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Topics - Panda

#1
TW hints at abuse, chronic illness, death








Dear me,


today is the day that will change your life forever. At about 9:30 pm, your mother will die. Suddenly, with no warning.


It will hurt but it'll take twenty years to get to the worst of it. That doesn't mean your grief isn't valid, it just means that at the moment, you're still so deep in trauma that you can't feel all of it. That's okay, you're 13 years old, you don't need to.


She had been sick for a while, with a disease that would sadly become a running joke thanks to a popular TV show and that'll hurt too, for a long time. You don't remember her not being sick, it was normal for you. And it was normal to treat it the way you did because no one included you in anything or gave you any sort of support through it. You didn't mess up, you were a child not knowing better.


Please remember that even with the things she did to you (and to dad too) it's okay to grieve. It's okay to be hurting, it's okay to need support, it's okay to let adults know you need someone to guide you through this.
I know that's what you think right now, but they're not all like her. They want to help, some of them do at least, but I know you're still so deep in it you can only think they won't be able to help or be just like her. It's okay, I don't blame you. You're just a lost child and I know how bad everything hurt back then.


Also, the thing you said, the one you still feel guilty about? It's okay. Forgive yourself. You didn't know she was going to die. You had no way of knowing. I know it sucks and you wish you hadn't said it but it's okay, you can forgive yourself.


I have so much advice to give you, so many things I wish I could change for you but at least be sure that at 33, I'm getting better and recovering more every day. Could it have happened faster? Probably, if I'd had the right support network and more help and things like that but better now than ever.


Kid, I know you're hurting, I know it'll be another while until it gets easier and it'll probably never stop but... you did what you could. You worked with the little resources you had and I'm so proud of you for holding on despite how difficult it was. You're a good kid and you are very, very loved.


We'll be okay. It takes time, it takes a lot of work, but we'll be okay.
#2
This wouldn't have been possible a couple of months ago.
We needed some windows replaced and I made the appointment with the roofer thinking my wife would also be home but alas she is a nurse so sometimes things change around. So I'm now here with two men I don't know and for the first time in ages, I'm just relaxed. They're doing their job, I'm just chilling out, it's magic.


Not saying I don't feel a bit weird when they get loud with each other like handymen tend to do but... I'm not afraid. I'm literally more afraid that a pigeon is going to fly into the house (got no windows in after all) than I am of two men I don't know.


It took years to get to this point and tbh I'm feeling pretty proud of myself, first because I handled all the phone calls it took to get here and now because I'm doing pretty dang okay.

#3
I've seen these sort of threads on a number of forums and thought it couldn't hurt to start one here. If it's not welcome feel free to close/change, of course.


Basically, if the search function fails you or you feel like you can't adequately search for what kind of board/thread you're looking for you can come here and ask if another member knows of something fitting.


I'll start:


Do we have a thread for our positive accomplishments that are not (strictly) related to C-PTSD (outside of posting about it in our journals)?
#4
Medication / Opipramol/Opramol/Insidon
April 01, 2021, 11:20:26 AM
Did any of you take this one before?


I'm not sure what the most common name in the US is so I included a couple just in case.


I've only just got my prescription and had the first dose but I'd like to know a bit more about people's experiences. I know everyone's different and responds differently to medication but I'd still love to hear about it!
#5
I know no one here can give me a definitive answer, but I'd appreciate it if people have any advice, their own experiences to share or whatever else comes to mind.


So, I don't remember a time in my life where I didn't frequently dissociate so it's very hard for me to tell what's normal and what's not.


However, when I recall past trauma like in a post I did earlier, I find sometimes myself... it feels like slipping into the skin of my younger self. The same emotional state, craving doing things I did back then, craving music I listened to when I was that age, acting like I did then. Being confused about differences to my body (like being heavier, having shorter hair, no longer having my earings...)


And then some time passes and I calm down or I manage to ground myself and I'm back in the present, back in my own self.


Plus I find that I have like... not alters, that's not it. Just parts of me that don't feel like a whole being.
Like, my inner child is so pronounced I can feel myself slipping into their skin and having only the ability to understand what my 7,8 year old self would understand. Not being able to recall big words, for example.


And it's the same for other aspects, parts, whatever the terminology might be, of myself. It's like I shut a door and what's out front is me, but a different version of me.


I would just like to say this feels very different from normal adjustment for social reasons, like not swearing in front of elderly relatives or having to adjust to easier language when talking to kids for example. It literally feels like an entirely different part of me is wearing my skin and I'm (mostly) just able to watch until I get my body back.


Is that still a normal aspect of your garden variety of dissociation? Is it an entirely different thing? Is there a name for stuff like that?
I feel stumped in doing my own research. I don't want like, a diagnosis via internet, I just want to learn and understand what is going on with me.
#6

*** TW emotional abuse, mentions of self harm, suicide attempt and sexual harrasment, incompetent medical care***

After waking up from another nightmare, I'd like to share some stories of abuse and neglect I experienced in the two psych wards I was in as a 16-17 year old. I was in there because at the time, I recieved a diagnosis of recurrent depressive disorder, was self harming and skipped a lot of school.

I have large gaps in my memories (I'm sure people here can relate) but I just gotta word vomit this stuff.

Apologies if this isn't in the right place.

One thing that looking back always sticks out to me that at least to me, it never seemed like the professionals made an attempt to cure or even accurately figure out what was wrong with me.
I took one IQ test (fun when you have the memory of a goldfish due to living in an actively abusive household) and one diagnostic test for depression that I lied on and selected what I thought were the less "depressed" options but still got diagnosed with a moderate depressive episode. And nothing else. Once, another patient and I did a test that was us balancing on some beam but I still have no clue what that was about.

In therapy, I was very obviously dissociating, there was very obviously something wrong with my memory, I was very obbviously extremely reluctant to go home on the weekends and there were a thousand other signs there was something wrong besides depression.


And then there was the actual abusive stuff.
The therapist that saw no problem telling a 16 year old child that no one likes being around depressed people so they need to get it under control.
Same therapist telling a suicidal 16 year old to smile at themself in the mirror to cure depression.
Same therapist telling me that the other patients were right when they gave me a badge for being a "fun killer" because "I never do anything". Wonder why that could be?
Same therapist who when I told him another patient was sexually harrassing me told me he would talk to him but never even tried to talk to me about it like my feelings didn't matter. This was also after having told him about getting sexually abused on my 16th birthday.
Same therapist that didn't even try to talk to me about it when my roommate of three months attempted suicide.


Another therapist (not mine, one we did group work with) publically humiliated me for thinking I might have schizophrenia. Because I was a 16 year old child only exposed to what the media at the time was saying, which was the age old confusion of schizophrenia and DID.
He could have talked to me in private, explained to me that these are two very different conditions and explained why people develop DID which probably would have been helpful for me to develope the language to talk about my trauma, but that's not what I'm really upset about.

It's that he just randomly brought that up in group therapy in front of everyone. Treating me like I was completely stupid instead of a misinformed child. Not even giving me a chance to learn or be heard about the fact that I had things other than depression going on.

And the nurses.

There was one male nurse who did night shifts who was like 6"6 and built like a fridge who used his physical presence to intimidate the patients. Nothing like having experienced physical abuse before and laying in bed desperate to fall asleep because the very large man had been "joking" that he might attempt to hurt you if you don't.
The man also found it hilarious to make fun of another patient (14 years old) for needing a night light because being in the dark made her hallucinations worse.

One female nurse I just didn't get along with for what I now know to be entirely superficial reasons (hey, I was 16...) until she decided to corner me in an empty room at me to yell at me what I was even thinking being so rude to her and why I couldn't be nice to her like a normal person.
I still think I wasn't rude, I just didn't talk to her unless I had to and then I was still polite. I pretty much stopped talking to all the nurses after that unless I really, really needed something.

Another nurse who was being super friendly with me, playing games with me when I hadn't made any friends yet and always asking me about how I was doing... giving me that positive attention I craved due to the situation at home... only for her to turn around and make fun about how "socially awkward" and "weird" I was with the other nurses.
FYI, I'm autistic. And also socially very inexperienced due to how things were going for me.

The nurse that thought it was appropriate to tell me repeatedly that if I wasn't at least going to try not to be depressed, because that's how depression works, I would be one of those "nut cases" that spent the rest of their lives locked up in psych wards.

And that's just the stuff that comes to mind right now. I find myself starting to dissociate and having trouble making words as well as using English.

I'm sorry for the word vomit, I just need someone to see this.
#7
I think I'm not the only one currently struggling with the temptation. Looking at my social media timelines at least, it seems like everyone's coping mechanisms are either repeatedly dyeing/shaving their hair, Animal Crossing, baking... or drinking.


I won't lie, I've jumped on the Animal Crossing train too and those clippers look more and more tempting... ;)


No, but I'll stop making a joke out of this and just say it outright:


I'm really, really struggling not to drink and I've been sober for years at this point. I can't imagine how people that are at an earlier point of recovery must be feeling.
Especially with drinking being so normalized as a coping mechanisms, it's a struggle. How's everyone dealing with that particular problem? Got any advice, need someone to talk to, anything else you'd like to say on that topic?


Remember we're all in this together  :)
#8
So I just discovered this weird bug where when I mark and drag a portion of text in my post, it'll change the font size of text left behind what I copied down to a tiny font size.

I'm not sure I'm being clear here so, as an example if I write


Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat, sed diam voluptua.


and then mark and drag the "labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat" part, this happens:

Lorem labore et dolore magna aliquyam erat ipsum dolor sit amet, consetetur sadipscing elitr, sed diam nonumy eirmod tempor invidunt ut , sed diam voluptua.


Of course that's not a super bad bug or anything, just figured it might be good to know. For reference, I'm using Chrome version ]81.0.4044.129 for Windows 10. If you need any other info just let me know!



#9
Letters of Recovery / Letter to my mom
May 02, 2020, 06:11:35 PM

Note: Due to my mother having been dead for the last 19 years, this is in no danger of actually being sent.
I am okay with comments, if anyone has any. Please no justification for why she could have acted how she did.


I'm talking about unhealthy relationships, neglect and general life ruining here. None of it is graphic enough to warrant a trigger warning, I think, but if I should have added one please let me know and I'll add it in asap.


----------

Mom,


I started this so many times by now...


I'm angry. I'm unbelievably angry. I hope you get the payback for what you did and caused wherever you are. (*. It's *.)


It's not just what you did to me. It's not just the fact that I'm 32, time is running out and I'm terrified of having a child because I might become you. It's not just the fact that I can't go into health stores or craft stores without panic attacks. It's not just the fact that some days I feel so fundamentally broken.


It's what you did to dad. It's how you stripped him of his chances, blamed him for it, made sure he would stay unhappy for the rest of his life...
Imagine how life would've been if you hadn't manipulated him into having a child and waited until he would've been done with his degree. It would have been two/three years and we both know that's really not such a long time.


But I wish you could see him now and see what you've done and/or helped reinforced because he has CPTSD too and had it before you. He has like, two friends and even that might be stretching it. He has a job he doesn't like earning money that's just not enough. And he's too old to be doing that, especially with the drinking he did in the past.
And he could've been an engineer. But you didn't want that, right? Didn't want him to feel like he was better than you because he graduated and you didn't.


Now, on raising a child... I don't have one myself, as I said.
But I've seen people interact with kids. I regularly spent time with the kids in my wife's family.
I don't know what was wrong with you.


The needs of the parents are not and will not ever be more important than the needs of an underage, helpless, depending child. *, I have cats and even then I do a better job than you because I a) make sure they have food they can/will eat b) they get medical care when they need it c) I comfort them when they are in pain/upset d) I treat them age appropriate e) I love them unconditionally and if they do something I don't want them to I try to understand why and fix whatever the problem is.


I understand some of these things are harder with an actual human child that has its own ideas of what it wants and has to deal with outside influences but... the basics are the same.
Honestly I think I've done more caring things for my cats than you ever did for me and you've been in my life for 13 years and they've only been in my life for 10.


I'm disappointed.
Like, I'm autistic, I have CPTSD and a number of things else wrong with me and I know better than you.
I have once, once in my life tried to deal with a child doing something I didn't want me to the way you did with me and their reaction broke my heart.
And then I fixed it, apologized, made it up to them and never made that mistake again.


You could have had that. You could have had a child that loved you, wanted to spent time with you and would actually be sad with no mixed feelings after you died.


But the thing is, I'm here, you're not.
And in a year, I'll have a kid. And I'll be everything you never were. I'll be the parent this child deserves, the parent they can depend on, do fun stuff with and if they like someone else more than me, sure I'll be a bit hurt, but that's what happens when kids grow.
You can't keep a kid 7 no matter how much you try.


Mom, I'm starting to have a good life despite what you did.
And I can't thank you enough for all the things I know not to do now.


Also I still kinda miss you.
(Also I kinda hope you're not really in *. Maybe purgatory, even if we don't really believe in that)


See you in around 50 years or so.
#10
Recovery Journals / Panda's Journal
April 20, 2020, 03:34:12 PM
Hi OOTS,


so this is my recovery journal. I've never had one of those, so please bear with me as I try to figure this out.


I am by the way fine with having people leave comments, I'd really apppreciate it actually. Sometimes I might post that I don't want comments on something in particular but I'll make it clear and obvious if that's happening. I hope that is alright.


I'm not quite sure how to start this to be honest. I've been on this journey for a long time, I'm 32 now, starting getting emotionally abused at 2 and the first time I had professional mental health help was at 13 (with a... not very good therapist). I've been in inpatient treatment 4 times and went to three different therapists before and after my inpatient stays.


My last time in therapy was from September 2018 to March 2019 and that was the first time I had a therapist I felt like I could open up to about all the things that have happened to me. Sadly, despite saying she was specialized in trauma she... wasn't really and seemed uncomfortable so we never really delved that deeply into the C-PTSD but she helped me a lot in giving me tools to improve my feeling of self worth and with managing anxiety symptoms.
She wasn't a perfect fit by any means but helped me keep it together when I felt close to losing it and I feel like after my past experiences with therapists and psychiatrists that was very helpful and made me more open to trying inpatient treatment again.


I'm still a bit scared, but I think it's only natural. The last times I was inpatient, I was still in the adolescent wards plus none of the places were specialized in trauma plus I didn't have the words to talk openly about my experiences yet, yet alone was fully aware of how wrong a lot of it was. 


In the meantime, I've read and re-read "The body keeps the score", which helped me make sense of so much of my symptoms, the way I act and what I can do to improve while I'm waiting for both the Coronavirus situation to calm down and for myself to have worked myself to the point where I feel ready for an inpatient program.
I'm also working through the Complex PTSD workbook by Arielle Schwartz slowly. It's helped me make more sense of where I'm at currently and where I'd like to go. It's hard not to get overeager and want to do all the things at once, though.


Okay, I feel like that was a lot of text for a first post but I hope that's okay. I'll stop here for today and hope you all have a decent day :)


Edit: Already made a change of name, I used to be Shaun but this name feels closer to my heart
#11
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Let's try again!
April 19, 2020, 07:18:28 PM
Hello everyone,


I've registered here about three years ago and managed to post an intro but never really got into posting more, I guess I just wasn't at that point in my journey then.
I'd love to give it another try and see what's up with this fascinating place!
#12
Hi everyone,


I never really know what to write in intro posts and I feel especially lost here. I guess I'll try to keep it short. I'm Shaun and I'm 28 years old.
I have dealt with a lot of traumatic stuff in my past which I'll try to elaborate on later but anyway, that has lead me to the point where I think there's a very big chance that I have C-PTSD but I haven't been professionally diagnosed (when your mental health issues stand in the way of you seeking therapy...). I hope I am welcome here anyway.


I guess that's the most important things for now, if there was anything else I was supposed to write in here or you'd like to know please just tell me ^^
Also, I'm sorry for any awkward phrasing, I'm not a native English speaker and sometimes my brain doesn't cooperate that well.


Thank you for reading :)