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So, a sibling is getting married. I have a decent/good relationship with this sibling and don't want to be no contact with her.

However, everyone who I have issue with will be there. NM and her husband, who I am no contact with, LC dad and stepmom, and a sprinkling of " family is everything" aunts, and uncles who have treated me different since they caught wind. I am no contact with my mother, sort of held out hope for far too long something might change. Last thing that happened was my stepdad texted me that she is "granting me my wish and letting me go for good." so that says the narrative is still all twisted around and that there is no hope.

It's a small wedding in an intimate space. I want to support my sibling, but I don't know if I should just go and ignore everybody, or make a huge statement by not going. I know if I don't go it will be a huge deal to family who are there, and it will probably mean that I am now no contact with my entire family. it's just an example of how I'm the one who's ostracized for not taking abuse anymore.

I don't really want to miss her wedding, but it is very overwhelming and I'm kind of pissed that it's set up to where I have to choose. I also think it's sort of silly to be marrying someone she hasn't known that long. I've only met him three times and never met his large clan of young children. I feel like she doesn't really care how I feel about it which is normal but maybe we're not as close as I always thought we were.

The only diagnosis I have ever actually officially had was PTSD. I explained to that therapist about CPTSD and she said yes well this is the only thing like that we have here in the US. That is frustrating that this is a well-known problem and we are behind in acknowledging it here.

Anyway, the more I listen, or learn about all of these things, sometimes I hear the information, as maybe I have BPD or NPD, or both. What I previously thought was CPTSD. I a therapist who has a channel HEAL NPD, and he said CPTSD is in the borderline spectrum. So sometimes I hear I have CPTSD and other times it seems I may have borderline or NPD traits, that they are really the same thing.

The difference I feel is that I care how I treat people, I don't want to have these issues and try to figure them out and change them. Sometimes I feel myself doing things that I don't seem to be able to stop. I'm not verbally abusive, but, for instance, I may talk too much or reveal too much, and I'm worried I have annoyed people. And then when they don't call or reach out, I feel extreme shame about it. I had a good friend fall away and I know that it was because I was self focused in that I had a lot going on, was sick and over explaining , why I haven't been available to do the normal activities. I know we could probably talk and I do own my part but I also am overwhelmed by her impatience and lack of empathy with me. So I've just never reached out which I'm sure seems like I've ghosted her.

Anyway, it's just another source of shame to feel that I may be BPD, or NPD, as well as have CPTSD. I know it's all on a spectrum, but i've become more isolated and lonely, and all of this does not motivate me to form new relationships.

Ugh..so, my sibling is getting married. So you know NM, and flying monkeys will be there. It may even be AT her house! So, I already am feeling anxious and questioning if I will go. Which is sad.

The nephew has a thing. He is the singer at a thing his school is doing. So, they will all be there.

I feel like the only option is to move to the other side of the earth and lose my passport. I'm just really stressed. I keep wondering if I should write nm a letter but then what's the point.

This new year is weird. Usually I feel a sense of renewed energy, goals or inspiration. This year it's just another day, but I feel down on myself that it's been a long time now-almost a decade- since going NC and learning and trying to heal. I've felt a real setback and major depression lately, and a lot of shame about not moving forward or making things happen that I wanted to happen in my life.

One thing that keeps popping into my mind often, with visual, auditory and olfactory reminders is the PA aspect, and how I feel like these memories that were entertained so much with the EA and VA are the ingredient that makes it so confusing.

Maybe it is because my NM always claimed she never laid a hand on me, "only threatened." Or retold stories to new people implying she would have never treated her kids that way." Yet, I remember the enraged looks on her face as she was doing it, making me feel like she could have easily killed me, accidentally or on purpose. I remember the sadistic methods and unfair and extremely harsh "reasons" for doling out such abuse.

Her husband recently told me (in a Hoover) that "she is traumatized by how she raised me." What? I thought she "doesn't remember!" Now it's just more "poor her." Yet she has never issued a real apology, just vague gaslighting ones like "sorry if I did things I don't remember."

It's all so crazy, I logically know the deal, I understand the whole thing and why..it makes no sense to give it a morsel of energy. I just still have a lot of flashbacks or memories of it at many random things throughout my days. Just the sight of my cousins is a reminder, because a lot of amped up abuse happened when they were around, and many times it was me getting PA for what THEY in fact did.

I'm very confused and overwhelmed right now. I've been NC for a long time now, and have had some phases where I felt "healing" happening. Honestly it's felt very heavy most of the time. If I were to list what happened to me including all of the gaslighting, anyone would logically say of course get far away and never look back. I've tried to.

Then at other times I feel like I almost have an awakening where I "get it" and feel like I should reach out to my NM and radically accept her for who she is and have a "careful" type of relationship, practicing good boundaries.

I just feel so heavy and like I struggle to move forward or find creative flow states with this burden. Logically it is really HER burden, and it's not a guilty feeling, it's more of something hanging over my head that's unresolved. And I wanted the resolution to be something that it probably can't be, but maybe I can reframe and try something different?

I don't know..my life has always been all about my NM, I am seeing. Still. I just thought without her constant negativity and gaslighting I would be able to thrive and finally be myself and make something of myself. It's not that way at all. I may complete mess and still focused on my feelings about it, healing from it, and what to do moving forward. One day one of us won't be here and I don't want to question if I could have done something better.

I'm finding day to day worklife more and more difficult to sustain. And I've been looking for what other types of work I could do. I just want to struggle less and be less stressed out with work but I don't know if that goes hand-in-hand with making more money, which is needed. I'm not sure. I feel like I can do it anymore.

Any ideas or helpful paths you have found?

Lately, it seems I am very hyper aware or hyper vigilant or hyper sensitive to things people say. I don't want to say they are meaning to be aggressive, or slight's towards me. At least not on purpose necessarily.

For example, a casual conversation with a friend included a question "you do know that you're lucky to have family at the holidays, right? " we weren't talking about family specifically I did reveal that I don't have a relationship with my mother. Her parents have recently died in the last 2 to 3 years. I can see from her perspective why she would ask that, but to me, it feels like you should be grateful for your abusive family members. Family is family, etc..

Being approached by a peripheral acquaintance, and suckered into a pseudo-conversation, where I was berated for making a normal comment. Just caught me off guard, and it struck me at the time but I kind of froze and didn't realize how aggressive it was until they left, and it was all over. This from a person everyone views as a very nice person. There's no way you could say anything negative about this person without being viewed as the bad guy. So I just kept it to myself, of course. But it feels ick.

Then I respond to a coworker with some questions, and they copied me back, including the boss in the CC. There is nothing more of a pet peeve than that at work to me. It feels like they were threatened by my questions and wanted my boss to take over. My boss is a total N and I try to avoid them at all costs.

My landlord and so-called friend constantly is telling me ridiculous things that feel like they are trying to tell me what to do. Like texting me to turn my porch, light off or telling me a few twigs I talked to the side, are going to attract rats, when I am surrounded by reptiles and rat homes that he has created with his hoard.

I tried to be nice to a student and explained something, and they got extremely defensive, and acted like I was accusing them of some thing I wasn't. What the h? Sometimes I feel like I cannot go anywhere or do anything or speak without feeling attacked quite frankly. I try to constantly tell myself not to be so sensitive and they didn't mean it that way. But isn't that what I've always done?

I get very overwhelmed and depressed, and even SI sometimes, and all these things are things I can't really control, things coming out of other people that I should not take personally. It's just constant.

Hi Everyone!

I have been away for a while and wanted to say hello first before just popping back in. I've been on this journey a while, and I tend to amp up with anxiety at the holidays, although not nearly as much as in the beginning. I've been NC with NM for 8.5 years now, and vlc with EnN dad. Is that an acronym? Enabling Narcissistic dad? I also have N step mom. Take the labels off, it doesn't matter. They still are all outrageous in their abusive behaviors, accusations and toxicity.

It's no surprise I struggle with relationships sometimes and am fairly isolated. I even get kind of overwhelmed here sometimes which is why I have been in and out, although I feel like this is the only place full of people who understand.

I'm kind of all over the place lately..partly due to post Covid brain fog and fatigue, partly because of my dog not doing well and injuring myself, and partly because of estrangement issues...

However, something I really don't know how to handle at all is the recent distance of someone I consider a best friend. Someone I am used to spending a lot of time with(once a week or so)....I have gut feelings, but I also know sometimes these can be inaccurate due to cptsd and hypervigilance.

Ever since the holidays I have felt a gradual distancing coming from this friend. I realize right around the time I
M imagining, I quit drinking and have not had a drink since, as well as I caught Covid and have had long Covid symptoms that come and go, making it hard to make plans.

Then there have been a couple of times where I felt like our plans got canceled because she forgot, under the guise of a "misunderstanding."

And now, I have had difficulties with my dog and an injury. And I have felt like she wasn't supportive at all, and hasn't reached out since...so, all signs point to she is distancing herself, but I don't know IF that's true, or why that would be. But I imagine my cptsd is running a bit wild.

I just want to ask her. Or even just ask her if she wants to do something and see if she says yes or no. It's probably not as big of a deal as I feel but I feel very crushed, loss of appetite, and gets severe anxiety when I think about texting her. This is someone I text and see you weekly for the last 10 years. This is just nuts. what is going on here what should I do and how should I say it? I feel so dysregulated, and I've spent several days feeling this way and doing the exercises to calm it down and watching videos about this sort of thing to help. I probably should just reach out but I just don't know.

This is really hard to explain but I'm guessing its part of this whole scapegoat golden child dynamic in a way. My sister and I are close in the way that we talk every day. Although I did move away because I needed distance. This was a long time ago and I do attribute our somewhat successful relationship to having distance between us. She had had her first child and it was like I was expected to be the built-in babysitter with no boundaries. She was starting to raise her child with a very strict physically abusive fundamentalist Christian book she was reading. Thank goodness that changed but I could not say anything about it. Glad she listen to someone else and change that mindset. I was shocked though and I reacted by needing to move away as soon as possible I could not deal with that. I do love my sister and she has been good to me throughout life and been helpful and kind and thoughtful.

Now that life has taken a toll and we all struggle and have our quirks, I just noticed and feel in my nervous system all of the negativity. Almost every single thing I say is met with a counter active negative comment. What is that? A lot of it is to say like I don't know because I don't have kids. For example she will be going on and on about how she can't figure out how to be healthy. I am pretty healthy and she will ask what I do like what I eat how I exercise. I will explain something simple like when I make food I always make leftovers and make batches of things that can be used in different ways.  So basically cooking Whole Foods etc. She will then launch into a negative tone and say who has time for that I have kids to tend to etc. it's like this all day. Like I will be mixing up the dog food and she will say who has time for all that.

Like being a mom takes up all of her time, And I of course don't understand that because I don't have kids. but what I observe is that she spends a very large amount of time shopping. Shopping is sort of her coping mechanism and while she does not have money for rent, she is constantly buying things online and going shopping. But I dare not say anything about that. Even when she's going on and on about how she can't pay the bills almost implying she is asking me for help. Even though I don't make enough money to help. Her house is full of brand new clothes and products. And she constantly feels she needs new pieces of furniture and things like that.And a lot of her time is spent talking about all of these things that she bought and what it is for. Like long diatribes. And I'm thinking in my mind you could have made food and fed the dog better in the time it took to tell me that. Lol .

Anyway I know we're not perfect and I love my sister but the sort of dynamic is very exhausting to me I care about her and but I don't know what to say to all of that. If I say anything at all she completely snaps. So I wind up mostly just being quiet.In the end when I left she says you're probably glad to be leaving because we all are loud and Obnoxious and drive you crazy. She says this in front of the kids and that's not how I felt at all. But she is always just saying negative things like that in general. It's hard to explain but it just sort of irks me.

I found that the psychotherapist named Jay Reed has a great YouTube channel focused on the specifics and dynamics of the scapegoat. He helps clarify the dynamics and the solutions to each issue. It's really good if you're a scapegoat I recommend checking it out.

I'm starting this recovery journal now, because I feel like I've begun to round a corner with recovery and healing finally. Stuff comes up daily of course, but I'm starting to be able to see and more importantly feel it differently, which is a pleasant surprise!

Recently when I came back here, I was at a very low point. Just a very viscerally low point and overwhelmed. I think it was one of those moments that allowed for transformation but I almost didn't stick with it. I started watching lots of videos trying to figure it out. I think a shift happened when I happened upon some videos about near death experiences. More like people who died for a bit and came back. The take away was not oh wow you could die live life to the fullest. But it started giving me a different perspective on spirituality, dropping any sort of fear about death, as well as realizing my abusers souls' journey is in its own place like mine is, it's hard to explain but maybe I released the thought of what happened to me and why it happened, to thinking of it all more from an energetic standpoint and just how important it is for me as my own person to release that which brought me to such a dire point. If I'm going to be here I want to be at peace, be my true self....

I know I'm having anxiety as a CPTSD symptom. I've been breathing, telling myself I deserve my viewpoint and to take care of my animals, and do not need to fear the certain explosion to come from my LL.

Anyway, my landlord is a control freak and controls minutia in ineffective ways while basically letting his and my home fall apart and deteriorate. When I "remind "and he says remind me later. I say I am reminding you now because this is later! But nothing changes and I'm afraid he is deteriorating mentally as well. Now my pet is aging and really needs a more comfortable place. I've done some things to upgrade the area but that makes my landlord very unhappy because basically I did it without asking. But if I ask it won't get done or he will say no if experience has taught me anything. I'm expecting for him to explode and kick me out or just explode and huff and puff and be angry.

I know that I'm not wrong, but the anxiety is still really really affecting me not to mention the anxiety of my pet not being comfortable as he could be. The problem for me as I have a very affordable rate and a good spot overall and I really hate to have to up and leave during a busy work time. It's just hard all around. The best I can do is try to internally call myself no matter how he responds and try not to worry about it which for me is almost impossible.

My dad and I are not NC per se, but there is commonly months between communications, and he lives far away. There's been some weird stuff with Christmas I've recently written about, etc..I've felt ever since a couple of years ago after having a face to face conversation that therein ended his effort to have any sort of relationship whatsoever ever. I've been severely depressed off and on over this, feeling I am actually grieving his loss while he is still alive.

It is something that is often weighing heavy on me, between deep sadness and anger. He tends to reach out to my siblings with grandkids but not me, keeping with his treatment of me as a "thing" of sorts.

Now, out of the blue, I got a call. I panicked and did not pick up thinking I am not prepared to talk to him now, as I imagined it was about his recent boundary breaking request that I am not up for. He left a message as if nothing has ever been wrong and just seeing how I'm doing and what's up.  I know that doesn't sound strange but given the context it is very strange. I don't think he's ever called to see how I'm doing, so now I don't trust it at all. I haven't called back, and as much as I'm trying to ground myself and maintain internal boundaries, I feel like I'm having a heart attack -rapid heart rate, light headed..ugh. This call in this type of message is all I really ever wanted. Just a dad that wanted to know what I was up to, maybe who would listen and be supportive. But I've spent a lot of time for a couple of years now realizing that that is not the dad I have and I'm not going to get that. So this call is sort of confusing. May be a disguise for a different conversation or scenario.

If I'm being honest, I've never been able to make anything happen in my life. It's concerning when I hear this is a narcissistic trait, but I think it's also a C PTSD trait. Whether it's perfectionism, frozenness, Disassociation, depression, anxiety, a mixture of all of the above on a perpetual loop. The times I get excited or a fresh start or fewer and further between. I struggle to find what others who make things happen have that I don't have.

From a very early age the thing that I love is art. I got positive feedback at school and from people except for at home. Where I got to be rated and belittled and told to get my head out of my *ss If I think I'm going to be an artist. My College interview got sabotaged. Regardless I went to art school and crumbled. I couldn't do it. Still I struggled for years to even start to create after that. Even so I became an artist and had some success even becoming full-time for a little while. I went back to work and it dropped off again.

I've always had a house full of art supplies, a big easel with canvases all around me. Supplies from different mediums that I enjoy a big art desk, natural light and big lamps. A good space to create. Woken up many weekends with the intention of busting it out and getting into my art.

People talk about van Gogh, his mental illness and how it drove his creativity. How he committed S. But look at all the wonderful art he created. How depression and pain drives art sometimes. That has never happened for me. I feel completely frozen. The longer I go unable to express myself the less I can express myself. It makes perfect sense.

I had so much to Xpress early on so many creative ideas and things I wanted to do. But when the time came I froze. I know it's in my head and it's a matter of mindset now. I could change I could make it happen now. That's my intention but I'm finding it is very very difficult. I'm surrounded by artists and musicians in my life. People who, in the time I've been trying to start, Have been born and made successful creative careers for themselves.

I know it's wrong to compare cells to others, and we have to allow our journey to unfold and go through the process of learning and growing. I know it's not too late for me as I am still alive. I know all of these things on paper, but I feel I've been trapped in a body and in a mind in this life that can't get out.

 

Dad, I woke up yet again with my head swirling, thinking about writing, knowing your birthday is coming up. As usual I have been utterly confused, which I have come to realize is because of gaslighting. You told me in the summer I would be receiving an invite to your 80th birthday party and you expected me to be there. You gave me an ultimatum that I work things out with your wife or we probably wouldn't see you again. You said she was going to call me to talk. She's never called and I've never received an invitation. OK.

Aside from that, when we talked and I told you how I felt about everything, that was a long time coming. A lifetime coming. Silly me a thought that you would listen or understand if I just talk to you about it. You asked me to talk to you and I did. There's always so much stress around your relationship your wife and how she treats everyone to the point she has isolated you far away and none of us feel we have any choice but to stay away. Yet somehow it is our fault.

After sincerely talking to you which included telling you I really wish we could be closer, that you would call me more, that you would call me back when you said you would, he straight up didn't call me for a whole year until my birthday. I don't really care to get a call on my birthday when there's no relationship outside of that. I wanted a relationship which has never been and which doesn't seem to ever happen.

It hurts that you are an enabler. That you take on the abusive qualities of your partners and don't protect me or my sibling. It hurts that you have blamed us for the separation and have painted a picture to the family that you are all alone and no one cares. Every time you say you're going to call me or text me or send me a picture or anything and then don't, it just reinforces the pain.

Now out of the blue you want me to do something for you. A major task that you have no idea how I feel about. When I tell you you just gloss over it and pretend like I have no feelings of my own. You're really forcing me out and forcing me to stay away and disengage. You're not listening and you don't care to listen.

I don't know what to say about these books and messages you keep giving me. It's outrageous. It's not your place to tell me how to think and feel and believe. That was part of our conversation too. All of this was. You just completely did not hear me or see me and kept right on doing all of the painful things that you blame me for. It's also outrageous there really should be no question that I just need to stay away. Yet somehow there's nothing that hurts deeper.

The longer I am in isolation the more I really like it. Or the more comfortable I have become. I know there's a lot of thought out there that isolation is some thing that needs to be fought against. I can understand that because it does become a pattern, a lifestyle, and very comfortable.

In recent weeks I've decided to make an effort to put myself out there a little more. I allowed a close friend to somewhat set me up with someone she has known for many years and has always thought we would be a match. However he got married years ago had kids etc.. He's been divorced now for a little while so she has revisited this idea. Well we met, got along, went on a long seemingly successful coffee date. He said he wanted to see me again but then never called or got in touch. I felt like I sort of made the move to set up the coffee date so I felt like it was his turn.  A close friend said that setting too many rules on the situation and that I should reach out to him. I disagree.

Then there's another person who I really like and I'm attracted to and would love to get to know better. He actually did ask me to do something which would have been my perfect date actually, but it was the same day I had some other commitment. He said that's OK we can do it again soon and then he never has called or reached out or anything. Thinking back to what my friend said, I texted him just to touch base and be friendly. He did respond but it was kind of flat and no mention of getting together.

I tend to think that my vibe is what kills these situations. I could be totally wrong and I know that. But sinking back into my isolation and life of solitude feels oh so good after these things happen. I was used to have lots of friends I would constantly be trying to do stuff with. I realized a few years ago it was me making all the effort so I've backed off of all that. I have a couple of friends who are 50-50 with me or something like that. We mostly get together once a week or months or a few weeks. Other than that I am alone with my dog,  and I like it. I can't imagine there being someone here in my space all the time. 

Firstly I tell myself this is so silly. But nevertheless here we are. I went off Facebook a really long time ago. Since then I occasionally go back and look at it. First, I feel like since not participating, I have very few real life friends. It's like fb is where they put their thoughts. If you want to participate you can read them there. But trying to reach out and call and schedule a get together or some thing seems very difficult with many.

Then there are the gaslighting posts from family. My dad said he doesn't do Facebook but then come to find out he has been posting memes painting a picture that he is woe is me so lonely and his daughters don't reach out to him. Weird since we do and he doesn't return our calls and doesn't reach out to us.

Then there is the concept that when I do reach out say on Instagram which I'm more likely to look at than Facebook, people just ignore me. These are people who have shown that they only have time for social media. So I guess all this to say, when I reach out to people and they don't respond that triggers my anxiety, abandonment, etc. When I read all the "family is everything "gaslighting from family members who are estranged or otherwise dysfunctional. I know the answer is to go off all social media but going off of Facebook a long time ago just made me feel like I can't handle it so I don't do it. Kind of like isolating virtually. I don't know. How does anyone else feel on here about social media? Is this just not for us?

TW  emotional, physical, verbal abuse.


It's been almost 8 years of no contact, and with each step of healing, evolving, understanding deeper layers of the onion, I still feel unresolved. I know the experience and literature say not to send a letter, and that you will never ever take responsibility for your actions, words or tone, and that you will never change. That has been supported by all the attempts at contact you have made and what you said in them, by the actual last conversation we had, and especially by the narrative you have created and/or allowed to be assumed, making sure others believe falsehoods about me. Throwing me under the bus.

You have said a few times you don't see why we can't just talk. That you would like to sit down to a meal and talk about whatever is bothering me. Just this alone... why we can't talk? Because WE don't talk. I can't get a sentence out without being steamrolled over, and my impending thoughts never seen, but assumed.."conversations" are not conversations. Our last "conversation" was full of gaslighting, covert emotional abuse, targeting my wounds, minimizing, criticizing and flipping the script. If I had any thought or feeling at all you interrupted and raged.  In fact, there has never been a time where we could sit down and talk, as much as I would have liked a relationship with my mother. After a,, the invites and suggestions that you said no to all of those years, how you did not want a genuine relationship with me..why now that you have lost your illusion of control?

One of the many things you said was, "if you got molested that was your own fault." Then, within two weeks of saying that to me, you posted a tribute complete with picture to the very person that molested me. Still never asking me what happened and when. Never apologizing for not believing me when I was 10 and never questioning, but sticking with the firm narrative that you protected me after I told. To which I have said was not the case. When I asked why you were only concerned about your own feelings about my molestation, and not mine, you said "I only know how I feel. How would I know how you feel."

The thing is, and especially at certain holiday times, I feel compassion for you and believe that maybe I have come to a mental place of peace that I can accept how it is, and maybe we could have some sort of subdued interaction. There are certain things that I miss, that make me think of you and make me sad and wish things could be different. I know that this has been generational trauma. I just don't know why you didn't and don't seem to want to do better. You rage at the mere suggestion of thinking about something differently.

There are so many threads of life that are and we're affected by your abuse. Verbal, physical, and emotional. You said I need to stop holding grudges for you disciplining me when I was a kid and that you never laid a hand on me. I know you admitted to one time you slapped me in th face for giggling in the mall. But then you very mainly said "sorry things I don't remember. There are you happy now?" Then after that you said you apologized basically get over myself. And you repeated that sentiment in your texts and notes after I went no contact. I didn't even intend to go no contact I just said I needed some time to think in my mind that was going to be a couple of weeks but all of the things you ignored my request and said just solidified I could not answer after that.

It's not the past. it's the present. it's my whole life.  For example, you're perfectly fine with allowing your latest husband of the past 10 years and his entire family think there's something wrong with me, you have no idea why I am estranged, and have made them think that I am holding grudges from childhood and cannot forgive. This just shows that you don't see me, have not heard me, and see things that aren't there. It's funny sense from a very early age after you abuse me you would always be sure to say that I should be thankful I didn't have it as bad as you and I don't know how good I have it.  You brainwashed me to feel sorry for you when you abused me. And I did whether it was physical emotional or any of it. You ruled with an iron fist made me a frayed of you and feel sorry for you at the same time and pulled out all the stops to silence me, not allow me to have my own thoughts and feelings or even preferences  and shamed me and punished me if I even tried to. On top of that you gaslit me, acting like two other people you never would be the kind of person who did those things. You would say things in private and then something totally different with other people around. So they would be sure to know you would never do what you actually were doing in private. And they would never believe me if I told. You or in fact sadistic and cruel in your words and actions towards me. Did you feed me and provide a roof and clothing? Yes. But you passed down the generational trauma of emotional abuse and neglect. You may have forgotten what you did and said to me but you knew when you did and said it and you never one time my entire life apologized for one single thing. Even when I got punished for things you later learned I did not do, or berated me for things I did not do you never apologized. You still never have truly apologized for one single thing. Do you think by saying or writing the word sorry counts but none of them were genuine apologies they were manipulations . Always trying to get off the hook and find loopholes that's all.

This is really rambly and I'm sure I will write some more. Later. When I think of writing a letter I think of it as much more concise than this but these thoughts have been running through my mind and I'm just getting them down.

I decided to start a journal here. I keep a journal on paper based on the book the artists way, but as I write, I find myself veering off into these topics.  and then feel anxious my journals will be found one day, and oh the horror if anyone rad my thoughts about narcissistic abuse and my lengthy recovery from it all. I feel like society and family don't at all relate to seeing this for what it is, and the more I open up to anyone outside of people here, the "worse" I am seen.

Anyhoo, although I've spent the last 8 years sorting all of this out, and all of the ups and downs,  mostly focused on NM's abuse and effects- the way I handle life or lack thereof. It's taking me longer to realize the role my enabling father has played, and that he is actually ND as well. I really don't like labels, but clarifying this has helped me see his sneaky covert underlying narcissistic behaviors, not just nm and no-m's..

I keep thinking about writing a letter to nd, but then I get stuck and exhausted and give up on it. I can see my mind is confused and warped in the way of being gaslit, and I think that's what is going on. At this point I don't even want to write him a letter, but I haven't been able to let this go, and I don't want to be in long-term depression because of this like I was with my mom. I know what the deal is with these behaviors, it's just hard to think it's my dad doing them. I guess that takes me back to The feeling that my dad was the good guy, the nice parent, The fun one, The non-abusive one. I realize that was an allusion and I remember many times he betrayed me and abandon me in moments of abuse and in general. And I realize he has abandoned me in adulthood now.

What do I mean? Well, he has essentially become his wife. And his wife is highly narcissistic. She wanted to move far away fair enough her choice, but this has put a great deal of distance between my dad and his entire family. Then, it's a place where there is work for her career, but no work for his. So he quickly became financially dependent on her. She has driven it home that every move he makes better be some thing that could potentially make money, and a lot of it. This haughty attitude, tone and pressure comes out in my dads comments very often, daily, and is so stressful. I've talked to him about this many times, gently, and he keeps on.

I think one thing that makes me and others overlook my dad's problematic behaviors is that he is so charming sweet and creative. He is an exceptional artist and musician. He used to be so down to earth silly funny active and fun as a dad to a young child. I don't know where that dad went or if he was ever truly there, I think he is. But also there is a dad who is so very codependent that he is willing to allow his children to be abused, spoken down to, manipulated and controlled. He is willing to become a person who does those things to appease  his partner to keep the peace at the expense of his daughters, even as grown middle aged women.

Seeing me as a thing. This is really at the heart of what I'm struggling with right now. I can see that in the last few years he has abandoned me, our relationship, on another level than even before. I told him exactly how I felt about everything about three years ago when he visited here. On a sidenote he only got to visit because she paid his way and he had things he could sell here. When he didn't sell them he said he won't be able to come back here since it's not lucrative enough. Anyway, One of the things I told him is that it really hurts when I can hear her in the other room she is raging about things I was unaware of. For example apparently I was supposed to wake up super early to do something but I slept until 7:30 AM and that was too late for her. So she's in there yelling at my dad and then each conversation I hear from the other room I hear her say that I don't love him. I think overtime this has sunk in and he believes that. I told him that is not the case of course  that I do love him I want a relationship with him but I do not want to go up there and be treated badly. Rather than working on that and looking at themselves, they have both stuck with the program that I need to just forgive and forget nobody's perfect  and if I don't come up there on my holidays I don't love him or respect her. It is so crazy making. I thought by telling him he would see, but no.

More recently, I had Covid, the bad kind that lingers and hits hard. I still have symptoms actually but this started before the Christmas holidays. I missed Christmas entirely and was at home sick by myself. He knew but never called and checked up on me. Not even on Christmas day. This reminded me that he has never called or checked up on me in times of need. Heaven for bid he just knows since we're close and talk often. Oh no he never calls doesn't know what's going on in my life at all not a source of support or understanding whatsoever . But then will get mad if I don't tell him if I have a major illness or injury. He never called when I broke my arm except wants to get mad at me that I didn't tell him that I broke my arm. Let's just say for any illness or injury he did not support, ask or listen. It's like he can't handle it. And it's always been this way! I think this is one of the reasons that I've always felt shame if I'm sick and have to miss work or how I am a stealth independent don't need anyone. I do need help but I have a very very hard time asking for it and I'm just fine being alone otherwise.

Anyway back to being a thing. I think the combination between the above and the recent request. Out of the blue he contacted me for the first time in a year of his initiation and just assumed I was going to do him this big favor. This big task that I don't want to define because it's very specific. Anyway it is a major undertaking and it is for his project. He just assumed I would be happy to stop everything and do that. No intro, hi how are you doing, nothing. I said I don't know I will have to see and he just ran right over and acted like I was going to yes he would pay for it don't worry if it takes me a month and even told his brother I was going to do it he said something to me about it at Christmas. The Christmas my dad was not at that took place before I caught Covid. I actually think I caught it there.

In addition, since they don't come to Christmas because "nobody comes up to see them ", he sent me as a Christmas present a book with a very haughty tone and fundamentalist message. His card had the same tone. He said he hopes I will get involved in church and that he and his wife focus on God so Christmas is every day for them. And that there is only one way to heaven. This all said when we never have a conversation about beliefs or anything. We don't have a close enough relationship to even talk about it. I would be glad to talk about spirituality if I was treated with respect in a conversation but I'm not. He just tells me what to think and believe and then walks away. Like I'm a thing. He doesn't talk to me all year and then sends me a gift and card like this. Like I'm a thing. I'm a means for him to tell himself he is being a good dad by trying to keep me out of *. And by telling me how my mindset would be better a.k.a. more forgiving  if I did these things. Based on what the book is about and what previous books he has also sent are about.

I know this is way too long for anyone to give it their attention and I don't expect anyone to read it. I guess I'm sorting out my thoughts like we all are. Part of me is so mad at his choices, but most of me is just so deeply hurt that my father does not even see me as a human. I know this is his stuff, his programming and his shadows that he has not dealt with. But it still hurts and I'm still without a dad.