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Topics - Absent

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So I was really impressed with reading about somatic work in Pete Walker's book, As I have a lot of anxiety meditation is not something I can concentrate on, but somatic mindfulness is not talked about so much as meditation but as drawing attention to your body. That opened for me the door to mindfulness and paying attention to my body and reducing anxiety in the moment because I realized I can do somatic work anywhere at any time. I really need to look into this more as I have still only the basic idea of it, but wanted to share this ted talk with you guys.

Hello everyone,

I've been having a really difficult time lately and just wanted to share something, and I've been writing and re-writing this for about two hours, It started as one thing and now it's completely different. But I have no one I can share this with and I think this is the most appropriate place. :( I think I am in self-pity mood.

I think I should also add the following, though not what part of what I wanted to post.
I didn't know I suffer from depression until I was diagnosed about 4 years ago, I quickly came to realize I had a lot of anxiety. Shortly after, I started thinking about my childhood and re-evaluating it. This process has been going on a while. I started to suspect I may have been abused, but when such thoughts appear I would usually try to find a way to discard them. I read a lot on different diagnoses, that I thought could fit me, but ultimately did not feel like the right fit for me - such as BPD, ADD, Aspergers and few others. Now I am at a place where I can at least online say - I was emotionally abused and neglected and I believe I suffer from cPTSD. I was controlled and ignored (it sound contradictory I know).  My upbringing affected me in a way that made me incapable of loving and receiving love, enjoying many simple things, or even trying to build a life.  I feel like my carer stole my heart, motivation and life, and all I have left is the pain.

When I was at the age of 10 or 11 I had a calcium deficiency. On the x-ray my bones were transparent. My main carer at the time bored into my head that the deficiency was caused from me growing up too quickly (I was slightly taller than the other girls). And she believed that. And why would I not believe the person that I love the most?

At the end of last year (two decades later, and after many years suppressing my memories) I had a 'light-bulb moment' - I did not have a medical issue due to me growing up too fast - I was simply malnourished. And I am so so very angry and sad about that! This was just one of the many things I got blamed for instead of her taking responsibility. Apart from that school year where I was stuffed with two eggs each morning to get the calcium I need, I was never given breakfast, and even if I knew breakfast is the norm, my priority in the mornings was to get out of the house without being seen (which meant avoiding the kitchen) as to not cause any outbursts of anger. That meant also no food at school, at best I would have a meal a day at dinner. I was often hungry, though I can't say starved. But in her eyes the reason for this was me growing up (dare I say with the same rate as other kids) that was the reason for my calcium deficiency (and at the time not diagnosed anemia), not the lack of her care for me.

Was this calcium deficiency a bad thing? Was it abusive? No. Apart from the pain in my legs it did not affect me really. I would happily continued to live with it if it mean not having more attention on me. But the cause of it I believe is abusive. This should not have happened. I did not deserve it. Someone should have helped me. There were witnesses. They are guilty too. It's not just the food thing. There is more, but this is all I wanted to share tonight. Even now the doubt creeps in me - did I over react? Did I imagine? Was it as bad? I don't know. I only know how I feel....

General Discussion / Need advice: A lit of things that scare me?
« on: August 20, 2016, 02:54:40 PM »

so I get 9 fee counseling sessions from NHS and my next one is the 5th one. I am not diagnosed with anything as it seems in the UK no one likes to or has the ability to give diagnoses. So my counselor has asked me to make a list of things that scares me. I am however very visual - If I can't imagine myself in a situation I cannot assess my reactions, but my mind is also very good at distracting me from the task in hand, As someone who is (I think) scared of everything and I avoid everything (I have no life - social or personal), making a list with exact statements is proving somewhat challenging. I think it would be silly to put on the list things like - "Everything scares me" as then I know I will have to think of examples or "Making lists scares me".

I think what mostly stops me is the idea of having to read the list to her. I know I should be taking an advantage of the few session I have been offered but my anxiety really gets overwhelming in sessions, my mind shuts and feel like I am choking. Also my mind starts to misunderstanding the questions in order to sabotage the whole thing.

Okay I'll end this here as I''m starting to deviate from the original topic and my thoughts are turning really dark.

General Discussion / Overtaken/controlled by thoughts?
« on: August 04, 2016, 05:59:12 PM »

I've noticed recently when my general mental health starts to deteriorate one of the first symptoms I experience is ... I'm not sure what it is. I just wonder if other people have experienced this and can relate. If there is a proper term for it or a connection to specific experiences or PDs.

It is as if I lost a mental control over my brain and even if I try to concentrate hard on anything (work for example) in the background of my mind another set of thoughts starts to run. One that plays anxiety-trigger-related scenarios and soon those thoughts overtake my normal train of thought. I don't always immediately realize this over-taking has happened. In time I've learned to shut these down. However these thoughts are so overwhelming that the negative emotion they bring will show on my face and I will enact them with body language. So I end up walking down the street waving my hands as if talking to someone and making faces looking like a crazy person. Or I will realize I'm staring at my monitor at work while arguing with someone in a completely made up situation.

I realize how these thoughts can be seen as the reason why my anxiety goes up and while I admit they feed it and can cause thing to get worst, I've noticed I experience them more when I am going through a ruff patch. I also know different people internalize differently. I'm not sure if the above is just me being preoccupied with myself or it is because I cannot regulate emotions or anything else. My need to label (I know that is not always good but it also give me validation) .... and research is causing me to look into this specific aspect of my mental health. While it doesn't sound severe it causes me a lot of frustration as I cannot concentrate to even do my job properly.

So, any thoughts?

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