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Hi lovelies. So this whole move of publicly exposing sexual predators in the workplace environment - beginning with Hollywood and heading into congress - its pretty big and is only going to get bigger. On one hand I am overjoyed as its well overdue (WELL OVERDUE) on the other hand it's shining a light on something so many of us have lived and are grappling with, bringing up emotions and memories. Whether we spoke up or stayed silent - whether we lived with those who enabled the abusers - this can be a huge, perhaps *unwelcome* reminder of our own scenarios no matter how long ago things happened. Or... it could look like there are people starting to stand up to mistreatment and abuse of other humans - and the huge misuse of power. It's ugly, and widespread. But we are not alone, you are not alone. Strength in numbers! #Metoo  XX

This has been happening for 19 years now - amazing husband, supportive and loyal but has some sexsomia issues - as in whilst asleep or mostly asleep he occasionally tries to initiate stuff - on the odd instance he will jump on me, give me a * of a fright... totally unaware of his actions unless I wake him by hitting him or shoving him away.
I have had years of sleeping on the edge and am nervous of any movement, I wake right up angry and ashamed - completely retraumatized and head straight into freeze/dissociating. The feeling is such that I can't complain and even have trouble calling it what it is. Which leaves me distraught and feeling trapped, and not respected but violated. The same old feeling that my body "doesn't belong to me." 
Does anyone else have experience with this? I love him a lot, really I do and he is such a good man and hates that he does this. Right now though I want to never share a bed with him, and all trust feels eroded. Sad.
Thanks, so glad for this forum.


This is from wikipedia....
Sleep sex, or sexsomnia, is a condition in which a person will engage in sexual activities while asleep. This condition falls within the broad class of sleep disorders known as parasomnias. In extreme cases, sexsomnia has been alleged, and accepted, as at least a part of the cause of sexual assault, including rape.

Hi everyone! so glad for this forum....
Its been dawning on me how vast my trauma and response to stress and life in general is. I have always been really confused and forgetful about my childhood - baffled, unsure etc... Just when i thought the (multiple) sexual abuse were the source of my troubles I started seeing my solo mother's neglect of me - the lack of parenting, coaching and connection and it stretches as far as the eye can see. She tried, did her best but her apparent contempt of me shaped my view of myself.

I didn't know my pain level, didn't know what anxiety was, didn't know how to say no, didn't recognise when I was uncomfortable, had no idea about a sense of 'self". I avoid people coz I can't seem to set boundaries and close off a conversation - too aware of their feelings which seem more important than any of mine. Too vague and willing to just see what happens without taking control etc etc...lots and lots of doormat symptoms. I have just figured out what Pete Walker means by "abandonment melange" and thats what I feel so frequently. Another of those slowly coming back to self-awareness moments, recognising that. Its like I missed a whole subject in school, and know nothing of whats going on with me. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd 4 years ago, such a help.

Back to my mother - she couldn't let me say no to her and would go super cold, shut me out if I tried to set my identity or question things, state my needs - as a kid does. Her own mum had some crazy seasonal disorder - clinical depression half the year every year and was full of harsh judgement, sulky huffy looks and thinly hidden insults. My Nana died last year - she helped to raise me when my mum was dealing with her violent ex husband in the courts... and took me in during her second marriage breakup... and I adored my Nana, hated her too at the same time - she was so affectionate yet cruel to me, said I was the most like her yet was so jealous of me, would shoot me a look like a mean girl out of a teenage movie. Grieving her was so hard with these mixed emotions. Still don't understand what her problem was.

Anyways, she did a number on my mum. Mum told me just after my wedding she "never chose me, I chose her" - part of some  toxic spiritual theory she still adheres to - conveniently absolving her of any responsibility of mothering. She believes her sister (2 years older) was her mother in a former life and has told her that - and adjusted their relationship to fit that belief. I am shaking my head even now... grasping for logic, none to be had. And she's a successful salesperson, seems together.

Growing up, my mum taught me hardly anything. She just didn't talk, I knew on some level she was traumatised herself, but still I never felt wanted. My dad beat her severely in the stomach when she was 9 months pregnant with me to make her miscarry and she has told me she spent months deep depression when I was born, and thus begins the attachment disorder. Now it seems the only thing she feels all unconditional love-like for is her animals. So now we live the other side of the world, and we haven't been back for 3 years. I love her so much though, its really really hard to do this, I can't confront her again - her words when they come are like a knife.

I am tired of feeling hypervigilant/invisible and unwanted all the time - I have an adorable family (4 kids) of my own and an amazing husband. He wears a lot of disconnection, and is so strong - deserve so much more love than I can give him. I wish I could find and afford a therapist, but we just can't do it right now, I feel the necessity though.

Thanks for the venting space, its a little all over the place but am sure you get the idea.

Hi out there! So with much sadness and confusion it appears as though I am ALL of the 4 F's - Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. Different triggers bring on different, albeit harrowing EF's and I get stuck in all responses. I have been taking stock, becoming mindful for the first time with diligence and spend a huge amount of my week every week in flashbacks. Argh! I'm attending CoDa - 12 step program for CoDependents (which is amazing btw) - but am slowly realizing I have much more to wade through and feel like an oddity. Pete Walker says you may oscillate between 2 responses as your go-to - or even a hybrid of 2.... but doesn't mention having problems with all of them.  Does anyone else have this conundrum? This really sucks. All C-PTSD symptoms suck. Repeated and varied trauma all through my childhood has seemingly tipped my brain upside down. Still, life is a beautiful thing. Thankful for this community! X

Hi to all you amazing and brave people in this community. It has taken me close to a year to pluck up the courage to post an intro or anything really - I have been so terrified of trusting anyone and speaking up for myself but with making positive tiny yet giant steps towards recovery I am opening up a little.

I was diagnosed C-PTSD 3 years ago, after growing up with neglect and abandonment issues loving my unreachable, broken mum struggling with her own tragic trauma. My dad was diagnosed Schizophrenic when I was 3 - but he was very violent/abusive in all ways possible -  I have suspected sexual abuse from him. I was then abused by my stepfather from age 9 and he went to great lengths to hide it resulting in other abuse, alienating me from my family, punishing me with months of being 'grounded' aside from school attendance, he once kept me from seeing a doctor while I was gravely ill with a burst-appendix so he could look after me - that resulted in a midnight rush to the hospital into emergency theatre to save me (I lost half the inside of my stomach to gangrene omg!) but I was just so glad my mum was noticing me and caring for me as she floored it to the nearest city ER...

  After the abuse was revealed my mother and grandmother declared me a liar, a dreamer and that I just wanted attention. "when I asked you about it, you didn't respond like you should if it were true" - was my mothers rationale, so critical and cold. She had even seen him doing it when I was ill, looked me right in the eye then immediately blocked it out. Herself a victim of her grandfather.

Long story short (ish) - I have over my life been drawn to and consumed by narcissist, cold personality types - both male and female, I was raped at 17, sexually assaulted at 21; I struggled with some drug dependency, promiscuity, amongst high drama relationships - all codependent - BUT then amazingly and surprisingly I met a loving, loyal yet imperfect man with a good heart... we've been married 17 years and have 4 beautiful children. I have a quiet yet deep faith in a God that has seen my bitter anger at the unfairness, and given me strong safe arms to cry in and hope for the following day.  And I have a career as a music composer although its been on hold with this stuff saturating me. But I am for once running no more, and am committed to recovery. Everyday, things become a little clearer, as confusion and loss of self get the shakedown.  I've started attending a local CoDa support group, which is awesome and helpful btw. Big props to Pete Walker, Richard Grannon on the ole Youtube and to all you survivors, your stories and your vulnerabilities and lives are precious.
Thanks for reading X