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Topics - mourningdove

#1
Checking Out / Still alive
July 30, 2017, 07:57:11 PM
Hi, just wanted to say that I am still alive.

Sorry that i am so bad at checking out when I'm not going to post for a while. Lately, I have been dealing with some things that feel too off-topic to post about here. But I think about you all regularly, and it remains a source of comfort that this place exists.

<3
#2
Sexual Abuse / worst nightmare in the world... again
April 18, 2017, 11:11:12 PM
Scared to sleep.
#3
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / no method, but... (TW)
April 04, 2017, 09:58:13 PM
can't stop thinking about dying. I don't want to really, but I also don't see any other way out of this situation. Everywhere I turn is a Catch-22. I need X, but i can't get X because I don't have Y. I need Y, but I can't get Y because I don't have X... I end up with nothing, while everyone else goes about their day. I had something to contribute, but no one cared.
#4
Symptoms - Other / everything looks dark
March 26, 2017, 06:49:23 PM
Does anyone else experience that everything literally looks darker when having a major EF? I am having one now and trying to figure it out. Am I not getting enough oxygen or something? It is really scary.
#5
Emotional Abuse / silent treatment
March 04, 2017, 07:25:23 PM
They did this to me throughout my childhood. I remember following them around begging them to talk to me and being ignored. They would never give in and acknowledge my existence until I was crying and begging, promising anything. When they did relent, it was cold and conditional. Still no warmth, but the chance of warmth in the future if I could only be what they wanted, even though it was never clear how to do that. I was literally taught not to have boundaries.

Looking back, the warmth itself was always fake, at least for my mom. For my dad it was real, but it would always go too far, until it inevitably swung back to hate again. But it was all that I knew, and I had no one else. It's hard to express the feeling of desperation that I would get when they gave me the silent treatment. It felt like I could die. And as I'm writing this, I realize that that makes total sense because children will in fact die if they are abandoned by their parents.

I'm thinking about it now because my mother's manipulations caused me to have an EF a little while ago, and I realized that it really kicked into high gear AFTER I stuck up for myself. It's so sad to think that there is a part of me that still feels terror at the possibility of being abandoned by her. The more grown up parts of myself know now that there is nothing there to connect with anyway.

#6
And by the way, spanking is abuse.

(This is inspired by another thread, but I didn't want to hijack it.)

***trigger warning***

I was spanked throughout my childhood and it was abuse. My mother liked to use wooden spoons because of the extra sting, and that was sadistic abuse. My parents kept a dedicated spanking paddle made of splintery wood in the kitchen. That was abuse. One time, my dad got extra angry and spanked me with his leather belt. It hurt so bad, I still remember it. he got triggered by my screaming and crying and the marks on me, and ended up begging me not to "make him" spank me again, and I ended up comforting him, because that's the way my parents rolled. How old was I? 4 or 5, maybe? He never did use the belt again, but that wasn't the end.

I preferred it when my mother spanked me, because she did not need to be consoled afterwards. She felt perfectly justified inflicting pain on small children, and would just go about her day afterwards. Surely this was just them trying to be good parents, right? That must be why they would chase me all over the house, rageful and red-faced. That must be why so much thought was given to which spanking methods would be the most painful.

When I became a teen and was too big to be easily subdued, my mother took to slapping me hard across the face. Occasionally, I would block it with my hand, and then she would wait until later when I had let my guard down and then strike out of the blue. She would strike me so hard that her hand would hurt and would then blame me for her hand hurting. She eventually stopped slapping me when I started taking it without reaction and mocking her for how weak the blows were. To this day, everyone thinks she is a nice lady. A couple weeks ago, she made a swatting motion with her hand, in a way that she thought was a joke, and I involuntarily flinched.

I tried to talk to my T about this a long time ago, but it was obvious that she had spanked her kids, and she claimed that spanking is okay for some kids, but I'm just more sensitive. I am more sensitive than most, but i don't think that makes spanking okay. If you chase down and beat a person, because you don't like what they have said or done, you will go to jail - unless it is your kid.

Spanking is abuse.



#7
This is the second time in a month that this has happened - my so-called mother casually bringing up an abuser's name.

*trigger warning*

When I was in my early 20s, I was flooded with memories and feelings about something awful that had happened when I was small. I didn't want to tell my mother even then, but i felt like I had to so that she would understand why I didn't want that person to visit. She reacted as badly as anyone could, including accusations of lying and then asking me, "Are you sure  you didn't do something to invite it?"  :sadno:

She was supposed to be the person who would believe me and want to protect me. Instead, I got bombarded with disgusting questions like the above. then she went through a phase where she kept insisting that SHE was going to confront him about it, even though I had said over and over that I didn't want her to ever tell anyone. (She cared more about what had been done to HER child than about how I felt about it. Because I am not a person; I am a thing to her, a mere extension of herself.) She seemed to relent on that eventually, but, knowing her, she probably told many people to gain attention for herself.

I had told her over and over and over again that I never wanted to talk about it again. i told her this screaming and/or crying so many times, but she just did not give a *. For YEARS. She would bring it up, saying that SHE needed to talk about it. :(

Then a few years ago, the person died. I felt some relief from that. But now that they are dead, my mother has started casually dropping their name again when talking about the extended family as if nothing had ever happened. As if nothing had ever happened. As if I hadn't spent years begging not to hear that name again. Welp, here it is again. Again.

You fail, mom. You * fail.
#8
I have to really struggle to do many things that other people take for granted, and she knows that, but I guess it makes her feel good to shame me anyway. And making herself feel better is the only thing that really matters.

Just last night, I woke up in the early am because I was screaming at her in a dream and the anger woke my body up.






#9
There was a "family" meal, and I was sitting on the other side of the room quietly eating, when someone asked "mom" how she made one of the dishes. So she started by saying that she starts with butter, then she abruptly stopped talking and whispered something. See, she knows that I don't want to eat animal products.

So, after the shock wore off, I asked her if she had just said that there was butter in that particular dish. All she had to say for herself was, "Wow, your hearing really IS good." Then she started talking to someone else about some other topic.

So I finished eating some of the other food and then scraped the one with butter into the trash can.

i didn't want to make a scene about it at the time, but I just told her that I didn't understand why she felt the need to trick me into eating something that she knew I wouldn't want. i also told her that it was a really creepy thing to do.

She said that she didn't think that I'd want it if I had known. Well, yeah - that's the whole * point, you stupid * *. I wouldn't have touched it if I had known. Then she tried to minimize the wrongness of her actions by pointing out how I had recently eaten xmas cookies with milk and egg in them. I had indeed done that, and it was a big mistake for me. My face broke out badly. I had told her afterwards that that i was going back to my old diet.

So I told her that, yeah, I had done that, and it had been a mistake, but she does not get to decide what i do and do not eat. I told her that she has no boundaries and that she shouldn't lie.

She is such a scary person - the type who gets off whispering to people that I don't know what I am eating. It reminds me of how she gets off giving her grandchildren food that their parents have told her the children should not have. No boundaries. Weird control issues. Triangulation at all times.

i am allowed to change my mind about what i want in my diet. I am allowed to decide what I do and do not want. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. :(
#10
Sexual Abuse / the worst nightmare in the world
December 16, 2016, 08:08:43 PM
i had it again last night.
#11
I don't talk about this much, because I am ashamed of it and because thinking about how trapped I am is overwhelming, but (because of poverty and disability) I've been stuck for a long time in a situation in which i am around my covert N "mother" every day.

Just got massively triggered, because she hurt me and then blamed me for "choosing" to feel hurt! I don't even mean emotionally. I have neurological problems that make me hypersensitive to sound, and some sounds - like the collision of dense objects - just physically hurt me.

Well, she was making sounds like this in the other room, so I went and asked what she was doing (thinking that maybe I could help her do whatever it was in a quieter way). So she mocked me, reapeating in a nagging voice, "What are you doing?" I told her that she was hurting my head and then she said something that essentially BLAMED ME FOR "CHOOSING" TO BE IN PAIN.

It's like being hit in the head with a $%^& hammer, and she doesn't care that she is doing that to me. And how dare I ask that she stop it. And how dare I be hurt in in the first place.

But it's about more than just the pain, it's also about my entire childhood and early life. And now I'm trapped again around this monster.
#12
http://did-research.org/origin/structural_dissociation/problems.html

I just found this article, and I think it raises some interesting questions.
#13
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / Ugh - Thanksgiving
November 25, 2016, 01:29:02 AM
That's all.
#14
Just wondering. Not sure of what all that would entail.
#15
RE - Re-experiencing Trauma / trapped in my "hometown"
October 22, 2016, 04:34:35 PM
It's killing me and nobody understands. I came back here because my only other choice was to be completely homeless while I was having severe neurological problems. But now I'm trapped, because most of my "friends" have abandoned me, and I can't afford to move.

My T doesn't even understand how just being here is hurting me every day. I keep getting encouraged to go out more and find ways to meet people. I DON'T WANT TO #$%^&* MEET PEOPLE; I WANT TO LEAVE. I do not feel safe around here. I do not want to make connections here. I do not want anything to do with this horrible, horrible place. No. Just no. Every street causes intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. Nobody understands how horrible this is. Nobody. :(
#16
I've been feeling this for days now and it is unbearable. It was triggered by something relatively small - a good friend acting slightly different and then not getting back to me as soon as I would have expected/liked. (Don't worry; it's nobody here.) Shouldn't I feel better that they did eventually respond to a hello from me and said that they have been busy lately? Because it actually made me feel worse! I suppose it is because they didn't say much else, and thus I have no reassurance about the connection between us. And my thinking brain knows that all this could prove to be no big deal, and that there is no proof that anything is even amiss, but...

I've been on the phone with my T every day, which is unheard of for me. It makes me feel weak and needy, and yet this other feeling I have is so unbearable that I don't know what else to do. It just keeps going and going. Every waking moment is agony. If psychiatric drugs had not already destroyed my life, I'd gladly take them. If drinking weren't a huge no-no for me, I'd drink. I really don't know how to explain how awful this feeling is. It's hard to even describe because it is so huge. My T will be away on the weekend, and that makes me scared.

It's all really irrational and I know that, but the knowledge doesn't take away any of the pain. The sense of loss I feel is staggering, even though it's not even certain that I've lost anyone. But just the possibility is so unbelievably painful, because I really felt such a great connection with this particular person. I can't imagine having the same kind of connection again with anyone else. All I can imagine is being completely alone forever, and I can't stop thinking about it. And I can't stop feeling it in my whole body, and seeing it everywhere I look. :(








#17
Anyone experience this or know about it? How to understand this and/or cope?  ???
#18
Just in case anyone needs one. I need one.
#19
Other / Body Dysmorphia?
May 19, 2016, 12:35:29 AM
Does anyone else have this? If so, what works for you in terms of coping???

Sometimes it gets so bad that I actually feel guilty for going to the grocery store, because the employees have no choice but to look at me when I go through the check-out line. Sometimes it makes me feel like I should not exist. :(

Description of body dysmorphia I found online:

QuoteWhat are the Signs and Symptoms of Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

Body dysmorphic disorder (body dysmorphia) describes a condition where a person can't stop thinking about one or more perceived flaws with her appearance. The flaw can either be minor or one that is imagined. Seen from an outside perspective, the obsession with these flaws will seem unnecessary or baseless, but to the person, her appearance seems so shameful and distressing that in some cases she won't want to be seen by anyone.

Body dysmorphia has sometimes been called imagined ugliness. Body dysmorphic disorder is also occasionally referred to as dysmorphophobia, or the fear of having a deformity.

Signs and symptoms of body dysmorphic disorder include:

    preoccupation with physical appearance, similar to anorexia nervosa and bulimia
    belief that one has an abnormality or defect in appearance that makes her ugly
    frequently looking in the mirror
    avoiding mirrors altogether
    believing that others take special notice of ones appearance in a negative way
    frequent cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction
    excessive grooming, such as hair plucking
    feeling extremely self-conscious
    refusing to appear in pictures
    skin picking
    comparing appearance with that of others
    avoiding social situations
    wearing excessive makeup or clothing to camouflage perceived flaws

Signs of body dysmorphic disorder may include obsessive concern over various physical features such as:

    nose
    hair
    skin
    moles or freckles
    acne and blemishes
    baldness
    breast size
    muscle size
    genitalia

What are the Effects of Body Dysmorphic Disorder?

It is not uncommon for a person with body dysmorphia to intensely obsess over her appearance and body image, often for many hours a day. She may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures to try to fix her perceived flaws but will never be satisfied.

A person may change which body feature is the center of focus over time. She may be so convinced about her perceived flaws that she begins imagining something about her body that's not true, no matter how much someone tries to convince her otherwise. Similar to anorexia nervosa and other eating disorders, the intense subjective and implacable nature of this condition can cause it to be very trying for those close to the person. The intensity of shame and embarrassment about her appearance that body dysmorphic disorder causes cannot be overstated.
#20
Checking Out / Hard times
March 19, 2016, 06:39:25 PM
Hi everyone. I've been under enormous stress lately because of stuff going on in my day-to-day life, so I haven't been able to get centered enough to participate in the Coping With Trauma-related Dissociation Book Club threads. Very sorry to have disappeared. :(