One of the 6 symptoms of CPTSD is emotional dysregulation and I don't think I understood exactly what that meant until I went back to therapy this part summer.
Yesterday when I was leaving the hospital a woman barged onto the elevator despite us telling her only 4 people were allowed. She complained loudly about having had to wait for "like an hour" for one and that the rules for COVID were ridiculous and she didn't care.
My BP went through the rook as apart from me there were two other seniors on the elevator and one 40 something, all more vulnerable to serious illness even death from the virus. The woman was 20 something and "waited an hour" to get from the 4th to the main floor when there were stairs right beside the elevators.
My mature side was struggling - While one side was telling me "she's young, still self-centred" the other side was quite ready to give her a push out the door before it closed. Too late and down we went. I did manage between clenched teeth to tell her that only 4 were allowed in each elevator at any one time for good reason and that she was putting us at risk by ignoring them. Door opened and away she went.
I went to the COVID screeners and told them about it and asked them to put up larger, clearer signs (as I have done twice before) and basically got a shoulder shrug and "people are going to do what they are going to do". OK BP going higher but managed to say that was a wholly inadequate response and reiterated that larger signs were needed outside and inside the elevators because I had encountered this numerous times having visited every day for three weeks.
All the way home, through the evening and even this morning I am angry and can't quite regulate that because it feels like another layer of selfishness, self-centredness, lack of responsibility and empathy for others, etc., etc., etc., added to what is there from the relational trauma I have endured and that lives on in me.
Would blasting/shaming her have helped? I doubt it but it would have felt good and I so want to go back and let her have it I admit it. That, however, is not regulating my emotions and in the long run I doubt I would continue to feel good. I want to be regulated because I suffered through many hours of being overly angry. I want to be calmer, step away and speak firmly and clearly about why that was wrong and what needs to change. I did that but my angry side is still angry and upset. Hopefully today I will be able to stand back a bit more from all that, it's uncomfortable and I know that woman likely slept well while I tossed and turned a lot of the night.
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