Is this abuse? Theres lots more background to the story before and after 7 but this is a sticking point at the moment.  Im a bit upset just now as iv text mum to say we need to talk. She asked if it was because she was a bad mum then said she was only young and the past should be left in the past. Unfortunately it isnt in the past as im still struggling daily. Which iv told her. Not sure she remembers most of what i want to say. I tried talking to her a few yrs ago but she couldn't handle it. Still dont think she will be able to if im honest. She got angry last time. I worry she will start smoking again if i say anything and she has really bad lungs and only just managed to give up this yr. i was thinking of giving her some info on cptsd to digest at her own pace.  Thanks for listening.

Hello. Just wanted to introduce myself. Iv been here a while in the background but have felt very comfortable here. I think i found you guys at the right time. This place has answered a lot of questions for me. Thing is tho i seem to go in circles. Right now im back at 'am i over reacting?' 'Was it really so bad?'  And 'should i even be here?' Anyway just wanted to check in and say hi and thank you for being here.