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Is there anyone else out there who, like me, feel like you are always being watched even when you're alone?
I felt like that as a child in my strict Christian family, God was always there to watch and judge even when my mother couldn't.
Always reading your mind.
Always knowing everything.
Always silently judging you.

I'm in a really bad place right now, I go to bed with a racing heart and fantasies that scare me and I wake up from nightmares hating myself.
Basically everything has boiled down to hardcore self hatred.
I'm not even a self harmer per se, my biggest way of self harming is to deny myself anything that makes me feel better or allowing myself to act in a way that makes me seem like a nice person.
I can hear words coming out of my mouth to friends that are way too harsh and condescending and it just confirms how bad I am.

Ever since I started reading up on CPTSD I've been doing some real hard work but the self hatred is just too much to bear. It's like my whole world will crumble if I am not put at the bottom of the pecking order where I belong because I am a horrible person and I deserve to be hated.

Every time I make efforts to feel better my self hatred shows up with renewed strength saying "Oh no you don't!" and pulls me down again.
It's totally crippling and any strategy that used to help me is useless because I don't deserve strategies anyway.

I guess this is where my anger is at, no wonder I felt reluctant in releasing it.

Anyone else being triggered by The spartan life coahch's videos where he is codependent with Sam Vaknin? (dating 1 year or so back from his most recent)

I've been listening in on Richards old videos and coming up to his later videos I just find it extremely triggering to see how codependent he is and how he has lost touch with reality.

I don't know.. I just wanted to voice this, I feel so sorry for Richard and my codependency is flaring up like crazy- telling me that I must warn and protect him since he has helped me with his past videos where he wasn't crazy.
How do I un- codepent?
And how can I turn my back on this when I see Sam Vaknin trying to Narcissist all over us with his sadistic motivations?
I feel like it is an important subject that I care deeply about and it's important to speak up but I just don't know if I can bear the sheer magnitude of what's going on here!

I had a major EF at work today, though I almost expected it this time as I have been monitoring my mood very carefully.

It's always like this: I feel happy about something, like having worked on my CPTSD and noticed progress.
First it's like falling in love and feeling like everything will be just fine but after a while the feeling fades and the inner critic comes creeping from the background ever so discretely to remind me of the harsh reality.
Soon everything spirals down and I have a full blown panic attack 

I didn't know I suffer from panic attacks until just recently because I always "implode", you can barely notice it on me but it physically HURTS in my chest though my heart isn't racing.
(That's how they always describe panic attacks)
There's just so much rage inside me and it destroys me from the inside and leaves me with terrible "brain fog" that reminds me of how my friend was after her stroke when she had to go and lie down in a dark room after socialising.

No one has really understood my pain since you can't see it on the outside thanks to my mother who forced me to stop crying when I was a child and told me to suck it up.
She would often trigger me when I was happy and bring me down and she was pleased that I became so quiet and grumpy.

I am so sad because this makes me so bitter and defensive towards everyone in the whole wide world.
It makes me HATE everyone I see and I feel my rage seeping out towards anyone who dare disturb me.
I've never understood before why I was acting like a grumpy old lady that was always boring and no fun to hang out with but this rage and fear towards humanity is just too much to bear!

And it all connects to my non existing social life and how I connect with people.
I tend to feel threatened so easily that I instantly lash out at people and scare them away.
What am I to do with all this?
I can barely cry even when I'm alone, it keeps me in a coma and my whole body HURTS!
All this because I thought about trying to make some new friends....

Please help! 

I realized today that my childhood never really taught me how to cope with life and set goals for myself.
My N- mother used to escape from her problems and preferably not deal with them at all and taught me the same "skills" when I needed her to tell me how to cope with life.

It's been almost impossible to set goals for myself, I have often become overwhelmed and any success on my part was always ignored or brushed off as nothing out of the ordinary.
I often felt like life was this endless dark space of time that you just had to drag yourself through, no excitement, no goals to work towards...
So my dreams became unreachable, I would always chase anything I knew I'd never get instead of things that seemed possible.
And I've often been inclined to do things that keeps me going backwards in life and never really succeeding.

I feel at the pit of my stomach that this is something that has really been bothering and stressing me out and it feels good to finally acknowledge that the bridge between me and success was broken from the start.
I have been feeling like all I could do is dream, that a project is easy and fun in the beginning but not worth continuing and finishing.
And I've never been confident enough to start something because it has been so hard for me to follow through.

I guess I never really understood what a big part my mother played in crippling my successfulness though I know she never really wanted me to succeed since I became her scapegoat.
She would prefer that I was mentally challenged and dependent on her for the rest of my life and I almost believed her because she had broken my confidence down so badly.

Man I have a lot of catching up to do but it feels great to have figured this out!
I thought that someone in here might relate?

Hi everyone!

I was just listening to Richard Grannon talk about how we can develop N- traits as a result of abuse and how anger that is repressed can seep out in other ways that is provocative and draw attention towards you.
I felt like it applies to me, some times I get this build up in me and I just blurt things out and become provocative.
I also have a very dark sense of humour and have been told off many times because people think that I am too negative when In my own mind I'm only joking.

Need less to say this realisation fills me with shame but I want to get better, I just don't know how!

I had anger issues as a child when I would fly into a rage and beat other kids when ever we had an argument, just like how it was in my family.
If I were to show anger at home I would be abruptly interrupted and threatened into fear instead.
So whenever I start feeling the fire of rage inside me a gust of fear blows it out before it even has a chance to emerge.

I also used to feel sick and tired of always feeling frustrated with my parents so there is a sense of hopelessness whenever I try to feel angry about what they did to me.
It's like there's no point in being mad, it'll just get me worked up and feeling bad without doing me any good and I am so sick of feeling that way that I refuse to feel it again.

Has anyone got the slightest idea on how I can approach my anger?
I had a therapist that wanted me to connect with my anger but she only triggered me into EF's and re traumatised me so I realised I need to be careful about how I approach this.

I just wonder if any of you have happy mood swings like I do?
Some times I can feel satisfied, happy and excited about life and even like I'm falling in love.

It's just that I've been afraid to tell any therapist about it since I don't want them to write it off as Bipolar disorder, I've been wondering if it could be emotional flashbacks or something?
This used to happen to me as a child as well, I had to live out most of my emotions through watching cartoons or creating scenarios in my imagination and sometimes it would fill me with bliss.

I couldn't really express any happiness at home, at least not the bubbly, joyful and loud kind of happiness that makes you want to jump around and sing.

One reason I don't think it's Bipolar is because I can still manage my life and I haven't done anything too reckless though I make different choices when I'm happier.
Usually my bouts of happiness have been connected to my sex and love addiction as I've been getting kicks out of it but not always.

The happy mood swings comes and goes irregularly for me and sometimes only for a short while.
Some times they just make me feel normal, like an average happy middle class citizen who is just glad to be alive and have a home and work to go to.
I figure it wouldn't be called "mood swings" if happiness weren't included, right?
But that it doesn't necessarily have to be because of Bipolar or anything like it, just CPTSD?

I've been stuck all day.
Had some anxiety and a flashback.
Now I'm stuck in my head, I can't think about the thing that's bothering me because I keep dissociating away from the subject.
I'm frustrated in how hard it is when it seems so simple!

I was planning on doing stuff today but instead I've been sleeping and not really doing anything productive.
But I guess that's ok, I'll be doing things tomorrow so this can be my "leisure day" if one thinks dissociating into numbness counts as "leisure"...

When reading this I guess I am a bit frustrated with myself.
Trying to feel compassionate for my problems but I make things so difficult for myself some times and I don't understand why.
I wish I could understand.

I've been trying to do normal every day things and today I just had no energy at all and no will power to do anything.
I really tried to understand why it was this way and after a while I just had some sort of flashback to me as a child that had just broken down under the weight of everyone's expectations.
Something just seriously broke at some point, I could feel it.
It gives me a very strange feeling in my stomach, like it's full of helium or something, I suspect it has to do with a cramp in my abdomen muscles due to locked up emotions.

I think that the moment that I broke is when I started suffering from depersonalisation, tough I never really thought that I did because I didn't notice it until now.
Usually I only noticed my derealisation because it blurs my vision but I think I just recently have become aware that I also suffer from depersonalisation.
Logically it makes sense since I am a freeze- type and dissociate a lot, why shouldn't I dissociate myself?
I just thought that I'd know if I did.

Have anyone else made discoveries like this?
I feel like I had no clue until I started looking into it more deeply as I've been reading about CPTSD.

I just came off the phone with a psychologist, I wanted to be referred to a place in another city where they specialise in PTSD (and CPTSD).
He was reluctant and said he wanted to know more but promised me he would contact them anyway as I have to have him do it for me.
Hopefully they can provide some cognitive help and guidance.

I remember my stepfathers aunt and her husband babysitting me and my siblings at times. I always hated it because the aunt would rage at me and tell me that I was rude towards her husband and that "every child where they lived loved him". 

I can't really remember him, only his wife and her terrifying anger. She would always make my mom and stepdad spank me extra hard after they had been babysitting me and my sisters because of my behaviour. I remember thinking that my behaviour usually wouldn't tick my mother and stepfather off, I thought that she was over dramatic.

Recently my sister told me she remembers the aunts husband and how we always had to sit in his lap and that he would pat our thighs...
I got a flashback then.. or just a picture in my head from what she had told me? I saw myself sitting in his lap alone in the living room, he was weird and not connecting with me at all. It was awkward and silent and I thought he was weird...  It could be that he made me feel uncomfortable and that I told the Aunt which threw a tantrum to take the focus off from him and onto me instead. I remember the phrase: "Go and sit with uncle John" being used a lot. Or am I just making things up? I honestly don't know

There was another aunt, her partner that she lived with tickled my sisters "in the wrong place" and when I told the aunt about it he threw a tantrum and threatened me.  I was terrified and his threat was enough to convince mother that it wasn't a safe place to let your children stay (never mind that they were drunk and screaming at each other the last time they had babysit us).

I was always an expressive child and would speak up if I thought something was wrong, though they almost never listened.

Now I am trying my hardest to remember the first aunts husband ("Uncle John") that I wrote about in the beginning. I have a very clear memory of me standing naked in the bathroom after I just had gotten up from the bath and the aunt handing me a towel while screaming about what a horrible child I was. I wonder what had happened before then.

Every time I try and vent this to someone they warn me about false memories and this makes me even more insecure about what I remember.  Is there any way that you could unlock them without paying charlatans for one hour of hypnosis? I feel like I want to know, it's very unsettling to not have the whole picture.

I was never welcome in my mothers house, she would often treat me as a squatter that had to go asap even though she hated it when I tried to become independent.
Routine was never a part of our family life and now at 30 I still struggle with routine and feeling at home in my own apartment.
I always thought I never wanted a family of my own since I feel like I couldn't handle it but as I am resolving some old stuff I actually find that wanting a family is one of my biggest wishes really.

Maybe I could handle it in the future?
The mere idea is mind blowing to me.

I always thought that I was no good at the whole "relationship thing" since I've often gotten restless and pulled away from people but as I am resolving my past I realize that it wasn't all my fault that everyone left me.

Today I still struggle to claim my space in my new, bigger, apartment that I recently moved to.
I have moved in and out from boyfriends apartments and they always threw my things away to make space for their nice things, so I don't have all the nice furniture you could expect of a 30 year old and this fills me with shame.
I want to have a really nice place before I invite people so I rarely invite anyone.

Right now I am saving money like crazy to buy new and nice furniture but my salary is very low.
I realize that I have to think about my worth as an employee as well, If I can resolve my stress problems that are connected to learning new things and being in new places maybe I can become a valued employee with confidence!

I read a little bit from my CPTSD- bible by Pete Walker every day, from only seeing darkness in my future there is actually hope!

Well, you read the title. *trigger warning* just to be safe.

I self diagnosed myself with S.L.A when I read about it online.
Ever since I was a child I escaped into fantasies about being loved and the only love I could think of was that between a man and a woman.
I partly blame cartoons for this where all the princesses got their prince in the end and lived happily ever after.
I would escape into daydreams for hours about this and fall in love with cute boys in my school for years even though I never dared talking to them.

I am still an attention junkie even though I also am a freeze- type and don't get out much.
But when I find a man I sometimes become way too attached and super needy.
My last relationship was an open one but after 2 years I found out that he was a lying sociopath whom had lied to me every day and given me everything I wanted so that he could parasite off of me.
We planned to move in together but I am glad I found out in time and broke it off immediately.

Now I feel stupid and understand that no sane person would want a relationship like we had but he gave me so much attention and made me feel special so I fell down pretty hard after that.

I've had some loose connections, which was fine, but now I keep falling into the arms of the same man even though I promised myself that I wouldn't.
He is a simple guy from a similar family as me and I don't think he gets why I keep away from him at times.
It's fine when we are together but afterwords he wants to be alone and I end up feeling abandoned even though we agreed not to take it further, then I won't hear from him in a week or two until next time he's feeling frisky.
I wouldn't date this guy since he is not my type at all but I found myself longing for him and falling into a crush like I used to as a child.
I think I've managed to stifle those feelings and think about what it really is.
It's not him, I just crave love so desperately.
Every time I say "no" he notices how love thirsty I am and gives me compliments and tells me he likes hanging out with me and I fall for it every time.

Being intimate is nice, you get endorphin rushes that keeps the anxiety away but sometimes it can turn into anxiety as well if I have a bad day.
I don't think I was abused but I got interested in these things very early and kind of obsessed over it the way I obsessed about being in love. (I partly blame society for sexualising women and girls)
If I'm not intimate for a longer period of time I can get super anxious, it's like a black, painful cloud spreading all over my heart and it hurts physically.

I just don't know what to do, we humans need each other and I love hanging out with friends but easily get isolated and don't talk to people. My friends and I don't see each other as much as I would want to because they have lives.
And I don't.
And I only feel comfortable around a few, select people who knows me and won't judge me which makes it so much harder to find new people.
Like I am an attention seeking, love craving hermit.
Other that that I just sit by the computer and don't know what to do with myself and my life, I just feel so lost.

You know when someone tells you off because they are displeased with something you said or a joke that went wrong?
It makes my heart race like crazy. 
It's like I can't be friends with someone if they tell me off one too many times because my stress response ruins the whole friendship and I spend the rest of the time worrying if I am going to say something wrong again.

It feels pretty shameful since I know this is a part of interacting with people and that everyone has a right to say if they got offended by something or didn't like something.
I've always thought I was childish because of my emotional response and because I usually stay away from people who trigger it even though I mentally understand and respect their point of view.

It's been so confusing for me, feeling like I am childish in one way and mature in another way.
Understanding the difference between immature reactions and stress responses has meant the world to me.
If I can fix this I can probably be friends with people with healthy boundaries in the future!