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Is learning hard for everyone with CPTSD, or just me?

I swear college has been such a struggle. Although I like it most of the time, it's hard to get the grades I like unless I go part-time. But then even if I go part-time, I'm fatigued all the time and can barely remember anything I study anyways.

It's like I have no working memory. I've had issues with this since childhood  but I'm sick of overcoming things and putting a positive spin on it. It sucks. I'm tired of feeling like an idiot while other people study for five minutes and remember.

I want a STEM degree but I feel like I don't have the brain for it. But I don't want to switch to a different degree. I want something with the option of research.

Plus, it's like a personal thing. I want to be good at math. I know I'm never going to be Einstein, but I'm tired of being bad at it. And I want to be able to do cool things with it. I feel like I missed out on so much science-y stuff because I didn't understand it.

The worse part is, I know I'm not stupid but I feel like I'm never going to be able to prove it to anyone but myself. But I just can't memorize things as fast as everyone else. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

Hi, people 

I've been having a reoccurring issue the last few years, and wonder if anyone on here has dealt with the same or similar issue. I seem to sabotage things that are going well in my life but it's sort of a barely conscious level. Most of the sabotaging happens at a critical point when one bad move could ruin the process, rather than early.

Like for example, I generally do well in classes. But I have noticed a sudden down spiral after my competence is noticed, or I'm nearing the completion of a goal.

I've sure this comes from my childhood abuse. My mother would get jealous of me if I was "smarter" than her, or more attractive. My brother dropped out of HS and once beat me (it was more like a bait then restrain type of weird assault) for working on an essay. My dad also ignores any independence or success, but is financially supportive when I fail in some way (he's like this with all my siblings).

He even refused to pay for my straight-A sister's college (by that point she couldn't get any scholarship) saying he had no money, but then two weeks later he paid the deposit and rent  of a rental house for my brother (only recently stopped paying their bills) for the next few years.

So I know in my family there is only room for one success (Dad and/or my brother), and that failure will be rewarded with love and resources. But don't fail too much either! Or you'll be ignored the same way being too successful is ignored. Then there is the problem of outgrowing my screw-up persona, which is probably related.

I stopped doing drugs, removed dysfunctional relationships out of my life, went back to school, and now I still feel out of control and unsatisfied with my life.

Does anybody have any suggestions how to manage impulsive self-sabotage? Or things that worked for them?

Hi, People 

I'm on this forum to help me work through some emotional struggles I have from growing up in an abusive and dysfunctional family.

My mother has Bipolar/Schizophrenia. She was unmedicated until my late teens so I never really had the "mother experience." She would alternate between deep depressions and aggressive mania, but she was nearly constantly psychotic. She was also paranoid and violent. Personality-wise she is a waif/witch. She was very confusing and controlling. She was miserable until she was committed and forced to take meds. Now she is mellow and we get along okay, but she has trouble relating to me. I've researched Schizophrenia so I know this is part of the disorder that is not voluntary on her part but I still feel like our relationship is hollow.

My father is not diagnosed with anything but was her illness's biggest enabler. Despite her blatant hallucinations and delusions, he even allowed her to homeschool me and my siblings.   As I've gotten older, I see he has a lot of antisocial and histrionic traits that were hard to notice next to her issues. In fact, I think he may have craved the attention that her clearly disordered behavior attracted. He also has some BPD traits but doesn't seem to have the deep emotional turmoil that is associated with that disorder. My relationship with him is incredibly disappointing because his rejection feels personal. I don't see or talk to him because I feel a lot of rage towards him for not managing my mother's mental illness and his failure to protect me. I realize now, I also missed out on the "father experience."

The relationships with two of my three siblings are extremely painful for me. I used to be close to both my older brother and my younger sister but they both relate to me in very personality disordered ways and have strong BPD and ASPD traits. I miss the people they used to be but the verbal and physical abuse is too hard to take. Plus, they bring out the worst in me. It's become apparent that their old sides are probably not going to override their disorders, at least not soon. I have some hope for my younger sister but we've had a dysfunctionally codependent relationship so I think it's better if we don't continue it as that dynamic slips in inevitably.

I have an older sister that moved away from the family when she went to college so she seems to be the most stable of us. She has some fleas but our relationship is good.    She's been the most functional and successful sibling.

My family has multiple dysfunctional dynamics. There is extreme favoritism. My brother has been my parents' most enduring obsession. He even assaulted me when I was in my teens but it had no effect on his golden child status.

Ironically, my parents will ignore, encourage or reward self-destructive behavior but will ignore or sabotage behavior that promotes independence or success. Most of us have had drug problems, career issues, legal problems, rage issues, and/or abusive partners. It's so depressing.

So that leaves me. I'm probably BPD if I'm honest with myself, although I do seem to fear being controlled more than I fear being abandoned. I do share some symptoms that apply to ADHD, Bipolar, PTSD, and CPTSD. Most of the time I'm depressed with some CPTSD symptoms but BPD/ASPD traits will come out if stressed or bored (depending on the trait).

The BPD label covers 90% of my symptoms but I'm pretty self-aware so I've been trying to manage it on and off since my teens. I have a fear/hatred of authority figures so I've only been to one therapy session. I felt overwhelmed by it and reflexively avoided going back but now that I'm older I've been interested in working with a therapist on my issues. I noticed some improvement over the years but lately it seems like I've fallen two steps back 

Thanks for reading.