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Topics - Blueberry

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Recovery Journals / Taking those concrete beneficial steps
« on: July 19, 2019, 08:21:26 AM »
A new Journal for me out of the blue. I mean the idea came out of the blue this morning.

This is to be Journal where I do, where I act and note that, instead of discussing things with myself. At least I'll consciously try to take those actual steps.

The background to this new step was a discussion with my T on Wednesday and my thoughts since then. So I go 2-3 times per quarter. I could get more therapy, a T could apply for this for me, but for that I would have to find a new T. That's just part of health care regulations here. My T even gave me some names of therapists I could try in his own city. Yesterday on the forum somebody mentioned hoping for "Fix me" from someone. That's part of my scenario too. I admit it. So taking concrete steps is a way to practise the opposite.

I don't always do my T homework. My T is easy on that, knowing that neither internal and external pressure are good for me. He probably assumes I have to get there in my own time (as I'm doing now ;) ) even though that might take aaaaaages.

So what homework could I be doing:

1) Sitting with feelings instead of acting on them
2) Exploring my feelings when I have an urge to eat
3) Exploring my feelings just before I go food-shopping
4) Keep attempting 2. and 3. even though they're difficult and I can't feel much at all.

What steps of my own choosing could I be doing:
5) Practise very basic self-care e.g. going to bed early enough, brushing teeth regularly etc.
6) Adjust self-talk to reflect current reality not FOO's reality
7) Simple spontaneous yawning and stretching
 8 ) Even singing/voice exercises? since they also involve yawning and stretching AND it's an area outside therapy where doing homework would be beneficial.

That's all that occurs to me for the moment. But it's enough.

Therapy / MOVED: Nothing has helped
« on: July 02, 2019, 08:50:09 PM »
This topic has been moved to Suicide Ideation/Self Harm. because SI is mentioned

Successes, Progress? / Decision to not do something
« on: July 02, 2019, 12:32:22 PM »
Today I made a decision not to take on a particular contract job!  :cheer: Even when the potential clients questioned the difficulty of the job, I gave a couple of examples of why it actually is difficult in certain places and why I think a particular freelance colleague of mine would do a better job.  The clients accepted that without any further discussion. :cheer: :cheer:


Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / MOVED: I'll survive
« on: June 09, 2019, 09:32:48 AM »
This topic has been moved to Friends.
More appropriate board.

United Kingdom / UK - book and other resources on benefits system
« on: May 29, 2019, 09:13:05 AM »
theres an excellent book called "the big book of benefits" which helped me get standard pip on both components.
the child poverty action group publish it

General Discussion / MOVED: Questions about EMDR
« on: May 24, 2019, 10:57:04 AM »
This topic has been moved to Therapy. Most EMDR topics are on Therapy, not General.

I mentioned in WideSargassoSea's Journal that I sometimes put an IC into the care of a Babysitter so as not to go on overwhelm in my Adult self. I didn't come up with that idea by myself. Various therapists did imagination work with me over the years and various animals popped up and some have stayed with me.

In one case, it wasn't immediately clear that the animal was only for an IC and not for me. That's Porcupine. He is now for the 2 yo only. There's a Mother Hen who looks after really small ICs, but not the 2 yo. Older ICs have Inner Safe Places where I can put them where they do something they enjoy. The 16 yo dances wildly, by herself. The 6 yo likes to be outside in nature. The 11-12 yo is in a room full of books. Sometimes the 7 yo gravitates towards the 16 yo, but mostly the 7 yo stays in her Inner Safe Place.

I used to think the 7 yo's Inner Safe Place was very unsafe but my present T asked me to feel into why she likes it and then it was clear why she chose that spot, so I'm assuming it's similar with the Babysitter Animals.

Checking Out / off for a few days
« on: May 14, 2019, 07:09:38 AM »
I'll be off the forum for a few days because I'm sick and should be in bed resting.

Successes, Progress? / Disability pension
« on: May 08, 2019, 07:47:53 PM »
 :cheer: My disability pension has been granted for another three years  :cheer:  :)

Letters of Recovery / To a neighbour
« on: April 16, 2019, 10:07:31 AM »
 Ms. R,

I'm really angry :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:. Yesterday you were removing "just" one branch from that tree. Now I see that you are taking over that whole area of the garden! You're like some colonial power - you move in to "uninhabited territory" taking it over for more and more vegetable plot without caring that it's not uninhabited. It's just used differently from the way you see as useful. FYI I sit in that part of the garden in spring and autumn when there is sun only down the bottom of the garden. You have 3/4 of the bottom of the garden along the wall already! You could leave the remaining 1/4 for me (and anybody else in the building who wants). Mark my words, when that turns into your new garden plot, I'll be putting my lawn chair in the middle of it anyway. I don't care anymore about that. Though I will have a bit of trouble putting the guinea pigs' run out so that they get the last of the warm sun too. But I know you think my little furries are a waste of space, that they don't have any right to be in the garden, that your plants are more important. They aren't though. Everybody in the building can use the garden. Before you moved in, we had the concept of shared space and individual space. We didn't always agree but some of us at least talked about it, talked about plans. You don't. You just move in and bulldoze down, take over.  :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:

I have every right to question your plans when you're in the garden! I don't need to be ashamed of that, or feel guilty. Your actions show you either don't know or don't care about other people's rights or space or boundaries. Nor does your mother, and she doesn't even live here. I'm sure she's not listed on the rental lease. But still she comes and moves my stuff or moves your stuff into my space, like potted plants into my personal garden space, claiming it belongs to the other business premises in the building. Years AFTER you persuaded the landlord of the time to ban the people from that very business premise from the garden. It's just so  :pissed: unfair.   

  :bawl: Yeah, it's an IC. Well, T tomorrow where I can try and heal the IC so as to be better able to deal in the present with this situation, though we will discuss how to deal too, not just the past.
Now that I've got that out of my system a bit, I can get on with my translation again.


I'm talking unhealthy behaviour when I was growing up, but actually it continues.

People say that when you want to discuss an issue with someone, you should not bring up past behaviour, you should stay in the present. That's what FOO says. The problem is they wouldn't allow you to discuss it at the time either. That didn't just happen to me. enF refused to allow uPDM to discuss issues. He just wouldn't listen so she'd blurt them out whenever, like when he had friends over. But what did he expect? He didn't want to hear it later. He didn't want to hear it ever of course. I suffered more directly under her than him, but he's by no means innocent.

My brothers both discuss issues with their wives and present day issues with enF and uPDM now, or more likely they tell enF and uPDM in no uncertain terms where to get off, but allowing me to discuss anything would count as rocking the boat too much. So they block me.

I wouldn't go as far as to say I feel sorry for uPDM because of the treatment she got at the hands of enF and possibly still gets but I have a bit more understanding for her in general, but not for her treatment of me if that makes sense.

This has all come clear to me since my second yoga stay.

Memory/Cognitive Issues / Panic affecting memory
« on: March 13, 2019, 07:02:31 PM »
I'm teaching a young American woman the local language of my country. She's a complete beginner and she likes learning with me. There's also only her, not a whole group. I like teaching her too. But for some reason I panic internally and my brain goes on strike about grammatical gender or sometimes even verb endings. Words where I wouldn't think twice in day-to-day usage whether I'm using them correctly - when I'm teaching I have these brain lapses. I'm talking very basic language usage too. I know this stuff! 

I suppose it's connected to all the criticism and making fun of that I experienced at the hands of FOO since that was particularly about my verbal expression and intellectual intelligence.

Thanks FOO, not. A few years ago when thousand of refugees moved to my country, all sorts of institutions were desperate for teachers of the local language. I looked into it but noticed the panic setting in and gave up on the idea. Again, thanks FOO. Not.

Questions/Suggestions/Comments/Shout Outs / MOVED: therapy
« on: February 25, 2019, 09:12:17 PM »
This topic has been moved to Therapy. because the OOTS Board is for questions about the forum in general, not about therapy!

Questions/Suggestions/Comments/Shout Outs / MOVED: Getting Started
« on: February 19, 2019, 06:52:17 AM »
This topic has been moved to Introductory Post.
because new mbr's first post

General Discussion / MOVED: CPTSD and Anger
« on: January 30, 2019, 01:43:53 PM »
This topic has been moved to AD - Affective Dysregulation (eg Anger, Numbness, Derealization).
so that it's on the same board as other posts on anger.

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