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So I am working extremely hard in therapy, maybe even a bit obsessive-compulsive.  Reading numerous books, reading posts , posting, on this forum and others.  Analyzing, journaling, grieving etc etc.  I learned here that lots of people who were giving their therapist who don't know about CPSTD the book by Pete Walker.  I briefly mentioned CPSTD to my therapist months ago and she didn't know what it was and I gave her a brief answer and we never spoke of it again.

Yesterday, after rereading the book and discovering all kinds of aha moments, I decided to give the book to my therapist.  She said to me, "How long do I have to read it?"  I said something to the effect that she could just skim it and I had underlined some things-not really answering her question.

Later after the session I began feeling really vulnerable.  I felt like I am making my therapist do homework and that she might resent it.  I also felt like maybe she won't think the book is worthy of her attention.  Then thoughts of how its all going to play out.  Do I really want to be diagnosed with CPTSD?  or do I just really think there are great insights in the book about things that I am going through.

Another problem is that my insurance pays  less than other insurance companies do for her services-maybe $15-25 less.  So I struggle with not working her too hard.  The only reason I know my insurance company pays less is that she has mentioned it.  She mentioned it and than quickly said she wasn't that concerned with money at this point in her life, she is semi-retired.  When she and I discussed that at maybe some point my husband and I may need some family therapy she said - you need to find someone good and with your insurance that might be hard.

In general, I feel vulnerable and I didn't sleep last night and I am wondering why such a big deal about a book? Where is this feeling of vulnerability coming from?

I have done a lot of grieving.  I mean heart wrenching, deep primal sobbing for a couple of months.  Now I am in anger and resentment.  I AM SO ANGRY.  I spent my adulthood in a career that I wasn't suited for (attorney).  Now I am starting over.  I am going into the medical field and in school and volunteering at a hospital in the hopes of having something to put on a resume.  My Volunteer coordinator treats me like a high schooler.  She micromanages the simplest tasks, for example-I am busy restocking the servers for the nurses.
Her: How are you doing?  Do you have enough supplies?
Me:  Yeah I think so
Her:  Are you restocking the paperbags?
Me:  Yes
Her:  Pointing to the fact that there is only one paperbag left-what about those?
Me:  Oh yes ok

She notices the littlest detail of what I am doing and if its wrong in her eyes, nitpicks - constantly.

I was and still am an attorney and I am being micromanaged to this degree as if I were an inept teenager.

I don't want to just quit; I have already tried a couple different volunteer opportunities worse than this.

She doesn't know I was an attorney.  I feel like I will be judged if anyone knows I am starting completely over. (Shame perhaps?)

How can I be more assertive so I don't feel so resentful of people treating me like this.  I am used to automatic respect from people. 

Today I have to go in and am feeling on the verge of tears, extreme anger and like I just want to explode?  I feel like the stage in recovery I am in is affecting me so I am furious over these little details of my life.

A discussion came up on a recent post I made about whether it is healthy to dig around and try and figure out why you were chosen as the scapegoat.  My therapist encourages my curiosity about this and I have been asking my mom (not the narcissist) about what she thinks.  I  have also been exploring with my therapist the possibility of multi-generational family dysfunction and family resemblance as playing a role.

How many of you think (a) its a waste of emotional resources and possibly even damaging to explore why you were chosen for the scapegoat role or (b) it's interesting and helpful to explore why you were chosen to be the scapegoat to put everything into perspective.

On the one hand opponents of trying to figure out why you were scapegoated - think it may lead to self-blame, i.e., I was the bad child, the needy child etc and that is why I was chosen.

On the other hand, proponents of trying to figure out why you were chosen as a scapegoat might think that there is some useful information to be discovered i.e. that you resemble someone your narcissistic parent feels strongly about, or they may be jealous of you because your status of the golden child of a grandparent or any other family dynamic. That all of that information helps you put it into perspective and process it.

What are your thoughts?

So I grew up with an extremely narcissistic father and bipolar mother.  My father chose me as a young child to pick on and verbally abuse but left my sisters alone.  My therapist and I are trying to figure out why.  I had a horrible adolescence, outgoing younger sis golden child took over friendships, excluded me, from parties and events was very cruel etc.  I spiraled downward into rebellion and partying and all the very bad things you can imagine a rebellious teenager doing.  In tenth grade I was flunking out, had no self-esteem, no friends, no parental support, cruel siblings, etc.  Somehow I managed to turn my life around and ending up getting good grades and score high enough on college admission testing to get into Michigan State University.

I had been so ashamed of my adolescent behavior and so proud when I overcame the worst odds and graduated with good grades from a rigorous program at the University.  I was so desperate for my fathers approval.  I asked him to come to my graduation and he refused and I didn't go.  During this period of time he and my sisters started taking annual ski trips without me that went on for decades.

So just recently I have come out of the fog and in the past 6 months have attempted to sort this out and decided recently that no contact with my family was best.  In my last therapy session my therapist asked me if I had a picture of my Dad.  My mom had told me that it was because I looked like my dad that he chose me to scapegoat.  That he was taking his hatred of himself out on me.

So I went on facebook to see if there was a picture of himself on his page that I could show my therapist.  And there it was; a photo featured prominently on his page of he and his granddaugther (my niece) with his arm affectionately around her at her recent graduation from Michigan State University, my alma mater.  And the most recent post was that of my sisters and dad and other extended family  at yet another ski trip at Jackson Hole.  Two of the most pivotal and painful reminders of my traumatic past staring me right in my face. 

I feel as though I have been stabbed right in the heart.

I reached a crucial breakthrough session with my therapist last week.  I got very angry on my own behalf and told my therapist that I am worthy of good things and that I am certainly able to get through this and move forward with my recovery.  It was an emotional and powerful experience.

Since then, I have not been sleeping well and am exhausted.  I have intense dreams every night. 

I am doing so much better in my relationships with other people-feel more alive and determined and assertive.  I can even laugh now.

I just can't get motivated to be physical and clean my house and exercise.  Just too tired.

Is this normal?  I just want my old energy back.  I used to clean my house for hours at a time-go for three to four hour hikes.  Now (in the past two years since all this recovery took place)  I just do the bare minimum in my house and have to force myself to take my dog for a walk.

Please share with me if any of you have experienced this.   Can I expect my energy to return?

I am in therapy and just coming out of the fog.  I am having intense crying spells and can cry at just about anything.  I am concerned about getting stuck in this.  I can't access my anger very well and feel that that would be more empowering.  Any advice about how long is acceptable to grieve and how to access anger?

So yesterday was my sisters birthday.  I debated whether to send her a text Happy Birthday.  In the end, I didn't.  Feel kind of empty about that.  Yesterday told my therapist some more things from my past.  Like driving home with my college roommate and discovering my mom; in  a manic/psychotic state had run the car right into the garage door and it was all smashed in.  I don't know what happened to that relationship with that roommate; I know it ended badly.  We argued over some things.  Anyway we also talked about what hubby said about if I didn't get a job by next January we would have to sell the house.  I felt pressured when he said that. Yes I am going to be finished with my coding class and certification; but it may take some time to get a job.  Most physicians offices and hospitals want two years experience.  She said I need to get more involved with the finances and figure out for myself what is going on.  Feel incredible guilt that we have my student loans to pay and I am not practicing law anymore.  Hubby and I did talk awhile about it and he said he didn't blame me; that he should have been paying attention to the loans and not just paying the bare minimum.  That we will be o.k. if we take money out of the 401k to pay off the loans.  I don't want to do that either.  I don't want to be poor in our retirement.  A lot hinges on me getting some meaningful employment.

Its been two years since I closed my law practice and got depressed.  Only in the last two months or so have I linked that depression to CPTSD and the horrible traumatic childhood and adolescence that I had.  I am still having trouble getting interested into exercise and hobbies I used to like to do.  I am crying a lot; which the therapist thinks is great.  I need to grieve.  I have been drinking too much too.  No one knows that; not therapist or hubby.

I was recently told by my mom that my narcissistic dad emotionally abused me when I was quite young.  He would take his rage out on me and single me out to pick on.  (I looked like him and he was using me as a dumping receptacle for all the things he didn't like in himself) I am one of 3 sisters.  He blatantly favored my younger sister (the golden child).  I always knew my dad treated me differently than my sisters but I thought it started when I was a teenager.  I was rebellious and my mom sent me to live with my dad who simply dropped me off at my grandmothers.  I had completely blocked out any memories of early emotional abuse (amnesia?).  So I always blamed myself (if only I had been a good child).  Now I realize all the acting out I did as a teenager was probably because of his earlier abuse and my moms neglect.  My mom is mentally ill (bipolar) so she could not protect me from his abuse.

My parents divorced when I was 12.  In my later teen years I turned into an overacheiver-I ran marathons went to college and then law school and practiced law for 15 years.  Throughout my adult life I experienced retraumatization again and again.  My dad and sisters started going on annual ski trips and excluded me.  They visited each other quite often.  I would get Christmas newsletters detailing those trips and pictures of them all together on hiking or ski trips.  No one came to my college graduation, law school graduation, to see my new baby; congratulate me on passing the bar or making partner at my law firm.  My dad did not walk me down the aisle at my wedding, I walked alone.  Yet I continued to visit them; mostly to see my grandmother who lived nearby; who was my only source of support.  She was my dads mother; but she never spoke about the way he blatantly favored my younger sister or about the hostility he had towards me.  He resented any of my needs (like cosigning a loan for college or giving me a small loan to get a car when I got out of college). He directly compared me to my sister and said I wasn't outgoing and popular like her.

Then a crisis hit two years ago.  I had my own law practice and absolutely hated it.  I closed it and immediately became quite depressed.  Being a lawyer and having that success propped up my self esteem and made me feel good enough to interact with my family and others.  I began to realize the relationships with my sisters were not healthy relationships.  They were selfish and cruel to me in my adolescence and early adulthood.  They had adopted my dads narcissistic ways of dealing with me.   And I didn't see it.  I rationalized that they were jealous that I went away to college and they stayed home and had to deal with my moms increasingly severe bipolar illness.  I rationalized not being invited on those ski trips because I wasn't as good of a skier.  I told myself I needed to just forgive and forget and forge on.  When I did visit with family-my dad could not carry on more than a two sentence conversation with me but talked for hours to anyone else.  This was painful but I just suppressed it.  He would also blatantly favor the other sister asking her to go for rides in his corvette with him etc.  Why had I allowed myself to continue to be hurt?

It all became crushingly difficult when my grandmother died.  My father told me about the funeral but none of the details.  I wasn't told there would be an opportunity to speak.  This was the only person in my family that cared about me.  My sister ended up speaking at her funeral.  My other sister was a pallbearer.  No one recognized my unique pain even though they know I was the closest to her of the three of us.  I had written a short story about my grandmother when I was in college and it was read at the funeral but I wasn't named as the author.  We were going through her things after the funeral.  My dads girlfriend showed me a quilt and told me I should take it.  My dad came storming into the room and stated no-Renee wants that (the golden child).  I wasn't even allowed to make the choice of a quilt!!!  I was already suffering from depression at the loss of my career and this just tipped me over the edge.

So now I am having emotional flashbacks all the time.  I have severe depression, have tried numerous antidepressants, ect treatment, a partial hospitalization program and therapy.  My therapist thinks I should go no contact with both my sisters and my dad.  I feel like I have lost a family.  All I have is my loving husband and my son (who is thriving in college).  My son was diagnosed with a serious illness (chronic ulcerative colitis)  He also came out as gay.  I fear I won't have grandchildren.  I have no close friends.  I still talk to my mom.  She is somewhat mentally unwell but can be empathetic.  I am in school to start a new career in the medical field and started volunteering at a hospital to get out of the house to help my depression.

I am wondering if I have C-PSTD and if I should bring this up with my therapist.  I have a lot of the characteristics, like perfectionism, blaming, avoidance, flashbacks, hyper-vigilance, toxic shame, low self esteem, trouble sleeping, social isolation, amnesia, difficulty expressing needs, wants and emotions.  Thanks for reading and any feedback.