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I was curious if anyone feels the same as me, I have never felt special ever in my life, as in wow you may have some talent in something young man or young, when you start taking care of your parents and siblings before the age of 10 I guess you don't ever get to feel young.  I have been accused of being "too serious" my entire life, always criticized and never celebrated.  When I see pictures of me as a youngster they make me physically ill.  The counselor I'm working with showed me a picture of himself as a youngster and it nearly made me sick, I don't feel I was ever a baby or a child, I just showed up as a 9 year old as caregiver and saviour of the family (that failed of course) pictures of myself as a youngster make me physically ill, I'm now closer to the end of my life than the beginning and wondered if anyone else ever feels this way.

my type of major self harm is cutting, I am happy to say I haven't cut in nearly two months! that is a long time for me.

My more minor type of self harm is drinking and hair pulling.  I have a big head of nappy hair so it takes a lot of pulling for anyone to notice. I don't care it just makes me feel better sometimes.  The overeating and self medicating thru drinking is really an issue now.  I have gained a few pounds (OK more than a few) but am still within the normal BMI so is it an issue, who the * knows.

How to handle the cptsd without a community to help me and support me is beyond my abilities, so I guess I'll remain fat and bald for a while anyway.

so I just made up a phrase here but thought I'd throw it out there for you lovelies anyway.  has anyone else noticed the prevalence these days of parents standing about a stones throw from their young child and talking to other parents about how their child is A) ADD B)ADHD C)ASD or D) insert diagnosis here.  I don't understand it.  I was walking my nephew to the grammar school yesterday and came upon a gathering of mums with their kids around just randomly diagnosing their kids. I wonder what the kids are thinking surely they can hear all this.

it's interesting to me to read about folk here who are self diagnosing.  I had never heard of this disorder before and received it from a T who apparently is up on the topic.  I have been very bad with taking care of self, have put self in danger due to inability to process past trauma. Help less is how I felt before; this name makes sense now. I thank all who have responded to any of my rambling posts. I am alone now, no family, no friends and feeling fragile. my partner left me yesterday, I don't blame him, a middle aged queer is no picnic.

Has anyone in therapy been told they have a co-occuring psych disorder and if so, would you be comfortable sharing what that was.  The T I've been seeing has been suggesting I have another disorder as well and I've been feeling re-traumatized and ashamed completely.

I have been indulging in self harm this whole week , feeling really bad.  I think if we can't talk about it it gets worse, I'm trying to hang on but not doing well this week.

my mam offered me up as the sexual object for my dad from the age of 9 because she had an outside relationship.  No one believes me, I was brainwashed to think it was the only way to protect her.  I felt she "deserved" the outside relationship because my da was so abusive towards her.  I never realized I deserved to be innocent and protected.  I don't remember ever being innocent.  I went into the relationship willingly (sort of) because I felt I HAD to or she would die (not an unrealistic fear in our household).  I was so stupid, even now I feel so stupid.

One of my issues is always feeling responsible (in the extreme) for any bad behavior of other people, even strangers.  I have a very hard time looking at others and ever judging them as anything negative i.e. cruel, angry, jealous, crazy, mean.  If someone says something hurtful or mean or out of the blue to me I feel as if I must emit something that makes them speak to me in such a manner.  I don't have good perspective to keep these type of people on the outside.  I think it's because I was tortured physically and emotionally for attempting to fight against my abusers for so long that I don't separate well. Does anyone else struggle with this.  I can literally see an obviously crazy person on a train for example and if he or she says something mean to me I will automatically wonder what I did wrong.  Then I go home and have to self harm.  It's endless cycling, I'm trying to stop.  Having trouble knowing what is outside the self and what is the self.

I don't have much contact with FOO but they are coming up for an important (to them) family event in a few weeks.  I'm already starting to dissociate as I know it will be awful.  I have not been strong enough to completely sever the frail ties that bind us together. In reality I'm somewhat scared of losing them, that last link to my heritage but so conflicted cause I know I will have to hide in my assigned emotion free box while they ride roughshod over me. I feel I'm going to lose my sobriety again, I've started slipping at just the thought of their faces and their judgments of me. Boy I sound like a whiner, sorry.

Has anyone had emdr as a treatment, my therapist suggested it but I don't know anything about it or what to expect

I have so many symptoms, it's pretty ridiculous.  I suffer from chronic pain, night terrors and anxiety.  I was sexually assaulted at the age of nine by my F and it never stopped.  He continued to abuse me until I left home at 18.  Both M and F beat me continually, burned me and verbally humiliated me.  At my school I was also sexually assaulted by both students and teachers.  I am a walking wreck.  Biggest problem is chronic pain in all my joints and muscle memory.  I have tried tons of meds but the government forces docs to behave as if a person in pain is a criminal.  I am not a criminal, I am a survivor.  I am well aware that my chronic pain is somewhat related to all my multiple beatings, cuttings, burnings and assaults and I no longer have injuries.  My body or maybe its my brain doesn't respond to that.  I'd like to feel better. Does anyone else hurt in the physical realm.

Hello, my name is silent rhino, it has more meaning than it sounds.  I have been attending counseling for the past two months and since I can finally attach a name to my ever present symptoms of depersonalization, self abuse and depression it has been helpful.  I have been diagnosed as an adult, however I had twelve years of constant emotional, physical and sexual abuse in my childhood.  Although I am thirty years past childhood the symptoms which started around age 24 have never left me.  During my abusive childhood, I was a survivor, now I struggle with suicidal ideation and have for many years.  I am looking for support, I am trying to save my own life to be honest as my struggles with suicidal thoughts are persistent though I have no plan.  I keep looking for a reason as to why I was victimized for so long, but have no logical answer.  Does anyone else look  for reasons that are impossible to realize and explain their long term childhood abuse.