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Had to be social with people three times in three settings yesterday. That's 1-2 more than I like. The whole lot--family, friends, coworkers, strangers--scattered throughout the day. I was emotionally tired but doing well physically and having fun. Then, at the end of the evening, someone brought up a faux pas I committed some time ago. I was being silly and did something to make people laugh, but I doubted it some time after and indeed it was poorly received. She may have brought it up so I would not repeat the faux pas. I think I took it well, chin up, just saying "oh" or something like that, while looking serious. Now I feel like I, in being a free spirit and a clown embarrassed myself, upset people, let people down, am viewed as immature, stupid, rash, insensitive. I did not intentionally hurt anyone when I did this and as far as I understand, no one was hurt by it. But the feelings remain.

I had been having EFs about a similar thing for weeks. My mother brings that one up from time to time, most recently months ago, and when she sees it makes me unhappy, she tries to smooth it over. She has done this about three or four different times. I have started to put my foot down about her doing it.

I would take the things like this back, yes, but as no one was directly harmed by my being an idiot, and I don't make a habit of it, I would like to archive that memory and move on. It may take some work to hold my head as high with these people. It is tempting to withdraw, but as I cannot fully withdraw I will make an effort not to do so at all. I am open to suggestions.

After all this, I went out with a formerly closer friend. We chatted about different things, including how communication broke down about a year ago when we took a trip with some other people. I think it was good for our relationship. It saved the night and is why I am functioning better than I might be today... Though I am not yet out of bed and have no motivation to do anything, despite a long list.
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When I think of how famous people get shamed. I wonder how they take it with such outward grace. Whether Prince Harry in an offensive costume or, well, just about anybody doing just about anything else, it seems like people are surrounded by shamers these days.

I feel like I can spend hours working hard to make something nice for others, devote entire days to service of some kind, but I let me guard down to be a more genuine version of me and I get rejected because I made a bad call on it.

Thanks for reading.

About a year ago, I got to the best place I could hope for creating all alone.  I was surrounded by new and nice people and I suddenly felt so sad. Went to a therapist, went on meds, didn't like meds, therapist's communication skills were lacking, got new therapist, got new meds, felt somewhat better and then I could think a little a couple of weeks into good meds.

Why did everything, including me, seem lighter? Why did I feel free? Why did things quite literally look brighter? Why did life feel more like Moscato than Merlot?

I was driving when I realized I was safe and felt it, so it was real. My jaw must have dropped and stayed that way for some time. I texted a friend about it, and she didn't get it, and later, when I told her I had feelings (meaning more than 2), she was confused. Her not getting new (really genuine) me will be a recurring storyline if I continue this journal. Eventually I discovered cptsd and was so awed to find the name of this virus that's been infecting my head for most of my life.

The successes of the last year are probably not more numerous than the failures, but they are worth so much more. The fact that I've had them after so many emotionally and socially stagnant years helps me to go on. I vascillate between wanting to do everything right now to being bitter I don't have it yet when it seems everyone else does.

Recently, at age 31, I decided I want a tattoo after years of being raised with "tattoos are trashy" and not even wanting one. I want to take risks and make mistakes and say * you to the world again like I acted out in high school. Tired of playing safe.

My tattooed friend told me about the trend of the semicolon for suicide awareness tattoos. The idea is we do not place the period and stop, we place the semicolon and go on with life at these turns. I've been suicidal twice, very briefly and years ago, and that design didn't really speak to me.

Yet I like the idea of a punctuation representing my journey, though for cptsd and not suicide. And I realize that in this, I have a greater affinity for the colon.

Here is what I mean... And this is just rough drafting, not my finished thesis statement...
Not: "She was attacked, neglected, judged, and shunned; no one stopped her from creating a full life."
But: "Though she was attacked, neglected, judged, and shunned, she kept going: no one stopped her from creating a full life." Because there is hope in the first clause in order for the sentence to continue.

I'll probably get a cat tattoo rather than a colon, but that's the idea. Lol. It's just that I'm after the colon and I want to write something great. Mood is good today.

That's all for now. Thanks!

Hello. I am a 31 yr old female. After so many years of wondering what is wrong with me, I stumbled upon "cptsd" on Wikipedia one month ago today. I'd had moments where something matched my symptoms slightly (PTSD) and more than that (Avoidant or Detached). I never tried to identify the characteristic I had of wanting to hide or skip away from everyone. I... hid from It. Lol. It took days for me to accept that that is shame.

That Wikipedia page was like a present at first because most of my undesirable social and emotional... eccentricities? were covered. For weeks it felt like a blessing to know this, but now it's more of a curse. Of course I expected misery in recovering, but I didn't realize it would be so intense so soon. I'm variously experiencing sadness, anger, and regret (which may be coming from shame?).

I hope that's enough background. Anyway, I went to a therapist who does EMDR and explained a few things, though I did not mention cptsd because I wanted to see what she thought without suggestion). I mentioned some things that have happened and that I have for most of my life felt like everyone is in a circle (couldn't communicate it then, but I guess I meant of social acceptance or approval) and I am on the outside because I'm different. She mentioned trauma and suggested EMDR.

The majority of the trauma comes from what is commonly referred to as peer bullying, but as bullying didn't become such a social issue until after my torture time was over, I didn't know it as that. I would have said that people were mean to me -- a number of people took pleasure in harassing me nearly every day for several years. Even now I prefer to see it as verbal or perhaps emotional abuse because no one took my lunch money and that's what a bully is in my mind.

And, the problem:

I have had one EMDR session and it was okay. I'm supposed to come with things I want to work on, but I'm afraid I will run out of specific memories in a short time because I recall few specific incidents. I have impressions of the commonly occurring incidents, but it's mostly the ones that were different or more severe that stick out in my mind. I don't remember most of the things that were said to me or what I was called. But I know they happened. Up until now I've been glad I don't remember details. But now I seem to need them for EMDR, right?

Has anyone else experienced such a blank? Perhaps it's relatively common?

Did it hold you back in recovery, whether you tried EMDR or not?

I have a box of angsty and likely heartbreaking teenage journals. I am tempted to open them for the info they contain, but there is some bad stuff and I wonder if I should just keep them closed. Thoughts?

Let me know if I can elaborate or clarify anything. I am a nonlinear thinker and made this stream of consciousness as short as I could.

Thank you for reading.