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Topics - joyful

#1
Hi everyone

It's been so long since I posted last.. I miss you all and think about you!

So this week my family is out of town, but, major victory for me, I stayed home. I worked everything out even though they made it so hard. I found a place to stay and a car to borrow.

Last night though as I was pulling out of work I totalled the car I was borrowing :'( I'm fine, but the car is unrepairable. As you can imagine, my inner critic is having the time if her life.
Telling me how of course I managed to destroy someone else's car, maybe your parents were right about not letting you drive, you're so stupid, you get one week of total freedom and you ruin it and have to pay all kinds if things from the money you were saving to move out.


I'm trying to keep the opinion that my coworkers and friends have that the car doesn't matter, I'm lucky I'm ok. But something tells me when my parents find out they're going to care more about their insurance premium going up. Not that's that's unexpected or anything. -_-

I'm trying to tell myself that it's not completely my fault, that there were trees and it was somewhat of a blind turn and that my parents didn't prepare me well enough. But deep down the voice is saying no you're just stupid.

I need to show them same compassion for myself as I would for any one else..

This post is all over the place.

I have to go into court next week to find out how much I'll have to pay for my citation. That's terrifying to me.

I'm out of words now. Thanks for reading
#2
Checking Out / Less posting next few months
May 26, 2017, 06:59:19 PM
Hi everyone

It's been a few weeks since I got on.. my semester in college ended and now I'm working full time. I miss all of you, and think about you all almost daily!  :hug: But there's this thing where I'm afraid to get on at home, in case F is watching or like, can see my internet history... so yeah. I'm still here and I'll be back, but an going to be pretty quiet.
Just want to let you all know I care about you  :hug:
#3
Successes, Progress? / I'M MOVING OUT!!! :)
April 21, 2017, 06:15:09 PM
I'm so excited, in the fall i'm moving out of toxic parents' house!!!  :yahoo: I signed the lease yesterday and have my move-in date late August. It's a huge step for me, cuz now I can focus on healing instead of keeping my head above water as more abuse is piled on each day. the hard part will be maintaining boundaries... i need to go LC but will be severely guilted into coming "home" as often as possible. trying to prepare myself now...
#4
So the other day, I was looking for an  important document of mine and stumbled upon F's birth certificate. Do you know what it said? That he's NINE years older than he told us he was???  ??? :stars: He always said he was the same age as my mom, but nope, actually almost ten years older. First, that's a really big gap, but second WHY has he lied my entire life about his age?? Is it a narc thing about appearing younger than they are or... I honestly have no idea. I'm not sure when he was planning to tell us, like were we just supposed to find out after he died how old he really was?? That sounds like a huge problem.
Plus, now there's all kinds of confusion about what I the progression of his life events. If he actually did meet my mom in college (which he claims to, but who knows i guess) that would mean he was in college for like 12 or 13 years. He didn't go to grad school. Nothing is lining up as far as that goes.

I'm kinda just reeling from this. Why would he lie? What is he hiding? or is he hiding nothing and just doesn't want to admit his age? What else is false??  :stars: :stars: :stars:
#5
Emotional Abuse / Effects of childhood isolation
April 17, 2017, 04:26:12 PM
I was so isolated growing up. and i guess still am...
Never did anything with friends, cuz there was no one "good enough" for me to play with. everyone was a "bad influence" on me. In other words, they were NORMAL. and being around them I might get ideas in my head about things i *should* be doing. I stopped asking to go over to friends' houses. I hated bringing friends over to mine, in case they might witness F yelling. I stopped having birthday parties. (these were always a way for my parents to put on a face of how good they were).
Anyway, there's much much more of that, but my problem is that now, i continue to isolate out of habit. Yes, I am very introverted, and i don't have a problem with that. In public I feel like i have three eyes or something so wildly different from the rest of people. I can't decide how much of that is normal introverted-ness, and how much is because as a child (and still!) I was to be seen and not heard, i walked behind, I said yes daddy and then i'd shut up. i know that today i feel like everyone thinks that way about me...that i'm so completely different and LESS. Fundamentally less than everyone else. that was kind of a realization that i could feel, but never exactly put into words before..
I don't feel like i should deserve the same things as others, i expect to be ignored, belittled, to have every simple request denied. This gives me a lot of struggle trying to practice self-care. It seems scary and dangerous to try and say that I need something... I'm trying to overcome it, and let myself have needs and express myself, but both feel very dangerous. It feels like everything I ask for i'm going to be made fun of for asking for, or get a harsh "no, leave me alone". I feel the need to apologize for every word and action.
Well, this post has taken kind of a different track than I expected. Not as much about isolation, but about ... something else that I can't think of a name for right now..
#6
Ideas/Tools for Recovery / A quote
April 03, 2017, 04:48:46 PM
I can't decide where exactly to post this, but I love it and think it's super important and applicable to everyone here.

"It's not your fault and you aren't less than enough. you aren't what they did to you. you aren't the person that grew in all crooked and bent under the pressure of what happened to you. you aren't the awkwardness that came from being stepped on and over-pruned. You are the spirit that survived. You are the deep roots that continued to grow beneath the surface even when you were outwardly rejected. you are the life that went on despite being mowed over time and again.  You are the beauty that remained, waiting patiently for the right time to bloom. And now, because you held on even when the world turned away, your strength and compassion are the kind that know no end. You, my dear, are so much more than enough. you are exceptional--because you survived, because you beat the odds, because you are a warrior, a self-taught healer, and because you have become a beacon of hope for others who suffered like you"
--Cristen Rodgers

:hug:  to everyone
#7
General Discussion / Healthily Expressing Emotions
March 23, 2017, 04:06:53 PM
I have a really hard time with this. I swing between keeping all my emotions inside and using the people close to me as "emotional dumpsters". There is no in between for me. It makes me really sad, cuz I know that it can turn manipulative, which I don't want to be at all! I'm scared that I'm gonna turn out like F  :'( I'm terrified that I'll turn manipulative :'( I know I'm not doing it intentionally, but... I don't even know how to healthily express my negative emotions. In my childhood I was taught that I wasn't allowed to have negative emotion, so things build up inside me until they explode. I don't know what I'm saying here, but I realized this and it's scaring me :'(
#8
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Coping Strategies?
March 15, 2017, 03:32:54 PM
I don't want to say very much, I will probably end up crossing the line.
But how do you guys cope with suicidal ideation or passive suicidal thought? self-harm impulses?
I'm not in danger or anything, but I struggle sometimes, and those are not fun thoughts to have bouncing around.
#9
Emotional Abuse / Apologies
March 13, 2017, 03:17:32 PM
Yesterday I was effectively disowned from my family. Because I stood up for myself against abuse FINALLY. F told me his love for me ended when I stood up for myself and my right to make my own decisions, told me to get out of his house now. So i said fine, I'll go then. I was serious and wanted to show him that. Lots of terrible things were said, and it was horrible. literally SO awful and painful. So I went to church (i go to a different one than the rest of my fam) and then all during it, he was blowing up my phone telling me how sorry he was and how much he loved me  :stars: I'm still mad though. He said  A LOT of very very hurtful things to me. I'm afraid that if i "forgive" and go back to normal, it will eventually be me relinquishing my boundaries, and I can't do that. I really need to leave and get out, but now that he has taken back kicking me out i feel guilty about it again. (saturday I was close to flat out running away). I went over to a friends house all afternoon yesterday. I didn't ask permission, just said I was going and would be back later. Which was good, i really needed to be out. But I had to go back of course. I don't want to be there anymore. his yelling and hurtful words are still ringing in my ears. I'm getting shamed by other members of my family to forgive him, he didn't mean it...whatever.
So I'm very confused...how do i take his apologies? He's apologized before, but it always happens again. how do I hold a boundary without being cruel? I don't want to punish him. But I also can't go back..something has to change.
I'm sorry, this is confusing... I don't know what to think. I'm completely drained.
Thanks for reading  :stars:
#10
AV - Avoidance / How do you NOT dissociate?
March 06, 2017, 03:47:12 PM
I feel like i am constantly dissociated and detached from my body and emotions. I can feel myself hurting so so much under the surface, but it's like i don't know how to access it or let it come out in healthy ways, so it finally breaks out in unhealthy ways. Sometimes I'll try to just feel whatever negative emotions are there, but I only can for a short time before i shove them down again. I do a lot of journalling to try and access them, but i numb myself from them as i write about it. Does that make any sense at all?

Does anyone have advice on how to stop this?
#11
General Discussion / A Thought
March 05, 2017, 08:56:06 PM
I have had horrific things happen to me, but I am not horrific.
#12
Employment / Interview today!
February 10, 2017, 04:13:47 PM
I have an interview for an internship today... I'm excited, because it's something I'm excited about BUT  I'm super nervous cuz I don't think well on my feet. It's for a writing position, which is great cuz it'll be mostly on my own (I won't have to deal with other people--yay!!)
I'm feeling kind of proud of myself for applying and putting myself out there. It feels to find something productive that I want to do.
Just gotta not make a fool of myself in the interview...
#13
Hi everyone
I doubt I'm the only one here with big time trust issues...I can't seem to find any words right now but does anyone have advice on letting yourself trust? I know I am not obligated to trust anyone, but I'm tired of not trusting people that I *should* and seeing red flags EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for reading
#14
Sexual Abuse / Intrusive Images?
January 19, 2017, 04:36:42 PM
(Sorry for posting so much)

Does anyone kinda know what I'm talking about? Scary, disturbing things popping into your head? Sometimes they're triggered but sometimes they come out of the blue. I've dealt with them for as long as I can remember. I used to just think I had a dirty mind for thinking such things but now I'm not sure.
Can anyone relate?
#15
(I'm using like all my willpower to not apologize for posting so much...)
I just barely posted about not having explicit memories of SA, but over the weekend some things came to me. Things that I've always known, but have always looked at in the wrong way.
I do remember some instances of inappropriate touching when I was like 11 or 12 (and other things in my childhood...). I was uncomfortable when it happened, but ignored it because the person wasn't *meaning* to hurt me... guess what I realized yesterday?? It doesn't matter what they intended, if I was uncomfortable then I was uncomfortable! Just because they didn't *mean to* doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. And it wasn't like accidental touching either. It was definitely on purpose, but I pushed away how I felt about it because they weren't doing it to hurt me (and how I figured that out I have no idea. Too much trust maybe) ... something to with work on I guess. Being true to my gut feelings.
I still am resisting the urge to apologize for this, I just needed to get it out.
Thanks for reading :P
#16
Sexual Abuse / what if you don't *remember*?
December 07, 2016, 07:04:03 PM
I have no memory of sa in my childhood, but I do remember sexual trauma sometime between 4 and 7(I don't know if that's a thing but I don't know what else to call it) when I read about effects of sa I can check off many of them in myself. This is so hard to talk about but I don't know where else to go. I also read something I forget where but it was about abusers and it said overly protective, limiting of relationships with opposite sex, isolated and secretive, jealous of other family members (which also ALL fit. To well)
Can someone help me? Am I totally off?
#17
NSC - Negative Self-Concept / the dialogue
November 26, 2016, 02:54:14 AM
I'm having such a hard time right now feeling like an absolute failure at everything. I just feel pathetic. I can kinda see that its my IC, but most of the time it feels true...
I recently started college, but my parents won't let me move out ("we can't afford it"). i can't drive yet because they didn't let me do that either (although they tell me it was in my best interest and it wasn't that they "weren't letting me".  well whatever it was, they weren't HELPING me) i have no job (wasn't allowed to in high school). but now they are expecting me to pay for all my own tuition and if i want to move out i'm gonna have to pay for it myself. i'm "failing" all my classes because i'm having such a hard time focusing. i can't like tell my professors all the things i am dealing with can i? it's the end of semester and all the projects and finals are coming up and i honestly want to quit. drop out. maybe college isn't right for me. at least right now. but i'm terrified of getting a job, interviews, co-workers....it all sounds MISERABLE. i don't really know how to deal with everything, it's all i can do to just get through a day a lot of times. so, my inner critic is having a grand time reminding me of how terribly i'm doing at everything. pretty much right now i just am hating life. i just want to go move somewhere far far away from people and society and expectations that i can't live up to because i'm too broken and messed up.
sorry that was kind of a ridiculous rant.
#18
General Discussion / Supporting Others???
November 26, 2016, 02:14:38 AM
So, i struggle a lot with feeling like the happiness, comfort and well-being of everyone that i'm in contact with. (i doubt i'm the only one...) My question is how much AM i responsible? i tend to see everything as my fault, or as my job to fix and then feel guilty about it all.
Does anyone have any insights about where to draw the line? How much to support the people that we know, and when to let go and let them work out their own stuff?
Thanks
#19
Poetry & Creative Writing / I am from
November 22, 2016, 06:39:31 PM
This is a poem that I wrote after i found out about my SO's addiction. It's pretty cliche and melodramatic... but it was a way to express my hurt and sadness and pain.

I am from fairy tales.
From handsome princes and happily ever afters.
From love at first sight and knights in shining armor.

I grew up in that place.
I spent my life there, but not anymore.
I live hundreds of miles away from that place now.

I live in a reality where handsome princes are in short supply.
Where "happily ever after" is a cute dream for little girls who are too innocent to believe in any alternative.
Where I am now, there are no princes that look like frogs;
Only frogs disguised as princes.

It is a cold place, a sharp one.
It is a nightmare, but yet it is safe.
My ideals and expectations, my hopes and dreams
Are locked away.

The shattered fragments of those dreams have been swept into a little box, placed high on a shelf.
Sometimes I wish I could get it down and show it to girls who haven't yet realized
That they live in this place too.
Or they will, sooner or later.
My box of splinters and shards is proof.

You can still see the light in those remains.
When I am strong enough to look at them, the light reflecting off of them
Hurts my eyes.
When I am strong enough to look at them,
I want to glue them back together.

But I'm afraid.
Afraid I'll do a sloppy job,
That some of the pieces have been lost,
That it won't be as good as the original.
It can never be truly whole again.

But then I wonder if it was ever whole in the first place,
If it was so fragile
And collapsed under the pressure.

Someday, I hope to recreate those dreams.
It will take time, I know, to sort through the fragments.
To find out where each sliver goes
And carefully put them back in their places.

It will be painful.
Some of the edges are sharp and cut my fingers,
Making them bleed.
Someday, I'll do it.
I have to.
I can't abandon my world of once upon a times and happily ever afters.
That is where I am from.
When I'm ready, I'll dust off the box and set to work.

It's a daunting thought: rebuilding one's reality.
Is it easier to start over, throw the pieces away?
Once those pieces, those un-shattered dreams
Meant so much.
They can wait for me, up on that shelf.
For now they are safe.

I am gentle with them.
They are delicate.
Labeled "handle with care"
Just like me.
#20
Recovery Journals / joyful's journal
November 22, 2016, 06:31:27 PM
Ok...I think I'm ready to start this...I don't want to go into all of everything that put me in this place where I am now. At this point, I still feel kinda guilty for "blaming" others for what I'm now dealing with. I have to just accept where I am without holding anyone else responsible. at least for now. For now i'm just gonna focus on how to get out of this place rather than how i got here. i'm pretty new at this recovery thing, i'm just trying to pay attention to what i feel and what i need. other than that i don't know what to do.
anyway, I had an aha moment last night. someone that i'm really close to and trust more than just about anyone else keeps offering to buy me something, but for some reason i always wanted to just politely turn them down. i don't want them ot spend money on me, i don't want them to feel like i'm asking them...i was just very uncomfortable of the idea of them spending money on me. yesterday i figured it out though. when i was growing up, we were given all kinds of things and experiences but the money spent on us was like used against us. it was brought up later when a favor was wanted. "what about all these things i've done for you? why are you so selfish and just take without giving anything back? you don't appreciate me at all do you..." i even feel guilty for writing that..... children aren't supposed to pay their parents back for all that they do for them--right? maybe i'm wrong? i'm still learning what "normal" families do and look like. anyway, i realized that i don't want to be expected something back from me later. i know this person wouldn't do that, but i guess that's what i've learned happens: people do nice things for you, spend money/time/energy on you and then they expect some retribution, some compensation, some control over you in return.
so yeah, it seems dumb and obvious looking at it now, but i guess i was pretty excited about it and just wanted to share it.