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I really want to be supportive to everyone but I keep starting to reply to other posts and deleting because I'm struggling to find the right words.  I'm working to get there. Until then I hope it's ok if I post a poem that came in my head when I woke up this morning.

**could be triggering**

INNER CHILD

There is a part of me, hiding deep inside with fear.
She's afraid to show her face because she loves unconditionally.
Her hands hold my heart and guards it carefully.
Because she knows the pain she felt, when no one wanted her.

A world of violence and hurt, is what she was born into.
She never knew what would happen next, or if she'd have to run.
Always on high alert, never having any fun.
Not what God intended, but a lesson of free will.

Going to school dissociated, feeling all alone.
Not fitting in with anyone, not belonging any where.
The normal day to day, not knowing someone should care.
But in second grade, she found her mom a job.

She would sit on his lap occasionally, with no choice in the matter.
Someone was paying her attention, but feeling very scared.
He smelled like booze and cigarettes, him crying when she was there.
She was daddy's favorite, so everyone seemed to say.

Music was her only connection, to sanity in the world.
Thank God the songs were loving, about peace and getting along.
She learned the words, singing along, which was her quiet place.
Often wondering why that world wasn't hers.

I didn't even know she was there until recently.
She felt safe one day and came out to tell her story.
No one had ever asked her and she was grateful that he had.
As if a load had been lifted, and someone cared on top of that.

I don't remember feeling as happy and carefree before that day.
But it was very short-lived and wasn't meant to be.
At least I know that she is there and I need to care for her.
Because there is no one else that ever could, that someone will be me.

Just as a brainstorming idea, in case anyone other then me would find it helpful?  Brainstorm, because if helpful, I'm not sure how best or where to add on board.

What has and continues to help me most is identifying negative coping skills, whether my own or in others, that now that I understand I can hopefully identify and adjust in my own behavior in relating to others Vs reacting.  I know at ootf there are lots about coping skills with a PD.  But with cptsd, I have neg coping skills from childhood on top of no self esteem and poor boundaries, etc all of which I am just understanding as well and how it works against me. I recently posted about something that helped me in case it may help others but wasn't quite sure where to post. If anyone else thinks it would be helpful to have coping skills somewhere with successes or in general?  It won't hurt my feelings if it seems too redundant or no one is interested.

This may be a 'well duh' post since I'm frequently feeling these days, why didn't I see that before.  I have always felt that no one in my family cares about me, how I'm feeling and what's important to me. I'm there for them but when I need someone there for me I am alone.  No matter how much I do for them.  I'm at the point where I have given up and don't jump to help them like I did. I have to distance myself a bit, because I naturally want to help them, to the point that it is taken for granted and unappreciated.

What I realize recently, is when I talk about my feelings on a subject important to me they listen with a defensive stance and make it about them.  Even when it has nothing to do with them.  Since learning about my cptsd, my adult daughter even said "if you ever want to talk...about anything...I am here for you".  But when I brought up a subject bothering me greatly she made it all about her and did not care to listen to how or why I was bothered.   She was rude and hurtful.  I realized because she is my child she will always be listening to me as if it is about her.  But I also noticed my husband did the same, listening to me and making it about him in a very defensive way.  Thus the feeling, no one cares about my feelings or cares about me.  I'm now recognizing it and thinking it's a maturity problem (theirs) which also comes across as lack of empathy, at least where I am concerned. It didn't help that I had little self esteem and questioned myself.  Trying to share my feelings usually turned into argument, so it must be something I am doing.   Now I recognize the defensiveness when it happens and point out that what I'm saying is about me and not them.  It has helped me.

I came across this web site that is a course created by a counselor that sounds promising.  He has 30+ years exp and it is based on a pattern he has seen in his clients who have psychological injuries from their childhood.  He gives a conservative estimate of over 80% of the population has them and is unaware.  Has anyone tried this?  I'm going to give it a whirl.  This is a link to the intro and the short video explains it.  No ads and no cost.

http://sfhelp.org/site/intro.htm

Here is an excerpt:

      Based on 36 years' clinical experience and study, this nonprofit site offers you a free 7-Lesson self-improvement course on how to understand and break this lethal inheritance and reduce major personal, marital, and family problems. Average adults are unaware of this cycle and its toxic effects. Are you aware of them?

  What Does "Break the Cycle" Mean?
The "cycle" is this: psychologically-wounded, unaware parents raise wounded, unaware kids. They grow up, choose wounded, unaware partners, and raise wounded, unaware kids - who repeat and spread the cycle and its effects in their society. For more detail, read this after you finish here.

As a small child my alcoholic father would demand that someone wash his feet.  There was usually a target, my sibling,  who would be demanded to get a pan of water and wash his feet.  At the time I had no understanding and stayed in a state of fear around him.  You never knew what was coming next.  The foot washing was nothing compared to his violence and abuse.

After escaping my childhood home I did not think much about my past and did not speak of it.  For decades.  Having had no relationship with my paternal side,  I searched my family tree.  He was the first son of a very large family including two minister siblings and my grandfather and great grandfather both ministers.  Primitive baptists, which is connected to this ritual.   I thought, wow, they never reached out to us.  All seemingly successful, I'm sure they had no idea they were related to evil.  My foo has been keeping in touch with them lately and THEY asked my FOO what was wrong with him.  My enabling M says "I told them he could not be trusted..with anything".  Yep....no validation...ever.  I guess any more then that would make her look bad.  I would have had lots to say.  Anyway, I just know something happened to him in his family and I will never know what. 

***could be triggering***
(A pic of violence)

I came across this video and really liked it.  It is more about explaining violence being preventable.  About our environment as a child and why people become violent.  Including a little history.   We know everyone abused is effected differently and most are not violent but the cause and prevention applies IMO.   The audio has one little glitch in it. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EHlvAm4huQs

Hello, I have been reading here for a while and thought I would join.  I appreciate all the good info available here.  I have learned lots in the past year and from reading Pete walker's book.  My life is making sense to me finally, but still with lots to learn.  I grew up in a very disfunctional home with an  abusive alcoholic f. I'm recently starting to recognize that my h has covert N tendencies. I say covert because I don't think he is aware.  I can finally recognize it at the time vs being pulled into his defensive circular arguments where I was left to feel unwanted, unloved, and that "i" was doing something wrong and never good enough.  I am now able to better address it.    The holidays this year have been harder then usual, so thought I would join in. Thanks.