Hello, I'm new here!
I've been raped twice since I was 16, coerced into sexual activities by abusive boyfriends that I didn't want to do, I've been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships and I've been assaulted several times. For so long I've been functioning, achieving and looking after myself. I currently have a really supportive, understanding and loving relationship but we live in different cities now due to University.
I've been on a several week spiral of self-destructive behaviours that leave me hungover, sleeping all day, hating myself and missing work/university. I've been drinking quite a bit, deliberately not taking my medication, avoiding showering/eating properly, not keeping myself or my room tidy/clean, sleeping all day until 4pm, not going to my university classes, not doing university work and not going to work.
The scariest part though is that I've started to really want other people to hurt or use me. I go clubbing and I'm looking for men to just use my body and I put myself in risky situations. I'm thinking about how much I want to be raped again, I want to recreate what happened when I was 16. I also want men to physically hurt me.
I've never self harmed. It's not something I can see myself ever doing either. I want to be hurt but I don't want to do the hurting, I want someone else to do it to me. When I'm drinking my mind is just SET on that happening and I won't even think rationally about it.
Has anyone got similar experiences? Has anyone got any suggestions for fighting the self-hatred that follows in the mornings or ways to 'get up and going' (cleaning up my room, having a shower etc)? I really want to get back to looking after myself again ):
I've been raped twice since I was 16, coerced into sexual activities by abusive boyfriends that I didn't want to do, I've been in physically and emotionally abusive relationships and I've been assaulted several times. For so long I've been functioning, achieving and looking after myself. I currently have a really supportive, understanding and loving relationship but we live in different cities now due to University.
I've been on a several week spiral of self-destructive behaviours that leave me hungover, sleeping all day, hating myself and missing work/university. I've been drinking quite a bit, deliberately not taking my medication, avoiding showering/eating properly, not keeping myself or my room tidy/clean, sleeping all day until 4pm, not going to my university classes, not doing university work and not going to work.
The scariest part though is that I've started to really want other people to hurt or use me. I go clubbing and I'm looking for men to just use my body and I put myself in risky situations. I'm thinking about how much I want to be raped again, I want to recreate what happened when I was 16. I also want men to physically hurt me.
I've never self harmed. It's not something I can see myself ever doing either. I want to be hurt but I don't want to do the hurting, I want someone else to do it to me. When I'm drinking my mind is just SET on that happening and I won't even think rationally about it.
Has anyone got similar experiences? Has anyone got any suggestions for fighting the self-hatred that follows in the mornings or ways to 'get up and going' (cleaning up my room, having a shower etc)? I really want to get back to looking after myself again ):