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So, I have brought this topic up before.  It's apparently very common with those with PTSD - a reliance on alcohol or other drugs.  I was reading Judith Hermann's book on Trauma, and she mentions the two most common ways of managing the PTSD is alcohol and opiates.  And that is a very specific list, because they are both substances that take away the pain and allow for numbing.

I have had my troubles with alcohol since age 14.  In the last decade, I've had my issues with opiates.  For the most part, both of those addictions are under control because I've learned to numb/freeze without the help of a substance. 

I've had a couple of relapses on alcohol recently.  I wonder if it's because I am hitting so many raw nerves as I go through my trauma history?  The emotion is too strong and I can't numb the way I want without help.

All the PTSD literature mentions substance abuse quite a bit, but I find that I don't find that on the forums.  Maybe you all are stronger than me?  I would have to say that opiates are the freaking cure to PTSD, but unfortunately they are very addictive and not sustainable long term.  I've also read some research about using ketamin and hallucinogenics for PTST cure.  But that's a long time in coming, based on the stigma associated with them. 

Just curious - does anyone else have this problem?  Is it really part of the CPTSD like I think, or another issue?

So, I was at my T today, and they happened to be doing disability evaluations for other people.  It is something I have thought about quite a bit for myself.

My husband died in 2008, leaving me with SS payments that basically take care of my modest living situation.  The biggest strain is medical costs.  I have over $500 month just for medical insurance for me and my dd, and that doesn't even come close to dealing with the copays, deductibles and max out of pocket charges.  I self pay therapy (no difference really, my specialist copay is 50 bucks, and since my t is out of network, that is the price I pay without insurance.  Bless her)

I have considered filing for SSD.  I can't go to the grocery store, much less work.  But it feels like giving up.  My T said that I should apply, and if I get to the point that I can work again, I just stop the SSD and go to work.  I have a 20 year history of mental illness, 3 psychiatrists, numerous counselors, a diagnosis of PTSD and Major Depression, and a recently added diagnosis of IBS.  Having medicaid would be such a relief in that I could address my health issues.  Oh, and lets include the 15 years of substance abuse. 

Even in this post, I want to justify my reasons.  It feels like a draw to the system. Like I am playing it somehow.  Does anyone have any input?  Do you judge me for even thinking of going down this path?

I have been reading much on PTSD, and CPTSD.  I recently got Judith Hermann's book, and got thru chapter 1.  I recognize myself in all the trauma symptoms.  Basically, in the long run, trauma narrows your world.  I worried that I didn't have the intrusive thoughts as a symptom.  Hermann says that after a while, they fade and the primary symptom becomes the numbing.  People that haven't gotten to the ability to put themselves into the self trance (as she calls it), use alcohol and opiates.  Check mark here.  I don't need them anymore, because I have put myself into a relatively constant state of numbness.

I can't speak to nightmares, as I have been on seroquel for probably at least a decade - well before the PTSD/CPTSD began full force.

I went to my T in tears today.  Is there hope for recovery, and what is it?  She says there is hope, people do recovery.  It may be a long time.  I can't remember the last time I had anything other than just waking up to wonder when I could go back to sleep.  I have no joy in life.  That is part of trauma - you lose the pain AND the joy.  You stop planning for the future.  You stop caring.

I want to believe that.  I want to believe there is hope.  My T offers EMDR as the "cure".  I hope that will do it.  We have to go slow, because I am in a particularly sensitive time now. 

Does anyone wonder if it will ever get better?

I guess it's depression, which is part of the CPTSD.  When I came OOTF, I realized that for the last 2+ years, I have ignored everything in my life that wasn't screaming for attention.  I don't work, so you'd think my life would be in order.  But it's a mess.  I make the basic effort to keep the house clean enough that I'm not living in squalor, and I usually manage to keep the bills paid before they are late.  Other than that, I just can't get myself motivated enough to care about anything. 

It's particularly bad now, when I am not even interested in doing anything enjoyable.  Usually I at least like to read or watch tv, but there are plenty of days that I spend in bed, or just sort of staring off into space.  I have therapy tomorrow, and I don't want to go.  I don't want to talk, analyze, or work on anything. 

I do have good days, where I work frantically to try to catch up on the things I neglect.  But they aren't often or consistent enough for me to gain any traction.  I'm constantly in catch up mode. 

I think this is also the freeze part of CPTSD. 

Does anyone relate?  Have any advice about getting thru this?  I try to just force myself, but that doesn't work much. 

Wow, this site could not have come at a more perfect time for me.  After spending the last 7 months since I came OOTF exploring my history as an unchosen, I am trying to start thriving, rather than just surviving.  I just re-started EMDR on Monday and the focus is to work on the agaraphobia and worthlessness I feel as a results of my years of being both an unchosen and then a chosen non.  I am officially diagnosed with PTSD by my T, but C-PTSD fits my symptoms better.

I'm also changing my meds, so my head is a bit out of sorts.  The name emotion overload fits me even better during this med transition time.  I am experiencing high high and low lows right now.  I'm not sleeping well.  I hope all this tinkering with my brain is a benefit in the long run, because right now it is just frustrating! 

Thanks for starting this site, I look forward to posting!