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(TW!)

I have stopped my nightly habit of smoking cannabis for about 3 weeks now. It was hard to start, but I my willpower finally kicked in. I haven't been strong enough to take a break from it for about 2.5 years now. My GF and I have had a tough relationship since Jan/Feb this year, she smokes quite a lot, and it might end within the next week.
I know now that it has been really good for me to give up smoking cannabis. I use an app called  "Habitica" for keeping track of habits and it helps me see my streak of days I've made.
Of course, taking off the bandage revealed a lot of dark thoughts. Last week and earlier this week I was waking up and falling asleep wishing I weren't here. I have been using crisis chats, opened up to one of my friends, been 100% honest with my T. Although my FOO is messed up and stressed out, I came to their house to visit and get away from my loneliness, take a few days off from it and working.
My heart doesn't have a lot to say lately. I feel a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. I'm trying to push through it with exercise and reaching out to old friends, but god it is hard. It feels so scary and I worry about all the missed opportunities I've had for partnerships that couldv'e worked out if I hadn't always given them up. I want to open up to more of my friends so that I can get support, but I'm very afraid to. I've been having this struggle on and off for 9 years and I've been guessing that they won't take me seriously anymore or think it's just normal. Just wanted to share. This is tough.

Good afternoon from where I am 

I had a sudden mood swing while cooking breakfast this morning. Then suddenly my vision started narrowing, my neck bulged up and feels tense, nausea / appetite loss, and a headache came on. I felt confused why this was happening and I wondered if it was the noises going on in the house, my gf's hyper dog, or that I was cooking and waiting for her to join me but she disappeared with the dog. Abandonment issue?

when she asked me about the food, I started stuttering badly and humbling my words, my thoughts got thrown like confetti in my mind space, and I couldn't say a complete sentence. I fixated on her upper lip for a moment while kind of disassociating. I felt mad and frozen. She spoke up that she cared about me seeming "uneasy" and I found my hand crossed over my chest to self soothe my skin on the upper right of my chest/shoulders. Does anyone else here do that? I was able to snap out of it by noticing.

I don't know, I got my feelings hurt somehow and the anger was ahead of me suddenly, like I wasn't paying enough attention to it to prevent it. Look at me shaming myself for not being on top of emotions enough, haha. I still don't know exactly why I was triggered, but I have had lingering negative thoughts about the past this mornin. 

I bowed out and told her she didn't do anything wrong, because she didn't. And I didn't blame anyone, especially the hyper dog who I have blamed in the past (trauma history there). I'm really proud of myself for making a change on that. He's just a rescue pup with inconsistent training, trying his best. His noises, nervousness, disobedience, etc are not enough not reasons for me to get angry and flash into scare mode.

Right now I'm sitting on a the porch swing on a nice day, reading a bit about psychosomatic pain responses and working on relaxing an EF. I still want to charge ahead with the day and not give up my time to hiding and ruminating which is something I've done a lot over the years.

Ultimately, I'm happy that I handled the anger differently and found the strength to own my emotions, and take care of them. Wanted to share and acknowledge it.
Similar experiences, thoughts, feedback?

After a blitz of trauma after trauma within 6 short months when I was 22, I moved home with my parents to find respite. I thought it would be really good for me, that I would finally learn how to get rid of the patterns that contribute to people abusing me...
I was wrong.
My dad became the villain in my life, as soon as I moved in. He would listen to my needs of what triggers were uncontrollable for me, I would emphasize that him being male made it a delicate situation for me and that I really needed him to come through for me and help me.
I was open with my parents after a few weeks about what had happened to me in my college town. It was bad. I told them details and my feelings. My entire sense of security was dead from what had happened. I wanted to heal. I went to therapy full time.
For some reason, the information I shared wasn't enough for my dad. He ended up looking for, and reading, my journal I had kept for 5 years.
He has always been a snoop and a shaming one at that. But this shook me to my core, and nothing has been the same.
I decided when I found out that he read my journal that despite the damage it did to me, that I would make it my chance to Come Out as gay.
It was well received despite their cult religion that discriminates against gay people. I held my parents to accept this about me, because after all he had been the one who snooped and made it be known.

I haven't spent time alone with him since then. I miss the dad I thought I had. I am still in denial that he doesn't exist.
He is coming into town TONIGHT and doing a triathlon close to where I live.
I don't want to flake out because I always do... for the last 7 years. I have missed so many moments, celebrations, gatherings, trips, etc etc etc due to my anxiety about how my FOO is. Typing this out, I wonder where I even have a source for being able to handle them. I mostly cannot. 
I'll be camping by the triathlon location tonight with my dad and his friend. I'll see the triathlon in the morning, then spend the day with my dad. Trying to not entertain the need for his validation or his approval.

I woke up with a heavy stone where my heart is. I had a grumpy morning and am wondering, am I asking for trouble?

What tools can I use to get through 24 hours with him, and prove that I'm capable of being a person who doesn't need his love OR his b******t?
If the answer is that I cannot, please tell me. I fear I am walking into the lion's den.

I want to start with gratitude for this forum. Thank you to each one of you for building and maintaining this forum; for creating a safe space; for showing your selves and starting with compassion. I've only been here a week and I feel different. I've been needing this for a long time. I may seem overly enthusiastic for being on this board for a short amount of time, but I want to use my momentum that I have to launch farther than I have before.

From the bottom of my heart: Please know that I thank each one of you for being here and sharing your stories. I've become so inspired.

+ Several things must be going right for me because my head is going  nearly every 15 minutes for the last few weeks with realizations!!!

I reached out to one of my friends from the past last night. He is a friend who helped me fix my car a year ago. It was such a fun experience, I love fixing things and working with others.
I abruptly ended our communication back in March this year when my girlfriend looked through my phone (+a journal, didn't mention that before... I've had my journals read by both my gf and my dad now. It's hard to admit that  ). She didn't trust me with any friends, even though she knows him and he we don't have romantic history. It was an experience of handcuffing myself for her because I've always felt bad about myself, especially what I've been capable of when it comes to my EF's over the years. I have tended to have the response of cutting people off and hiding until my head clears  . I feel that no one should see me in that state, which can last for months. I also cut out 5-10 more people because of her fears and me wanting to make sure I didn't get "in trouble" again.
I didn't get "permission" nor did I tell me gf that I wanted my friend(s) back already. I am having a hard time wondering what she will do if she finds out I got back in touch with him. I should change my phone password to give myself more protection but that would set her off to be suspicious. Honestly I would be fine if she broke up with me so that I wouldn't feel the pressure on my shoulder for yet another unhealthy relationship on my tick list. But I feel that if it were up to her, she would make a huge drama about breaking up with me and making sure I felt every sting she has ever wanted me to feel, which from our past arguments, seems like A LOT 
I've realized from what I've wrote so far about her that I feel 1.trapped 2.dehumanized for what I've "done" to her. I am not sure what to do next.

I reached out to my oldest sister (I'm the last of five) and asked if her or my family has given up on me. I've been skipping birthdays, holidays, celebrations, and vacations for 5-6 years. It has been due to migraines, GI problems and the like because of stress 
I have always loved my siblings, and when I was little I tended to bring them all together. But having my FOO be part of a cult AND having lost a sibling to an aneurism 11 years ago really splintered us up. She says none of them have given up on me. I just feel sad when my mom doesn't text me back. I miss her so much.

I miss many people and I feel holes all over my heart. I get EF's every time I try to open a contact on my computer/phone to reach out to people I've hurt. I really want to reach out to my ex's who I wasn't compassionate toward during breaking up, but I know that being in a relationship currently and not being happy with it = a recipe for disaster. I need to wait and build myself up more, and become single so I can work on myself and become more advanced, especially since I only have 1.5 year of good insurance left until I must get my own. (I'm 24 on my parent's insurance)

Be back soon 

I started this year pretty shamefully with regards to ending a relationship hastily and getting into a new one right after within a month. I didn't intend to date this person (my current girlfriend) but in the beginning she was very fun and I wanted to get to know more people. I fell into a trap of my attachment patterns-- I unknowingly was presenting to her as a partner by baking treats, hanging out with her often, helping with her dog because I like them, and texting a lot. She was very fun and interesting and I caught myself saying yes to a relationship I didn't really want. It's what I've done with the last 6-7 relationships and I have always been the one to break it too. Within the first few weeks she had her wisdom teeth removed which I cared for, honestly it was emotional labor I wanted to do. I think I was lonely.

A bad thing happened very soon though, which was that she went through my phone (while I was in the bathroom sick) and found texts between an old mentor of mine who has been my friend for 5 years. In order to keep things intact with him for support, I felt pressured to say sweet nothings and talk to him in confidence about my life- he has helped me in the past but ultimately I figured out this summer that his behavior was 90% Narcissist. I'm happy I figured out more to it but it tore me apart to get through that thought process.
When my girlfriend found the texts, she went digging and she crushed my heart in tandem with her's breaking. And I succumbed to putting my own handcuffs on and asking for punishment. She (said she) didn't want to make me suffer but her dad was a serial cheater and I felt like her rejection issues made her want to make me pay like her father didn't, but also cling to me to not leave.
I've been stuck in this since February and so our 6 month is coming up. I still haven't set adequate boundaries with her and it's been a struggle trying to navigate that and maintain my life.
I know I didn't do well to start this relationship with her but I really took it as a major wake up call to my issues and how I've handled relationships since I was abused at 16.
I find myself feeling cold toward her, and scared of making her upset. I can't stand her dog anymore, but I've always been an avid dog/animal lover. I don't know what I am right now and I especially don't think I know her well enough. She talks about marriage and kids with me casually and I was okay with that when I was wanting to be her prisoner for what I did to her, but now it makes me uncomfortable.
How do I start sorting out what are bad patterns and what are valid, actual truths in my heart?

Hi,
Have I got some unloading to do! I tried writing paragraphs but I actually want to make a list. That didn't work either. Please PM me if I am being too upfront. But my story has been needing a listening to and I don't know how else to progress right now...

Cult: I was born into a cult with my 4 siblings before me. I resorted to trying to be a good kid and use my brain (which was incredible at the time) to be my guide and my only tool. I learned to lie well.
Death: at 12 years old, my brother died suddenly while volunteering long-term service for the cult group. Brain injury, coma for 5 weeks, and then cardiac arrest. My parents had my doctors put me on Cymbalta only 2 months after the funeral. I knew they didn't want to see my pain.
Isolation: I was so lonely, but made a companion in someone else lonely. He was being abused and homeless every day. My only friend. He buckled under the abuse and attempted suicide. He recovered but my parents stopped letting me see him.
Sexual Assault & Police: My first encounter with being physically abused was by my first boyfriend (at new school). I didn't know why, until 5 months later, after he broke up with me, when the disassociation began, the flashbacks started, and I was scared without knowing why. I talked to a counselor who listened and helped me see my memories again. I reported and my case was dragged on, his lawyer subpoenaed my own sister who admitted she didn't believe me. My bishop told me to repent because I let it happen.
Medication and Suicide Attempts: I tried many times and began self-harming to control my depression and anxiety. It worked but I cracked eventually to wanting to be cared for and let my secret out. My parents didn't do much but get mad when they found out and took everything sharp away from me, which just made me more creative.

College or Health?: I chose college due to pressure. I had attempted suicide a month before I moved out and yet I felt like I could turn a corner. I believed in myself and was excited for a short time. But I had no tools or instruction on what to do when I moved out.
R***: I had alcohol poisoning for the first time, and despite a pre-made plan that I made with my roommates to all go home together at the end of the night, they left me with a guy friend who said he would take care of me. I remember passing out. I woke up to the worst sight I have ever seen. I didn't tell anyone until I knew I wasn't pregnant and that I didn't catch any std's. I gave up and pretended for years that the r*** didn't matter and that I was over it. I'm still not.
Academic Failure: I started failing classes after my freshman year due to my r*** and the obsession that it didn't matter. I became a workaholic in an animal shelter to relieve my pain.
Cult Reprise: although when I was 21 I knew that I was less than straight and definitely not part of the cult anymore, I took a job at a special market but run by cult members. I was underpaid, overworked, manipulated for tax work that wasn't legal but I didn't know. School became an afterthought.
Stalker: He was a customer at my work, and 30 years older. I got rid of him myself but it solidified a scary thought: No safe places. No safe places. No safe places.
Bad Landlord: My rental in my college town was great and I fought to keep it for about 2 years until my landlord's attempts at asking for a friendship turned into him coming to my front door belligerent and drunk after dark. I hid under a window alone while he yelled, slammed the screen door, looked through the windows and blew up my phone with calls and texts. I moved out within the month and said good riddance. I should have sued him but my dad refused to help me with a lawyer.
Cult Boss: in the midst of the stalker and my horny landlord, I had a boss who was a member of the cult I grew up in. I thought him and his wife were liberal, and safe. They were hippies and generally I felt happy when I was around them. Until the "apocalypse" became a problem treated like reality at work, and the owner's narcissism for being the one who could save the world. It seeped into me. I became paranoid. But it gets worse. The owners (w+h) had a plan to help during the apocalypse and that was polygamy. Once day my boss discussed sex and relationships with me and told me he loved me at work.
Back Home to Safety (?): My parents offered to take me in and it was my best shot at being safe. I thought I could trust them. They moved me into their (newer/nice) trailer in the backyard and I isolated. My dad, thinking he didn't know enough about me and what was going on, decided to infiltrate my computer under the guise of fixing it for me. I found out the next day that he read my entire diary, years worth of notes and quote collections. I was outed. He knew more about me than I would have allowed anyone to know and the parts he lingered on are unsettling to say the least. He denied having done anything wrong and blamed his bad childhood. He dared me to hurt myself, because that would make him right that I was too sick and needed to be sent to a inpatient facility. I fought this and moved out.

NOW: I've been picking up the pieces since I was outed by my dad 18 months ago. I am sad to report that I hurt people along the whole way. I have never had time to get to know myself, or have peace and quiet to process what happened.
I started a new life in a new city. I've held the same (great) job here for over a year-- something solid and stable that I'm proud of. My boss is a good person, profoundly so and I know I can trust him. I work in a safe job where I'm protected from public people, and get to have great projects concerning animals again. It's been a year and I feel like I can trust my coworkers now and stop isolating there. It's been refreshing.
I still haven't finished school and I realize all the advantages I squandered while processing my abuse. I lost my scholarships and all financial support. I am trying to finish my degree but feel like I lost 20 IQ points. However, since the light came on about my abusive mentor that I had relied on for 5 years I have become a person full of negativity and it's hard to mitigate around others.
But the silver lining is incredible and it's that I'm more alive and aware than ever. I know I need to work harder and protect the people around me from the poison I've accumulated through abuse over the years, especially just from the cult upbringing. It's hard and I don't know if I'm doing enough. This helps. I hope to keep working on it here with you all.
I flip flop a lot on whether I am good or bad.
The good news of this introduction is that I feel awake now. It's been years in the making, but I feel more aware and capable of tackling my issues that I have in a long time.

Please let me know if this isn't the type of introduction I should have used. I am feeling like I don't use forums correctly.