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I've dealt with a chronically painful bladder for 30 years. The formal name for my diagnosis is interstitial cystitis, which is basically a damaged bladder wall that causes constant pain.

Last week new guidelines for treatment of IC came out; and one thing they did was to group people into three categories:  bladder-specific pain, pelvic floor pain, and overlapping pain syndrome. The latter was describe as people having other disorders along with IC such as fibromyalgia, TMJ, IBS . . . and also said these patients were also likely to deal with depression and anxiety, which could relate to an overactive central nervous system.

I have depression, anxiety, and OCD. I also have TMJ and possibly have fibro. That description fit me to a T. And when I thought about everything that fed into me having depression and anxiety — childhood bullying, an abusive church, some bad roommate relationships, a son with autism, and these days, just general circumstances — and I got very, very angry.

I haven't thrown things or screamed at anyone; but I did have a nice, angry talk with God.

Processing this anger is not going to happen overnight. I'm in therapy and this will come up in my next session.

I have SI on occasion.  NO, I do not have a plan nor would I follow through. But I just want out from under everything. There seems like so much going on and I at times just lose the energy to get through it. I have a special needs son, I have my own physical/mental problems, and my feeling is that I just can't cope. I'd rather have someone else cope. (I have also been ill the last day or so and things always look worse when I'm sick.)

But I also have a list of people who would be devastated if I weren't here, and my poor son would be traumatized.

I do not get classic "panic attacks", i.e. I do not sweat and feel like I have had a heart attack.  But I do get very tense at times.  The last couple of days, I have felt tense and anxious, especially at the computer.  I've been doing a lot of proofreading work this week and one job in particular really exhausted me. 

There are times a "switch flips" in my brain and it shuts down, saying, "No more, I can't do anything more." 

Could these be symptoms of anxiety/panic attacks?

I think the tweak I got in my meds a few months ago was very helpful.  I'm not finding myself in the black hole as much as I have been. 

I will probably be poking my head in here a bit less than I normally have, but I didn't want people to think I'd forgotten them.  I hope everyone else is doing OK. :-)

I don't really know where to put this comment; if it's better off in another forum, please go ahead and move it.

In a discussion in another social media forum, I commented about the "other side" being too powerful.  Someone replied with, they are only as powerful as you let them be, and also,they only have the power you give them.

There may be something to this statement that is true, but something seems off about it and I don't know what it is.

These are the feelings I've been having lately.  It's always my fault.  It's never the fault of the other person.  No matter what I do, say, or think , it doesn't matter.  I am the one who always has to apologize.  I'm supposed to listen to others but no one has to listen to me.  I'm supposed to understand the other person but no one has to understand me.

And look at the number of times I've used the word "I" in this sentence.  I don't know if I'm being selfish or self-centered or not! 

I'm not in the world's best place right now.

I had my yearly discussion with my GYN about hormones and told her that there were times I felt terribly depressed but, after I changed the estrogen patch I was wearing, I felt better the next day.  She did prescribe me a patch with a higher hormone level, and I have been feeling better since then.  (I'm in my mid-50's and post-menopausal.) 

For me, I think this has helped my mental outlook, and hormones mightbe something for others to look into if they're dealing with depression.  (I stress the might part; depression, etc. has plenty of causes, not all of them hormonal.) 

I also know hormonal therapy, medication, etc. isn't a substitute for doing therapy, doing mental work, setting boundaries, etc.  I also worry because I am at a higher risk for breast cancer (this is part of dealing with hormone replacement therapy, being told that it could raise the risk for breast cancer.  Which is why I get my mammograms regularly.  Gee, what a tradeoff, depression vs. cancer!)   

Plus, for me, it makes sense that if you deal with a medical condition and you see some improvement, that frees up energy you've been using on the medical condition which you can then use to work on other issues.  (Make sense?)

We're leaving Friday to go on vacation!  As part of that vacation, we're helping to celebrate my mother in law's 90th birthday.

So I'll be checking out until around the 21st.

I had a meltdown last night over several things; the major trigger was that my computer was not working properly. 

I yelled, screamed, swore while in the car.

Today, when talking with my counselor, I told her that even though I was very angry and frustrated, I was able to NOT take it out on the people at Walmart.

She said, that's a big deal right there.

It made me think that I had more self-control than I give myself credit for.

You all need an emoticon that says $#%$#, I'd use it often.

I'm 54 and I'm still crying over bullying that happened when I was five.  (And six, seven, eight . . .)  What I'm so angry about is that it NEVER STOPPED and I was given NO TOOLS to stop it with.  They WERE more powerful.  THey DID hold all the cards.  I didn't.  It was the same in the church group I was part of.  The leaders held all the power.  I didn't.  I didn't dare talk back to a bully and I didn't dare talk back to a leader.  They ALWAYS had a answer.  ALWAYS.  I can't win.  I am ALWAYS in the wrong.  Even today, I am ALWAYS the one who feels like they are in the wrong.

What did I do that was so horrible to make people treat me so badly?
What did I do that was so awful?
Why do other people always seem more powerful than I do?
God is supposed to be on the side of the powerless but he sometimes just does not seem to be on my side.  I can't figure out what he wants.  I'm afraid of screwing up, getting it wrong, and having him punish me.

I'm 54.  When do I get better?  Ever?

My BFF has told me that I need to stop worrying about what other people think of me.

i don't know how to.

Because I am afraid of getting hollered at, criticized, or whatever.  EVERYONE has an answer for EVERYTHING, EXCEPT ME.  EVERYONE can answer accusations, questions, etc. and tell what they believe and why they believe it, EXCEPT ME.

I don't know what to do to stop worrying about what other people think. 

There's been a few days in these last few weeks where I've lain in bed at night thinking about ways to do suicide. 

Usually, the next morning, I wake up feeling a bit better.  I suspect some of mine may be chemical/hormonal; I am in menopause and sometimes, I've noticed that my very bad days coincide with times that I didn't change a hormone patch. 

Even with a child that has special needs, that's hard enough.  But add in CPTSD, depression, OCD, past experiences of bullying and spiritual abuse, chronic health issues, debt, and the current state of the country . . . I am not surprised that I want to "check out".  THAT'S really what I want.  It's not the death, it's wanting to get out from under everything. 

And even with realizing that, I find myself rather discouraged and rather frustrated. 

I had a bad week last week, with depression and physical illness.  So this week, I did something a little different.  I wrote a funny play about the voices in my head getting together for their daily meeting of "make Allie miserable" only to find Allie at the door with a baseball bat.

The voices haven't been driven out yet, but they know I'm watching.

During a fellowship time after church, a person I know started talking about recent sexual harassment allegations in the news and was rather critical of the women who have come forward. 

There are times I would have just nodded my head.  Not yesterday.  I told her that I didn't agree, I had some very strong feelings about this, and I didn't want to get into the discussion.  While I may have come off a little too strongly, it was just one time where I'd had enough of the subject.  And I put my foot down and said, I don't agree and I don't want to get into it. 

A doctor's appointment I've been dreading all week turned out to be MUCH better than I thought.  The numbers (blood sugar and A1C) were actually good numbers, even though they registered as "high" on my blood work.  My non-fasting blood sugar was 127, which my endocrinologist told me was normal.  My A1C dropped from a 6.0 to a 5.7.

He was also very nice when I told him I was having a rough time exercising and suggested a recumbent bike and/or water aerobics. 

All my other bloodwork came back normal.

And today I lost two pounds at Weight Watchers. 

I kicked myself for my overblown fear.  Then said I was only allowed to beat myself up until I got out of the parking lot. 

I see this doc again in six months.

I do my share of sharing not-so-good stuff here; I figured I can share some good stuff here as well.

There have been two times in my life when I knew there was no way out of a long-term situation.

The first was when I was either in 11th or 12th grade and I said something about being picked on.  My sister said, "Well, they've been picking on you since grade school." 

I knew then there wasn't any way out, that the bullies would always be there.

The second was when I told the woman who was my "prayer partner" at the time, in an abusive church that I was part of, that I wanted to focus on other things in my life and not worry about getting visitors to Bible study (which was stronglyemphasized, and you were criticized if you didn't bring people.) 

She said, "I think you ought to expect to have visitors."

That's when I knew there was no way out.  There would be no way out of the pressure. 

Eventually, I graduated from high school and college.  The school bullying stopped and I left the abusive church.

Why can't I let it go?

Do I just want people to feel sorry for me?

I've been through a hurricane, and I've been fortunate enough to not have PTSD from it.  I rode out Andrew.  However,I lived in an area that just got a lot of wind and some rain.  The worst problem I has was that my AC didn't work for a week!  Others lost everything.

I did see a posting at another site talking about how Katrina victims could be triggered by Harvey.    

My main problem is that, like a train wreck, I am having a hard time pulling myself away from the Weather Channel.  I just brought my computer upstairs so I can get to work for pay!

IT WILL NOT SHUT UP!!!

I'm trying to write a novel.  I'm on my third rewriting.  I'm freezing up every time I sit at the keyboard and try to work. 

In other areas, it seems that everyone else has an answer for everything . . . except me.  I just sit there and think, "Uh-uh-uh."  I don't debate well and have been told that it's not my gift. 

Why can everyone else have a say and I can't? 

Just for once, I want to win an argument!

1.  I've been a bit irritable for about a week.  The "success" part is knowing that part of it is chemically based--I have been waiting a week for a refill of an estrogen patch from my pharmacy, and I'm completely OUT.     I can cope better, though, when I have an idea of what's going on, and I will tell myself, "No one's fault here; it's a chemical problem and it can be resolved." 

2.  After having FOUR NIGHTS in a row of church activities--three nights of Vacation Bible School and one night of praise team practice--I called #selfcare and didn't take any work from the people I work for on Thursday and Friday.  On one of those evenings, I dropped my son at church and, instead of going to the adults' class for VBS, I went up the street to Burger King and journaled for an hour.  I was in a foul mood and didn't want to take it out on anyone.  I went back to the church building in a better frame of mind. 

I got up on Saturday morning and realized that I'd been telling myself a lot of lies.  The biggest ones are that no one likes me and everyone lies.

It's not true that no one likes me.  I have plenty of people who like me.  It's true that not everyone will like me (that's just a fact of life.)  It's also true that the vast majority of people in the world don't even know that I exist. 

With the business of "everyone lies", I don't want to be paranoid and not believe anyone.  What I want is a healthy skepticism.  It's tough to dig through what is true and what is not in this day and age of information overload.