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Topics - Annarae12

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Sexual Abuse / *Trigger warning* How do I know?
« on: December 13, 2017, 07:34:51 AM »
Ive recently found one of the only photos of me from being a child. I am about 4 or 5 in the photo which is a huge age i dont remember. I dont remember most of my child hood but especially that time period. In the photo i have cuts and bruises on my neck and face. Something about that photo triggered me to be upset to the point where i can barely look at it. I have reason to believe something may have happened to me as a child and based off of the reasons i think this i believe it was some sort of sexual abuse but i cant remember. I have told my T all my reasons for believing so and she agrees it may be a sign that sexual abuse occured in my childhood.Does anyone else have this issue where they feel a deep gut feeling that something happened but have no proof really or memory? If so is there anything i can do to help me figure it out? I just have been obsessing about this and dont know what to do.

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I was wondering if anyone else experiences this too when they are in an EF or dissociating.

When i am in an EF i tend to lay in bed, curl up in a ball, twirl my hair with my finger and suck on a pacifier. I feel little and scared. The pacifier brings me comfort like it would when i was a kid. Im not sure if this is weird or if others have similar experiences with this.

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General Discussion / Emotional instability
« on: November 01, 2017, 05:39:27 PM »
I am very curious if anyone else has this problem. I have a huge problem with emotions, particularly love. When i love someone its a very unstable and inconsistant emotion. One day i will feel so in love with that person and then the next day i might not feel anything for that person almost numb to them and this goes back and forth randomly. Is this apart of cptsd? Im really struggling with this issue.

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General Discussion / Commitment issues
« on: October 30, 2017, 11:01:19 PM »
Does anybody have issues being commited to one person in a relationship? I am starting to realize I may have this issue and im not sure if its common with complex ptsd or not.

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Is it possible to be experiencing more than 1 EF at a time? I feel like I may be experiencing 3 or 4 EF all at once in the last week but im not sure if thats even possible. Can anyone else relate to this?

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General Discussion / I am struggling
« on: October 05, 2017, 01:13:14 AM »
I am struggling so badly right now. My depersonalization is out of control, I always feel detached especially mentally lately. I dont know who I am, my life feels so out of my control and power I feel like everything is moving so fast around me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I feel very alone and defeated at the moment. Not sure how to deal with it.

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Music / Song for victims of abuse.
« on: July 26, 2017, 08:12:15 AM »
Kesha recently released a new song called Praying. If you are unaware kesha was stuck in a contract with a man that sexually assaulted her for years and she finally got out of that situation and is able to make new music. This song is about overcoming abuse and finding strength within. I find it helps me with the abuse ive endured and has given me a new perspective on things. Thought id let people know in case it could be helpful to them. I will say it maybe possibly be a triggering song depending on where you are in recovery. Be safe loves ❤

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Sleep Issues / Sleep and Cptsd
« on: July 25, 2017, 04:53:58 AM »
Lately i havent been sleeping. Idk how to explain it but its almost like im too scared to sleep. I panic anytime its bed time lately and experience strong depersonalization and derealization during these episodes. Does this happen to anyone else? If so do you know why?

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This could possibly being triggering so please keep that in mind.

I was thinking recently about something I remember as a child (around 4 or 5 is my first memory of it) and it would always terrify me, im very curious to see if anyone has had similar experiences as a child. I remember sometimes (usually when laying in bed to go to sleep) I would have this overwhelming thought wondering if I was real and if I existed then the room would start to feel very big and dark and it would terrify me. I usually could snap out of in within a few minutes. My depersonalization/derealization is a lot different and worse now but as a child I never knew what it was. Its crazy to realize I have probably been experiencing depersonalization/derealization since I was a small child. If anyone can relate id love to know. Thanks.

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General Discussion / I barely remember my life
« on: June 01, 2017, 10:17:36 AM »
I recently have been trying to remember my childhood, im realizing my first real memory I have was around the age of 5 and thats still very foggy. My first memory that seems clear is probably around the age of 7. My parents didnt have any pictures of me as a baby or kid so i cant even look at pictures and try to remember. I dont feel like I ever existed back then. Im curious if anyone has similar feelings or experiences.

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Inner Child Work / What is the inner child?
« on: June 01, 2017, 10:06:29 AM »
I recently discovered I have cptsd and I don't know much about it. I am unsure of what the inner child is exactly i have read a few post but none of them really explain what it is. If someone could help me out that'd be great. Thanks.

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Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Relationship and cptsd
« on: May 13, 2017, 07:14:13 AM »
I have been with my gf for a little over a year now. Ive been really struggling with extreme depersonalization/derealization for a year now and recently realized i have cptsd. I am struggling with my relationship, i find that i am always someone that needs a relationship because i long to be loved and to feel real love. I am so confused on my feelings though, its so hard for me to connect with my gf or get close to her because 2 years ago or so i got my heart completely broken by a girl i loved/love so dearly. Everytime i attempt to get close to my current gf i dissoiate and have emotional flashbacks about my painful ex or past pain. I do love my gf but sometimes i am unsure i can heal or really find myself while being with her. I feel so stuck sometimes since i live with her and have no money or drivers license. I have no idea what to do everything just seems so confusing and hard.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Bad night :,(
« on: May 13, 2017, 06:59:42 AM »
Possible trigger warning? Unsure if there will be any but just be aware.

Tonight is so hard. I randomly started to dissociate and since then i have felt this unbearable sadness and agony. I feel like nobody in the world understands me. I feel so completely alone, i have a gf but sometimes i feel so distant from her that it feels like shes not here. I dont even have myself most of the time because i feel so completely disconnected from my own self. I just wish someone understood how scary and hard this is. The pain is overwhelming and it constantly feels like all the love in my life is abandoning me. I just need to feel whole but i dont know how.

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General Discussion / Complex ptsd and working
« on: May 09, 2017, 05:04:23 AM »
I have always had such a hard time working and never knew why. I dissociate the whole time and always feel so physically and mentally sick and exhausted after only a few hours. I get very anxious and it feels like a dream. Working causes me so much discomfort and i was curious if this happens for anyone else?

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Im new to this so im not sure where to start really. I recently discovered I am suffering from cptsd. I dont have many people in my life that understand or seem to care really. I feel extremely alone and im not sure how to live my life this way. I am constantly experiencing depersonalization/derealization and everyday is scary and hard. I just want someone to understand.

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