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Topics - bogan

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Does it ever get better
« on: May 13, 2018, 03:22:27 AM »
Its Mothers day, Ive been avoiding more than usual if thats possible, 4brothers 1 sister all married with kids, N/C 2xWs, 4 kids L/C and still I live alone with the dog. I have always been allowed to attend but have never been part of anything (its like Ive been the mascot). I cant stand hearing about how some people got a real mother, when I got a dud.     I moved 1500km from them partly because of the constant threats, just wanted to feel safeish,   Ive been here for 18months and still have NO Friends.  Just wondering if people ever recover from Cptsd or is this my life?     The unfairness is messing with my head today, 9 years N/C with NM, ND and Sibs, surely at least one should have called, kids only call for money, or help, but never to talk,  xW wants me back,  to take care of her,  She thinks its weird that I live with the dog, but all he wants a bit of food and loves to hang out with me, for no reason, except that he likes me. Sorry just having a huge flat day.    Does Anyone else want to pay back the abuse they received ?? I know it wont fix anything but would end the threats (threats are always sent threw other people in code, Eg "tell him we are still thinking about him and will be coming to see him soon") sorry for waffling

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Way to many bad daze
« on: March 30, 2018, 10:25:30 AM »
I spent 3 weeks with xW, she treated me badly as per usual, I have been home now for 4 weeks, and have done nothing except eat. Feeling disgusting, fat and useless, and want to take her back "better to be treated bad than not be treated at all" just cant seem to break free. Ive been in my new area for 18 months and met no one. I have gone 3 months at a time without any human contact, except grocery deliveries. I just want some company, would love someone to go to the beach with, garage sales, antique shops, play chess and talk crap, not sure if that person exists. Xw will do none of the above , she wants meals cooked, and basically a servant. Sorry just been down and lonely for a while and eating seems to be my only comfort.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / thought I was doing ok
« on: December 10, 2017, 07:35:45 AM »
I moved in january and have been coping better in my new place, the only contact I have is my T every few weeks and been going to church, which is a struggle, being around people, but it was becoming a bit easier. few weeks ago the back row was full so had to sit one row forward then a woman sat behind me (huge trigger). Now Im back not sleeping, eating way to much and the anxiety is out of control. Christmas is coming so I have to isolate myself to cope, not hard as its just me and the dog. been NC with family for 9 years and the only person that calls is exW the controller. Im not a touchy feely person but would like some human contact sometimes, Christmas is hard as everyone seems happy with family and I have never fitted anywhere. I have the words of the court counsellor running threw my head "people like you should not be allowed near normal people" I try not to be around people so I dont bring them down. sorry for the downer just not sure how to get threw this time of year. it takes so little to set me back so far.

 Today I have realised i have a problem,   I have had the Diagnosis of Cptsd but always thought I was doin ok.       Today I read an article in the paper about my MC brother, and he was saying what an amazing and inspirational man my NC F is and how gentle and generous he is/was, yet my brother was the one who confirmed the abuse and now claims he doesnt want to be involved.  Today it finally dawned on me how truly alone I am, 5 NC brothers 1ncS NC parents, MC 4kids 2 exW's and I live with a dog just moved 1000 miles from anyone I know partly because of the constant threats from family. Everyone that knows them think I am the issue and that they are lovely. but i continue to suffer, cant keep a relationship, cant make friends, and cant seem to get past it. I just wish I could be normal for a while instead of this constant struggle

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / not sure when it gets better
« on: April 03, 2017, 07:22:06 AM »
Trigger warnings/  I come from physical abuse from M&F, no one knows why 1 in 5 gets abuse and the others don't, I have married 2 abusers, no one cares because Im male. I am NC for 9 years with parents and siblings (except threats sent through friends). Ended 2nd bad marriage 2 years ago, just moved 1200km for a fresh start. No family, no friends, no job and constant chronic pain(from the abuse). After 3 months still have met no one and still struggling with leaving the house,
I think I waited to long and wonder what anyone could see in me , I have had offers from women but all have been hard aggressive women like the ones I have always had.
 Is there such a thing as a woman that just wants to hang out, walk the dog, go to sales and not want to control and abuse me, 

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