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So I realized a couple weeks ago that it was not in fact all of the conflict in my family that took such a psychological toll on me (though God knows that did its fair share of damage), but rather the fact that both my parents and my younger sister used me as their "emotional dumpster" if you will, since I was very little. They used me to meet their needs, so much so that I always felt like more of a parent to all three of them than their child. My entire identity for 21 years has been caregiver, which is why I have severe intimacy issues today, nightmares, a boatload of pain and anger that I can't even direct at anyone because my family did not do it on purpose to hurt me. It's also why I only ever feel comfortable in my own skin when I'm taking care of people.

I've learned some healthy coping mechanisms but I need to rant a little because I had a very unexpected trigger yesterday. My best friend's 4 month old daughter had to be hospitalized malnutrition, and my heart just breaks for them. Which is obviously totally normal when you care about someone. But I also out of the blue started freaking out because out of stupid habit I felt like I had to do everything in my power to fix the situation but since I can't, I just feel completely helpless. I also freaked out because my friend is the only confidant or means of support that I have in this world and she will be out of commission for quite a while. So all these feelings of abandonment and guilt (why guilt?!) resurfaced all at once and I was right back to square one and nearly went back to some self destructive coping mechanisms. I know I'll let it go because none of my worries are grounded and my friend isn't leaving me forever and there's nothing I can do to heal her child, all I can do is be there to support her. But even that is so exhausting somehow because I'm so used to "support" meaning draining all of the life out of myself to help my parents or sister (especially my mom). I don't know how to help people without losing myself. Ugh and yesterday started out so good too.  Anywho rant over just wanted to get it out of my head.

Struggling so much right now. I know it's not good that I only come on here to rant when I'm really not okay. I have had some good days since the last time I posted a journal. I'm sorry I don't talk about the good stuff as much, it's just that when I have good days I don't want to be around anything that reminds me of my demons. I'm keeping a steady job that's going really well and I haven't missed paying any bills yet. Those were two basic things I used to worry about a lot - it's a great feeling to know I can take care of myself financially and be responsible. I'm even considering going back to school to pursue a better paying career in healthcare. 

However...

I've "relapsed" in a couple of areas pretty bad and I'm really scared that I'm going to make a stupid mistake one of these days. I don't remember how much we are allowed to share details on here so I'll try to be vague but I'm really struggling with extreme urges to self harm. I had issues with that in high school but I never allowed myself to do it to the point where I got addicted. Then it wasn't an issue for a couple years but now it's back stronger than ever and I don't know what triggered it. I feel like it's just because I am in so much pain and I feel like I deserve it. And it just keeps hitting me out of the blue, like today - I had a pretty good day and was in a good mood and then now all of a sudden I am in so much pain and I relapsed and I feel so weak. Like physically weak.

I also realized I've become a perfectionist, obsessing over every little mistake I make because I'm trying to make people love me to make up for the hole in my heart from my FOO. I know part of this is because the holidays were so exhausting, spending so much time with my family and all. But it's so stupid because I know that's not the way to get people to love me. And part of me knows I might never get that hole filled. UGhhhhhh.

I feel so alone. Not like I'm the only one with these issues - I know a lot of people going through similar issues but they are all people I would never want to be like - they are so angry and hateful and I don't want to be like that. I just hurt so much and I wonder if I'll ever heal  I'm lonely. I talk to my best friend a little bit about it sometimes but she just had her first baby and is exhausted most of the time so I've backed off and I'm trying not to rant my troubles on her very often. Not that talking really helps anyway.

Anyway. Does anyone have any good suggestions for something to do when you feel like self harming? I listen to music and work out but sometimes that's just not enough. Any other suggestions would be great too.

So I moved out of my toxic family in July. I still can't believe I did it. A year ago that scared me more than anything on this earth. But I guess pain and insanity eventually pushes a person to the point where they need to leave so their brain goes 3rd person just long enough so they can get out. But anywho... I did it and I'm so glad I did.

That being said I'm dealing with a ton of mental and emotional crap that I hoped would go away when I left. I think I can honestly say I have forgiven my family and am moving on. It's still tough when I see them once in awhile but when I'm not around them, or when they aren't constantly texting me, I can almost forget about them in a healthy way and live my own life. But my nightmares are ongoing. I've found some stuff that helps a little, if I stay up past midnight exhausting myself with Netflix bingeing and exercise, and get up before 8, I usually don't get into a sound enough sleep to have the worst kinds of dreams. But I guess that's not really healthy either. And the emotional pain... holy freaking * I do not understand what is wrong with me. I can be halfway fine at work and then when I'm home alone or driving alone or anywhere alone it hits me, sometimes suddenly and other times it creeps up on me as a dull ache of the chest, growing to an unbearable soul-wrenching agony. And I'm not a drama queen I promise. I can't figure out where it's coming from or what I'm doing wrong. I feel like it's out of my control completely which makes it so much worse. I don't want to go on meds or see a therapist really. Talking to a friend helps a lot but it is still an ongoing problem. I hope it passes with time.

I won't go into too much detail, but I think I might have an early stage of Meniere's Disease (a severe inner ear disease). I've had ear issues since I was little but they have been getting progressively worse over the last 2 years or so. I'm going to get checked out as soon as I can. But I'm curious - do any of you have chronic ear/inner ear issues? They say stress makes inner ear disorders worse, and lord knows I've had way too much stress since forever. I don't want to tell the audiologist or ENT about my abusive past or sleep issues but if it is impacting my ear health I feel like I maybe should. What are your experiences with this and do you have any advice for me?

I'm not sure which thread to post this in so I hope this is alright. I've always closed myself off to the idea of dating or getting married. Partly because as a child my dad was super over protective and always got really depressed and pouty when he talked about the possibility of his daughters getting married someday... so I felt like I would be a bad daughter if I hurt "daddy" by leaving him. I've only recently realized how screwed up that is. Part of the issue goes beyond my F though, I'm also terrified of being intimate (sexually, but also emotionally) with men. Like it scares the crap out of me. Not to be weird, but even though I have a pretty strong sex drive I don't think I could ever do it for real. Which is stupid because I'm 20 years old, but it's the truth. I've had 2 guys be interested in me over the last couple of months and I turned them both down. I just don't want to deal with the drama of a relationship and I'm sure no guy could really be caring or supportive enough to be worth pushing through my fears to give it a try. I'm wondering if that's normal for abuse victims? Or what your thoughts are on why it's such an issue for me? Sometimes I get really lonely and think it might be great to have a guy to love and care for me because no one ever has but then my subconscious is like, "nah, no guys like that exist and you're fine on your own anyways. It's not worth it, you'd regret it."

I'm done.

I don't feel like I have anything in me anymore... like the last 20 years have slowly sucked the life right out of me.

Don't get me wrong - I can still smile, and I can still enjoy certain things and be thankful for the blessings in my life. It's just that the pain has gotten so bad that it's there at the same time and makes it that much harder to smile when I really just wanna break down and cry.  Or worse yet are days like today when I'm totally numb to the point where I can barely get through work and even my driving is a lot worse. There were several times today that I should have gotten in an accident just because my stupid brain kept shutting down.

But anyways I guess I'm just done trying to be stronger than I am. I'm weak and shaky and tired... so tired. And I don't want to hide it anymore. I long for healthy, supportive relationships, but it's not like there are very many people I can open up to. Most of the people in my life are so close to my parents and hold them in such high regard that I feel like a traitor if I admit how bad things are in my family. I look forward to making new friends and relationships after I move out, but then I don't want to be a needy friend either.

And I don't know if this is normal or not, but as much as I desperately need to leave home, part of me is terrified of the idea. Not because being on my own scares me (I know it won't be easy but I'll be okay, and in a lot of ways I feel like I'm already on my own). It's more the actual act of walking out the door that freaks me out. My family is really hesitant about me leaving and I'm going to feel so guilty for leaving my mom to be abused by my dad and my siblings, and I feel horrible for wanting to create a better life for myself when my mom is still stuck in it. I guess that's my version of survivor's guilt in a way.

And that's another thing - I haven't officially been diagnosed with PTSD but I feel guilty for having any of the symptoms at all because it's not like I've been through war or anything. I mean yeah my family feels like a war zone and has been that way forever but it's not like physical abuse or combat.

I feel like I should be fine, but I'm not. I'm not suicidal but I'm definitely not okay.
And then at the same time I feel like I shouldn't be fine because how selfish is it to get myself to safety and leave my mom behind. 

So yeah. I'm exhausted and done pretending I'm stronger than I am.

I've been having awful nightmares almost every night for over a year and a half. Sometimes I wake up shaky and drenched in sweat, and it takes a couple of hours of calming music before I can fall back asleep (or I just get up). Other times they are more dark and horribly sad than frightening. Those last longer and leave me with a lingering sense of darkness and dread throughout the day. And then there is those weird nights that are hard to explain, where I wake up suddenly and am absolutely terrified, but I don't remember having a nightmare. The other night it actually happened as I was falling asleep, it was like my anxiety dialed 0-100 in 10 seconds flat and really freaked me out, but I didn't remember having a bad dream 

So I have a couple of questions about nightmares/bad dreams/night terrors that some of you might be able to help me with:

* Are nightmares considered flashbacks if they don't replay the traumatic event exactly?
* What is the difference between night terrors and nightmares?
* Do the nightmares go away once you leave the toxic home environment?
* Have any of you found anything that helps? Music and stretching does for me sometimes, but not consistently.
* Is it unusual that my bad dreams affect me during the day so much? They are really hard to shake off and I wake up really tired.

Moderators, if any of this is too graphic or inappropriate for readers please feel free to delete it immediately. I don't want to cause any trouble but I don't know where else to talk about this.

I come from a very emotionally/mentally abusive family, but I've also wondered if I was possibly sexually abused as a child. Since I don't have any clear memories of it, and since "false memories" are something I don't want to mess with, I know I can't be sure. But there are a few troubling symptoms I struggle with that seem more like what a sexual abuse victim experiences, not an emotional abuse victim. So I'm wondering if any of you have experience with this and/or if you think emotional abuse could cause it or if it sounds more like past sexual abuse might be something to look into. I'm very embarrassed to talk about any of these symptoms because I'm very ashamed of them and I don't want you all to think I'm a nut or pedophile or something. I just need to talk about it and find answers if I can. I hope I'm not alone.

There are 3 symptoms in particular that I'm wondering about:

* I began masturbating before I knew what sex was, and obsessed over drawing sexually explicit pictures/reading whatever sexual material I could find, again before I was told about sex (not sure exactly what age)

* My fantasies are all extremely violent, inappropriate, and abusive, and much to my extreme shame child sexual abuse stories turn me on

* I relate to stories of children who were molested. It feels like it's me they are talking about, or like I've experienced what they are describing. Rape and sexual abuse scenes are also extremely uncomfortable for me to watch in movies, but other types of violence are not anywhere near as disturbing.

Does anyone else here experience any of those symptoms? If so, is it because you were sexually abused or do you think emotional abuse could cause it or have I just gone off the deep end?

I promise I'm normally a very goody-two-shoes type person, which is why I hate myself so much for those symptoms. I feel so dirty and awful because those aren't my natural self, if that makes any sense at all.

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right place to introduce myself.

For starters, I'm 20 years old. I haven't been officially diagnosed with PTSD or C-PTSD but at the very least I know I have a lot of the symptoms. I'm not sure if I'll go get diagnosed or tested someday, I know you all will say I should but to be honest I really don't want to go on medications or be stuck in therapy forever.

I don't have the stereotypical PTSD story of a single, traumatic event in my life that forever changed me. My "trauma," if it can even be considered that, has been ongoing abuse (although never physical) in my family for as long as I can remember. I don't really have the mental energy to go into all the details right now, but basically I'm pretty sure my F and siblings are sociopaths and/or narcissists, and have systematically abused and manipulated my mom for what seems like forever. My siblings are more aggressive and verbally abusive, where my F is extremely passive aggressive (just as a small example - when he's mad he gets extremely sullen, sleeps on the couch, and basically gives my mom the silent treatment for weeks at a time). There is no reasoning with them or challenging them on anything unless you do it very, very carefully and without touching their ego.

To put it more simply, there has just been so much mental manipulation and verbal and emotional abuse in what should be my safest relationships that I'm utterly exhausted and in a lot of pain  It kills me to watch them tear apart my mom and not be able to stop it. They do the same to me but I've more or less figured out what to do/not to do to avoid triggering an attack from them. I think my situation is also worse because this isn't something just happening now - it's been going on my whole life, so I've never felt safe or at home with them. A part of me still feels like a very lonely little girl, as immature as that sounds. I didn't realize how messed up my family is until a friend reached out to me and I opened up to her, and realized my family isn't normal or healthy, and some families really do love each other in healthy ways, at least some of the time.

Which brings me to where I'm at now. I dealt with some bitterness towards them for awhile, but now I just hurt, a lot. I still love and care about them (yeah I know that's backwards because they are such jerks), but I'm done dealing with their crap. I literally cannot handle it anymore. I feel like about a year or so ago something in my brain just snapped. I started having nightmares almost every night (I still do), my hands shake and tremble a lot, I see double when I'm stressed, to name a few. When even the slightest conflict starts at home my whole body goes cold, I shake, and completely shut down. I've dealt with a lot of depersonalization issues since I was a child as well. I was suicidal for awhile but then I realized that wouldn't really solve anything. It would just pass my pain to other people, so I've succeeded in putting that idea out of my mind, at least for the time being. But honestly the pain is enough that death sounds very inviting sometimes (not to be morbid).

But anyways, that's the short story of me and where I'm at. I've also wondered for a few years now if I was sexually abused as a child because of some other weird symptoms I have (I'll probably discuss those later in a different thread), but I'm not sure so that's an entirely different issue. I'm looking forward to (hopefully) getting some support from you guys who understand, and giving the same in return.

[Also as a note because I'm sure some of you will ask - I'm planning on moving out of my parent's house asap. I just got a steady job finally, and I'm in the process of apartment hunting.]

Much love,
Elizabeth Genevieve