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Topics - chiraheally

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Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Dating
« on: November 13, 2015, 10:05:57 AM »
HI, I am back after a too long absence.  I realise how much this site is a help, my own journalling is just not enough!
 I just read another post about dating and got up the courage to write my own. 

Met someone on an internet dating site on Sunday and the same pattern emerged as with the other two men I met recently:  I idealise them and refuse to see the "whole picture" so that I start falling in love with then within a few days of contact (even when I havenīt met them) and then of course I fall down hard onto the cold concrete floor called reality.

I then go through a major grief process as I am confronted with my inability to trust my own perceptions.

Still, what I did differently today was: I recognised that my inner critic was taking the stage and whipping me into a depression which I stopped and through journalling got myself a little bit of perspective back.

My therapist had opened my eyes yesterday as I went into my session already in the opiate-induced state of being "in-love" ish.  When I described the situation she asked me "why did you give him your address the day after you met him on the internet?" and I realised how dangerously I had acted, especially given that I have a 4-year-old daughter.  He had insisted on coming to bring me gifts (the day after we had exchanged four medium-lengthed messages and had agreed to meet) and even after I had said no, not tonight, he asked if he could leave them at the door for me, at which I gave in and met him outside.  But at the time I did not see that he had disregarded my boundaries (my perennial issue) and that I had not protected them.  He came again the following night and although I had not asked him nor consented to this, brought a charger to charge my car battery (i canīt afford to drive it so it has been sitting on the street for a year now) and spent two hours doing so.  All the while I am foolishly feeling like he is some kind of knight rescuing me, when in reality, I donīt need the "(§/$& car and I would have preferred that he ask me out on saturday night when my daughter is at her fatherīs like I had specified on my profile. 

Am mad at myself for not holding my own needs in awareness and projecting my inner childīs need to be loved and rained attention on, onto my adult (!) relationships.  But, I remind myself, being compassionate with myself is much more productive than being mad at myself.

Still, I am grieving: my loneliness and desperate need for male attention; my inability to self care often especially when it comes to men;  my idealisation of rather unstable men; and my inability to stay on the ground and hold the process of getting to know someone without instantly falling in love with them.

mantra: I am learning from each and every valuable mistake I make and I love my mistakes, the more the better, keep them coming, amen.

thanks for reading, hope you are all having a lovely day!

xxxx  Chira

Introductory Post / struggling
« on: February 16, 2015, 09:25:49 PM »
Hi Everyone. 

Despite minimising my trauma in comparison to many of yours, I still identify with CPTSD and therefore give myself the right to belong here.  Each time I read a post, I feel deep compassion and love for the warriors here who demonstrate so much wisdom and insight and honesty and generosity to each other.  I feel inspired to aspire to this level of communication.

I am so grateful to the blessed person from Ootf who first quieried whether i could be CPTSD and (not PD like I feared ) which led to me buy the book, leave my uPD husband and try to rebuild my life again piece by piece while parenting my rather demanding 4-y.o daughter mostly alone (well, not technically as ex-H sees her twice a week).  Pete walker's book is the most helpful book I possess.  I have learnt not to open it if I am not up to crying.  Since then I have learnt that PD is the extreme end of the sprectrum I am on and I do not need to further demonise the PD's in my life nor the parts of me that identify with some of their traits.  I have not, however, fully managed to do this yet.

My uNPD father was here last week visiting.  Two days later I am feeling such a deep self hatred despite knowing all i have learnt.  I was hoovered back in so completely that I am shocked at how little my knowledge helped.  The trigger was that he gave me money which i so desperately took for love that he was able to reel me in and proceed to systematically dismantle every little bit of self I had managed to build up between seeing him last.  I did have a lot of instances of standing my ground but on the whole, he won.  he got bigger.  i got smaller.  **** him.  hope he never comes again.  I would like to go NC but not there yet.  Am hoping he dies soon so that i can weave a fantasy around him and remember the "good" things.  hope that doesn't sound too horrible, sorry if it does.  Hate myself for accepting his money and bitching about him behind his back.  hate myself.  hate him.  hate everything right now.

sorry to sound negative.  truth is there is a lot to be grateful for.  just having a bad day, i think.  i must admit it helps to just be honest and write the words above but am hoping no one takes them too seriously.  my T gives me fortnightly appointments and I need more.   I need to vent.  I need to cry on someone's shoulder.  But there is no one.  I have never been so isolated in my life. (boo hoo! :)

overheard daughter tell ex-H that she didn't know if i loved her.  sword wounds in my heart.  worst fear i have is to be emotionally unavailable to her.  hope i course correct soon.

So, nice to meet you all on this day of flashback into the no-right-to-exist feelings. 

looking forward to reading how life is treating you too!  Thanks for letting me share, it really helps.

foggy, stormy and hopefully healing,

Chira (I am already attached to this pseudonym)

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