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Topics - C.

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1
About three weeks ago I realized that my entire childhood/family of origin experience included domestic violence.   And that a child witnessing domestic violence experiencing nearly the same psychological/physical response as if the violence were happening to the child.  And the domestic violence still happening for my mother, many many years...  Itís mostly emotional and verbal, but my father will grab at hands, slap, throw stuff.  Itís not the traditional media portrayal with choking or punching.   It's the classic pattern with periods of "calm" and "love" and "kindness."  And I was recently made aware of bizarre physical abuse by my father towards me, like pouring dinner on my head when he was angry.  I had honestly blocked that one out.  I am coming to terms w/the fact that I had denied and repressed this reality.  At first as a child to stay safe, and then simply continued the denial on into adulthood like many trauma survivors.

Iíve contacted dv hotline, worked through emotional/verbal abuse and neglect both by my parents and my first husband.  But this feels new.  Different.

Thankfully I have better support now: therapy, insurance, secure work, my brother, my husband and a few friends in real life.

I would appreciate any validation, empathy, similar experiences, ideas or other input from this group.

Thank you,

C.

2
Introductory Post / Hello Again
« on: August 11, 2020, 03:43:50 PM »
Hello Again,

I am back after taking a break from this group for a few years.  I healed from an emotionally abusive marriage and emotional parental abuse/neglect, and then recently became aware of more childhood trauma...ugh!  I had a full on panic attack last week but at this point in my life it came w/dangerously high blood pressure.  So I am reaching out again here, getting more therapy, medicine, and medical treatment.  Fortunately I now have a supportive husband and Faith to also help me through this journey.  I love this group, all it has to offer and know it works.  Here's to all of us continuing the journey towards healing, whatever path that might be.

C.

3
Something that has been on my mind a lot, especially since beginning recovery, is the idea of  "Paying It Forward." 

I want to give an example from my own life.  For about 10 years I was fortunate to have a home and enjoyed having friends and family stop by to visit.  I often would share food and meals.  Fast forward to a few years ago when I hit rock bottom.  I was low on food and lonely.  I found that I had friends who gladly shared their food and company with me.  These were not necessarily the same people, but somehow it all worked out.  I helped others when I could.  And others helped me when they could.  Different people and different times, but oddly it felt like the same.  Like a special kind of unity of human spirit...

I've felt like that a lot during my recovery.  Somehow the right person at the right time would help me.  Then someone else might need something from me and I would be in a place to give at that time.  It happens IRL and on this forum for me.  It makes the world feel like a much better place.

This got me thinking that I'd like to hear about other people's experiences of Paying it Forward.  What are some experiences in your life or on the forum of "Paying it Forward?"  Some thoughts you might have about this topic?

4
I came across this article from a friend and wanted to share it w/the forum.  It's about addiction to "drugs," but the recovery method applies directly to those recoverying from cPTSD in my mind as well.  I found it inspiring and thought I'd share it here too:

http://themindunleashed.org/2015/12/the-likely-cause-of-addiction-has-been-discovered-and-its-not-what-you-think.html

5
I am in a new romantic relationship.  We've been communicating daily for about 2 months.  He contacts me daily, is kind, appropriate, attentive.  But now he's taking a few hours instead of a few minutes to respond to my phone calls or texts.  It triggers me. 

I don't want to scare him away, or sound needy, but I also don't want to experience this trigger.  Thoughts anyone?  Suggestions?


6
Checking Out / Healing going well
« on: September 16, 2015, 04:24:16 PM »
Hello everyone, 

I haven't been so active on the forum lately and it's been for positive reasons so I realized that I'd like to check in and let everyone know.  I still plan to be on the forum a few times per week, but I am developing some IRL supports that are helping to fill that natural human need to connect.  You guys still understand me the best...the triggers...the responses...the coping...so I know that I'll be around, just a bit less.  But my love and appreciation for everyone on this site continues strong.  Plus, I don't know what life will bring me and I'm pretty sure that, like all of us, there'll be times when I need to reach out or give more.

May you have a blessed day,

C.

7
Step 21 / Weekly Announcements and Other Topics
« on: July 12, 2015, 07:16:09 PM »
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

8
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

*******************************************

STEP TWENTY ONE

I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.

Step Twenty one is the last step of this recovery model, but not everyone necessarily reaches it. It is the step that we all strive for as we continue through our lives. If you keep working on your recovery beyond simple survival, you can reach a state of self-acceptance and satisfaction that represents a unique synchrony between your soul, your spiritual essence, and the new self born of your hard work in recovery. Bringing the "new you" into congruence with your soul's aspirations is the ultimate step because it represents the combined expression of your conscious, unconscious and spiritual essences.

9
Step 21 / Steps Review and Summary
« on: July 12, 2015, 07:15:32 PM »
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

*******************************************

I thought that it might be helpful to review our steps this week too.  You are welcome to post within another topic related to a step.  Or comment here.

Here are the stages and steps:

STAGE ONE:  REMEMBERING   
1.   I am in a breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse.
2.   I have determined that I was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child.
3.   I have made a commitment to recovery from my childhood abuse.
4.   I shall re-experience each set of memories as they surface in my mind.
5.   I accept that I was powerless over my abusers' actions which holds THEM responsible.
6.   I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse,but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.
7.   I can sense my inner child whose efforts to survive now can be appreciated.

STAGE TWO:  MOURNING
8.   I have made an inventory of the problem areas in my adult life.
9.   I have identified the parts of myself connected to self-sabotage.
10.   I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my aggression.
11.   I can identify faulty beliefs and distorted perceptions in myself and others.
12.   I am facing my shame and developing self-compassion.
13.   I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live.
14.   I am able to grieve my childhood and mourn the loss of those who failed me.

STAGE THREE:  HEALING
15.   I am entitled to take the initiative to share in life's riches.
16.   I am strengthening the healthy parts of myself, adding to my self-esteem.
17.   I can make necessary changes in my behavior and relationships at home and work.
18.   I have resolved the abuse with my offenders to the extent that is acceptable to me.
19.   I hold my own meaning about the abuse that releases me from the legacy of the past.
20.   I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life - love, work, parenting, and play.
21.   I am resolved in the reunion of my new self and eternal soul.

10
Step 20 / Announcements and Other Topics This Week
« on: July 05, 2015, 07:39:04 PM »
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

11
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.
STEP TWENTY

I see myself as a thriver in all aspects of life, love, work, parenting and play.

Your journey on the road to recovery is almost over. You have progressed from being a survivor of the abuse to becoming a thriver: someone who finds joy and satisfaction in many aspects of life. By now, you probably have created a new family or support system for yourself that banishes the isolation and shame you felt in the past. You can readily give of yourself to others and accept nurturance and consideration in return. This is the step in which your new self is together into a personality that expresses your full essence in the world.

Intimate relationships are now infused with trust, sexual sharing and mutual self-reliance. You can communicate your needs, allow healthy mutual dependency and resolve conflicts, free of the concerns and self-doubt of the past. Your new self-acceptance allows you to be less critical of others, while your new self-awareness helps you to identify hurtful situations before they cause damage. You can gauge situations accurately and share your feelings, as appropriate, without losing control of them.

By now, you are able to avoid exploitative job situations and can identify and pursue appropriate promotion opportunities. You are no longer mired in office politics or oppressed by bosses or authority figures. You can develop your career in a way that fosters your interests and talents and accept the financial and emotional rewards that follow. If you find yourself facing a dead end in your career, you can make the necessary changes to keep yourself vital and interested in your work.  Instead of experiencing your work life as a strain, you now feel challenged and satisfied by your job.

If you have children, your new sense of self has brought you a new identity as a loving, caring parent. You accept your children as people and raise them to respect themselves and others. You foster their self-esteem by giving them appropriate amounts of power and control and protect them from harm by setting clear and consistent limits. You are able to discipline them by using the positive elements of your relationship with them to hold them accountable when they fall short of the values you have set for your family. This is the time to acknowledge that your family's inter-generational chain of abuse has ended with you. You and your children are living testimony to this formidable accomplishment. You can continue to grow together, allowing your relationship to mature into a seasoned, adult-to-adult friendship that can provide joy and affiliation for the rest of your lives.

Finally, your new self begins to express itself in one area that may have always been difficult: play. You probably have neglected this area of expression, but the newly-confident you may now be ready to explore this exciting domain. Hobbies, sports, creative arts, traveling and music are just some of the many ways you can play as an adult. Playing keeps you in touch with your own inner child and affords you an opportunity to share another experience with your children. Playing revives us and recharges our emotional batteries. It improves our outlook on life and rewards us for our hard work. Don't deprive yourself of this important element of life. Find new ways of playing that fill you up and charge your active participation in life.

Many survivors wonder how they will know that they have completed their recovery. That moment is very personal and may or may not be related to an external event in your life. It occurs at the moment when healing on the inside and change on the outside merge into a unified sense of self.

This moment may be a "mystical experience," one in which you feel at one with the world. It may be the moment in which you realize you have attained an achievement that symbolizes success to you. It will be different things to different people, and you are the best judge of the moment for yourself.

12
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

1.   Have a celebration or perform some personal ritual to mark formally the completion of your recovery. There are endless possibilities for acknowledging this important rite of passage. You could bring together all of the people who have supported you during this process and let them know what they have meant to you. You could take the vacation of your dreams. If you have moved into a new home that reflects the "new you," you could have a housewarming party. Think of something that symbolizes what your recovery has meant to you and find a way of expressing it, one that celebrates this enormous achievement and affirms the person who did it: YOU!

13
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

2.   How long has it been since you marked the start of your recovery? Go back and reread your journal entry marking this long-ago date. What feelings surface as you reread the words that accompanied your start on the road to recovery? How many years ago was this? Was the journey worth it? Do you like where you are today, relative to yesterday? Make note of today's date and acknowledge your reactions to coming to the end of recovery. What future directions would the "new you" like to explore now?

14
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

3.   At this point you may want to reach out into the community to share your new strengths. If you are attending ASCA meetings, you may want to share your recovery experiences and encourage others who are still on their journeys. One way to deepen your sense of resolution and support others in their efforts to heal is to become a "mentor" or contact for someone just entering recovery. You might become more involved with ASCA in an organizational capacity. You can volunteer with a community hotline that reaches out to parents at risk for abusing their children. You might try your hand at social change by running for the local school board, thereby exercising a healthy expression of power and authority. Any of these activities will affirm the changes you have made in recovery and will give you the chance to share with others what you have accomplished.

15
Step 20 / Self Help Activity 4: Self-help becomes second nature
« on: July 05, 2015, 07:29:07 PM »
Reminder: In order to honor our group process we ask that only current ASCA workbook group members post and respond here please.  If you would like to join in at this time or a later date please send the moderator a PM.  Thank you.

Note:  Your recovery is unique to you.  These topics and activities are suggestions.  Please feel free to do and respond to those that work for you at this time.

4.   This is the last self-help step you will need in this recovery program. By Step Twenty, helping yourself will be almost second nature!

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