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I'm sorry I'm so on again off again with this forum. Spending too much time can actually get stressful and triggering in its own right.

So, my question.

Lately, I'm occasionally having these experiences where my mind will be wandering and bam! I get slugged with an image that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is mine. I realize all that once I realize the following things in a big wave:  1. that I've experienced the memory before. 2. that at one time I could access it any point and have accessed it before. 3. For some untold period of time since then,  I seem to have lost the awareness that it existed. 4 I can access it at will, but it's colored by the events that surrounded remembering it again. 

I know that probably sound weird. It definitely feels weird. Today I had that happen, but with such vividness that I could practically feel the fabrics that I was in contact with; I could feel so much fear and remembered little bits of what surrounded the memory.

Please tell me someone else has experienced this. It's five days until I see my therapist again, and I really want someone to tell me I'm not crazy.

I starting to realize that my abuser used me to do dishonest or just plain mean things.  And I'm starting to get angry and very disappointed with myself.  Did anyone else's abuser do this?  I know this must not be an isolated thing, but, nonetheless, I'm looking for someone to tell me that it isn't just me. 

and whoah... I wish it talked more about non-violent trauma than it has so far, but still I connect with it so well.  It's cool to read about what my brain is doing, why I get so triggered that it gets difficult to speak, what my brain is doing during a flashback etc.  And it makes me feel so much less crazy.  My reactions aren't weird, even if I don't know of anyone else around me who is experiencing them.

Lately, my flashbacks have been expanding from the realm of EFs to include sensory flashbacks, too.  At least, I think that's what they are.  My therapist has referred to them as both.  My mind has been flashing to very immersive-feeling memories.  It's not like the movies, where you don't know where or when you are.  But I can feel myself being put into still scenes of experiences and I experience a lot of emotion that go along with them.

Anyway, whatever they are, do any of the rest of you experience them?  How do you deal with them.  This is more or less new territory for me, and while they aren't as disruptive as EFs are for me, they're still pretty unsettling. 

For the last couple of weeks I've been living with a family that took me in so that I didn't have to live with my abusive father anymore. 

And the 17 year old daughter in the household has starting telling me that I'm too polite and so it makes her feel like she has to be really polite.  She told me I'm allowed to be grumpy. 

And basically I don't know what to do.  I'm figuring out that I'm a big fawn-type (Pete Walker's 4 F-types - fight, flight, freeze, fawn), and I'm trying really hard to be patient and nice In order to not make people angry.  But if being nice frustrates her then, what the flip am I supposed to do not to irritate people?  On top of it, sometimes I'll do something and she'll tell me, "See that's what I mean.  You're being too polite," so I worry about hearing that.  I think part of what she's saying is she doesn't understand why I don't set more boundaries.  But sheesh...I'm half tempted to set a boundary and tell her to stop because she doesn't understand what I'm experiencing.  She doesn't understand that I'm just learning to feel and act like a person separate from the world around me.  I'm just learning to believe that I have needs and wants that are legitimate. 

Let's try this again, shall we?

Hey all,
The good news is, I've moved out of my parent's house Saturday to leave my abusive father. 

The bad news is, my C-PTSD and just emotions in general are doing some weird stuff that I'd like your thoughts on. 

Mostly I don't want to go see my family, but most days there are a few minutes in which I crave seeing them.  It's not loneliness.  It's like I feel like I'll die if I don't see them, like I'm detoxing from an addiction.  (FYI, I don't let myself go see them when I feel like that.  Only when I'm calmer.)  Has anyone else experienced this when they left?  I've heard that the intermittent reinforcement in an abusive and/or narcissist relationship can actually cause an addiction. 

Also, I think I'm starting to smell things that aren't there.  Last night I was thinking about my dad and started smelling gasoline and a combination of other solvents that I very deeply associate with my dad when I was a kid.  (He was a mechanic for a long time.)  But I shouldn't have smelled it because I had a candle warmer going and I don't think anyone was doing mechanics, or anything related. 

Does this sound like a flashback to you?  Any idea why I would suddenly start to have sensory flashbacks when normally I just has EFs?

Any feedback or suggestions much appreciated!

So y'all, my therapist has taught me a lot about what to do when I dissociate.  Ground, self-soothe, etc.  The thing is, lately, I've liked my dissociation.  Life has been so stressful and hard that I have not been trying to stop it; I've actually been welcoming it.  I know dissociation is an involuntary coping mechanism, so if it helps me feel better, it makes sense that I'd like it.  But I feel guilty for this because it's not supposed to be good for me to dissociate.  But at the same time, it helps me feel so much better than anything else does. 

Anyone else experience this?  Any suggestions?

I didn't think I was isolated.  After all, I went to school, etc.  But I'm starting to realize that I was, in insidious, less obvious ways. 

For example, I was taught to fear/distrust/dislike social workers, police, school counselors, doctors, teachers and anybody in the helping jobs because, according to my father, those were the people who mistreated other and broke up families.  But a couple weeks ago, through a series of events, I ended up sitting across my doctor and later a social worker, who both began working hard to find resources to help me escape the verbally/emotionally/psychologically abusive environment I'm in.  And I realized that I was intentionally kept away from these people because they were the people who could help, who could see through my living situation and help me get out of it.  I was isolated by a false belief in who I should and shouldn't trust.  I was taught "Don't trust anyone but your family," when in fact, some of my family members were the very people I shouldn't have trusted. 

And today I helped out at my church's middle school youth group, just kinda hanging out with the teens.  And I watched how much the kids love and trust the youth pastor, his wife, and their helper, and how much having a stable, adult "ally" is important to them.  That wasn't something I had growing up.  I didn't see much of family members I didn't live with, most of the time I had no groups or activities that weren't connected to school, and the only other adults I saw much of were people left over from my dad's past days of doing drugs.  I had absolutely no one to go to because I didn't think I could trust anyone.   

So yeah, I wasn't kept in a Rapunzel style tower, but I was cut off from the world nonetheless. All in the name of controlling my mom, sister, and I, as well protecting an undeservedly good reputation.        

Hey all,

I'm having a really crazy anxiety evening and was reminded of a tool that, if you don't know about it, might be helpful. 

doasone.com has an online mindful breathing room that I like for times like this because on top of soothing noises, it plays the sound of someone breathing so you can breath along with it.  I like that for the times when I'm so frazzled that i can't focus on keeping my own breathing pattern. 

Another thing I like about it is, you can pick the noise that alerts you when the timer goes off.  A lot of times chimes, etc. are so startling to me that they undo all of the relaxation I've achieved.  This one has some more soothing sounds to choose from. 

Hello lovely people,

I've heard people talk about how CPTSD can lead to "identity erosion," but for me, I've spent my entire life in a stifling, abusive environment, so I don't know if I ever formed much of an identity to erode.  Though, at moments, I get glimpses of who I am.  At other moments, I have trouble even knowing what kinds of movies and music I like.   

For those of you who have had or currently have identities issues, how have you gone about figuring out who you are?  For me, written journaling tends to trigger a lot of EFs, so that is often more painful than helpful, but do you know of any guided art journal prompts?  But also, any suggestions for just figuring what I actually like?

Thanks.

Hey all,

I've been gone for a while, but plan to be back. 

I had something weird happen Friday in therapy, and I was wondering if you had any insight or just could commiserate. 

I had the worst break down I've ever had and was admitting that I didn't think I could keep going anymore.  And she seemed pretty nice and patient at the time.  but now, a couple days later, I feel like she was frustrated with me, and like she just wanted me to get over it and fix it.  Like I was a bother to her   I don't think she said anything like that, but now I'm all worried and want to head for the hills instead of returning this week.  I can't quite see what happened clearly.  I don't know if she was actually mean or if I'm re-interpreting based on my abusive experiences.   Anyone else ever experienced this?

Also, she told me that I needed to come to a place where I could make meaning out of my trauma, where I could find a reason for it.  And to be honest, that idea is just repulsive to me right now.  I know that's a thing that people have to do, but that feels like pushing it way too fast.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still learning to understand that my trauma happened and that it's valid for me to be hurt.  I'm not even out of the emotionally abusive environment yet.  I can barely function just now (which she didn't realize when she said it), and she's asking me to make sense out of it and find a reason for my trauma?    I'm not sure where the question is in that.  But can anyone relate?  Have you found that finding/making meaning has to come at the right time?

Can someone at least tell me that I'm not a spoiled brat who needs to suck it up?

GAH, I am so upset about have C-PTSD this morning, and it's making it impossible to focus, which is bad because I have a writing deadline coming up this Friday. 

THIS ISN'T FAIR.  I know life isn't fair.  Usually I don't even expect it to be.  But this morning, I just want to be like "normal" people who don't have to worry about have flashbacks or intrusive memories, who can maybe function at the level that they want to or need to. I'm so tired of having to walk through my daily life with all of the pressure of this, but having to keep it hush hush.  I'm still living in the environment who gave me CPTSD, and so telling them isn't really an option.  I'm tired of feeling different than everyone else.  I'm tried of having to be strong because I know that even on the better days, if I let the full extent of what I'm feeling and dealing with sink in, I'll be down at least for days, maybe longer.  And I don't think I'll be able to keep it a secret.  I'm tired of the SH and suicidal urges that come when I'm in a flashback, and so I have to sit them out, even when my brain is screaming at me that everything is hopeless. 

I am so tired of feeling like I'm living a double life.  Or maybe a triple.  I have to be one person in my highly abusive home to prevent conflict, a competent outgoing person at work to do my job, but in my head I'm a mess and scared and lonely and fighting every day to stay semi-stable. 

And I can't help but wonder what I'd be if none of this happened to me.  I know it isn't really a helpful thought, but once in a while I have to wonder.  Maybe I wouldn't have as much determination because it's taken so much determination to get through 14 years of mental illness, while still trying to get good grades and go to college and ...  But then again, maybe every blasted thing I do wouldn't be so difficult. 

This could be a hard day. 

Hey all,

I'm back with one of my characteristically complex questions. 

How do you identify intrusive memories?  I've been trying to research it, but not having a lot of luck with formal explanations that leave a lot out or personal explanations where people don't seem to know how to tell the difference between an intrusive memory and a flashback.  ( What is the difference?)  Everyone seems confused. I'm having an EF at the moment and that makes everything seem a bit more confusing yet. 

What are the signs for you that you're having an intrusive memory?

A couple of times lately I've had a weird experience where it felt like a memory just "attacked" me out of nowhere.  There was an image associated with it, but the whole thing was gone in less than a second.  I was left having only a foggy sense of what the image was and very little sense of how I knew what memory/event it was connected to or why I felt so startled.  And I'm trying to figure out what's going on.  The image was weird. It was like half-way between an image in your minds eye and something that you could actually see with your physical eyes. It felt like it was superimposed over what I was really seeing. 

Thank you, all of you awesome people.

This is probably one part rant and one part honest question.

How is a person supposed to have a life between the flashbacks and the dissociation and the nightmares and the wonky feelings and the fear and the difficulty sleeping?   Is there even a life in between it?

I'm so frustrated.  I'm trying to work 18 hrs per week (which I know is a lot less than some of you), prepare to present at a conference next week, get a grad school application ready, teach Sunday school, do misc church stuff, take care of home responsibilities, and not maim the narcissist I live with. 

I love my dad.  I really do.  But he and my mom were gone on vacation for three days and it was my first ever taste of what its like to live without him.  And now I'm a bit hard broken that it's gone.  For three days I didn't feel like I had to hide in my own house.  After I got over the "oh my goodness, he's gonna jump out of the bushes at any moment" stage, it was so nice to be able to talk freely and get things done without trying to avoid painful or controversial one-sided conversations with him.  Even though I was stupidly busy, it all seemed a bit more manageable.

And now I'm back to real life.  Busy and constantly on alert for danger. 

I'm sorry I lost the question in this post. 

Any suggestions, since moving isn't actually an option right now (I'm praying for in the fall.)?

How do you make the time management thing work?
How do you manage to both protect your mental health and still get stuff done. 

Thanks.   

I hope I'm not posting annoying often.  There's just a lot I'm trying to figure out right now. 

I'm especially trying to figure out how to identify emotional flashbacks.  So I ask, how often can you have them?  Based on what I've learned I've probably had 3 of differing intensities in the last week and a half.  But that sounds super melodramatic.  But then again, I still live with my abuser, so... he's kind of a walking, talking flashback trigger. 

Opinions?  Insight?  Can emotional flashbacks overlap?  Like you're still getting over one trigger and another thing triggers you?

Gah, I'm starting to identify these things and I feel like a flashback time bomb right now. 

I'm starting to do some research right now, but I also wanted to know what you all think about the topic. 

Thanks!

So yeah.  This happened tonight, which left me kind of hurt and surprised.  And I'm torn between thinking that I'm way too sensitive and thinking that the other person involved was trying to make me feel crazy or ashamed.  Any sort of constructive input would be greatly appreciated. 

So, I bought a ring based on the rings from the Lord of the Rings, with the Elvish inscriptions and everything.  I really like it, and I'm telling this person about it, probably not for the first time over the last couple of days.  This person, I'll call him D, tells me about this group of people who heard about who used to wear the rings and think they really had the powers and bla bla bla.  And then asks me, "Do you think you have powers?" totally dead pan.  And just waits for an answer.  At this point, I'm so dumbfounded by the question (I am a very conservative and not altogether unstudied Christian, as is D) that I'm just staring at him.  I watch his face fall with this look of like "Oh my goodness, does she really?" before I manage to get out, "Why would you even ask that?"  To which he replies "I was just joking" and puts a smile on his face.

I know this is a stupidly mundane question, but I'm still trying to learn to identify gaslighting, etc.  And your help would sure be appreciated. 

Thank you so much.   

I talked to my therapist and she agreed that though it isn't a DSM diagnosis, the concept of C-PTSD suits me well.

So, I have Complex PTSD, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that yet.  But at least there is a label for what I'm experiencing. 

Well, I have therapy tomorrow, and I've got to figure out what I think about this week.   

I don't know if she subscribes to the C-PTSD, emotional flashback ideas, so I'm afraid to tell her "well...I had this emotional flashback and felt like crud for the next three days, for two of which I could hardly function.  When I went out the third one, I kept looking around at the people in the store with me thinking "Please don't hurt me.  Please don't hurt me.  Please don't hurt me."

But whether she likes the term or not, it feels so validating to me.  Instead of saying I had this weird meltdown that I didn't understand, I like giving it a label.  I like being able to say, "No, this is a flashback and it has to do with my past and it people don't like it they can go take a long walk off of a short pier."  Having a title for it somehow gives me permission not to blame myself as much for it.  I realize that emotional flashbacks are social constructs just as much as mental disorders, etc. are.  But emotional flashbacks and C-PTSD are constructs that have helped me to feel understood for the first time in my life.  Before I just felt weird because I acted I had been traumatized, but I didn't have PTSD, so nobody quite knew what to do with me, and I didn't know how to explain it to anybody.  So I wasn't "sick" enough to have a diagnosis, but I wasn't well enough live my life like other people.  Before, I didn't know that my emotional flashbacks weren't normal. 

I think I've been having those blasted things my entire adult life.  I think those 2.5 years of nightmares I had were CPTSD nightmares.  They confused my doctor because they weren't of the same things and they weren't reliving any particular trauma.  All of the times I would share a little piece of myself and then melt down, at first for a couple days, was me having emotional flashbacks.  I was brave to push through those, and believe that they would get better as I got more used to confiding in others. 

But that had to have been an emotional flashback Saturday.  I had the toxic shame that everybody talks about, in this case, a belief that I was too flawed to ever be close to another person, a belief that I was unlovable, the feeling that I would always be alone.  And I was anxious - anxious that people would realize I would freaking out or that I wouldn't be able to hold the tears back.  And my logical brain just shut off.  I didn't know how to do anything about any of it. 

Seriously, I have to explain this tomorrow?   

Please remember what what you're doing right now takes an incredible amount of strength and courage.

It takes the courage to intentionally face memories and fears that you could just as easily run away from. 

It takes the strength to resist the lies that your thoughts are telling you. 

It takes the courage to work on things that in the short term cause anxiety, depression, dissociation, and even flashbacks, believing that life will be better for it in the long run. 

It takes the courage to force yourself to face your therapist week after week and admit that you're struggling, that you have ugly parts in your life, that you hold memories that no one should have to hold onto. 

It takes courage to be humble enough to admit for the 15th week in a row that you still feel like crud. 

It takes strength to refuse to give your personality up to your trauma or disorder. 

It takes courage to search though all the trash to find yourself again.   

It takes both strength and courage to function day after day at whatever level, even though you don't feel like it.


What you're doing is amazing.  I'm proud of you. 

Feel free to add more things that take strength and courage in replies.