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[Someday I'll love Ocean Vuong]

I tried to find the right corner to post this note in, but if the mods deem another place more appropriate, I would most definitely respect this.

I wanted to share this poem which moved me so much.

I wanted to start this thread so others may post some poems which were instrumental in their recovery.

"Someday I'll love Ocean Vuong" by Ocean Vuong:

After Frank O'Hara / After Roger Reeves

"Ocean, don't be afraid.
The end of the road is so far ahead
it is already behind us.
Don't worry. Your father is only your father
until one of you forgets. Like how the spine
won't remember its wings
no matter how many times our knees
kiss the pavement. Ocean,
are you listening? The most beautiful part
of your body is wherever
your mother's shadow falls.
Here's the house with childhood
whittled down to a single red tripwire.
Don't worry. Just call it horizon
& you'll never reach it.
Here's today. Jump. I promise it's not
a lifeboat. Here's the man
whose arms are wide enough to gather
your leaving. & here the moment,
just after the lights go out, when you can still see
the faint torch between his legs.
How you use it again & again
to find your own hands.
You asked for a second chance
& are given a mouth to empty into.
Don't be afraid, the gunfire
is only the sound of people
trying to live a little longer. Ocean. Ocean,
get up. The most beautiful part of your body
is where it's headed. & remember,
loneliness is still time spent
with the world. Here's
the room with everyone in it.
Your dead friends passing
through you like wind
through a wind chime. Here's a desk
with the gimp leg & a brick
to make it last. Yes, here's a room
so warm & blood-close,
I swear, you will wake—
& mistake these walls
for skin."

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/05/04/someday-ill-love-ocean-vuong

I'm wondering if anyone has good resources on building trust.

I'm realizing I don't even know an intuitive feeling of trust - I know technically it means reliability and having faith in someone.  Because of the way I grew up I don't even know how to get familiar with the feeling.

So I'm hoping to find some good books, podcasts, youtube clips, worksheets, anything really. For me to train myself.

My T told me to go out and explore this topic, so naturally I come here first 

As I'm from a home of a narcissistic father with a subservient mother,
I'm used to turmoil and confusion and volatile emotional flairups in my intimate relationships.

I've done my share of dating men who made my fears come true - I sought out playboys, narcissists, a**holes. 

Now I'm seeing someone who is extremely stable - he doesn't do anything to make me suspicious. This of course makes me extremely suspicious, as if a grand conspiracy building up against me like two tectonic plates accumulating friction with a grand earthquake about to erupt.  I CBT my way out of that way of thinking at times and it helps get my fear of abandonment from 12/10 down to a 4/10.

In ANY case, I was wondering if anyone has ever felt NOTHING for their partner for a few moments? I have this new unfamiliar feeling that I sometimes feel nothing when I think about my partner.  Let's say I think about him 20 times a day. I would say 4 out of 20 times I just think about him (I wonder what he's doing, or his face just pops up) but I don't have that rush of loving emotion towards him. I just feel nothing.

Is that normal? 

My father has narcissistic personality disorder (and so does his father) and when I was growing up he was physically violent and emotionally abusive. My mother and I were in psychological terror but my brothers were spared (he liked to hate on women).

I'm almost through my stage where I mourn my lost childhood, and am almost at the beginning of redefinition. But I still have this urge to "want him to see how he's hurt me". I want him to understand what he's done to me. This is particularly difficult with people who have narcissistic personality disorder - they are delusional in nature.

So my question is - I'm quite happy not having my parents in my life. I am ok with never talking to my family again.  Is it ok to do this?  Is it ok to not forgive?

Disclaimer: I don't work for the University of Leicester, nor do I have any commercial interest (it's a free app anyways).

I love this app called "Catch It (Making sense of your moods)" developed by the University of Leicester. You record your mood, rate it on a scale of 1 to 5, and then it gives you a time-out session where you can reframe your thoughts. Then it allows you to reflect and re-rate your mood.

I love this app and it respects your privacy so much that you have to punch in a key code everytime you open your log!
https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/catch-it-making-sense-your/id899606280?mt=8

I'm wondering if anyone could help me collect a few online resources on Narcissistic abuse.
I've found these ones so far which I found very helpful, though not all are evidence-based.

CBC Podcast on growing up with a narcissistic parent:
http://www.cbc.ca/radio/tapestry/a-field-guide-to-the-narcissist-1.2803129

And invidual's blog:
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2013/12/01/signs-that-youve-been-abused-by-a-narcissist/
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2014/06/08/how-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse-changes-our-world-views/

Co-Narcissism article (by Alan Rapoport, PhD) read out loud by MentalPodcast:
http://mentalpod.com/Co-Narcissism-by-Dr-Alan-Rappoport-podcast

A website for survivors and victims of NA:
http://www.narcissisticabuse.com/

I would appreciate more! Thank you!

Some of the great resources I use have been posted before, but I thought these two haven't been mentioned yet.

1.
http://www.calmdownmind.com/

Great thoughts about calming the mind


2.
http://self-love-u.blogspot.ca/

Amazing blog showing insight and ingelligence on her journey through CPTSD recovery.

3.
http://www.insocialwork.org/episode.asp?ep=50

"Justice from the Victim's Experience"
An interview with Judith Herman on her new and upcoming book. So eloquent.

I'm a healthcare worker.
As I was talking to a patient I was triggered and realised I had suffered abuse (physical and emotional) from both my parents all throughout childhood.

I had a long period of denial, though the CPTSD manifested itself in tumultuous romantic relationships.