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When you wreak havoc in my life by getting angry, lashing out and getting drunk and disorderly, I know you are trying to get my (or maybe someone else's?) attention, but it is really messing things up. I get us out of one hole and you dig another one. I am not sure how we can keep doing this rebel rebel act. What can I do to make you feel better or safe? Please tell me. Is it just anger hiding your fear and pain? I wish I could help you. Living in a 48 year-old body/mind and then acting out like a 15 year-old angry brat going to ruin us. I feel at a loss of what to do make you feel better and stop sabotaging things. Please help me, help you. 

Hi folks,

This weekend was a disaster and it makes me wonder what self-destructive behaviours are linked to. Self-loathing? Familiar patterns? Flashbacks? Drinking is a dangerous game for me and I need to get out of the denial. NOW.

I got severely drunk on Friday night and created chaos at my apartment building. I got a warning from my landlord (absolutely deserved) and a police report for a disturbance. I've spent the last two days apologizing and feeling absolutely despicable about myself. I've decided to quit drinking for quite awhile since it seems to feed into my rebellious teenager antics (not attractive) and complete loss of self-control over my behaviours and actions. I feel sick to my stomach. Horrified at myself. Not sure how to get past these feelings today. Any thoughts or words of wisdom would be highly appreciated. It's like one step forward, two steps back. I don't understand this need to self destruct when things are going well. UGH. 

ETA: I just wanted to add that I see my binge drinking in a few ways. One is that it allows me to let go and dive into my feelings with fatal results. Two, I do believe it is rooted in my teenage years and has a self-harm (obliterate or drown myself) aspect to it. And three, it is one of the only ways I will let go so it is a bizarre counterpoint to my controlling and perfectionist tendencies.

I am trying to figure out how the heck to have a relationship with my niece (sister's daughter). She doesn't want me to talk about the negative stuff in my family but wants to have a relationship? Not sure how to do this. I love her and she is an innocent in all of this. Advice?

I'm having a very troubled week. Rejection is a tough one. I'm facing it a lot with my family lately since I am voicing my pain and anger about my mother's abuse.  I feel my throat closing up and my heart shutting down because people who I am supposed to love/be loved (family) refuse to listen to me or let me speak. It's painful to realize that people don't want to engage with you when you tell the truth about your own experience. I am feeling rejected AGAIN. It's really painful. I feel so ganged up on by my family. As though they are all talking behind closed doors about this troubled person (me) in their family. I keep talking about these darn Nancy Drew books on the forum that I bought for my IC to make her happy, but now I am wondering what the heck I bought them for? So I can escape? I hate feeling this messed up. I thought I was making progress, but now I am not sure. I think I am going backwards in time.

I posted this in my journal but thought about posting it here as well

Why is it when you want to move forward that the "crap hits the fan" so to speak in your family? Quite a few weeks ago before I realized I had CPTSD I reached out to several of my family members who I haven't talked to for at least 25 years. Mostly cousins. I wish I hadn't done it now because it triggered me big time.

On the other hand, I wouldn't be here now and I wouldn't have figured out the issue, so maybe it is a blessing. I am not sure right now. Silver linings?

What is so upsetting is that apparently my need to speak out about the abuse, the neglect of the family, etc. to my family has set off a crap storm of people calling my mom and "exposing" my rants about her. As a result, my mom was obsessively calling me all night (I didn't answer her calls) and then she left a horrible message. I mean, I felt like I had been ripped back into a time warp just listening to it. She is so selfish and mean even today. I am going to see my T tomorrow and I think I will give it to her to listen to. Is that a good idea? At the very least to find out if I am just crazy or if my mother really is emotionally abusive.

I just don't understand why my family wants to rat me out to her and re-victimize me. I am so confused. I feel like I am being victimized all over again at the age of 47!!! My mother is such a mean person. I just can't comprehend it. I really just can't understand why she is like this to me.

I'm sorry for the rant, but I can't believe this happening. I just want to crawl back in the hole I've been living in so I don't have to face this stuff. I feel I'm stuck between a rock and hard place. Wanting to recover and reclaim myself but then having to face this again.

Today I took a "personal day" from work due to exhaustion from EF issues yesterday and lack of sleep. Self-care is very difficult for me. I like that I was able to disclose to my work, but I'm feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety about it today. I tend to suck it up and I have previously had severe issues of workaholism, which led to burn-out and a firing.

It is likely connected to my inner critic, but there is also an element of vulnerability/fear involved there that I will I lose my job over this, will it be used against me, coworkers will feel less of me or think I am unstable, etc.. It is probably an irrational feeling (I am good at my job and exhibiting wellness, health and self-care are encouraged at work).

Any advice on how to nurture this anxiety or accept that I am dealing with CPTSD and may from time to time need a personal day?



Thanks.

I decided to start a journal today because the last few weeks have been rough and last night I couldn't get to sleep until 7:30 am this morning. Realizing I have CPTSD kind of feels like a punch to the gut. Knocks the wind out of me, you know? I've had a few hours now, thankfully, but I'm lucky that my workplace is flexible and allows for personal days. I've also been able to disclose what is happening with a supportive response.

This year has been a challenge all together because I managed to escape a very disastrous year prior where I had completely (or finally, maybe?) crashed and burned. It's hard to know if I should start my journal in real time or go back to the beginning. Due to some EFs and great advice here yesterday, I came face to face with my IC last night, and I've never seen such fear on a child's face. I can't get over the fear in her eyes. I want to say that although I did test 6/10 for Adverse Childhood Experiences, my past (parents anyway) do not include physical or sexual abuse that I can recall. But there was a lot of emotional neglect and abuse, alcoholic parents, attempted parental suicide, divorce and other subsequent traumas from about 9 through 18 (childhood to adolescence), and then others that followed over the course of my life, some of which were violent, shaming, tragic losses, etc.

I know I've detached from my IC because my survival mechanism was always to be tough and act tough. "Show no fear" as it were. But I'm exhausted, and although I think I'm tough, I know my EFs are a strong indicator that all that pain has been the real director of my life behind the scenes. If I don't start acknowledging that pain and allow my IC to feel safe and loved, then life is going to continue to be #@%#^&% up and difficult.

I will say, now that I've let the floodgates open, I'm shocked at the intensity of emotion that is being triggered by diving into the CPTSD material. But I'm hoping to take the sage advice of people I've engaged with here who have suggested to pace myself.  My operatus morandi typically is to be tough (suck it up) and then I simply disassociate (alcohol, compulsive activities, workaholism, escape, etc.). Your psyche can only take that for so belong before things erupt and usually destructively.

I've also made a commitment to myself today to integrate activities daily that can give me some relief, comfort and joy like yoga, eating well for my adult self and then doing a daily activity for my IC (this last one is an intuitive decision, but nurturing my IC seems like a good idea).

I'm going shopping for her tomorrow to buy things that will give her comfort or joy. These include crayons and colouring books, a stuffed animal (a lion or wolf perhaps), hot chocolate with marshmallows and Nancy Drew books (her favourite). Also, it's been quite a few years, but I'm going to start journaling here and in book form where I can paste pictures and other things. Almost like a CPTSD journal. I'll keep you posted on that one. I'm also an artist so doing something creative will be in line with how I process and make sense of the world.

Additionally, I used to write down and interpret my dreams so I may start doing that as well.

So, that's where I'm at today.

Hello everyone,

I'm wondering if others here have experienced increased EF triggers once they started delving into learning more about CPTSD? I have found in the last few weeks that I am getting triggered fairly frequently. But today, for example, has been especially so since I started reading Pete Walker's Complex PTSD. Even just reading the words "abandoned" is setting me off into memory land. I see my T for my first session of EMDR tomorrow, so I'm feeling safe more or less. But I'm also annoyed since it's 1:30 am and I'm still up, feeling anxious and not sure how to self-sooth so I can get some sleep for work tomorrow. I did have a bath earlier, ate a healthy meal and I'm now having a cup of herbal tea. I'm so used to shutting myself off from these old emotions /disassociating that the spontaneous nature of all these feelings/crying/memories is highly disconcerting. 

Just needed to say that out loud. Planning to finish my tea and climb back into bed. I sure wish I had a puppy to hug.

 

Hello everyone, I'm new to the site, but just wanted to say this thread is the sign of the beginning of a great journey. The experiences and information that people have posted here really resonates with me. I am very early in my discovery of CPTSD. Over all my years of searching for answers, seeking therapy, etc. this "disorder" is the only one that seems to fit and speak so clearly to me. I came to it by taking the ACE test and then followed the markers to CPTSD. I have recently begun EMDR sessions with a psychologist and I'm trying to soak up as much information in this area as I can to begin the healing process. I've just bought Peter Walker's book and others which include The Last Best Cure by Donna Jackson Nakawa and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

I never thought I had "flashbacks" until I read Peter's description of emotional flashbacks (I always thought that had to be visual). This explains so much about my seemingly "irrational" responses to certain moments or events. Additionally, the shared thoughts on "disassociation" are very useful as well. I "check out" a lot but I've always chalked it up to laziness and a lack of motivation. Thank you all for your insights.

I'm grateful to have found this forum and I look forward to learning from and sharing with you all.