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Hi all, 

Ever since I moved to a place all by myself it's difficult to get stuff done, because of my inability to motivate myself.

In the past, I've always wrapped myself around other people, helping THEM, and then use the extra time to do the minimal requirements of what I need (I just finished living with my mother for two years and helped her into assisted living.)

Now for the first time in 15 years I'm all by myself and every day it's a struggle.  But I also don't have a routine, and I imagine that's what I need to focus on. 

Basically my routine is wake up (whenever sometimes as late as 10:30 am), drink coffee, and play games on the computer (I'm retired).  IF there are bills to pay or emails to send I'll do them during this time (a tiny bit of productivity.)

Then I'll eat breakfast which makes me feel sleepy and I literally will go back to bed!!  Every day!

When I wake up again I feel guilty because I hardly got anything done, and then I don't want to do anything but watch TV.  I'll do some dishes or sweep but since I've moved I've still got lots of boxes to unpack and haven't even hung my pictures on the walls yet.

Sometimes I get a boost of positive energy and take a walk and that makes a whole world of difference.

The thing is I have so much to do, tons of projects, things to sell on Ebay, unpacking, organizing; AND I want to be a musician and take classes and it seems that this is the last thing I'll ever get to.

HELP!  Any help is appreciated.  Grateful to be here. thx...

Hi all, 

I am feeling very frustrated right now. I am dealing with credit issues with PayPal, and the anguish of going through the automatic phone system is truly painful!  I can't believe how many hoops I have to jump through just to get a live person on the phone; and....it's so hard not to take it all personally!! Does this happen to you too?

I've had to call them back over and over; once got hung up on and another put on terminal hold.  This is after mandatory listening to the auto attendant telling me stuff I don't care about over and over.  Not only is it plain frustrating, it's majorly triggering. 

My credit problem is due to something they did, not me, and I can't even talk to someone about it.

Now I'm dealing with being triggered; feeling they don't care, they don't want to take accountability, they just want me to just roll over and deal with the negative consequences on my own.  Triggers my usual theme of "It's Not Fair!!"

Just makes me want to throw in the towel.  - I hate how my CPTSD works so against me. 
 

Hi all, 

Thought to share that lately I've been way over the top with my emotions and triggers, and being extra hard on myself.  I figured it was due to exhaustion from moving my mother into assisted living (by myself as my immediate family who live close by did not help due to fear of uNPD sister's wrath.) 

I actually have been rather concerned how reactive my moods have been; is this the way it's going to be the rest of my life??  Feelings of hopelessness have been rampant. 

I've had mild physical symptoms of a UTI - for weeks - but just kind of assumed it would go away if I kept up on my water intake; but finally yesterday I got myself to the doctor and started antibiotics. 

OMG, I feel SO MUCH BETTER TODAY! 

Here's some more info on the topic: https://www.ehealthme.com/cs/urinary-tract-infection/mood-swings/

Another side effect of the UTI for me was low blood pressure, due to my inability to stay hydrated. This can totally can mess with your mood as well.

More info here on hypotension: https://www.healthline.com/health/hypotension#symptoms

So thought to share that if you are feeling EXTRA EXTRA anxious, you might have something physically going on with you; and it's not just the C-PTSD.  I'm not very good at taking care of myself, but it sure does help when one  can.

Be well y'all! 

Hi everyone 

As I wade through my dysfunctional family dynamics I realize that my trauma comes not only from my uNPD sister's actions, but my enmeshed and enabler mother's non-actions.  I have known this for awhile, but I am now realizing that it may be my mother's support of my sister that hurts me more than my sister's bad behavior.

These past two years I've been living with my 91 year old mother to help her out, and tomorrow she is moving into assisted living.  As you can imagine, I've done everything to prepare my mother for this move, and my uNPD sister has done nothing.

Backstory: My sister hasn't spoken to me in 9 years (until a week ago when we had to meet at the bank for my mother.) Why?  Because I called her out on her narcissistic behavior; I sent an angry email to my BIL after having a very triggered reaction to seeing her behave very immaturely, and my sister's flying monkeys (BIL and Mother) decided it was best to share it with her (sister).  Since then uNPD sister won't speak to me, and has made up stories about me that she now sticks to.  As my mother is very enmeshed with her, she supports my sister's bad behavior and does not feel she can ask to have her family together.

Yesterday my sister came here to help my mother pack.  She spent 2.5 hours helping and left.  She also spent 1/2 that time on her phone.  She made a point to not speak to me (FYI, I've sent numerous apology letters with no reply from her, and she refuses to meet with a therapist, even for our mother's sake.)

After my mother asked if it was hard for me to have her here.  I said YES it was hard!  Then she says "well, you know I have to walk that fine line between the two of you..." and that really threw me for a loop.

I wanted to say "No Mom, you are not walking a fine line, you are enabling a sick person by accepting their bad behavior." But of course I didn't.  My mother can never say anything bad about my sister.

This is what is so hard for me, it's easier for her to continue to keep me in the dog house.  OUCH. 

So my triggered mind continues to ruminate with the need to defend myself to my mother, over and over again.  It has gone on for decades.

I am so grateful to have found you all, any help is appreciated... 

HI all, 

It's been years since I've posted here.  I've done a lot of reading and writing and learning and growing.  But here I am again, with the same same same issue of having an emotional flashback from the same old situation; my mother choosing my (u)NPD sister's needs over mine.  And I just can't seem to get past it.  It wears me down and wears me out, even though I know it's really not about me; it's about my mother's relationship with my sister.

I now live with my 89-soon-to-be-90 mother, who fortunately can still do most things so I am not a full-time caregiver, but I am pretty much fully responsible for everything (taking her to doctor appts, reminding her on how to take care of herself, helping with projects like downsizing, etc.)  Yes, I have a sister (who I am sure has narcissistic personality disorder) and lives minutes away, but she won't speak to me due to a situation that happened over 7 years ago, (I had an impulsive over-reaction and sent an email, not to her, but to her husband - who is now her ex - after witnessing my sister's narcissistic behavior, which he shared with both my mother and sister; ultimately removing me from the family picture.)  So my sister won't come over when I'm here, and deprives my mother of having the union of her family supporting her. 

FYI: Years ago I sent apology letters to my sister, which were rejected, and recently sent a humble note in a Christmas card asking if we could see a therapist together, for our mother's sake, which she rejected in a recent email (which included baited questions of blame which I have not responded back to.)

My mother has always been enmeshed with my (u)NPD sister.  My mother had a narcissistic mother, and she was "trained" to put her mother's needs first above all. This was done with manipulation and intimidation, and due to fear of rejection my mother learned it was pointless and painful to try and stand up for herself.  This has caused her own emotional trauma and as my sister behaves in the same way, my mother forever give into her wants/desires, again in fear of rejection and abandonment. 

As a child, I couldn't understand why she would forever say no to me, and yes to my sister.  It was traumatic.  Now I know, to put it very simply, if my sister doesn't get her way she will withdraw her love.  This is what my mother is most afraid of.

So, needless to say, it's been quite difficult for me to be here, doing all that I do for my mother, while my sister continues to blame me for our family split and won't come over when I am here.  I've had a real tough time over the years to get my mother to see my side of all of this, and she now does.  But, she still can't ask my sister to "get over it" for the sake of the family, or for herself.

OK, back to my emotional flashback, a week ago I had a very good talk with my mother, stating that it could be very unhealthy for me to be here, if we can't all be a family.  I asked if she could reach out again to my sister, and state that she needs us to be able to communicate; for her sake.  When we talked, she literally puts her hands to her belly and pulls herself in, like a child.  I know how difficult this is for her!  I just want her to see that she does play a part here, that it's not just about my relationship with my sister.  She agreed, acknowledging my sister's behavior is unhealthy, and said she would do it. 

A few days later I heard her talking to her therapist about it all, I didn't listen to any of it (not wanting to be traumatized.)  Later I saw she just wrote down the word "sisters", and she hasn't spoken to me about it since.  This what got me, it's like our conversation never happened, I felt completely crazy, knowing that she was back to square one, and I was back to square one.  Any hopes that she might "do the right thing", for me, were dashed on the rocks, and I felt completely hopeless (I then just spend hours in bed.)

Recent feedback from people state that I need to give up on the idea that anything will ever change.  I suppose I just need to consider myself a single daughter, and continue to work on my emotional healing.  Sigh, any advise is appreciated.  Thx...

Hello all 

I could use some help, it's "that time of year" and I'm trying to come to terms with my mother's inability to remove herself from her own FOG regarding my my younger sister, her daughter; the GC (malignant narcissist.) 

I'm grateful to have found this forum as I know I'm not alone.  I can break free for a moment from the stockholm syndrome that surrounds our family,  all our lives, due to our inability to grasp the magnitude of the family dynamic from my sister's mental illness (as we do not discuss it.)  And my Mom's and my subsequent C-PTSD.

Today I am especially triggered as my Mom reminded me (in email) today that she's having everyone over for Christmas Eve (this will be the 6th year she hasn't invited me due to my sister's desire to not have me around; and my Mother abides.)  I did originally ask her what her plans were (I had her over for Thanksgiving) and so I should have been ready for it.

At any rate, I just wanted to share that since I read that email earlier today I've been super stressed and reactive and once I realized I was triggered and am experiencing an emotional flashback it really helped my mind understand that it is a reaction and I have control over it.  Otherwise, I really wanted to send another email lashing out at her with disappointment that she can't invite me to her own house.  But, that doesn't help anyone, just makes things worse.

Thanks for being here. 

HI all,

Thought to share, I am gaining more understanding about my upbringing and how/why my c-ptsd is so prevalent, even though I did not experience physical or sexual abuse.

I was raised within a Narcissistic Family Dynamic, where the needs of the family unit was more important than the needs of the individuals.  Without going into too much detail, my father was a workaholic and my mother was very codependent (she needed a lot of emotional support.)  Both my parents worked hard to provide a loving and supportive environment; but due to the fact they both came from broken homes, they went overboard and basically spoiled and sheltered both my sister and I.  We lived beyond our means.  They unwittingly created a fantasy dreamworld that they continually tried to keep going, but reality would break through causing difficulty.  Like my sister and I growing up.

I now understand the things I struggled with as a child, which created my c-ptsd, were not properly addressed, due to this dynamic.  Two major issues;

1) I was bullied in a private school for 1.5 years (7th grade and 1/2 of 8th) until my parents finally pulled me out and put me in public school (originally my Mom was concerned that public school was not adequate.)  I now understand, it wasn't just the bullying/mobbing that was traumatic, it was the fact that my parents would discount my agony when I came hope to tell them about it.  They were not able to validate my emotions as they did not want to believe the school situation was that bad to remove me.  Finally they did, but I really have to wonder how bad I had to get for them to believe me?

2) My younger sister (2.5 years) is a malignant covert narcissist, just like our grandmother (my mother's mother.)  She always has to have her way, and I, with my sensitive/supportive and codependent nature, would always give in.  My mother would do the same thing (as she learned to do with her own mother.)  As my mother was my role model, I didn't learn how to stand up for myself.  This pattern stunted my ability to grow into a healthy independent person.  It also created a lot of internal anguish and resentment.

As my Mom was raised by a mean selfish mother and abandoned by her father, she did not have a high regard for herself.  So the strength and success of the family unit was very important to her.  It provided her what she never had before, a loving family that needed her where she could feel she belonged.

My Dad was gone a lot so he didn't get too involved in the female dynamics of his wife and two daughters.  This left a lot of time for my Mom to get too involved in both my sister and my ever day life; due to her codependent needs.  I never really felt like a separate person.  Sad.

Fast forward to today, I am 62 years old (and single.)  My sister is 59.  My Mom is 87, and my Dad passed over 12 years ago.  I have one son in his 30s, and my sister has two in their 20s.  No grandkids.  Sadly, we haven't been together, as a family, for over 5 years, due to a blow up, which I am still blamed for.  My sister won't speak to me, nor let her grown children contact me; and my Mom can't stand up for herself and insist that we be a family.  I am being scapegoated, yet again.

The blow up was due to my venting about my sister to my BIL in an email, during the time they were separated, which he shared with my Mom and they shared it with my sister.  Basically I was saying he needed to divorce her (she had been out of the house for 2 years at this time with BIL paying for all her expenses) and not drag his family through a long separation.  He didn't take my advice (rather took great offense) and this year, 5 years later, my sister filed for divorce (once she had a new boyfriend who could support her.)

Since my Mom requires a lot of emotional support (she also has c-ptsd from her childhood,) when my Dad died, she transferred the "Head of the Family" label to my BIL.  Now that he's (almost) out of the picture, she is already praising my sister's new boyfriend.  She is devastated that we can't all be together, but she is incapable of seeing the family unit in any other way than with a man at the helm. She does not see herself as the Matriarch.  As the older daughter, I am given no acknowledgement by her as part of the family, except that I exist and am her daughter.

My Mom has erased all memory of my sister being self-absorbed as a child, teenager and young adult (my sister lived at home until she moved in with her soon to be husband.)  She does not see my sister's narcissistic actions as unusual primarily because she doesn't want to and is so used to this behavior from both her mother and daughter.  Over the past few years I've tried to work with her to see "my side", but it is IMPOSSIBLE.  A few times we met with my therapist, but any awareness she would get at the time of our session was erased with days.

Why am I writing this?  I guess to get a better understanding of the current "family" situation today so I can accept it and not let it aggravate my c-ptsd.  I have recently been posting to the OOTF website regarding current family dynamics, but here thought to post regarding the c-ptsd.  I am sick of having it run my life.  I have yet to master it, especially since the Narcissistic Family Dynamic continues.

Thanks for listening, and if anyone has any thoughts, let me know, thank you!

Hello all 

It's been a long time since I've posted.  I have done a lot of work to understand my CPTSD since I discovered it a few years back (thanks to OOTF and OOTS.)  I've made a lot of progress, and of course some days are better than others.

But, as I continue to be banned from my FOO (going on 5 years,) I still struggle.  I know I am not responsible and am being scapegoated, and even though I know this has been the pattern ALL MY LIFE; I keep thinking the situation could change, but there is no sign.

Currently I've been in a CPTSD emotional flashback for almost 2 weeks, due to receiving an email from a cousin that I THOUGHT understood "my side" of the story.  But, after talking to my Mother, out of the blue he sends me a damming email shaming me, and it sent me reeling.  I can't seem to shake it.  I have all the books CPTSD help books,  I know what's going on, and yet I still feel miserable, 

Also, Just a few weeks ago my nephew (sister's son) graduated from college.  The family all went to the graduation and my son hosted a special dinner at his restaurant for the event.  But, of course I was not invited.  My son says that both my sister's sons love and miss me but they do not contact me due to my sister's wishes.  This was traumatic, to be sure, to not be able to meet my son's new girlfriend that he introduced to the family, and not be able to celebrate with them.  But what gets me the most is the ongoing gaslighting and lies that continue behind my back.

My Mother has always enabled my (u)NPD sister, and I'm very sure my sister's disorder is due to my Mother's need to be emotionally tied to her.  What ever my sister says, my mother believes.  5 years ago I hit my limit and sent an angry email that got circulated within my family.  I've had no way to defend myself and no one doubts the motive that my sister and Mom have determined (that I have always been jealous of her.)  Come to find out my CPTSD was triggered by my witnessing my sister's selfish behavior and I lashed out.  When it happened I apologized in multiple letters to her, and to my family. But as my sister refuses to talk to me, my Mother supports her not allowing me to be at family events.

I have met with my Mother and therapist three times to help my Mother to see "my side" and she does when she leaves but forgets very quickly after.  She has her own CPTSD due to her being raised by a narcissistic mother and honestly she cannot see the abuse she receives from my sister, again probably due to her need to be emotionally tied.  If I ever try to point it out, she chalks it up to my  jealousy.  She told my cousin that I always felt that my Dad loved my sister more than me and that's why I'm jealous.  I have never felt this way, and never said this.  ARRRGGHHH 

I honestly just don't know how to protect myself anymore.  I am doing LC with my Mom, even though I love her very much; but her inability to support me is extremely difficult to be around.

I can't get my work done, I'm sleeping all the time, and pretty much completely shut down.  I see no hope.  HELP. 

Hello all 

It's been a long time since I've posted.  I have done a lot of work to understand my CPTSD since I discovered it a few years back (thanks to OOTF and OOTS.)  I've made a lot of progress, and of course some days are better than others.

But, as I continue to be banned from my FOO (going on 5 years,) I still struggle.  I know I am not responsible and am being scapegoated, and even though I know this has been the pattern ALL MY LIFE; I keep thinking the situation could change, but there is no sign. 

Currently I've been in a CPTSD emotional flashback for almost 2 weeks, due to receiving an email from a cousin that I THOUGHT understood "my side" of the story.  But, after talking to my Mother, out of the blue he sends me a damming email shaming me, and it sent me reeling.  I can't seem to shake it.  I have all the books CPTSD help books,  I know what's going on, and yet I still feel miserable, 

Also, Just a few weeks ago my nephew (sister's son) graduated from college.  The family all went to the graduation and my son hosted a special dinner at his restaurant for the event.  But, of course I was not invited.  My son says that both my sister's sons love and miss me but they do not contact me due to my sister's wishes.  This was traumatic, to be sure, to not be able to meet my son's new girlfriend that he introduced to the family, and not be able to celebrate with them.  But what gets me the most is the ongoing gaslighting and lies that continue behind my back.

My Mother has always enabled my (u)NPD sister, and I'm very sure my sister's disorder is due to my Mother's need to be emotionally tied to her.  What ever my sister says, my mother believes.  5 years ago I hit my limit and sent an angry email that got circulated within my family.  I've had no way to defend myself and no one doubts the motive that my sister and Mom have determined (that I have always been jealous of her.)  Come to find out my CPTSD was triggered by my witnessing my sister's selfish behavior and I lashed out.  When it happened I apologized in multiple letters to her, and to my family. But as my sister refuses to talk to me, my Mother supports her not allowing me to be at family events.

I have met with my Mother and therapist three times to help my Mother to see "my side" and she does when she leaves but forgets very quickly after.  She has her own CPTSD due to her being raised by a narcissistic mother and honestly she cannot see the abuse she receives from my sister, again probably due to her need to be emotionally tied.  If I ever try to point it out, she chalks it up to my  jealousy.  She told my cousin that I always felt that my Dad loved my sister more than me and that's why I'm jealous.  I have never felt this way, and never said this.  ARRRGGHHH 

I honestly just don't know how to protect myself anymore.  I am doing LC with my Mom, even though I love her very much; but her inability to support me is extremely difficult to be around. 

I can't get my work done, I'm sleeping all the time, and pretty much completely shut down.  I see no hope.  HELP. 

HI all , thought to share.  I so appreciate being part of this community.  I honestly don't think anyone else would "get this".

I just figured out that I have one major emotional flashback that I go to again and again.  It's when I was a child and ran to my mother crying my eyes out asking her "Why does my sister always have to be right?  Why can't she ever give in?  Why does she always have to win?"

I remember that moment so clearly.  I remember we were in the garage, and my mother couldn't give me a straight answer.  It was convoluted and confusing, basically saying that's the way she is and we just have to deal with it.  I tried to stand up for myself, having her see my side of the story, but she just brushed me off, like always, "your the older sister, you have to be more mature."  I was still a little girl.

I now understand, due to my mother's own C-PTSD from her narcissistic mother in her childhood, this is her only way of dealing with the emotional abuse my sister puts out.  Ignore it, condense it, in fact, just go into straight denial saying it's not that big a deal.

Well, that did not help me at all.  In fact, come to find out, it was the starting point of my C-PTSD, or at least one of the major triggers.

When I'm triggered, I go back to that conversation in my head.  I'm defending myself over and over again to my mother, trying to get her to see the wrong, but she can't and won't.  It's hopeless.  This can go on for days in my head.

This pattern of my defending myself and my mother's refusal to see reality goes on to this day.  My sister still won't talk to me or allow our family to be all together.  Mom says she's done everything she can, but I know she just can't say "I want this."

in·sid·i·ous /inˈsidēəs/ adjective
Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects.

As her behavior continues, I honestly don't know how to protect myself.  Some say to remove myself completely, but as my sister is incapable of being aware of my 86 year old mother's needs, I am still doing all the responsible stuff.  I have to stick around.

Any support is appreciated.   

Hi all 

CPTSD is sooooooo confusing and convoluted.   

I thought to share because last night, after two days of feeling funky, I realized I had an experience that triggered my inner critic causing me to feel REALLY BAD about myself.  Once I get into that "FEELING BAD ABOUT MYSELF" mode, I evidently have major issues shaking it.  It seeps into everything I do from that point forward.  I just go on auto-pilot, doing minimal work, not caring much about anything.

What I just hate is..
a) I don't know when I'm IN this mode, and
b) I don't know how to get OUT of this mode, when I'm in it!

UNTIL I finally recognize what's going on by backtracking my steps to see what started the whole thing.  I need to say "HEY, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I don't want to feel this way anymore, what happened?"  Sometimes it takes days to get to this point, hopefully I will learn how to do this sooner!!

This time I realized it was my inner critic that was bombarding me with anguish because I missed a work meeting.  I felt like I let everyone down.  OMG, the sky is going to fall!!  Geez!  Life will go on! 

So, I'm still working on acknowledging when I'm triggered.  And why I'm triggered.  Then I have to work on what triggered me.  This time I realize I need to learn to tame my inner critic, and give myself a break. 

Thanks all for your support and help as I slowly move through the healing process.   

Hi all 

I'm not sure if this happens only when I'm in an emotional flashback (which I believe I am experiencing right now as my boyfriend's bullying brother trigger me 2 days ago) but I find my brain literally hurts when I'm experiencing something good.  I have to fight the bad feelings that keep over-riding the good feelings.

As an example, I just moved out of my BPD boyfriend's 91 year old mother's house (he is her primary caretaker) as the living situation is unhealthy. I found a room in a great house, with an amazing view.  I sit in my new room looking out the window and it hurts me.  They also have a hot tub.  What a dream!  I sit in the hot tub at night, looking out over the city lights and I fight the pain, like I'm not supposed to feel good!

It's like my brain can't flip back, adjust to the new good experiences and instead wants to stay in the pain, like it doesn't know how to navigate out of it.  The good is painful.  Then I just want to go back in my room, shut the curtains and sleep (dissociate.)

I look forward to when I can enjoy my new place.  Does anyone else experience this and do you have any recommendations on how to let the good in?

Thanks 

HI all, 

Now I know, when I'm acting super anxious, defensive, confused, frustrated, and feel the need to point out all the wrongs in the world; I am having an Emotional Flashback.  I am so grateful to know that this is a phase and it will pass.  I have literally lived in EFs for months if not years, and it's only been recent that I've been able to recognize when I'm NOT living in an EF.

I can get triggered at work a LOT, and THEN I can get into trouble.  Which I just did.  I work in IT and when I see a process that isn't working, I want to address it.  I have a way of putting people on the spot when I don't mean to.  I'm just trying to fix something that's not right.  But, my tone can be too direct and I offend people.  They don't know what to do with me!  My supervisor thinks what I'm doing is just fine as he's happy to have a worker that cares enough to address the issues (vs ignoring them) so my job isn't on the line, but my co-workers are distant with me.

I KNOW it's the way I handle myself as I'm already feeling defensive and frustrated and this comes out in my communication.  If I wasn't in an EF, I wouldn't be so demanding or authoritative; as this is not my general nature.  So then when I get a backlash of annoyance from my coworkers I feel guilty and get down on myself.  So now I'm stuck between feeling justified for pointing something out and bad for doing it.

I imagine the best thing to do is just regroup when I'm feeling this way, lay low, keep quiet and do something mundane.  I'm still trying to figure out HOW TO MAKE IT STOP...sigh, thanks for listening...

P.S. Also sharing that I know I'm in an EF because as soon as I leave work I want to go home and go to bed...

Hi all  - I've noticed when I'm depressed I'll get these dark circles under my eyes (and they are different from when I'm just tired.)  When I first wake up and look at myself in the mirror, I can better tell how I am feeling then how I'm feeling. 

When I feel better they go away.  - it's been awhile- 

Wondered if others experience this?

Hi all  - as I recall my actions and reactions over the years; I realized that I've been living in a triggered state due to CPTSD for most of the time.  So sad!!! I now get it!  I now understand when I'm in "that mood" that causes me to over-react, as I feel used and abused; and who knows what triggered me.  I have been so used to living with this angst, this terrible underlining anguish that I've forever had to push through.

No wonder I felt the need to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.  My Mom would say "can't you just be happy without getting high?"  And I would honestly say, no.  NO, why??  She figured it was due to my "addictive personality" (that's what everyone has said.) And now I get it, no, it's not that I can't stop my addictive personality, it's because I'm STRUGGLING with degrading internal thinking processes, as my amygdala forever gets hijacked over and over again.

Again, it was HERE that I figured this out.  I feel so relieved.  I'm just starting to understand, the light is just starting to come through.  I still have a long way to go.  But, I have felt more happy lately than I can remember, as my brain moves in a positive direction.  As I allow myself, to heal.

Thank you everyone 

HI all,  there is no other place or group of people that I can share this information with who will totally understand.  I am grateful to have found you.  With your guidance I have discovered and confirmed my C-PTSD.

If I was not convinced before, I am now.  Yesterday I had a complete emotional flashback which caused me to dissociate all day.  I can see exactly when it started and stopped.  I have gone through these for so many years and had no idea.  I  would chalk it up to depression, exhaustion or the flu.

Long story short, I was in a relationship for 5 years with a man that cheated on me the whole time. I was very close to his family (large family, 5 siblings, spouses, children and grandchildren) and one of his sisters was my best friend.  They were like my family, although everyone knew he was cheating on me.  It was tough on the family to be around me, I always wondered why they were distant sometimes.  What's wrong with me? When he finally confessed and said he loved me and would never do it again I believe him.  But then he did, and now is married to her.

As I was still close to his sister and family, as time went on, I would become totally traumatized when information would come out about each one of his affairs.  In her own sick way, his sister appeared to enjoy finally being able to confess this information to me.  Needless to say, we eventually parted and I haven't seen anyone in about 5 years.

I'm still in touch with him as a friend.  Last week in a passing conversation he said they all would be together camping this weekend and I should come up for the day.  He said everyone loves and misses me and would love to see me.  I especially love his Father, who is now 85, so I thought this would be a good time to see him and everyone for a day.  I confirmed on Thursday early evening that I would come up on Saturday.

But, Friday (yesterday) I couldn't get out of bed.  I was completely spent.  I thought I was tired from my long work week (I get every other Friday off and yesterday I was off.)  All day long I struggled with all these uncomfortable feelings, and couldn't get myself to do ANYTHING.  I closed the curtains in my bedroom and watched HBO sitcoms on my laptop all day, just feeling awful. 

After my third nap I woke up and determined I really couldn't spend all day Saturday away from the house as I had a project I was planning to do.  I then grappled with my desires to "go have fun" or "be responsible" (which is a common scenario.)  I started to get down on myself for not allowing myself to put fun before a project (cleaning up the garage.)  But, I decided it was the best thing to do, so I texted my old boyfriend and told him I wouldn't be coming after all.

Once I sent that text, I IMMEDIATELY felt better.  it wasn't until a few hours later that I realized I was in an emotional flashback that started when I said yes, and stopped when I said no.  I realized that as much as I love these people, being around them would bring back floods of anguish (which had already started.)  I cried as I realized I really can longer be around them.  I mourned the loss of yet another family.

Today I feel a lot better although I'm still working through uncomfortable feelings of guilt (I said i would go but now I'm not,) sadness, and some anger.  So, I'm going to get into my garage project and know I will feel a lot better! 

Thanks for being here.  HUGS

Hi all  - thought to share something that helps me to relax when I'm feeling stressed or triggered at work.

I recently brought a wooden bowl to work that holds some small pretty rocks that I picked up at the beach.  When I feel stressed I put my fingers in the bowl and mix the rocks around which seems to really ground me.  I love the feeling of the smooth rocks and the sound of them falling through my fingers.

The really strange part is up until recently, I couldn't do this.  I couldn't allow myself to put my hand in the bowl, as I knew it would help me to feel better.  I avoided it!  I have gone for years avoiding things that provide me comfort and peace.  I remember someone gave me a beautiful book called "I See Peace" and I couldn't even pick it up to read it, it was a coloring book!  I don't know why this happens.

But, I do know, when I allow myself to do this, to take care of myself, to not stress or be in anguish; I feel better.  It's tough letting go of the constant hurt as I've been living with it for so long, but I'm trying to rewire my brain by doing the little things to help me feel better.

HUGS to all!

Hello all  - I have been reading Pete Walker's latest book as well as a new one I just received called the Complex PTSD workbook by Arielle Schwartz.  I finally figured out I have c-ptsd (thank you ootf and oots) as the symptoms are so familiar to me, but I'm still confused about what I'm actually FEELING when I get triggered.  Am I having an emotional flashback or just experiencing disassociation from trauma?  I'm sure as I read more it will become clearer, but I also find that it's tough to pick up the books!

Right now I am feeling a very familiar feeling, and this is something that happens a lot.  I'm at work and this morning I had an interaction with a fellow employee who did something to make me feel devalued.  Once this feeling grabs hold of me, I can't let it go!  In fact, all I want to do is leave work, and I struggle trying to just do my job.  I have to force myself to concentrate, as my brain keeps, I guess, disassociating?  I know this feeling too well, it's awful.  I want to be my usual helpful, supportive and responsible self, and yet it's like I almost don't care about anything....very STRANGE and CONFUSING  - all I can do is work through to 5 pm and hope I don't get caught as I'm basically non-functional. 

OH, and another thing I do is over-react to anything that anyone says that sounds like they are discounting me.  I will feel the need to find all the information I can to justify myself.  I will do this until the mood passes.

Any help is appreciated...thx 

Hello!  I've been posting and gaining a great deal of knowledge from the OOTF website.  I am so grateful to have found the OOTS website and this is my first post.  I am slowly beginning to understand that it's very possible the depression and anxiety I've experienced all my life may indeed be C-PSTD.

I was raised in what I thought was a loving family, and yet I have symptoms that lead me to think/feel I experienced ongoing emotional abuse all my life.  It is my sincere believe that my younger sister is NPD, as she has ALL the traits.  As an example, I have been experiencing "imposed isolation" for the past 2.5+ years from my immediate family due to a "ranty" email I sent being exposed.  I sent it to her estranged husband - they are still married with two adult children and do all the family things together, but she has her own little place on the beach - and he then shared it with my Mom.  They both agreed it should be shared with my sister, and the rest of the family.  I was addressing her childish behavior and I said some pretty painful stuff like should we treat her like she has special needs?  I was serious as I was worried about her!

After multiple apologies to her and the rest of the family she hasn't even tried to contact me.  She doesn't want me around, and the rest of the family goes along with it; even my grown son can't seem to bring himself to challenge the system.

I realize now, my Mom can't say no to my sister.  All my life my Mother would take her side, no matter what we were arguing about.  Why?  Well when my sister was young she had learning disabilities and struggled in school.  At one point she was so depressed she told my Mom she wanted to kill herself.  My Mom being the sensitive person she is, evidently took this very close to heart.

I can't tell you how many times I would cry myself to sleep at night saying "It's not fair, it's not fair" when my sister would act irrational and my Mom would once again support her and not me.  This actually turned into "I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy" as I consoled myself with this knowledge.

Flash forward to any experience that triggers this feeling of helplessness, and I become completely powerless.  So many times after I experience a confrontation with someone I feel so helpless I have to go to bed and sleep it off.  Or if I think there will be a confrontation I go to bed.  So much of the time I have to fight off this feeling of inadequacy and anguish, and now that I'm beginning to understand about "emotional flashbacks" I'm recognizing that this anxiety is very familiar and it's the same feeling I've carried with me all my life.

I used to drink alcohol heavily for over 35 years, started when I was 18.  This helped me to mask my anguish, but little did I know I drank heavily because of my anguish!  This made it easy for my family to use me as the scapegoat, but I've been sober for almost 6 years now, and I can't seem to shake this position. 

I think the more I learn about how to deal with Emotional Flashbacks, and the more I understand all the pieces of C-PSTD I may be able to work through the awful feelings of inadequacy that plague me.  I'm a fully functional adult, raised a son on my own, have a good job/career and have been working full-time since I was 18.  I am very capable and have no real reason to feel so awful about myself.  I hate it, I just hate it.

Would appreciate any feedback, I am planning to pick up Peter Walker's books.  Thank you for your time!