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Topics - mourningdove

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Checking Out / Still alive
« on: July 30, 2017, 07:57:11 PM »
Hi, just wanted to say that I am still alive.

Sorry that i am so bad at checking out when I'm not going to post for a while. Lately, I have been dealing with some things that feel too off-topic to post about here. But I think about you all regularly, and it remains a source of comfort that this place exists.


Sexual Abuse / worst nightmare in the world... again
« on: April 18, 2017, 11:11:12 PM »
Scared to sleep.

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / no method, but... (TW)
« on: April 04, 2017, 09:58:13 PM »
can't stop thinking about dying. I don't want to really, but I also don't see any other way out of this situation. Everywhere I turn is a Catch-22. I need X, but i can't get X because I don't have Y. I need Y, but I can't get Y because I don't have X... I end up with nothing, while everyone else goes about their day. I had something to contribute, but no one cared.

Symptoms - Other / everything looks dark
« on: March 26, 2017, 06:49:23 PM »
Does anyone else experience that everything literally looks darker when having a major EF? I am having one now and trying to figure it out. Am I not getting enough oxygen or something? It is really scary.

I feel so awful.

This morning, I was coming out of the house and a man walking down the sidewalk asked me if I knew how to get to the main road. He said he had been over at a friend's house and couldn't figure out how to get back. I started to try and tell him, but I couldn't really explain the directions, because they are confusing.

I was heading for the main road anyway and it was raining, so I asked him him if he wanted a ride there. He seemed shocked and very grateful.

I am not one for small talk, so I put the radio on. After a minute, he asked me if I was going to work. I felt ashamed because I don't have a job, so I lied and said yes. Then he asked me where I work. i said that I work on the computer, as if that makes any sense at all. I don't know if he could tell that I was lying or if he just got the hint, but after that he didn't ask me anything else, and I didn't say anything.

Next thing I knew, we were approaching the main road, and he said something to the effect of that he recognized where he was now. There were several cars in front of me stopped at a red light. As I slowed to a stop, I said, "Okay, I'm going to make a left turn, so do you want to get out here?" He says no, and says something about a bus stop on the other side of the main road. Then he said something about a donut shop, and I had no idea what he meant. At that point I was terrified and upset because he had either totally not gotten the hint or had ignored it (though there may have been a slight language barrier).

So whatever, the light changed and I made the left turn, asked him if it was a good place, and he somewhat reluctantly (!) agreed. I was so shaken that I didn't put on my blinking lights and someone blared their horn at me. The man said thank you and god bless you and such as he was getting out. The whole ride was probably under 5 minutes.

So nothing really bad actually happened, but I have been a wreck all day. I live in an urban area with a lot of cold-hearted, desperate people and where violence is not uncommon, so I have no idea why I would offer anyone a ride anywhere. It just kind of happened. He looked smaller than me and non-threatening, but when he didn't get out at the light I was very scared.

There is content from my teen years that this has stirred, and I have a feeling of terror that I will never understand how to keep myself safe. I know that there are people in this world who interpret kindness as weakness, and who see kind people as prey. I know that very very well. So why the * would I put myself in a position like I did?

I've always been book-smart and street-dumb, but I thought I had been doing better lately. I really did.


Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / daily EF
« on: March 09, 2017, 09:02:10 PM »
Covert N mother asks me what I'm doing with my hair, and she and I both know that what she really means is that *she* doesn't like it the way it is.

Then she asks me if my hair is this way because I don't have money to get it cut, and she and I both know that what she means is that she wants me to know for sure that she doesn't like the way it is - to the point that she would even give me money to change it.

I tell her that no, I can't afford to change it right now, but also don't see the point in doing that. She grunts something along the lines of, "to each their own, " which, of course, she doesn't mean at all.

Seemingly foiled at this manipulation, and not knowing that she has achieved her goal of making me feel awful about myself, she doubles back later trying to make me feel like a bad person for making a doctor's appointment, because it will entail using her car on a Monday, and really the only time she ever uses the car is to go to the grocery store on Fridays. I point out how this doesn't make any sense. She immediately and seamlessly switches to arguing that the real problem is actually the time of the appointment... blah, blah, blah.

"So why did you even bring up the car at all?" I ask.

"Because I want it to be here in case I want to use it."

So I am a horrible person.


Emotional Abuse / silent treatment
« on: March 04, 2017, 07:25:23 PM »
They did this to me throughout my childhood. I remember following them around begging them to talk to me and being ignored. They would never give in and acknowledge my existence until I was crying and begging, promising anything. When they did relent, it was cold and conditional. Still no warmth, but the chance of warmth in the future if I could only be what they wanted, even though it was never clear how to do that. I was literally taught not to have boundaries.

Looking back, the warmth itself was always fake, at least for my mom. For my dad it was real, but it would always go too far, until it inevitably swung back to hate again. But it was all that I knew, and I had no one else. It's hard to express the feeling of desperation that I would get when they gave me the silent treatment. It felt like I could die. And as I'm writing this, I realize that that makes total sense because children will in fact die if they are abandoned by their parents.

I'm thinking about it now because my mother's manipulations caused me to have an EF a little while ago, and I realized that it really kicked into high gear AFTER I stuck up for myself. It's so sad to think that there is a part of me that still feels terror at the possibility of being abandoned by her. The more grown up parts of myself know now that there is nothing there to connect with anyway.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / feeling like an *
« on: March 03, 2017, 06:44:38 PM »
I just had the worst morning. It was like my sense of of speed and space was all distorted and I couldn't judge them properly. The anxiety kept ratcheting up with every awkward interaction, and I just wanted to get away from people so badly. I kept moving faster, even though it was the worst option, given how clumsy I was feeling. I kept walking in front of people when i really should have let them go by first. I didn't hold the door for someone when I probably should have. I got startled by someone and jumped back. Then I realized that my bag was on the floor, kind of in their way, but I froze and didn't move it. Someone said hi to me and I don't even know if I answered. (I tried to.) i mispelled *my own name* on a sign-in sheet. I feel like an *. At this moment, I have absolutely no confidence in myself and this this clumsy, frightened body, especially around other people. :(

And by the way, spanking is abuse.

(This is inspired by another thread, but I didn't want to hijack it.)

***trigger warning***

I was spanked throughout my childhood and it was abuse. My mother liked to use wooden spoons because of the extra sting, and that was sadistic abuse. My parents kept a dedicated spanking paddle made of splintery wood in the kitchen. That was abuse. One time, my dad got extra angry and spanked me with his leather belt. It hurt so bad, I still remember it. he got triggered by my screaming and crying and the marks on me, and ended up begging me not to "make him" spank me again, and I ended up comforting him, because that's the way my parents rolled. How old was I? 4 or 5, maybe? He never did use the belt again, but that wasn't the end.

I preferred it when my mother spanked me, because she did not need to be consoled afterwards. She felt perfectly justified inflicting pain on small children, and would just go about her day afterwards. Surely this was just them trying to be good parents, right? That must be why they would chase me all over the house, rageful and red-faced. That must be why so much thought was given to which spanking methods would be the most painful.

When I became a teen and was too big to be easily subdued, my mother took to slapping me hard across the face. Occasionally, I would block it with my hand, and then she would wait until later when I had let my guard down and then strike out of the blue. She would strike me so hard that her hand would hurt and would then blame me for her hand hurting. She eventually stopped slapping me when I started taking it without reaction and mocking her for how weak the blows were. To this day, everyone thinks she is a nice lady. A couple weeks ago, she made a swatting motion with her hand, in a way that she thought was a joke, and I involuntarily flinched.

I tried to talk to my T about this a long time ago, but it was obvious that she had spanked her kids, and she claimed that spanking is okay for some kids, but I'm just more sensitive. I am more sensitive than most, but i don't think that makes spanking okay. If you chase down and beat a person, because you don't like what they have said or done, you will go to jail - unless it is your kid.

Spanking is abuse.

This is the second time in a month that this has happened - my so-called mother casually bringing up an abuser's name.

*trigger warning*

When I was in my early 20s, I was flooded with memories and feelings about something awful that had happened when I was small. I didn't want to tell my mother even then, but i felt like I had to so that she would understand why I didn't want that person to visit. She reacted as badly as anyone could, including accusations of lying and then asking me, "Are you sure  you didn't do something to invite it?"  :sadno:

She was supposed to be the person who would believe me and want to protect me. Instead, I got bombarded with disgusting questions like the above. then she went through a phase where she kept insisting that SHE was going to confront him about it, even though I had said over and over that I didn't want her to ever tell anyone. (She cared more about what had been done to HER child than about how I felt about it. Because I am not a person; I am a thing to her, a mere extension of herself.) She seemed to relent on that eventually, but, knowing her, she probably told many people to gain attention for herself.

I had told her over and over and over again that I never wanted to talk about it again. i told her this screaming and/or crying so many times, but she just did not give a *. For YEARS. She would bring it up, saying that SHE needed to talk about it. :(

Then a few years ago, the person died. I felt some relief from that. But now that they are dead, my mother has started casually dropping their name again when talking about the extended family as if nothing had ever happened. As if nothing had ever happened. As if I hadn't spent years begging not to hear that name again. Welp, here it is again. Again.

You fail, mom. You * fail.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / hard week
« on: January 26, 2017, 04:53:35 AM »
Sobbing. Writing and erasing. How can this be my life?

I have to really struggle to do many things that other people take for granted, and she knows that, but I guess it makes her feel good to shame me anyway. And making herself feel better is the only thing that really matters.

Just last night, I woke up in the early am because I was screaming at her in a dream and the anger woke my body up.

There was a "family" meal, and I was sitting on the other side of the room quietly eating, when someone asked "mom" how she made one of the dishes. So she started by saying that she starts with butter, then she abruptly stopped talking and whispered something. See, she knows that I don't want to eat animal products.

So, after the shock wore off, I asked her if she had just said that there was butter in that particular dish. All she had to say for herself was, "Wow, your hearing really IS good." Then she started talking to someone else about some other topic.

So I finished eating some of the other food and then scraped the one with butter into the trash can.

i didn't want to make a scene about it at the time, but I just told her that I didn't understand why she felt the need to trick me into eating something that she knew I wouldn't want. i also told her that it was a really creepy thing to do.

She said that she didn't think that I'd want it if I had known. Well, yeah - that's the whole * point, you stupid * *. I wouldn't have touched it if I had known. Then she tried to minimize the wrongness of her actions by pointing out how I had recently eaten xmas cookies with milk and egg in them. I had indeed done that, and it was a big mistake for me. My face broke out badly. I had told her afterwards that that i was going back to my old diet.

So I told her that, yeah, I had done that, and it had been a mistake, but she does not get to decide what i do and do not eat. I told her that she has no boundaries and that she shouldn't lie.

She is such a scary person - the type who gets off whispering to people that I don't know what I am eating. It reminds me of how she gets off giving her grandchildren food that their parents have told her the children should not have. No boundaries. Weird control issues. Triangulation at all times.

i am allowed to change my mind about what i want in my diet. I am allowed to decide what I do and do not want. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. :(

Christmas & New Years / New Years Eve: Awesome - another holiday alone
« on: January 01, 2017, 03:32:15 AM »
 Just needed to express that...

Christmas & New Years / It's over! It's over! Christmas is over!
« on: December 26, 2016, 05:39:51 AM »
We did it: We made it through another one.


 :fireworks: :righton: :righton: :band: :righton: :righton:  :fireworks:

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