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Topics - sunkitten

#1
Right now I feel like that character in the Sopranos tv show, the one that uttered, "Just when you think you got out, they pull you back in..." (sorry, I can't remember the whole of the character's speech, so am paraphrasing it).

Today I got an email from my late uncle's older stepdaughter, going on about how she and her husband have spent many happy times hiking, snowshoeing and hunting on my late father's land. The two stepdaughters inherited my uncle's land when he died almost a year after my father. Both stepdaughters, along with their families, have been using my late father's land without asking me if it was okay.

(Backstory: My father was abusive emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually to me, and also to my mother. I disclosed my father's abuse to my mother at age 19 after one incident; there was another, worse incident six months later and I told my mother about that one too. She believed me without question. Unfortunately, after the second incident she then contacted the remaining members of my father's NFOO -- his brother and brother's wife and my father's half-sister. They accused me of making it up because my father refused to fill out and sign financial disclosure papers for my college. In the years since, my uncle, his wife, and my half-aunt have all died, along with my father, and the only ones left with any connection to my father's FOO are my uncle's two stepdaughters. Neither stepdaughter had any contact with my father since their marriages in the early 1970s except for Christmas cards and annual renting of his land during hunting season. The younger stepdaughter decided to start being "friendlier" to my father when he became terminally ill, and because my father was a malignant narcissist, was all too happy to lie to him regarding my hours of work, availability to run my father's errands on command, etc., in effect taking advantage of the strained relationship he and I had following many years of abuse. He signed over his retirement fund to her eight months before his death, keeping it a secret from me (I didn't know about the retirement fund's existence until after he'd passed away), but the laws in my country state the estate is liable for taxes paid on disbursement of a retirement fund after the owner's death. It effectively disinherited me as everything my father owned will go for the taxes on the money the younger stepdaughter received.)

I am really upset that my email address was given out by someone I'd recently contracted to harvest the timber on my late father's land, and upset that this older stepdaughter would have the effrontery to email me saying that they've been using the land and still want to use it. The timber man has been given exclusive access by me, not only to harvest the timber, but also to hunt on the land during the three hunting seasons between now and the end of 2016. I'm sure he's not aware of the backstory here and the older stepdaughter likely represented herself as part of my family in order to get my email address.

Every time I've had to have contact with any member of my father's NFOO, it's been like this: they might have had an arrangement with my father to use his land, but they have treated me like dirt since my mother disclosed the abuse many years ago, and have consistently discounted anything I had to say regarding my father. Nor have they ever asked me my own side of the story. They have never asked my permission to use the land, just gone ahead and used it whenever they wanted, making money off the landscape paintings they sell, having fun with their winter activities there. They also own an adjacent plot of land which they inherited from my late uncle, and IMO that should be enough for them considering everything else.

The problem with these continuing attempts at contact by the stepdaughters is that I get triggered into nightmares and emotional flashbacks. I expect that the older stepdaughter will be giving my email address to her sister, the one who has caused so much pain in my life when my father was in his final months, and that the younger stepdaughter's attorney will continue to demand money from me as happened last winter. They're not satisfied with what my father gave them but seem to want to take everything I have, which isn't much. Both stepdaughters have plenty of family support, good jobs, nice homes and businesses, yet they seem to think I, a disabled woman without any family, husband, kids, good job, etc., should just lie down and take it while they strip me of everything else.

I haven't answered the older stepdaughter's email yet, mostly because their continuing entitlement attitude upsets and baffles me and makes me want to tell her exactly what my father did to me, in detail. I know that's JADEing but I need to do something to get these people to leave me alone. My doctor has me on benzodiazepines, a small dosage, because of the stress... but that's not a good long-term solution to the nightmares. Help please?

#2
Depression / Panic attacks
October 10, 2014, 08:46:11 PM
I'm going through a pretty bad situation in my life right now, and can't seem to cope very well with everything that is happening (basically, I'm out of work, visibly disabled, and am frantically trying to find a job so that I won't be out on the street... I do get an annuity, but it's insufficient to live on, so regardless of the fact that I am in constant pain I don't have much choice about getting out there and trying to find another job).

The bills are piling up, and calls from creditors are enough to throw me into a panic attack where I can't even think. It's truly debilitating. My late uNPD/ASPD father was well aware that financial insecurity and the fear of living on the street is one of my biggest fears, and when he moved in with me after becoming ill deliberately caused issues with late payments. After he went into the nursing home, he'd ask me to come and visit to talk about my "future goals", and then suggest that I could be an escort or get a room in some elderly man's home in return for cooking, cleaning and providing sexual services (my father sexually abused me, among other things, so these suggestions were extremely triggering). It's not like there's a huge market out there for middle-aged "escorts" with visibly twisted spines, even if it were something I would ever consider!

So I'm wondering how best to cope with these panic attacks, in order to find a job which will get me earning again and start paying my creditors. I've been applying to places online, but am a real mess internally right now. And I'm afraid that once a potential employer sees me in person, the only thing he/she will see is my twisted spine and mentally discount me as someone to be hired. I'm even willing to drive a cab overnight, if that's what it takes but need to get my panic under control without resorting to taking medication.

I'd really appreciate any suggestions. Thanks in advance.
#3
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi, I'm Sharon
September 22, 2014, 03:42:56 AM
Hello to all. :) I recognize some names on here from OOTF, so some of you may have read my posts there.

I grew up as part of a military family, but when I was seven our family moved to the town where we would spend the remainder of my father's military career. We didn't have any extended family close by -- my father's FOO lived a hundred miles away, and my mother's were over a thousand miles away.

All of my family are dead now, including extended family, and my late father I strongly suspect had NPD/ASPD. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD around 2002, due to extreme physical, sexual, financial and emotional abuse suffered while growing up as the SG in my family. I'm also permanently disabled due to neglect of developing scoliosis during childhood, and have chronic pain from that and fibromyalgia, so am unable to work full-time.

My father died almost six years ago; however, it was only last year that I as executrix was able to start probate on his estate because he'd designated his brother's stepdaughter as his financial POA in the last year of his life, and she repeatedly refused to turn over his financial documents to me or any mail that arrived at her house for the estate. The week probate completed I received some devastating news that he'd essentially disinherited me, despite my disability and having taken care of him for many years following my mother's death. (The whole story is so long, and already posted over at OOTF, that I won't repost it here). I started to research narcissism shortly afterward, and realized that he was very likely a malignant narcissist -- it explains so much about his treatment of me over the years and about his final betrayal concerning his estate.

I've done a lot of grieving over this, the realization that he had never loved me and the many lies he told to me and others so that he would appear to be a good person to all except his immediate family. Due to my financial circumstances I can't afford therapy, but do see a counselor once a month to six weeks -- had to leave work last year because of chronic pain but also because the woman who manipulated my father into giving her everything has a daughter who works there, and it was triggering me so badly that the nightmares were almost constant.

Since the realization of my father's NPD/ASPD, and coming to OOTF months ago, another piece of the puzzle has fallen into place: my PTSD is really CPTSD. I've read all of the articles on Pete Walker's website, and bought his book on the subject last week, in my effort to become functional enough to stop isolating and get another job, and start rebuilding my life.

I have no husband or children, just two wonderful elderly cats who have been my lifeline. It's incredibly hard for me to trust people although (intellectually, at least) I realize there are safe people out there.

Thanks for opening this board for those of us who are dealing with CPTSD and are looking for ways to help us in our recoveries.