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Hi There

So at my last psychology appointment it was recommended that I take a "whole body" approach to healing. I LOVE this concept and have dived in head first.

I made an appointment with an Osteopath who i have seen previously after a traumatic birth experience. After explaining my recent "emotional awakening" he pointed out that I said I felt a sudden surge in love, empathy and compassion and to him this appears to also be a kind of spiritual awakening and an opportunity to ditch the ego and become one with my "true self". He said it could possibly be the silver lining in what appears to be a very traumatic and difficult experience.

I have done some research and after reading the 21 symptoms of a spiritual awakening I can honestly say that I identified with all but one or two. He recommended readings by Adyashanti which I have been exploring recently. I've also started a beginners course for yoga and meditation which has been mind blowingly helpful in beginning this recovery and healing journey. I've also started journalling and mindfulness art.

Has anyone else felt that they might have experienced some kind of spiritual awakening throughout this healing journey? I'd be so interested to hear from someone else... ANYONE else! 

Hi Everyone

I was recommended to pop over here by a helpful member at Out Of The Fog. And after reading a few posts I now see why. I was diagnosed with CPTSD very recently by my wonderful psychologist. She's amazing. It turns out that I have been the scapegoat and recently the "lost child" in my family, I suspect mother to have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am hoping to distance myself over the remainder of the year and am planning to go away at Christmas with my husband and young children so as to avoid contact.

A bit of my back story which I'll copy and paste from out of the fog:

Confirmation I'm not losing my mind.

So I just feel like I need to put down a few of my experiences and have someone confirm that yes, yes that is emotional abuse. No you're not crazy. I'm still desperately trying to pin down all the finer details of the dynamics in my dysfunctional narcissistic family.

After I had "misbehaved" mother would tell me: "I have to love you, but I don't have to like you." Now that I am a mother myself I feel like this is possibly one of the most damaging things you could say to a child? Am I right? I grew up thinking that i was so disgusting that not even my own mother liked me and she in fact only loved me because she "had to". I now realise that I was never loved. Not from the moment I was born.

I believe my Grandmother is NPD and even more malicious than my own Mother. I think that possibly Mother was the GC and HER sister 'Joan' shall we say was the SG. Mother would always tell me how vile Aunty J was, liar, cheat etc etc and then in the same breathe "You're so much like your Aunty J you know!" So lets break this down. Aunty J is rotten to the core and so are you! Message received Mother! *ouch*

School ball: Sister who's GC has first school ball. I was invited along to a shopping trip for the dress, which in itself is highly unusual!! Mother agonised over what colour and style etc etc GC tried on hundreds of dresses and settled on a $400 dress back in late 90's thats a lot of money!!!! We got matching shoes, bra, lipstick, purse etc It was an entire weekend thing! So many photos were taken and a limo organised. My own school ball: I was working at the time and was told I'd have to get my own TICKET and dress etc. In the end I hadn't saved up enough money so I got a hand me down top from GC and Mother whipped up a quick floor length skirt on the morning of the event. So no $400 dress, shoes, bag, bra or lipstick and to add insult to injury I had to buy my own * ticket! There was 1 obligatory photo taken. I'm quite proud to say that despite mothers best efforts to sabotage me I won belle of the ball. Which of course was ignored and if I remember rightly I was told to stop showing off!

I was an emotional eater. The day after Christmas mother was rifling through my room (no bloody privacy!) and found 30 odd wrappers from a box of chocolates. She grabbed them and brought them out into the kitchen for everyone to see and counted them very dramatically and theatrically and then employed the whole family to shame me for having scoffed 30 chocolates down in one go. If my child had displayed this behaviour I'd be really worried! I'd bring her somewhere private and try to talk to her about whats going on?

I have expressed wanting a thirld child several times in front of my family. Mother starts bemoaning.... OH god... why would ANYONE want three children? Um... I AM your THIRD CHILD! What the *

And the worst so far:
My sister GC ended up having a relationship with the most malignant NPD/ASPD I have ever come across, they have two children together. He was trying to get her to commit suicide, its called Pernicious Murder. Mother was quite fond of the AS/NPD partner, he would often "pop in" and see her and it was just the two of them. Did she know he was AS/NPD?? did she smell it on him as soon as they met? I kept expressing outrage and concern at his treatment of my sister (as adults, GC sister and I became rather close and have "awoken" together). I was constantly shut down "Everyone knows you don't like AS/NPD partner" "He's a mans man not like your Husband" (my husband is a wonderful, beautiful, sensitive and caring man!!) "He comes from a terrible family its not his fault he is the way he is" "some people just have different relationships" every time I expressed concern I was invalidated, gaslighted and completely shut down!!! GC sister then had mental breakdown, I kept saying shes having a mental breakdown.. this is a mental breakdown!!! Again i was flicked away like an annoying flea! He almost succeeded in killing her. Towards end of the relationship Mother kept calling and telling me not to get involved, don't fill your sisters head with nonsense about divorce etc etc

I will never forgive myself for not standing up against all of them sooner. Was she feeding off the drama of my sisters abusive relationship? Did she want to watch her GC being destroyed? Just how sick is this woman who raised me??? What would have happened if sister didn't wake up and leave when she did?

And now mother has become a social recluse and hermit. She doesn't go out other than to work or grocery shopping and I suspect she's turned to alcohol. Is she angry that the AS/NPD didn't get to finish the job? I also feel that she's struggling to hide her Narc traits recently?
Anyway... if anyone has actually taken the time to actually read all of this – Thank you! I realise its a bit of a novel.