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Topics - Anamiame

#1
My therapist asked me a question today that has me scratching my head. 

"Where do you go when you dissociate?"  I told her no where and she said that is not possible.  I'm still intrigued by the question and yet completely baffled as to what my answer is. 

So, I thought it would be interesting to post it here and see if anyone knows where they go when they dissociate?

Just for clarity, there are different levels and I am sure everyone experiences dissociation differently.  But I'm talking higher up on the dissociation scale when it is more severe and takes time to get back to normal. 
#2
Does anyone here know about OSDD?  Is it the same as Secondary Dissociative Disorder? 
#3
I've done  a ton of reading over the past several weeks and somewhere I read that Freeze type is 'untreatable.' 

I'm not one to talk about the specifics of the traumatic and ongoing abuse I suffered as a child as I have spent 30 years processing, etc.  Over the years, I have always felt/said, "I can help others, but no one can help me."  Every time I dabbed my foot into the water, I wouldn't just be splashed but drenched in a resounding "NO..." including all the guilt, shame and humiliation that goes with reaching for something you shouldn't.  Here, I'm talking about therapy. 

I am hyper-vigilant, as is the case with most of us.  I pick up on things no one else would (making me an excellent therapist/social worker.  I had to...to survive.  Any time the slightest thing happens, I over analyze it for fear of being shamed again.  On Monday, I told my T about my prior T's for the first time (remember, 12 years of 'counseling' with her).   A few weeks ago, I gave her a copy of the paragraph that contained the statement that Freeze types are untreatable.  She rolled her eyes and said, "I really wish you wouldn't be reading this stuff."  Her overall response was accurate.  On Monday, I forget what we were talking about, but sheasked me what brought me back into counseling this time.  I was a little shocked that she didn't remember....my mother's death.  She remembered it immediately and again, her response was right on target. 

We had a good session.  I was in a good mood. 

Then something happened.  Probably an EF...but whatever it was went directly to what I have thought/felt since I was a little girl...that I can't be helped.  That I am broken beyond repair.  Looking at it from ALL angles (Intellectually, professionally, emotionally, spiritually, and realistically), this does NOT end well for me.  There is not one scenario that I can play out in my head that has this ending well. 

Of course, the IC comes in and berates me with 'you are such a stupid idiot!  What the * were you thinking???  You were at a great place, why are you doing this now?  How utterly stupid are you!" 

I can't find where I read that statement.  I don't remember where I read it.  I've tried to google search it but nothing is turning up. 

So...my questions:

1.  Has anyone successfully healed from Freeze type?
2.  Does anyone know where that quote came from?
3.  Thoughts/feelings on the subject? 
#4
Recovery Journals / Ana's Journey
February 12, 2015, 06:28:49 AM
I JUST FOUND THIS!!!  I was wondering if there was something like this on this site!  YAY! 

I've been having such a hard time with this the past couple of weeks.  It was also so freaky for me--which is weird because I've known about most of this stuff for the past 30 years.  Denial is a powerful thing.  This site really has helped me in several ways, but I have to be careful NOT to do too much too fast.  Today I had a HUGE epiphany! 

Last Sunday night I was trying to do inner child work to regain some memories as to why I cannot sleep on my back.  That night, I had no problem staying on my back and the question was why?  It occurred to me that it was terrifying for the inner child, but not for an adult part of me.  There was more to it than just that==but that's all I feel comfortable in sharing. 

Then, I went back to try and work on the inner child and basically those 'inner child' feelings were no where to be found.  It's like there's a complete block between those two parts of 'me.'  PLEASE understand if you are reading this, I'm not talking DID, I'm just talking me.  I compartmentalize E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G...so I look at it as fragments (Secondary Dissociative Disorder).  However, those to aspects of me can never ever be around each other--like the IC does not know that the sexual me exists.  It's not safe. 

I mean, this REALLY freaked me out.  I started to do research on it and the more I read, the harder it got.  Then, I went to my journal and simply wrote, "F... this!" and stopped journaling.  Of course, I was reacting like an angry teenager.  That was interesting too.  From there, I got three days of just being 'me.'  Normal me.  Still, over time, I found this site and started reading even more.  I found the Freeze type and every word of it was me.  Reading that it's the hardest to work with kinda crushed me--but I knew it was true.  I've known that since...well, forever.  But I felt crazy. 

Until today.  I had posted about using dissociation on purpose.  I was trying to explain it to someone and used a house as an analogy.  The house is me--it's singular.  But inside there's many rooms.  Each room has a purpose to keep the occupants alive AND happy.  So really, you need all those rooms to survive.  THAT's me!  I can easily and purposely go to any room (that I know of) and utilize whatever I need in that room.  And, I can leave a room if needed and come back later.  It makes it SO much easier for me to accept and realize, I'm not crazy at all--just very....organized. 

When I was practicing, I used a house as a guided imagery for my clients...one I had made up.  I'd have them imagine a house.  It's their house...they own it.  It's comfy and where they live.  They are inside and I tell them to imagine smelling dog poop.  The stink is starting to invade their home.  It gets stronger and you decide to go investigate where the smell is coming from.  You open the front door and someone has piled dog poop on your front porch, blocking you from getting out of the house.  I have them stay there for a minute until they start to get upset/angry.  The stench gets worse and soon, there are flies invading the house.  I tell them that there's a shovel in the closet.  Many times, the owner is so angry that they just sit there, stewing, wanting whoever dumped the poo to clean it up.  But whoever dumped it could care less about cleaning it up.  It's your house.  It's up to you to clean it up.  You have every right to be angry, furious that someone would do that to you!  You can let that keep you from cleaning up the mess or you can get the shovel and start shoveling the S...poo.  It's a dirty, filthy stinking job and YOU have to clean it up.  But once you start shoveling, you notice that your neighbors and friends come with their shovels and start helping you shovel your way out of the S...poo. That's our journey.  WE didn't create the crap we have to deal with--our perpetrators did; but we can't wait for them to come and clean it up...because if they did that to us in the first place, what makes you think that they are going to be there to fix it? 

This is the next level of my journey with my house!  I'm almost giddy with excitement.  I went to take a nap and was sitting on the edge of my bed and I realized--and actually said out loud--"I can do this."  It's been so overwhelming and I wasn't handling it well.  Now, I feel like I can truly move forward and take care of myself while doing it!
#5
AV - Avoidance / Using Dissociation on purpose???
February 11, 2015, 12:49:42 AM
Until yesterday, I always perceived my dissociating as a positive for my childhood but as maladaptive as an adult.  I've always put myself at around a 7 or 8 on the 'continuum' with a 10 being DID.  But even with that, I honest to God did not know just how badly I dissociated.  So I've been calling it out in therapy when it happens so that I can begin to recognize it. 

Yesterday was so bad and I couldn't get past it.  Then, it hit me...I could 'dissociate' my way out of it and move toward the adult me.  It worked...instantly. 

To me, I felt that was a positive because it kept me from my (very) negative coping behaviors. 

In my head, I totally get what's going on, but the emotions...are real, but not necessarily based in reality...and too overwhelming for me. 

So, opinions...good or bad to use Dissociation on purpose? 
#6
I'm kinda embarrassed that all of this is so new to me. 

I've done 'inner child' work since 1987.  I couldn't handle it and basically 'killed' the inner child.  Of course, you can't do that.  It just waits for you to be ready to do the work. 

I'm just in so much pain today.  I did inner child work with the 2 year old and truly tried to take care of her--and feel I did.  But it doesn't stop the pain.   :'(  I don't cry...and if I do it's completely silent, like now.  If someone walked in, I could blame a leaky eye and no one would know. 

My T did call to set up our appointments this week, but I've learned that to share anything on the phone with a T is bad/wrong/inappropriate and then I feel ashamed, needy and guilty. 

Then I think "What good would it do to tell her anyway?"  What good is it telling anyone?  No one can 'fix' it...it just has to pass. 

I keep thinking, "WHY did I allow this process to start all over again?!"  I  KNOW how it ends...and it doesn't end well for me because...deep down I don't think I can be 'fixed.'  I'm 100% this: 

The Freeze Type and the Dissociative Defense
Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - "the lost child" - who is forced to "choose" and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). "

I just wish...that I had let well enough alone.  I just can't deal with this crap once again. 
#7
The Cafe / I believe in You
February 09, 2015, 08:39:48 PM
This is a song that was played on the old TV show, "Touched By An Angel."  If you can, look up the song and listen.  The music is beautiful.  It's by Amanda Marshall.

AMANDA MARSHALL LYRICS
"Believe In You"

Somewhere there's a river
Looking for a stream
Somewhere there's a dreamer
Looking for a dream
Somewhere there's a drifter
Trying to find his way
Somewhere someone's waiting
To hear somebody say

I believe in you
I can't even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all I want to do is help you to
Believe in you

Somewhere someone's reaching
Trying to grab that ring
Somewhere there's a silent voice
Learning how to sing
Some of us can't move ahead
We're paralyzed with fear
And everybody's listening
'Cause we all need to hear

I believe in you
I can't even count the ways that
I believe in you
And all I want to do is help you to
Believe in you

I will hold you up
I will help you stand
I will comfort you when you need a friend
I will be the voice that's calling out

I believe in you
And there are just so many ways that
I believe in you
Baby, what else can I do but believe in you
Believe in you
All I want to know is you believe, yeah, yeah
Believe in you
#8
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Hi! I'm Anamiame
February 07, 2015, 06:27:22 AM
I'm looking for a support board to talk about my issues with.  No one in my 'real' life knows how much I have been suffering lately.  Let me explain a little. 

I was horribly abused as a child by my mother...everything from sexual abuse to trying to kill me on four separate occasions.  I was fortunate to be removed from her at the age of 14 when my father got full custody and discretion as to whether I saw her or not during their divorce.  That was 40 years ago.  I've seen her 7 times since then.  8 if you count my seeing her at the funeral home. 

I worked for 30 years on such issues and came to a pretty great place about ten years ago.  I've been happy, functional and really extremely well adjusted.  I really felt that I had worked through those issues successfully and had moved on with my life--a really wonderful life at that. 

Then she died. 

I thought her death would be sad--sad that she missed out on so very much in life.  I thought that it would be the final resolution to our relationship. 

Not. 

Instead, I learned something that even as a therapist, I did not know.  When someone you love dies, the relationship ends and you grieve the loss of that relationship.  But, when your tormentor dies, the relationship doesn't die, the torment continues.  It's an everlasting gift they give you. 

I went back into therapy after her death, however, there were so many other issues that I needed to deal with as well--being chronically ill and being found permanently/totally disabled and yet, disability being unwilling to pay; son totalling my new car and the insurance declining the claim...etc. 

I've known and used dissociation to my benefit for years.  I have severe Lupus that is complicated.  I can turn off pain by dissociating.  So, I don't really want to lose that ability.  I guess it was surfacing more in therapy and I started to take a look at my issues again. 

As time has gone on in therapy, it's become more and more evident that this really is an issue and more memories began to surface.  My view over the past ten years has simply been, "I know it happened, specific memories are not important because I've dealt with the underlying issues." 

In therapy before, I was too needy; too anxious; too dependent.  I had to make sure that I was safe and because I know the field so well and am quite intelligent, I could play mind games with them where I would always win and they would end up terminating the relationship.  Ultimately, they proved my point, they were not strong or smart enough to truly help me.  I was labeled Borderline, but honestly, it never fully fit.  CPTSD always has.  Anyway, whenever I would be vulnerable, it's like I would get my hand slapped and get deeply hurt...always coming back to the same thing:  "You stupid idiot!  What the * did you THINK would happen!  Never trust ANYONE to be there for you, NEVER!" 

I've been with my same counselor for 12 years now.  In 2005, something happened and this same pattern played out.  I left therapy, however, my children had a relationship with her (due to physical abuse by their father).  I vowed then to never enter therapy again--counseling would be fine, but not therapy. 

What's the difference?  Counseling is situational issues like how to deal with aspects of work, or issues with kids, or the death of your mother.  Therapy is getting down into the mire that is my soul and trying to sort through the unspeakable traumas that exist inside this hellish soul that is me. 

I wrote her a letter back then and vowed I would NEVER EVER EVER do therapy again.  I came to terms with the fact that I could help others; but no one could help me.  And I moved on. 

And here I am now.  In my mind I'm banging my head against a brick wall yelling at myself inside, "You STUPID FUCKIN' IDIOT!!! WHAT THE * WERE YOU THINKING??!!!!" 

She didn't leave.  I knew the script.  I knew how to play the game; but she's not playing the game the right way.  And I'm stuck.  I don't know what to do or how to react. 

We've talked about the dissociation.  I asked for her diagnosis of me and she didn't want to 'label' me.  I NEED labels.  She finally said CPTSD.  I couldn't argue. 

I've always said I am NOT DID...that it's just 'me.'  She'd ask questions from time to time about it and it would piss me off.  Truly, I am NOT DID. 

But what I didn't realize is just how fragmented I truly am.  And it's truly freaking the living crap out of me.  I have not told her about the fragments.  I'm not ready to.  So, I started once again, doing research on it and I know in the depth of my being that it's true.  And that really pissed me off. 

I shut down and probably 'switched.'  I've had three days of being back to my old self.  I just shut it down. 

I had session today and prayed before hand that I wouldn't play games.  I really tried, but to no avail.  She wanted to go to memories and I wasn't going there.  I told her the truth and tried hard to bring up the most important issue.

My relationship to her.  I can't handle it.  I can't do that.  I can't "NEED" her.  I can't get hurt again. 

I don't think she gets it.  I've explained it to her several times, but she's not 'getting' what I'm trying to tell her. 

I think she knew I was in a different place today (or fragment, whatever the * you wanna call it).  And I think it made her a little sad.  I'm having terrible car problems so I couldn't set our next session.  I know she thinks I'm running, but I'm not. 

When I came home, I took a nap.  I realized when I woke up that I no longer ask for help.  It's been my entire adult life.  Don't ask.  It's only going to hurt you.  And no one will help you.  When my youngest was born, our church did meals.  I was told, "Well, we asked everyone, but no one wanted to make you a meal."  Really???  REALLY???  It hurt more than I wanted to admit. 

I just don't ask anymore. 

I don't want to hurt.  I don't want to be panicky, or anxious or act out. 

I've really enjoyed the 'normalcy' of the past few days.  But the fact is that part of my soul, the tormented, damaged, ugly part, still exists.  But I can no longer say that  no one can help me.  She's been there for 12 years waiting for me to do the work.  But I can't handle the relationship and when I told her that today--quietly--she didn't get it.  I don't think she gets it and that makes her unsafe.  That makes it dangerous once again and the terror of that is more than I can handle.  I don't know where to turn or how to deal with it. 

Do I just shut down and call this bullcrap?  If not, HOW DO I MOVE FORWARD??? 

It's really quite terrifying.